Just Add Peanut Butter and Stir: A Parents’ Survival Kit

By Wm. J. Coste

The first method is childbirtha venturous undertaking for the dashing in all of us. This heterosexual-oldie-but-goodie method negates the seemingly only valid information ever obtained from your parents: You cant get something for nothing. Childbirth is time-tested and without restrictive licenses, fees, or time-consuming patent searches. Hopefully, by the trial-and-error approach, you have already discovered this most economic (north of Tijuana) and most charming method of attaining your namesake. Only after the virile initial deposit will the costs and demands begin to spiral. With endless lessons on natural birth (unnatural would be delivering on shredded copies of Glamour magazine), Lamaze training, saddles, and the home-or-hospital decision, it might behoove you to withdraw your significant interest early and look at prepackaged acquisitions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 31, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984531438

Wm. J. Coste

Bill Coste is a product of the Seattle Public School System. He holds a B.S. in Education from Western Oregon University, with endorsements in Business and P.E. He is also a charter graduate of the Northwest International School of Banking. After spending ten years as a commercial banker, he turned to teaching, and for the last 30 years he has been a high school business teacher.

Book preview

Copyright © 2018 by Wm. J. Coste.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2018906387

ISBN:                  Hardcover                        978-1-9845-3145-2

                            Softcover                           978-1-9845-3144-5

                            eBook                                978-1-9845-3143-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 06/22/2018

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

777264

Dedicated to Two-Shoes

2.jpg

19 March 2018.

Contents

Foreword

Truths On Raising Children

Chapter 1     Bombs Away

Chapter 2     Tit for Tot or Not

Chapter 3     B’cuz

Chapter 4     Eraser Races

Chapter 5     Rebel Trousers

Chapter 6     The Preignorance Period

Chapter 7     High School: Caps and Goons or Saps and Gowns

Chapter 8     Howls of IV (More) or Quest for Subject of Least Resistance

Chapter 9     The Wedding: In-laws or Out-Laws

Backword

FOREWORD

TRUTHS ON RAISING CHILDREN

Wm. J. Coste

I SHALL PREFACE the truths on raising children with a few comments regarding the blissful period of infant acquisition. Perhaps this enlightenment should start with a little Chicago-overcoat-flash synopsis of the various means of acquiring your bundles of joy.

The first method is childbirth, a venturous undertaking for the dashing in all of us. This heterosexual oldie-but-goodie negates the seemingly only valid information ever obtained from your parents: You can’t get something for nothing. Childbirth is time-tested and is without restrictive licenses, fees, or time-consuming patent searches. Hopefully, by the trial-and-error approach, you have already discovered this most economic (north of Tijuana) and most charming method of attaining your namesake. Only after the virile initial deposit will the costs and demands begin to spiral. With endless lessons on natural birth (unnatural would be delivering on shredded copies of Glamour magazine), Lamaze training, saddles, and the home-or-hospital decision, it might behoove you to withdraw your significant interest early and look at prepackaged acquisitions.

A common painless, prepackaged procurement for nonerectus paternus or reticent parents with low wham counts is adoption. Be careful. You may be purchasing someone else’s problems here. With the marvelous breakthroughs in silicone cosmetology, dental work, and plastic surgery, the facade might mask the real picture. For your peace of mind, ask for old mug shots before you sign any earnest agreement papers. In your presence, demand physical and mental tests of this prospect. These rigorous tests should expose any malfunctions. Here’s a suggestion: shout and snarl in the face of this waif (prudence recommends that you be discreet about this test). A preferred polite and obedient child will cower and apologize for doing nothing. Any other response should send up black-and-blue flags. IQ, physical expectations, and potential vocational abilities should also be illumined by these tests. For bartering purposes, you will naturally want to be present for the test administering and scoring process; this is the time when the value will be established. Before applying your moniker to the adoption papers, demand a minimum seven-year rescission agreement without expensive damaged-return clauses. Shop your rebates!

