MAN:RESTARTED: A Real Life, No Nonsense Guide For Men in their Middle Years

By Steve Pinner

For all the men who have awoken one morning and asked themselves the question;
"Is this all there is?"

It is one of the many troubling questions that men find themselves confronted with as they enter and then travel through the middle years of their life. The simple yet reassuring answer to this question is; No. There's much, much more. More love, more friendship, more achievement, more inspiring experiences and so much more fun. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

MAN:RESTARTED is a real world, no nonsense blueprint to leave behind a life lived in 'quiet desperation' behind and look to your future with optimism and enthusiasm. Likened to having a 'chat with a mate over a beer', MAN:RESTARTED is brutally honest, inspiring and for the every day man who wants to rediscover the fire in his belly.

Join educator, men's well-being advocate and man who has found his own way to a mid-life 'Restart', Steve Pinner, for a straight forward plan towards a passionate, resilient and exciting future.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tablo Publishing
• Release date: Oct 29, 2021
• ISBN: 9781685830717

Book preview

Intro...

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning 

but anyone can start today and make a new ending

-Maria Robinson

This book is for all the men who have woken up one morning and asked themselves;

Is this all there is?

It is one of the many troubling questions that men find themselves confronted with as they enter and then travel through the middle years of their lives. The simple yet reassuring answer to this question is; No. There's much, much more. More love, more friendship, more achievement, more purpose, more inspiring experiences and so much more fun. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The middle years of a man's life are like a ginormous jigsaw puzzle. A puzzle that started out in our childhood with a handful of oversized pieces all readily within reach. The puzzle has gradually has grown into one of the those 10,000 piece bastards that take months to finish. Frustratingly, as the puzzle has got bigger, more and more pieces have seemed to have been misplaced or, more likely, were missing from the box to start with. It now seems like mission impossible to locate and then assemble all the pieces together into one clear image. This book is a real life, no bullshit way to find those missing pieces to your midlife puzzle.

So often the midlife struggles that men encounter are seemingly without reason. A man may have everything that he has ever wished for; a wonderful partner who he shares a joyful and supportive relationship with. Healthy and happy kids. Success in his career. A supportive group of mates. Financial stability. Yet he can't shake the feeling of being stuck in a state of 'quiet desperation'.

I know how these men feel because, as a man now deep into his forties, I have shared those feelings of helplessness, frustration and, sometimes, deep turmoil. I had a nagging sense of craving something more… yet no idea what that actually meant. This was despite all the evidence to the contrary that suggested I should be feeling the polar opposite. My marriage was healthy and thriving. My wife and I had been blessed with two awesome kids and our family was extremely close, sharing a life full of precious moments. I was also surrounded by a loving and close knit family, and had work that left me both personally satisfied and professionally content. This was not to mention my group of close mates, who could always be relied upon for both fun and support when I needed it.

It was in spite of all of the amazing people and experiences that I had in my life, that I couldn't let go of a sick feeling in my gut and a deep sadness in my whole body that I was letting everyone down, especially those I loved the most. I often felt lethargic, flat, unmotivated, struggling to find direction and, for the first time in my life, I was developing a sense that I suddenly didn't have the unlimited time to do all the things that I wanted to do. It was only when I went through upheaval in my professional life that all of these feelings and deep self reflection really came to a head. I look back at that time now as the catalyst I needed to drag me out of my malaise, to stop me from simply going through the motions and to push me towards reinvigorating my self-belief, my purpose, my priorities and how I lived each and every one of my days.

Along the way I learnt how to manage the down times that inevitably raise their ugly heads every now and again. I found a way to relight the fire in my belly that I thought had been extinguished. My enthusiasm returned and, along with it, a new found impetus to live every day to it's fullest. Most importantly, I realised that the strategies and approaches that I had found could be used by other men to pull them out of the quiet desperation and deliver them a life that they yearn for. I needed to share them with men like you.

This is the story of how I became a MAN:RESTARTED and how you will too.

The Inspiration;

Sydney, September 2015

A large scout hall on Sydney's north western outskirts was filled to the brim with the noise of excited laughter from the assembled gathering of almost 100 kids and adults.

The getting-to-know-you games had been running for about 10 minutes, with activities that saw groups being assembled through instructions such as ‘find everyone with the same eye colour' and ’make groups with those who have the same favourite pizza topping’. Some of the kids shyly found their way to the right option, leading their adult ‘mentor' by the hand, while the boisterous ones careered away from their buddies, making as much of a racket as possible and ignoring where they should be heading.

