Zero in conduct

By Pier-Giorgio Tomatis

The book collects the best report cards of Marco Edoardo Sanfelici. The judgments which, after every Juventus match, photograph the performance of the Bianconeri eleven are sentences without appeal. From the brilliant and passionate mind of a fan commentator, here are the hilarious evaluations that testify better than any VAR image the behavior on the field of your greatest idols.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BadPress
• Release date: Dec 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9781667420301

Book preview

Zero in conduct

Marco Edoardo SANFELICI

To Mama Ariella

and Father Gianni

PREFACE

by Mario Bruno

The theme is: but what kind of book is this where the subject of contention is sic et simpliciter judgments, adjectives and numbers? Where one struggles to identify a meaningful thought? The so-called story that sails safely and will soon arrive in a precise port, docking coherently?

Said so and set so... the introductory judgment of this nice product could consequently appear blatantly critical. Be patient, however, the question is deliberately brazen because it helps to understand the different and brave idea with which the Writer has positioned himself in front of the keyboard.

This full-bodied collection of judgements, adjectives and numbers is in fact a daring meditation proudly immersed in passion, of a passionate Juventus fan who for years has lived, rejoiced and suffered recording facts and thoughts, whispers and cries, in short joys and sorrows, that is the global world of Juventus. Marco Sanfelici, the Author, is a particular character, legitimate to write, unique.

He has lived the stadium in every seat for more than forty years. He is overwhelmed by the Juventus faith exclusively and has turned his existence into a sort of encyclopaedic dogma. He has a solid job, professionally very appreciated, but we don't talk about work, we underline instead that he has founded in the time his own kingdom of Juventus love becoming an encyclopedic Cultore. So, little by little, proudly telling the tales of the Madama of Italian football, he has made his way acquiring audience and gaining more and more credibility becoming a man who knows and has full right to say. This is why this gentleman who has reinvented himself as a communicator-journalist is now an aggressive name on all social networks, a real oil slick, a hungry hound of commentary and news.

Radio and television, Facebook and Instagram, are his tasty daily bread. In short, add up these microworlds and draw the line: you are looking at a modern self-made man.

That's why this editorial product will surely be successful. You have already read and discussed the ratings, adjectives and numbers of the last three championships of all Juve players. All that's left is to brush up on the lessons....

HOW I BECAME A JUVENTUS FAN

Can I have a bowl?. If you shout viva la Juve... Viva la Juvee! If you shout it louder, I'll give you two ! ». Long live Juve !" What may seem like a seemingly surreal dialogue, is instead one of the experiences I store in a secret corner of my heart and cherish with poignant affection.

I'll go in order, though. I spend my early childhood playing in a concrete courtyard, surrounded by the building in which my family lives. Three staircases, eight floors of balconies, with the first ones on the ground floor resting on the floor of that courtyard, drawing below them a small ravine for our hide-and-seeks and advancing the space for the iron door of the garbage collection compartment.

On the opposite side, four box-cars and a wall, which seems insurmountable, divide us children from the rest of the world. The day my father takes me to the other side of the wall, I make the acquaintance of a blacksmith; yes, it may seem strange, but I am still lucky enough to see the bellows blowing on the fire, to hear the rhythmic tinkling of the hammer on the incandescent iron and then, what a thrill, to finally shoe the horse, destined to pull an old cart, full of rubble. My house is on the ground floor, without a balcony, and this annoys me not a little, so much so that I get into the habit of climbing up onto the free balconies, putting one foot on the handle that keeps the door of the low, cramped waste room closed. In one of the ground apartments lives a family from Turin, for who knows how many generations, father, mother, grandfather and son. Running into native Turinese is still not a dying rarity.

The scion is five or six years older than me and he never comes down to the yard with the rest of us; he spends all afternoon playing on his balcony, one meter above the level of the yard. On the other hand, he can afford it: he has a balcony! His name is Silvano, how could I forget? On the second floor of the staircase opposite the one where Silvano lives, lives another family, whose son is a big Toro fan. Silvano's grandfather is also a Toro fan and I'm talking about a time when the Superga disaster is still very much alive in the city's memory. In the midst of these crossroads of sporting rivalries, grandparents against grandchildren, peers against peers, I am innocently used, as the saying goes, as an ambassador who bears no pain.

