Citizen Vain: Stories from Down Under and All Over

By Gerry Burke

SHORT STORIES

Stories from Down Under and all over! Humility is not a common virtue among the rich and famous. The protagonists in these narratives come from all parts of the globe, and have experienced the dizzy heights of fame and fortune. These are people who have let vanity overcome wisdom. Tall poppies need to be cut down to size, and plotting their downfall has been my pleasure.

 

“The Bonfire of the Vanities was hot. These yarns are hotter.” Lucifer Beelzebub

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 25, 2021
• ISBN: 9781663230041

Gerry Burke

Gerry Burke received a Jesuit inspired education at Xavier College in Melbourne, Australia, where he still lives. Before commencing his long career in advertising, he was employed by an international mining company, which included a three year stint in New Guinea. He also dabbled in the horse-racing industry, as an owner and breeder, with some success. Being a former accountant and advertising creative, no one expected Gerry to become a published author, but he embraced this initiative in order to stave off dementia. He has since penned 6 novels, 6 volumes of short stories, and 2 offerings of commentary and opinion relating to Politics, Entertainment, Sport, and Travel. The PEST pseudonym was subjected to a sea change with the introduction of his popular protagonist Paddy Pest to booklovers everywhere. Most people see the garrulous gumshoe from Down Under as a cross between James Bond and Maxwell Smart, and he has been the centre-point of the author’s humour-laden resume. In recent times, there have been diversions into Science Fiction and absolute fiction, all of which have won enthusiastic acclaim. Mr. Burke’s credentials have been well established with ten of his books featuring as a winner or finalist in a variety of international literary competitions. His last three volumes have received multiple citations. Gerry is single and lives with photographs of his best racehorses. http://gerryburke.net

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Copyright © 2021 GERRY BURKE.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by

any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue

in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Editor: Kylie Moreland

Pictorials sourced from Shutterstock and Getty libraries.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-3002-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-3003-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-3004-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021923378

iUniverse rev. date: 11/24/2021

CONTENTS

Preface

Virginia Richmond

Alice Springs

Al Abama

Jen Eva

Kath Mandu

Frank Sumatra

Louise E. Hanna

Kerry Ireland

Beverley Hills

Arge And Tina

Cam Bodia

Lucretia Georgia

Sarah Leone

Monty Carlow

Mel Bourne

About The Author

Author’s Previous Works

PREFACE

Some authors like to write about real people. I don’t. It can get very expensive in the courtroom. Not that there aren’t real people in this compendium of chronicles from around the world. Their participation is greatly appreciated, even though their approval is something I have taken for granted.

Vanity is something that some of us take for granted, and it will surprise many that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Of course, it is not as much fun as some of the others, but those stories are for another day. Some of my protagonists are so vain, it is hard to like them, while others are just lacking a bit of humility.

The narratives all contain my usual mix of hard corn, wordplays, innuendo, double entendres and endless alliteration. I’m afraid you will have to accept that these yarns are not serious works of fiction.

******

VIRGINIA RICHMOND

My friend Virginia is a frequent flyer, so she is well acquainted with the language required to hail a New York cab.

Hey, taxi. Can you take me downtown, or should I just go **** myself?

Not all New York people are crude. Some of them are rude, others just impolite. They mean no harm. With millions of tourists trampling their patch every day, life must be a bitch. The visitors hog the pavement, gawk at everyone, and mostly get in the way, and there’s no leeway for ignorance regarding accepted traditions. Ginny told me about her first meal in the Big Apple—a death-defying experience. When her gratuity didn’t cut the mustard, the waitress tried to run her down in the car park. Let’s face it. Who expects the tip to be more than the cost of the food?

Virginia Richmond was not a tourist. Nor was she rich. Or even American. Yes, her surname coincidently replicated that of her hometown in Victoria, Australia, which was a memorial to a city with the same name in England. The Brits also exported this moniker across the Atlantic in 1737. Let’s not enter into discussion as to why she was called Virginia; at school, she answered to Randy Richmond. There were many boyfriends but no husbands.

THE GOOD-LOOKING GAL AND HER DOWN UNDER PAL!

We’ve been through this before, Lance. I’m not taking you to America with me because you’ve got nothing to offer. No job, no talent, no prospects. The only reason I sleep with you is that you’re a stud. Can I put it any more succinctly?

Gee, babe, I don’t know. What does ‘succinctly’ mean?