After the group had arranged themselves into a massive line based in order of height that twisted its way like a snake around the hall, Kristy Thomas, co-founder of ‘Feel the Magic’, suddenly lowered the volume and softened the playfulness in her voice. The instructions for the final icebreaker activity had a deeper motive than to just help strangers start interacting with each other.

It reminded everyone exactly why they were there.

In a tone that met the gravity of the request, Kristy asked;

"Now I’d like you to find others who have lost the same family member that you have. 

Those who have lost their mum, please form a group. 

Those who have lost their dad, please join together. 

And those who have lost their brother or sister please find each other in another group."

This was Camp Magic.

A three day ‘grief’ camp, established by the ‘Feel the Magic’ charity, that brought together children who had suffered the traumatic loss of a parent, sibling or very close loved one. The weekend of activities had a number of objectives for the kids who were attending; to help them understand their grief through group counselling sessions, to develop skills that would help them to deal with their loss and, most critically, to make friendships that ensured that they realised that they were not alone.

Slowly and with some hesitancy, the children, aged from six to seventeen, started to gather together in their groups. With their adult mentors by their side, they slowly sought out others that had suffered the same tragedy that they had. Heartbreaking murmurs of ‘my mum’, ‘my daddy' were clearly audible.

When everyone had found their group as requested by Kristy, a dreadful revelation took my breath away. In the middle of the hall stood two kids who had suffered the pain of losing their beloved brother or sister. Ten kids gathered who had tragically lost their precious mum. In the final group, some thirty boys and girls huddled together that had lost their dad.

Thirty.

Thirty men lost in the prime of their life.

Thirty shattered little souls who would never again feel the strength and warmth of their dad’s cuddles, hear the guidance of his voice or see the sparkle in his eyes and smile.

I instantaneously felt such terrible sadness and I couldn't help but think of how much the loss of my own dad over 20 years earlier had so profoundly effected me at age 21. So many lost dads. So many little kids with broken hearts.  So many wives left devastated and alone. So many teenagers left without a vital guiding light.

Cancer. Heart disease. Car accidents. Suicide. So many of these deaths preventable and every single one leaving a trail of trauma and the tragedy of so many memories left 'un-lived'.

The pain etched onto the faces of these unbelievably brave kids was heart wrenching but over the course of the next few days we would see glimpses of their former selves. The fun loving, joyful smiles returned that had been lost through the relentless flow of tears. The brief minutes when they forgot about their pain and could just be kids again, laughing, playing and feeling the wonder of a new friendship. The freedom of being seen for who they really are and not just that kid at school who had lost their mum or dad.

Camp Magic also gave these kids respite from the taunts that can regularly come from cruel children with no understanding of the damage that they cause. They were now amongst people who 'got it'. The importance of just feeling like a normal kid again cannot be overestimated. Camp Magic provided grieving children with the safe space to share their stories of loss, allow their tears to flow, to laugh without feeling guilty, to overcome fear and grow confidence in the outdoor recreation activities and eventually be returned home safely to their families. Complete with a new understanding that they were not alone and that life will be sunny again one day.

The unrelenting feeling as a Camp Magic mentor is to find a way to make their hurt go away. But no one can do that. Nothing will ever take away their pain. It may dull over time but the pain of a deep loss like that, and especially at such a tender age, is a pain that is never truly lost.

Why am I telling you this? Well it was through my experience of being a mentor at the first Camp Magic in 2015 that helped me find my life’s calling. While I didn't appreciate it at the time, these were my first steps towards what would eventually morph into MAN:RESTARTED. I knew back then that I had to find a way to do more than just volunteer a few weekends every a year to be a friend, a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on.

I eventually realised that while I can’t take away the pain from the kids who have lost their dads, I can help the kids who’s dads are still alive. The kids who’s dads are still with us but are on a path to a shortened life. I can work towards this by inspiring and educating men in the prime of their lives to not take their lives for granted.

To get living. To get loving. To get moving. To get healthy.

To get RESTARTED.

Those of us who are now in the middle years of our life no doubt appreciate all of that but there’s always something holding us back from making the changes that we know we need to make.

This is where I come in.

As an educator I have worked with students ranging in age from 4 years to 60. My focus has always been on making learning fun, relevant and as easy to implement into real life as possible. The teaching trade is pretty straight forward in my view; seek out the required knowledge and information, adapt it so that people can comprehend and understand it in their own unique way and then support them to put that knowledge into action in order to better their lives.

Sitting beside that is the ability to understand your students, know what makes them tick and what will help them find that all important switch that turns on the light of curiosity and excitement. This ability is vital to the premise of MAN:RESTARTED, as I know what blokes like myself need; an appreciation that we are not alone in those feelings of being stuck, worried, frustrated, regretful and sometimes, fucking petrified. Most vitally we need to know that there is a way to leave all of that wasted energy and time behind and rediscover our optimism and verve.