Ah, childish wickedness, an instinct that Mother Nature passes on from century to century!

Silvano enjoys drawing a car track on the painted concrete floor of the balcony of his house with chalk. The track looks a bit like those drawn on the sand on some summer beach, to play marbles that contain the figurines of cyclists. And it's cyclists on Silvano's balcony too. He buys the bakelite marbles, transparent, with the figures of the runners, breaks them, removes the cards and sticks them well in the tin caps of mineral water bottles, delivered to your home, returnable vacuum. Bottled mineral water is gaining ground, but it is still a rarity, perhaps even a luxury, in a social reality that does not know at all the supermarkets and large retailers. It is not for nothing that in my house, as in the vast majority of homes, tap water is carbonated with Hydrolysine!

It's easy to imagine that, for a curious child, very curious like me, a track drawn in that way, mysterious caps with figures of cyclists, Silvano who plays the Tour of Italy with them, making them move with those classic pinches that are given to the pins on the sand tracks, represent an attraction too intriguing to resist. I don't climb anymore on the empty balconies, without distinction, now the enterprise is reserved to only one of them, always that one, to enjoy in first row the bicycle races in bottle caps. It's thanks to Silvano that I learn to recognize riders like Anquetil, Defilippis, Nencini, Van Loy, Kobler, van Stembergen and so on. In a short time, however, I pass from looking to wanting to have, in a process worthy of learned dissertations by famous psychologists, but completely natural for me, at that juncture, completely uneducated. In the meantime, not knowing what to call the tin caps, I think I'll call them bowls, with a clear association of ideas, at least for my use and consumption.

From that moment on, I began to ask: Silvano, can I have a bowl?. At that point, with sweet perfidy, he must have certainly thought: if you want a cap, you have to deserve it! One day, one of the many, my grandfather comes to sit on the chair he keeps available on the balcony, partly to get some fresh air and partly to see what his grandson is up to. Silvano then shows me a cap and If you shout viva la Juve, this is yours. Immediately I perform in a Viva la Juveee!, as loud as possible, arousing the reprimands of the grandfather, who wielding the stick good-naturedly towards me, starts in the recitation of Bacigalupo, Ballarin, Maroso....

I don't understand what she's saying but she's certainly in awe of me. Just at that moment, the Toro boy on the other staircase looks out, attracted by my full-throated shout, trying not to be seen, but immediately caught by the alert eye of Silvano who, catching a second cap, urges me: If you shout it even louder, I'll give you two. And I, surprised by that unhoped-for boon: Long live Juve! Incredible as it may seem, I'm describing my first steps as a Juventus fan. This great passion that accompanies the progress of my life began in this way, almost for fun and with a good dose of childish recklessness, in a period in which the tragedy of Superga is still alive in the people of the city; when many tell you that being a Juventus fan is a bit snob, or just a fashion, since Juventus wins only because Agnelli can afford Sivori, Charles and Boniperti, ...but then, you'll see" and then, you want to put it, Torino is the real team of Torino, not that one there with stripes and a zebra for symbol! Sixty years have gone by, and yet the arguments haven't changed much, but what hasn't changed at all is my proud, stubborn and visceral Juventinity. I remember that my Juventus spirit was immediately put to the test, because with Boniperti's retirement and Charles leaving, the team placed twelfth in a championship of real suffering.

I let you imagine what amount of mockery I have to suffer from those older than me, all older than me, I am a child with no possibility of defense. The case serves, however, since while my peers are attracted by the deeds of Rivera and Mazzola, I do not move an inch, as a good Bogia nèn. Silvano and his family moved a short time later, going to live not too far from the barrier, in a more comfortable house, closer to the factory where his father works. We still meet a few times. Then, with the passing of time, we lost sight of each other. Yet his figure is present in my mind, as only that of one of your closest ones can be.