You could compare Lance Frugal to the boil on Virginia’s bum. When he appeared on the scene in February, he was an irritation, but his physical ministrations proved hard to resist. For two months, they had lived in a bubble, existing on sex and salt water at her holiday house by the sea. Now the bubble had burst and the sweet thing needed to move on. Before the coronavirus, she had been a top model. Now that the world had reopened, it was time to spread her wings, and parting can be such sweet sorrow.

What I’m trying to say is Piss off. The party’s over.

The farewell at the airport with her mother proved to be more predictable: Write often, eat your greens, and are you wearing clean underwear?

Should she admit to Dorothy that she didn’t wear underwear, it might be a case of a coronary, so she smiled sweetly and kissed her ma goodbye. The man seated beside her in the cheap seats observed no lingerie on show and kept peeking at her Humpty Dumplings. He offered to help with her seat belt.

That was three years earlier and, looking back, one reminisces about a time when we were all young and naïve. Of course, for a beauty queen, young starts at puberty, with the bloom of youth diminishing without compassion as the years pass by. The young woman, now twenty-four years of age, had spent those three years in Manhattan, the most exciting place on Earth.

Hooray for an obvious life choice. A few weeks after that life-threatening first meal, the leggy lady broke bread with one of the top agents in the Garment District, who was looking for fresh blood. Once she received the blessing from Ralph Lauren, the stunner from Tiger Town (Richmond) was away. His Polo designs looked great on her Aussie bod. The world became her oyster, and the catwalks of New York, Paris, Milan and London reverberated under her high heels. Back in Australia, Lance Frugal collected the newspaper cuttings and contemplated revenge.

Some people don’t take rejection well. I could mention Donald Trump, but I don’t want anybody to think that this story is a diatribe about New Yorkers. After all, there are only a handful of serial killers who came from NYC. Not that I would put Lance in that category. In the past few years, he had killed no one that we know of, although his membership of a particular militant motorcycle group allows one to entertain that possibility. For now, the easy rider and his former paramour lived oceans apart.

If you are an attractive supermodel in the world’s most exciting city, you are bound to bump into billionaires. They are everywhere. Virginia would have preferred to romance an unmarried one, but they are a rarity, unless the poor dears are between marriages. For these folks, divorce is too expensive.

I will not say that the Melbourne miss became a kept woman, but that baroque apartment she lived in was out of her pay grade, notwithstanding the fact that she earned good money. What measure of explanation would be forthcoming if mother ever came to visit? Not that she ever would. Virginia always met Dorothy half-way—a first-class return ticket to Honolulu, where they stayed at one of the beach-side resorts. To keep up appearances, Ginny purchased some underwear, and they talked the talk, as only two women can. Needless to say, the activities of friends and relatives at home sounded boring, but a devoted daughter would never say that to her mum. That kind of invective could be unleashed on the likes of Mr. Frugal and other losers.

To a certain extent, she missed Lance’s lovemaking, because billionaires don’t often come in a Richard Gere model. Her current beau, the charismatic Flea Sorenson, ruled supreme at dinner parties but made a small contribution in the bedroom. Flea was a derivation of Fleicien and Felix. His sister Felicity still lived in Denmark with her children Ferdinand and Fredrico.

You may wonder why a girl with so much going for her would choose such a companion, but the truth of the matter was that she had met nothing but jerks in her three years stateside. Once again, this is no reflection on the general population of Manhattan. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and this is how they are. Some overachievers have their own television program.

The fellow’s Christian name must have been an embarrassment because he made his money producing dietary products for animals. He also ran a chain of therapy establishments, specialising in the treatment of people who owned pets. One must explain that there are eight million people who live in NYC apartments, with not much room to ramble with Rupert the Rottweiler. If it wasn’t for professional dog-walkers, Mr. S would own twice as many psychiatric clinics.

Virginia couldn’t accommodate a puppy in her digs because one flea is more than enough, according to her guardian (status identification for the benefit of the doorman and the neighbours). This was a shame because the young woman could get lonely in between assignments and the sporadic visits from her lover. However, now and then, social opportunities kept one amused, none more so than Ralph Lauren’s polo competition, held every year on Memorial Day at Cornell University.

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Virginia Richmond

The participants came from Argentina, Australia, Great Britain and other countries that produce people who like caviar with their horseplay. Pablo Puentes from Peru was one such person, who regularly played a chukka with a glass of bubbly in his hand. The man came across as brash and bold atop his white charger, but few people would classify his bravado as arrogance, him being so handsome and all that. The reclusive romantic fell for his charms within minutes of his dismount and found the flirtatious fellow quite eloquent for a Peruvian.