There is so much fantastic work being done in the men's health and wellbeing field yet it can be exceptionally time consuming to find, sometimes difficult to understand and then a challenge to implement into your life. Little of it is specifically created for men in their mid life, which I believe is the stage of a man's life when he desperately needs support.

MAN:RESTARTED is chockers with strategies and real world actions which are the outcome of the legwork that I have done on your behalf. I’ve spent hours, days, weeks, months and, even bloody years, reading, researching and immersing myself in as many topics, theories and strategies that a man in his mid 30's to early 50's could benefit from. In some areas I’ve started out as an absolute novice and educated myself, while in others I’ve had a solid foundation to build upon. I consider myself to be a committed, passionate and lifelong student in this stuff and I want to drag you along for the ride. My goal was to take the wealth of knowledge that is available, mesh that with my own philosophies, ideas and experiences and then adapt all of that into a one stop shop to help blokes in their middle years re-engage with what truly matters in their life.

The content we will cover together, both in this book, in the ensuing MAN:RESTARTED titles and via any other means that you decide is worthy of your time, effort, commitment and hard earned, is real life stuff. Stuff that has worked for so many other men in the same situations that you (and I) have found ourselves in.

MAN:RESTARTED is all about gathering the information that makes a difference, filtering out the crap and helping you re-discover the fire in your belly that still smoulders somewhere deep inside. It is written it in a style that is intentionally ‘like a chat with a mate over a beer’ as that’s how I speak in real life and is authentically me, the occasional bit of fruity language included.

So this is for the guys who desperately need a fresh start. They want to re-connect with their partners and their kids. They know that they need to get healthy, both mentally and physically. They need to find a way to do work that has meaning. It’s for the men who have a nagging feeling of time running out and a profound urge for change. The fellas who want to throw off the shackles of the past and tackle their present and future with open hearts and relentless enthusiasm.

It is also for the wives and partners who want their man to be happy, optimistic and engaged with life. To rediscover their shared passion and love in a lifelong rampage through the years together.

Finally, it is for the kids and teenagers who desperately need the unique loving presence, direction, playfulness and kindness that only a dad can provide.

This book is dedicated to my dad, Kel, who we lost when he was only 45 years old but who has left me with the ideals of ‘Backbone and Heart’ that I now live my life by. It couldn't have been written without the unbelievably patient support of my precious wife and partner in all things fun, Meagan, and encouragement from our two amazing kids, Hayley and Darcy.

To find out more about the wonderful work that Feel the Magic do,  volunteer as a Camp Magic mentor or donate to help a grieving child attend Camp Magic, scan the QR code here;

https://feelthemagic.org.au

Chapter 1; A Tale of Two Novembers

Everything you want is on the other side of hard

-Monty Williams 

November 2013

As I stood at the tee box at the Dunes Golf Club, on Victoria's Mornington Peninsula, I took a brief moment to ponder life.

The view on this perfect warm, last day of spring was one that urged me to make a ‘mental bookmark’. Masterfully manicured fairways of a brilliant green, matched with perfectly curated bunkers, framed by a sparkling blue sky with the unusually placid waters of Bass Strait in the distance.

It was a moment in time that demanded to be savoured, so an imprint of it could be recalled on demand. It’s always handy to have a few ‘happy mental places’ on speed dial when circumstances get tough.

As I took in the serenity of what lay in front of me, a sudden realisation hit me…

I was 40. FORTY!….The big FOUR-OHHHHHH.

Wow…how did that happen?  It dawned on me that life was going way too quickly. It felt like the past 20 years had gone in a flash and all of a sudden I was now officially going to be the target of over-the-hill jibes. Despite these revelations I couldn’t help but think that this 40 caper actually wasn't all that bad. Here I was on a glorious day, celebrating my milestone by playing 18 holes of golf with a group of my closest mates. Despite hitting the ball like a drunk, and with the drinks cart not yet even in sight, the company, magnificent surrounds and plans for the rest of the weekend brought a smile to my dial. After this handicap shredding round was over, we’d be off to a picturesque bayside pub to meet our wives, partners and a gang of other friends to celebrate the first 40 years of my life. Good times, with hopefully many more to come.

There’s not much better than a night in the company of close friends, starting with a few frosty cold ‘schooeys’, some tasty tucker and then a couple of bottles of good red. When the morning rolled around, we’d head back to Melbourne to pick up the kids from their grandparents and get ready for another week of work, school and the rigmarole of everyday life. I suppose you could describe my state of mind at that specific point in time as being pretty content. Things were cruising along nicely for me and my family in general. I was very happy with my lot in life, that was for sure.