It can only be so, when I think of what it continues to represent in my life. Back in time, in a suburb, still made up of fields and vegetable gardens, on whose streets it is not difficult to meet that scruffy woman dragging a poor cart, shouting strassé, Silvano unconsciously moulds one of my characteristic signs. Among noisy workshops and sooty courtyards where, every now and then, a curious little man, with a strange contraption, shouts mulitta, mulitta, mulittaaaa and turns a wheel called cote, with which to grind scissors and knives that the housewives entrust to him, it is in that environment that I print on me an indelible mark: because the support for a team is like the mother, is one and no longer changed! I find myself looking back more and more often, a sign that the years are passing for me too. And yet I am fortunately aware that I am still in the phase where memories leave behind a trail of sweet nostalgia and a smug smile.

It is in this atmosphere, with a vaguely old-fashioned taste, that I want to pay homage to a little boy named Silvano, who I imagine coming out of an old photo, while he shows me a cork in the palm of his hand. By the way, the photograph, although taken sixty years ago, is still very contrasting: far from appearing faded and in the grip of the sepia effect, it appears, like the colours of a lifetime, in perfect, vivid and complete black and white!

INTRODUCTION

AND EXPLANATORY NOTE BY THE AUTHOR

When during the collection of the report card material the mountain of judgments, adjectives, and numbers (to borrow Mario Bruno's motto in his incisive preface) grew out of all proportion, almost as if it were an enormous ziggurat of Babylonian memory, it immediately appeared that some kind of sorting was needed, over and above the initial selection.

As some singer with ultra-soft movements would not hesitate to say: Three years are a long time and [the report cards] have come a long way. To such an extent that from day to day, from match to match, without having the pretension of the precision of a Swiss watch, we are very close to five thousand single report cards. Five thousand votes, as many judgements and adjectives in free multiplication.

In order that this collection of three years of adventures in a Juventus key does not turn into the second edition of the Book of numbers a few millennia after the first, it was decided in agreement with the publisher to start from the moments when the parable of Massimiliano ALLEGRI is coming to an end, after years of triumphs and bitter disappointments. Juventus are safe from late comebacks and already have the title in the bag in April 2019, the first time ever. The eighth consecutive one.

Yet the fans are restless. Too much is the disappointment of the elimination in the Champions League in a quarter-final abundantly within reach, by a bunch of Dutch lancers as young as inexperienced, but that monetize some game situations in their favour. The signing of CRISTIANO RONALDO in the previous summer is seen by most Juventus fans as a harbinger of great achievements and the comparison between dreams and harsh reality leaves an intensely bitter taste in the mouth.

It is urgent to find a guilty person and in similar cases the history testifies that to pay is always the lonely man of the moment. It is therefore up to the Livorno's trainer to succumb under layers of contumely, improper words and manifestations of evident unrecognizance with respect to what he did before. It is then irreverent the comparison between the unspectacular but profitable game of the team compared to the frothy ball on the Posillipo shore, of a blue and shining Napoli (to paraphrase Lucio Battisti) and led by a leader without fear and without polite manners who makes his players the proudest antagonists of Madama.

The rest is common knowledge. So well known that you can glimpse it in the folds of the report cards that are now going to start.

P.S. The criterion of the selection is based on the extrapolation of the most irreverent, joking, brilliant and whimsical report cards, perhaps to the detriment of those more strictly technical and purely football-related. This book is far from wanting to represent a scholastic reference (in the Coverciano way) or, God forbid, worse still, wanting to teach a sort of football gospel. Every day a handful of journalists and columnists, or supposedly so, fight for a place in the sun and emerge to attract attention. Too exhausting for the author to compete with the category. The only spring remains the search for a smile to defuse (but not too much). Because even these, a laugh will bury.

2018/2019 REPORT CARDS

RETURN LEG AND CUPS

JUVENTUS - FIORENTINA 2 - 1, 20/04/2019

APPOINTMENTS... FOR THOSE WHO CELEBRATE THE SCUD8!