"Estás buena, senorita. If beauty were water, you would be the whole ocean. Can I offer you some Champagne? It is non-fattening."

Thank you, Senor Puentes. Quite happy with my water, replied Ginny, in a less than confident manner. One should never imbibe the day before an important photo shoot, and the Sports Illustrated calendar is one of the most aspirational assignments around. The courteous caballero accepted her excuse but delved deeply into details of her forthcoming trip to The Bahamas.

Such a coincidence! I will be in that part of the world next week. We must come together, yes? Please call me Pablo.

Oh yes, thought the delectable damsel, but she wasn’t about to unleash her unbridled enthusiasm on a man whose confidence levels were already too high.

That does sound exciting, but you must understand that these photo shoots are full-on with little allowance for free time. The clients insist on getting full value for their money.

Of course they do, agreed the Peruvian playboy, with a smirk on his face.

Two days later, Virginia discovered that the senor from South America had booked the same hotel on the same floor. What a coincidence! It also transpired that he knew half the girls on the shoot. What an operator!

Anyone who leaks the location of this festival of flesh is in trouble, and their names could be leaked to the mafia. So, how did this Latin lover sneak through the turnstiles? Did he possess a season’s pass?

"Buenos dias, Pablo. Cómo estás?"

"Hola, sweetie"

Are you free tonight, baby?

These welcoming comments greeted the pinch-hitter from Peru when he surprisingly appeared on the beach during Virginia’s assignation with the sea lion at water’s edge. Miss September was aware of the difficulty of working with animals and children, but this pinniped proved unruly and undisciplined. Admittedly, he was also underpaid, compared to his partner’s generous stipend. During a fish break, the frustrated femme saw her new friend laughing at her discomfort. Initially, she believed she had drawn the short straw with her choice of photographic partner. Some of the other girls shared the lens with a shark and a stingray. Of course, all these marine creatures, on loan from the aquarium, were truly professional and had been fed prior to call time. Obviously, Sebastian the sea lion was not comfortable in his new surroundings and would not be giving his seal of approval any time soon. While the gofer went in search of Valium, Virginia accepted the director’s chair proffered, and counted the seconds until her admirer would arrive.

Good morning, my beautiful rose. I am amazed that the animal is not captivated by your beauty as we mere mortals are. Is it because you don’t have fins?

Sitting in her seat with her skimpy bikini hiding little, the supermodel wondered whether she should re-evaluate her passionate enthusiasm for this international playboy who kept popping up everywhere. So early in their relationship, and he chose to varnish his witticisms with sarcasm.

Nice to see you again, Pablo, but I must say I am surprised they let you on the shooting set. Are you familiar with the crew?

Of course, my angel of perfection. In my country, I am on the cover of their magazine many times. A number of the ladies here today are also from south of the border. We are acquainted.

This last remark didn’t surprise, but there was no need to rebuff his ridicule with an acerbic comment. As long as he remained kind, generous and sincere, she would be happy to entertain his advances. The expected invitation didn’t take long to materialise.

Do you see that enormous vessel in the harbour, my love?

Who could not see the gigantic craft with the sleek lines moored to the jetty? The gigayacht belonged to Australia’s richest man, a third-generation billionaire and a person who has a habit of marrying models. Could it be coincidence that he was in town at the same time as the Sports Illustrated girls? One such girl had already been aboard this vessel, some years earlier, on Sydney Harbour.

Sure, it belongs to James Packer, but what is he doing here at this time of year?

"Evidently, my delicious peach, he is on his way to visit his relatives, the Green Bay Packers. Nassau just happened to be, how you say, en route. Tonight, he hosts a soiree spectacular, with the whole SI team invited. Everybody looks forward to seeing you there."

The Lothario from Lima retreated to the back beach, just as the camera assistant returned with the Valium. The bikini-clad beauty was ready to renew her love/hate relationship with the oversized sardine with whiskers; what one does for one’s craft.

Who knows what to call the owner of such a boat? Is it captain, commodore, commander or admiral? The big kahuna welcomed Virginia aboard with warmth, reflecting on fond memories of their last meeting in Oz. She seriously doubted that this recollection would have emerged without prompting from someone, but that’s how these guys exist. I know someone who gets nice money just to whisper in his employer’s ear the name of the poor sod he is about to embrace. Call it networking, if you like, or honey hustling, if you are dealing with dames who are hot to trot.