Yet for some reason, there was something bubbling along beneath the surface that was troubling me. Why did I, despite all of the  great things in my life, have a nagging feeling of something not being quite right? Why was I beginning to ask myself whether I had more to offer, more to give and whether things were genuinely as great as it seemed to be. Why did life seem to be getting more confusing and harder to get a grip on? Was I the only one who felt like this? I thought life experience only made things easier… Was 40 years not experienced enough?

Maybe the rolling fairways and beautifully curated bunkers were a perfect analogy on life. Try as you might to keep your little white ball on the wide open fairway, it’s landing in the occasional bunker and making a great recovery that makes a round more rewarding. As long as you don't duff your ‘up and downs' too often and are constantly stuck on the beach of course.

While I wasn't in a bunker at that time, little did I know that a bloody big one was just around the corner (not unlike the one I encountered during a golf trip to Tassie a few months later).

Steve in the infamous 'Jaws' bunker, Barnbougle Dunes Golf Club, Tasmania, April 2014

November 2014

Fast forward almost exactly one year to the day and I’m just about to tick over to 41, blissfully married, proud dad of two, mortgage holder and suddenly buried in a very deep emotional bunker.

Made redundant.

Unemployed. Unwanted. A failure.

A short, sharp kick in the balls thanks to that modern workforce phenomenon known as a ‘restructure’. My redundancy letter spelt it out most eloquently;

The redundancy will take effect and your employment will end on 28th November 2014. Please be assured that this decision is not a reflection on your performance.

Oh that's just fkn awesome… I feel very assured... and also very unemployed.

So while my drive on the 4th at the Dunes 12 months earlier had a predictably sharp curve on it, this was a curve ball that I didn’t see coming (apologies for the mixed sporting metaphor.) In the weeks that followed the official word that my services were no longer required, I went through a continual roller coaster of emotions; embarrassment, panic, excitement, dread, shame, positivity. While I was usually a glass-half-full person, this bolt from the blue had caused me to feel real anxiety about my future and how it would effect my family.

Mortgage payments, bills, kids school fees, the additional financial and work pressure that would now go onto my wife plus the not insignificant question of what would I do now? How would I replace the income that had just evaporated in front of my eyes? It was not only the financial logistics of life that kept me awake at night but the demolition job on my self- esteem too. I had always felt respected and valued during the six years I had been with this senior school education organisation. Now they were saying that they didn't need me. The knowledge that they'd move on quickly and with no sentimentality really hurt. I know that it shouldn't have, but it did. Looking back now, it's clear that my self-image and self-identity was inextricably tied to what I did for a crust. Now that I had been rejected, who was I?

Amidst the gloom, what became clear to me was that this set back was the perfect opportunity to head in a new direction. When I completed my teaching degree as a 31 year old, I had seen and experienced working life outside of a classroom and was never expecting a lifetime as a classroom teacher nor did I have much interest in progressing up the ranks to school leadership. I had ambitions to build a career beyond traditional education and it now seemed like the universe was telling me that now was the time. A bit of this attitude was due to a determination not to wake up one day and realise that I was the grumpy old teacher taking out the frustrations in my life on my students. I had shaken my head so often at at these types in the past with a condescending 'why would you keep doing something you obviously hate?' I certainly didn't hate teaching, I genuinely loved it (and still do) but even then I could see the direction the profession was being taken by bureaucrats and it seemed inevitable that I too would be eaten up and spat out like so many others before me have and so many sadly still are.

Surely this unexpected twist of fate had to be for a reason, right? The old saying that crisis brings opportunity kept ringing in my ears, so all I had to do was work out what the hell my opportunity would be. What I did know for sure was that I couldn’t go back to what I had been doing.

So I started to write.

I wrote ‘to-do’ lists, wish lists, lists of possible things that I could do, lists of what I thought I had a talent for. At about #3 on my wish list, behind opening the batting for Australia and kicking the winning goal in a Grand Final for St.Kilda, neither of which was on the ‘talent for’ list mind you, was to write a book. What to write about generated another furious bout of list writing but one idea stood out and it made perfect sense. Write about turning 40.