ALEX SANDRO 6.5 Oh yes, since SPINAZZOLA appeals more to the eyes and imagination of the fans, then A. Sandro has to stay below the sufficiency. No way, the Brazilian's game is more than good, he pushes and crosses with continuity and then, since he can't get a spider out of a hole when he's running, he decides to divert a header towards the Viola goal from a corner served by PJANIC. And it's immediately evening (quoting Quasimodo) for Lafont. Deep... Lafont... big hit. 1-1 and the ball in the middle. What strikes me is the non-exultation of the no. 12. Habit? Little importance of the game? Does he already know where he will play next year? Soothsayers and charlatans have their answer.

BERNARDESCHI 5.5 Comes in and out of the match as if he were the revolving door to the Grand Hotel. Why does he always have to miss a game time when he's blocking with his left? Perhaps it would have been better to see him take over from KEAN and not vice versa. But I'm not on the Juve bench and there must be a reason.

CRISTIAN RONALDO 7.5 Often isolated in the middle of 5 purple players who watch him on sight, worse than Provenzano under house arrest. The CR7 I like is the one who attacks space, who jumps over opponents like skittles, like the action that led to Juventus' lead. Altafini would say: Amìsci, how to leave the defender under pressure in place along the back line, consult page 142 of the football manual, paragraph b, amìsci. We owe an answer to the question taken from QUARK: can a man laden with glory present himself at the umpteenth appointment with the enthusiasm and desire of a young boy at his first experience? The answer is yes. Provided it's CR7 in the flesh, for the others there is no guarantee.

ALLEGRI 6.5 The Scud8 is a reality, the declaration of wanting to stay as well, combined with a mil per sento from CR7. The society has expressed itself. It's understandable that the toto coach is fun, but the club has clear ideas. The match against the Viola was full of pitfalls, but the team responded by coming back from the disadvantage. I'd have preferred KEAN in place of BERNARDESCHI straight away, but that's a minor point. For the umpteenth time he hoards the full post by acting on the tactical balance in full control. Impressive the shrill and sharp screams in the last minutes. And then the word on the street is that he's a cold. For the anti-Allegrians: the acting coach has been so good at working that, in the meantime that the working coach has come back, he has won 5 consecutive championships (...not even Carcano...), 4 Italian Cups, 2 Italian Super Cups and two unfortunate finals that don't add up to a resume. We'll see how much the working will also work. Happy 37th and Happy Easter.

INTER - JUVENTUS 1 to 1, 27 April 2019

REPORT CARDS... FOR THE BIG MATCH AT THE END OF THE SEASON.

BONUCCI 6.5 .....................................................................................

CHIELLINI 6.5 The Bonny-Chiello pairing certainly has the consistency of a diamond in the rough. They've got personality to spare (question: how can RUGANI not get anything from the captain?), the right fluidity and precise openings. The only pity is that CHIELLINI is already an old man, because it almost seems like he only started his career yesterday. How will we manage without him?

MATHEUS PEREIRA 6 At moments he becomes the wild card that ALLEGRI draws from the deck. Nice little pepper, this Pereira back-up. A backheel for SPINAZZOLA, an unlucky chest pass on the rebound that could turn into the golazo of the evening. To be reviewed carefully, but congratulations.

CRISTIANO RONALDO 7 he always scores there. First he takes aim, shooting a shot which is deflected with his ankle and... by De Vrij; then he scores a very difficult goal with the simplicity of genius, served by the heel of PJANIC. He fumbles one more time to get on the end, ignoring SPINAZZOLA's best position, but we know that great scorers are a bit selfish, so all is forgiven. Tonight's was yet another match that Juve would have lost without CR7. And then they say that the Scudetto would have been won even without CRISTIANO RONALDO, I have my doubts...

JUVENTUS - TORINO 1 to 1, 03 May 2019

REPORT CARDS... AT ONE POINT I FEARED THE WORST.

BONUCCI 6 Regge...............................................................................