Another painless, prepacked alternative is fostering. Couples who like to claim their marriages are made in heaven seem to favor this benevolent preference. It’s likely these divinely nuptial unions lack confederacy in the sack. Fostering is much like leasing with the option to buy or return. Those who become faint of heart when it comes to the decision-making process can relax. It does not require the imagination of Wile E. Coyote to be a successful parent with these options. Fostering does have its advantages. Briefly, government subsidies and the exemption tax bennie make this investment worth the consideration, not to mention that these tots have had their expensive shots. A further advantage is the elimination of miscegenational surprises. You can select the physical characteristics important to you and, possibly with much consternation and luck, locate an idyllic child with a gleam of poltroonery in its eye. A smart, industrious selection can make every home workday like Sunday on the farm. A conservative selection eliminates the diaper-duty years. And if I dare mention, you lonely hearts, penny pinchers, and confused wardrobers have a viable alternative in the fostering option. Should the latter be your fancy and/or desire, it is suggested you seek legal advice before procuring your model.

A suburban fancy, becoming popular with the propeller and jet set, is creating your baby in a test tube (womb with a view) in the comfort of your own home. Kits can be purchased through most convenience stores. For a few extra dinero, they can be purchased already packaged for microwaves. Why make the conceiving of your child so private? The old missionary position is hit-or-miss and offends the new aerobic generation, with the exception of voyeurs. Why not bring it into the open and proclaim it as it should be—the social gala event of your year? Invite your friends, relatives, and clergy. Buy or rent the best video equipment for taping this tubular event. Years later, this do-it-at-home video could be used in lieu of the sensitive, classic birds-and-bees lecture. Bottles of Dom Pérignon, chilling on ice, could be popped open to celebrate the instant the industrious spermatozoid penetrates the waiting egg wall. Profiting at an occasion such as this is never tacky if the potential gains are ostentatiously indecent.

Democratic advocates are just beginning to understand this capitalistic pearl of philosophy. Pari-mutuel wagering, as permitted within your neighborhood, could be conjured. To appease the estranged, speculating white-hatted spectators, the house withholdings could be split between pro-life organizations and capital-punishment champions. Bets on the exact time of conception could be wagered. For the zealous, competitive guests, the spermatozoa could be color-coded and viewed as a contest, where only one sperm cell survives. Side wagers of first on, closest to the yolk, and first in could further stir up this proxy event. Surely all the aforementioned, with snacks and music (live or taped), could blend for a unique scrapbook moment. It’s a wonderful preventive solution, too, for married men who would forever ponder mailman jokes …

The very expensive surrogate alternative provides alternatives for malfunctioning wombs and for those who faint over mild cases of constipation. Warning: many substitute mothers become more than pinch hitters. After carrying the transplant for months, the surrogate may become attached to her load and plea (under the finders-keepers law) to legally keep your deposited claim. (See your local bailment and adverse-possession laws.) Surrogating is also not recommended for those whose work demands relocation or for the notoriously forgetful.

We have covered the basic options regarding the acquisition of children. Entering the twenty-first century prohibits any nonsensical discussions of the stork or kicking over rocks or searching in ovens. However, after viewing a few minutes of MTV, causality necessitates consideration to the kicking-over-rocks theory. Suffice it to say, Who knows?

3.jpg

Nine months, three days; pre-Skippy era.

CHAPTER 1

Bombs Away

F OR THE EVENTUAL stay at the hospital, a suitcase full of Porky’s (a common term of endearment for expectant, ponderous women used by husbands, relatives, and very close friends) necessities should be stocked early. If the term early is unclear, go by Webster ’s definition: before the usual or expected time. Keep this luggage in the family Edsel trunk, next to the omni-important spare tire and jumper cables. Porky should be discouraged from jump-starting the car by pushing it between contractions. This interruption of motion can be very disconcerting for the driver. The suitcase should be packed while it is in the trunk because of its weight. These are the suggested contents:

A fortnight supply of thigh-length underwear

One nursing bra

Two boxes of maxi sanitary napkins

Slippers

Toothbrush, floss, toothpaste, and Waterpik, and/or denture glue

Two nightgowns (one pink and one blue)

One new teddy (two sizes larger than before)

Baby clothes and blanket

The legal text—obstetric lawsuits of the nineties

A hollowed out Dr. Spock book for hiding Valium

One metric standard dilation converter

Eyeglasses (all babies look the same)

String and one folded sterile bedsheet

One gallon of boiling water

Newspaper

No scissors (hospital personnel should snip the umbilical cord)

Two generic disposable diapers for the ride home

A second bag should be stored with pink and blue balloons (and a small helium canister would be wise). Include birthday banners and streamers. A few safety-approved toys for tots, not smaller than any of the baby’s orifices, are recommended. This rules out BBs. These favors are to decorate the viewing bowl, the temporary abode where your newborn will be displayed. The competition of keeping up with the Joneses kicks off in the hospital nursery.