Write about being a 40-year-old man with hopes, dreams, worries, and uncertainty. Write about being a 40-year-old man in a happy marriage that has been able to withstand it's challenges. Write about being a 40-year-old man with kids. Write about how I felt about losing my job. Write about all the interesting things and influences that have caused me to land where I was on that day. At that stage there was no ambition to have those words read by others, just an urge to get them onto paper, or onto a screen to be more accurate. So what started out as a pastime due to having more time on my hands gradually developed into a possible professional direction thanks to a series of curve balls that headed my way, or in a more appropriate Aussie vernacular, an over of in-swinging, toe-crushing ‘yorkers’ that the brilliant Pakistani fast bowler Wasim Akram would have been proud of.

In the 12 months that followed the loss of my job, I was struck by a range of events that ran the entire gamut of emotions; from abject sadness to inspired optimism. Every one of these experiences gave me a clearer perspective of my purpose and of the importance of getting out what would eventually become the MAN:RESTARTED message.

The death of two mates in separate and very different tragedies.

The realisation that a number of people close to me were suffering from a variety of emotional and mental ill health issues.

The awareness of my own health issues.

Becoming involved with the ‘Feel the Magic’ organisation.

I don't pretend that my story is anything special. I don't have a tragic story to tell or an inspirational tale of overcoming an addiction to share. I'm just an average bloke who was stuck in no man's land and found a way to get himself back into the game of life. I sincerely hope that what I discovered resonates and helps you generate the same enthusiasm and outlook that I now have.

COVID-19: The very definition of a Toe Crushing Yorker

I was about 3/4 of the way through my final draft of this book when news reports of something called the coronavirus first broke. At first most of us thought it was a bit of a joke, especially to a few mates who looked down upon anyone who preferred a Corona over a VB. It certainly didn't appear to be anything worry about.

How wrong we were.

Covid-19 has changed our lives in ways that, even at this time, we can't possibly fathom. As I write this addendum, it's mid 2021. Variants of the virus are now killing thousands of people around the world and while the promise of effective vaccines is now a reality, we still have an uncertain future ahead of us all. At its core we don't really know how the virus, and it's variants, will affect us if we are infected. The original belief that only the old and frail are at its mercy is being challenged with healthy people in their 20's, 30's and 40's falling very ill and, in some cases, dying lonely deaths away from their loved ones. The tragedy of missing the final moments of a family member's life and not being able to grieve due to border closures is yet another situation where the real effects may not be known for a long time. Then there are the growing questions about the lingering and long term effects that Covid infection may have… just another ‘what the bloody hell else does this bastard do’ challenge for us all to face.

There's no doubt that the side effects of lockdowns, as well as the apprehension of being infected, has created pain, anxiety and chaos. The tragic loss of life should not be understated but often is. It's easy to look at statistics and forget that every single number in the deaths column is a person who has lost their life prematurely and is being deeply mourned by those who love them. To anyone who has lost a loved one, my sincere condolences and thoughts are with you.

The financial and personal trauma caused from lost employment and collapsing businesses has been felt by the millions around the world. In both work and family life, the loss of the freedom to travel, gather together and basically do things that are healthy for our minds as well as our bodies have been put on hold. Our friends in health care have not only been run into the ground while caring for those infected but have put the own health on the line to do so. My deepest gratitude and respect to the nurses, doctors and all health care workers who have truly been the ones who are dragging us through this nightmare. Isolation may have it's own hashtag but being #iso can be an exceptionally dangerous thing at the best of times, let alone when anxiety about a pandemic is running rampant. While we're yet to hear about the full cost of isolation in terms of mental ill health and how individuals have been affected during this period, its safe to say that it's going to have been a really brutal time for anyone with mental ill health symptoms. We are also yet to see the outcome of lockdown on domestic abuse, which again, sadly, will most likely be disturbing reading.

Initially at least, lockdowns were a welcome respite from crazy, hectic lives for many. Despite the restrictions that meant seeing our extended family and friends was put on hold, working from home gave us the time to re-connect with our immediate family. A chance to spend extended timewith our kids and become more closely involved with their education. To take a lunchtime walk with our partners, to cook home made dinners every night and re-build the very beneficial habit of sitting down for a meal and quality time together. Before Covid finding the time to do these life affirming things was near impossible, which in many ways can be a contributing factor in why so many middle aged men suffer from a range of mental ill health conditions. We will speak often about the impact that the relentless commitments that our middle years of life bring us and how detrimental that can be to our mental and physical wellbeing.

It was an experience that our family of four will look back on fondly in many ways, not withstanding a few to be expected times when the Groundhog Days of nothingness heightened, or totally numbed, emotions. Of course by the time we entered the second half of 2021 the novelty of being locked down had well and truly gone and we just desperately wanted to return to some resemblance of what life used to be like.

One clear conclusion that Covid-19 has re-affirmed for me is that so many of the key messages that MAN:RESTARTED