CUADRADO 4.5 For the series, when it's not evening. Appears inadequate in front of the solidly dressed Marcantoni; bounces to the ground a number of times to shout: Enough, lèvalo. That said, those who boo him when he comes out have some serious neurological issues. It's enough not to clap or do it in estimation. That's it, because beyond the bad night, Juan CUADRADO is one of ours and after a season that has suffered him so much and past years of great depth, the Colombian deserves much more from the friendly fans. But how many know what they are talking about?

BERNARDESCHI 5 It's clear he hasn't yet understood what derby means in Turin. It would be good if someone (Chiello, for example) could teach him a lesson. Our Federico has an idea of the competition as a tournament between knights please it's your turn, no after you, no please after you.... He plays 85 minutes due to lack of changes, otherwise he wouldn't make it to the 60th. Tactically embarrassing.

CRISTIANO RONALDO 7.5 So: CR7 is not a certainty to win the Champions League, but the question arises: without him, would Juventus have won at least the Scudetto? To posterity the arduous judgment. The fact remains that, as in the days of Meazza, el segna semper lù. How he is able to defy the laws of gravity is a question for Newton, not BREMER.

P.S. While the granata section was sending Juve and the Juventini to practice sodomy exercises, a banner of great sportsmanship appeared in the curva sud. HONOR TO THE FALLEN OF SUPERGA, to which I associate myself and share the content. I would have liked that, to the applause of the whole stadium of HCL faith, the inhabitants of the aforementioned section would have joined in. But they preferred to reiterate the invitation to try Ser Brunetto Latini's vice. I'm sure that this will continue for the Superga ramp and another occasion will be thrown away. To change the minds of men takes centuries, too few 70 years.

ROMA - JUVENTUS 2-0, 12 May 2019

REPORT CARDS FROM... ROMA CAPOCCIA .

BENTANCUR 5 The cause of a slight stomach ulcer for ALLEGRI. Slight only because the match has almost zero value for Juventus. For the series: whoever brings up the story of making young people play, I reserve him the end of the Martyrs of Martinetto.

DYBALA 6 So as not to argue with so many Dybalian Juventinians. A bit like I'm forced to do lately for those who have a soft spot for RUGANI while waiting for Godot. The Joya has the opportunity to redeem himself on a ball served to him by CR7 but he, like CUADRADO, exalts Mirante's evening. Because if Paulino doesn't score, he's not happy. He has to caress the ball and aim for the long post. Otherwise what's the point? Mirante thanked him and so did Ranieri. Then we see him again when he serves a deep ball to Ronaldo with an infinitesimal delay, just to catch Cristiano offside by a... gust of wind. Goal disallowed and goodnight players. As for the rest, hic sunt leones.

P.S. Starting tonight, the series of mental efforts to match Juventus to an obscure jersey that will make Americans happy (even those from Wyoming, Nebraska and Idaho? Boh!), but that interrupts the history of our team's symbol. And all this, as the recently deceased Leone would have said, For a few more dollars. Meanwhile, in Siena, they're preparing a special edition of the 2019 Palio, in anticipation that in 2020 the jersey will be polka dots with an archery-style target in the middle. Assuming we're still called JUVENTUS, you never know in the meantime....

JUVENTUS - ATALANTA 1 to 1, 19 May 2019

ANSWERS... WET (DROPS OR TEARS, WHO WILL LIVE, WILL SEE).

BARZAGLI 6 as far as the game itself is concerned. There were a few untimely closures in the early stages, a clear sign that time is passing and that at 38 years of age it's hard to keep up with opponents 15 years younger. But his statuesque presence on the pitch is always a sight to behold, as if the third bronze from Riace were wearing Bianconeri colours. BARZAGLI AT THE LAST 9 Maybe 10. 9, like the years that have passed since that 2011 of palta, with the second consecutive 7th place, with an uncertain and nebulous future. 10, like only legends are entitled to receive as a thank you for all the good and unforgettable things they leave in the hearts of fans, the real ones, the ones who know how to go beyond stale, acidic criticism for its own sake. Thank you, Andrea, for everything. Always in my heart, always in everyone's heart.