A wise inclusion to this second valise would be a plastic bag stored with miscellaneous sugar-free delights. After the baby is born, a sordid change will occur in the mother’s diet. Her usual scrutiny of animal fat intake is going to change; the interest in grams will be displaced to Has it been cooked? At times, her orders will echo down the serene hospital halls: Just knock the —— horns off it and bring it to me! Her voracious caloric intake will take off like radishes planted under a rabbit hutch. Her vision, once only for you, will focus only toward the hospital cafeteria staff. It must be at this time that Mother Nature advises mothers to begin storing energy for the coming terrible twos. This bruin prehibernation-gorging compulsion can impel her to summon all her feminine resources, (a no-win situation for the more dominant, stronger, and hairier sex), thereby sinking you to felonious levels. If memory serves me correctly, the notorious John Dillinger was first booked for smuggling corpulent contraband into a hospital. Thus I advise you, fathers, to time your visits while the indulged beloved is eating. Once you get home, enlist assistance from someone not too close to the family. This person should be someone with whom you are not interested in building a lasting relationship with or someone whom you owe money. Seek out a person with the type of valor or ignorance that makes a man leap on a grenade to save another. Ask this philanthropic consignee, dedicated to the proposition that slim is better, to say the following to your wife: Oh, I see you’re pregnant again—congratulations! Lastly, bring a box of rum-soaked cigars (nothing but the best).

Also, do not forget to carry on your person a map to the hospital, your insurance ID card, your agent’s full name, and your checkbook with a current check-guarantee card.

After frantically entering the hospital on a dead run, you will probably notice that all the hospital staff are bombed. You wonder if their personnel collective bargaining reward was a carte blanche card to the hospital drug cabinets. Your anxiety over your bride’s hysterical contortions will seem to go unnoticed. Obviously, they’re all soccer fans. After writing and signing a five-hundred-word essay on the meaning of your wife’s pregnancy, you will be kindly asked, by a lady who much resembles a barmaid friend, to prove the existence of your insurance company and spout its balance sheet figures. Not until you have signed and left a blank check for running a tab to that familiar lady will your puffy and now blue-faced wife be acknowledged. This woman, who has been toting an additional thirty pounds for the past two weeks while maintaining housework and chores and who has just push-started the old Edsel, is going to be slowly assisted at the front desk of the hospital into a wheelchair for the stones’ throw to the metamorphose area. Immediately, your delivery anxiety of urgency is transferred to challenging the competency of the hospital staff. Obviously, they don’t know squat about this woman.

At this point, it is up to you to remember to ascertain that a copy of the baby’s birth certificate be forwarded to social security. Since 1988, any children five years or older must have a social security number in order for you to claim them as dependents on your income tax returns. Don’t forget one of the reasons you’re here. This bennie is one of the plus factors for having children.

For a short period, you will be separated while the better half is prepped for delivery. (After thirty hours of labor, you will feel like suggesting to the hospital’s angels of mercy that the term prepped for delivery be changed to prepped for labor.) During the preppy separation, your now perspiring wife will be presented with a cute used ensemble of slippers and open-back chemise. The latter will highlight her pink cheeks and protruding naval—with strings positioned in the back to deter escapes. These partial cover-ups are also for acclimating one to the total loss of privacy that they will have to endure for the next few hours. After a reckless shave from thigh to navel, an orange-colored polishing will highlight the scene of the upcoming attraction. After some very personal probing and being exhibited to doctors, nurses, interns, and high school career education classes, the very exposed mother will be wheelchaired, complaining of drafts, from the viewing room to the labor room. After a crane lifts her from the wheelchair to the inclined labor slab, she will be left alone to ponder why the ceiling and walls are covered with egg cartons. After a spell, someone will appear to indoctrinate both of you to the sequence of events coming. Included is a pep talk that is supposed to erase the fears instilled by your predecessors. He/she will volunteer trivia on how loud we can speak without being heard because of the acoustic nature of