Across the saloon, the Peruvian panther held the floor, surrounded by four or five gorgeous girls, whose total wardrobe would fit into a pygmy’s pouch. The new arrival smiled and then began to scrutinise the décor and furnishings. No expense had been spared, and she was impressed, breathing-in the cool air from one of the open portholes, definitively defined by glitzy curtains of oriental silk. The fully stocked bar offered everything from margarita’s to milk. Ginny ordered a mai tai and then did a double-take. Could she believe it?

One of the waiters, dressed in a bow-tie and white jacket, was heading her way with a plate of hors d’oeuvres. The smiling servant with the selection of savouries was none other than Lance Frugal.

Hi, babe. Would ya like a prawn with an umbrella stuck in it?

For a high school dropout, obviously out of his depth, the layabout looked fantastic. He always tanned well, but life on the ocean wave had him brimming with health and vitality, and those trademark biceps couldn’t be camouflaged under his tuxedo. The big question was—would he be friendly or ferocious?

Wow, Lance, how did you score such a job? This conveyance is a substantial step-up from your Harley. Do you actually get paid?

I’m a deck-hand by day and anything by night. Should the boss need protection, I’m the man. Of course, I get paid. Everybody is entitled to their just desserts.

This last opinion sounded ominous, but there was no chance of extending the conversation. Pablo had spied the tête-à-tête and deemed it unusually long for a prawn transfer, so he intervened.

"Hey waiter, por favor, some service pronto. My girls are starving."

Unsurprisingly, the South American invited Ginny for a turn around the deck, and she accepted gladly, as it would give her an opportunity to put some space between herself and her former lover. Her escort became aware that she was distracted and managed to elicit an explanation. The lady, concerned for her safety, feared the muscular unit from Down Under. He could be a violent man.

There is no need to worry, my princess of perfection; I will not leave your side this evening, and I am a formidable opponent should your friend become aggressive, being competent in the martial arts.

So is he, replied the pride of the palace. He’s got a black belt, although I doubt he uses it much. The bugger can never keep his pants on.

The knowing smile came from the enthusiastic protector, who could well be painted with the same brush. True to his word, Pablo remained by his friend’s side all evening, apart from the occasions when he was on top of her and under her. Their lovemaking continued for most of the night, and they were exhausted by morning.

The breakfast served-up in Virginia’s room came up short. It might have been adequate for a calorie-conscious cover girl, but Pablo would need more if he wanted to repel a vicious attack from an aggrieved fiend.

You’re not a vegan, are you? Will you have the energy to fight off Lance, who has quite a temper?

Don’t worry about me, my precious flower. Tell me about your day so we can put together a plan; perhaps a cruise on the harbour, or a trip to see the swimming pigs?

Yes, such a tourist attraction was available and hard to ignore. However, the girl came to town to work and work she must.

Negative, my prince. After Miss November completes her coupling with the walrus, we are all going to gather around the tank in a seafood restaurant for a photo op. My guess is that the sailor from Sydney will turn up for lunch with Lance riding shotgun. By the way, the water tank is full of man-eating black piranhas. The art director sees some parallel between our girls and the fish.

Ahhh, the much-maligned piranha! You might be aware that this frenetic flipper with the Pepsodent smile hails from South America, but is not generally a threat to humans. Of course, if you are an enemy of James Bond, you might breed a more dangerous species. Personally, I enjoy them lightly grilled with tomato and lemon.

Isn’t this exactly the light lunch that the hedonistic helmsman would enjoy at the restaurant? Packer, a large man, always tried to watch his waistline, which had a tendency to contract and expand in relation to his worries, of which there were many. His bodyguard did not rate a seat at the table and visually patrolled the area from the foyer. Management had provided him with a chair and the latest copy of Playboy magazine. Virginia had managed to avoid the fellow so far and was looking for a rear exit when her phone rang. It was Flea Sorenson.

Exciting news, darling. Guess who’s coming down to Nassau for a few days? We’re opening another psychiatric clinic downtown. Meet me at the airport around 10 a.m.

Just when the locals thought they would never need a shrink in their town. Isn’t sun, sand and serenity the panacea for peace and pleasure? Another skin clinic! Now, that would be acceptable. To be frank, Miss Richmond reckoned that she might be the first customer. Who could believe such a situation—being stuck in paradise with three lovers—past, present and omnipresent? All she needed now was for her mother to arrive. In fact, this would have been the perfect solution, and an excuse to postpone her nocturnal activities. Unfortunately, Dorothy was fully committed to her bingo regime, and would never have made it to The Bahamas in time, anyway.

As the teller of this tale, it is incumbent of me to be