MANDZUKIC 7.5 Marione, Marione, Marione! What a great luck Ten Hag had not to meet you, otherwise he was out in the quarters, not us. Even tonight, when the team needed to straighten out the result, to calm the atmosphere, ALLEGRI turned to Mr NO GOOD and the trust was immediately repaid. Explaining these things to so many cerebral misfits is time wasted. For those who got there, no other words are needed)

BONUCCI 6 Deep down, but very very deep down, I love you too, Bonny. If it's 8 for Chiello and Barza, it's only 7 for you, sorry.

KEAN S.V. Participates in the festival of the tips, 5 on the field in the final, for the series: ALLEGRI is a shitter.

CRISTIANO RONALDO 5,5 Isn't it lese majesty to consider CR7's performance insufficient? It starts with a monstrous crap not worthy of him that ends up in Grosseto course, continues with the small cabotage, until having to make his usual veronica in the award phase, because other conclusions are not seen. Come on, Cristiano, let's have a laugh about it....

ALLEGRI 6.5 Makes the right move for Super Mario, makes the most out of his spikes (CR7, DYBALA, Marione, KEAN and BERNARDESCHI, all together), brings home the point he needed to keep the Dea from getting in the way and make the party a little bitter. Mission accomplished and everyone's happy.

ALLEGRI TO GO AWAY 10, or rather 11, like the trophies he brings to Juventus' history. Even if, from what I've heard, the owners don't care so much, busy as they are with the stock market trends. I don't want to get into topics that I don't feel up to, but it's certain that right now we're being deprived of one of the best coaches in the world. And if someone doesn't like the game and doesn't feel satisfied by the performance, that's their problem, certainly not ALLEGRI's. Whoever comes in place of Acciugugina is called to a terrible, almost improbable task. He will need to be supported, because he will really need it.

SAMPDORIA - JUVENTUS 2-0, May 26, 2019

REPORT CARDS... AT THE END OF THE LINE.

PINSOGLIO 5,5 A parry on the ground and an alleged trajectory, beaten backwards. And makes it 1-0 for Doria in the most useless match in history. But losing always turns the boxes and to see a goalkeeper lying down softly, while a draft of the ball enters softly, makes the aforementioned boxes turn like a propeller. Caprari dislodges the spider that dwells at the crossbar, with PINSOGLIO blameless, at least here.

RUGANI 5 Nothing, he never lets me give him a pass, Daniele has it in for me. And yes I was well disposed after the warning for a tactical foul in the middle of the pitch. He regrets CHIELLINI's exit, as if a blind man (pardòn, blind) had his stick taken away. Leaning on BONUCCI is like falling to the ground and in fact.... Between him and Bonny they manage the desperate feat of getting Defrel to shoot a lofia and also allowing the lofia to enter the net. Masterpiece of the defensive ciapa no. To understand the inadequacy of the 24, a masterful exchange between him and BENTANCUR, in which the Uruguayan continues to ask for the give and go and the other returns the ball to him pressed; in the end the ball to the goalkeeper and so much for the speed of the maneuver. I'm afraid that if Sarri arrives, we'll still have to deal with the handsome blond trullallà. Amen.

BONUCCI 5 the last word in life: I've been watching him all season, even though I've often given him plenty of passes. Now that I'm trying to notice him at the photo finish, Leo isn't getting anything right anymore. Tonight he enters with the attitude of a calf destined for slaughter, with his attention under the table and with the serious consequence of messing up the whole defence. For goodness sake, Doria closed the match in forcing, but at the pace of Torero Camomillo. Bonny, come on...

CUADRADO 5.5 Arruffone, confusing, always starts like the DAZN video and like the DAZN video gets stuck on the most beautiful and like the DAZN video makes you swear with serious consequences in Heaven. It would also stall in front of his mother, and then plant about 10 minutes to research a possible succession of action. Again for the series: speed up the maneuver. How much we missed CUADRADO during the season,