Enough Love: Essays from a Journey to Find Happiness

By Paula Fortune

Enough Love is a collection of essays weaving together the brutally-honest story of one womans journey through depression, sexual promiscuity, avoidance of intimacy, fear of abandonment, marriage, divorce, and multiple suicide attempts to a place of self-love and joy. Including excerpts from her own personal journals between age ten to present day, Paula Fortune eloquently describes what her life was like, what she did to change it, and what it is like today.

Enough Love will enlighten the reader about the severity of sex and love addiction, a disease largely considered a joke by the media and public opinion. Light is shed on turning resentment into compassion, moving from atheism to faith, and healing the inevitable family-of-origin wounds. It is guaranteed to provide hope and inspiration to anyone suffering from low self-worth, addictive patterns, and relationship issues.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Mar 24, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504352055

Paula Fortune

Paula Fortune identifies as a grateful recovering sex and love addict. She has integrated multiple healing modalities into her recovery the 12-step program, psychotherapy, group therapy, couples therapy, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, sound healing, breath work, cranio-sacral therapy, deep tissue massage, Balinese water purifications, and writing. She is a passionate blogger, storyteller, journal writer and self-discovery practitioner. Paula earned a Bachelors degree in Psychology from Wake Forest University and a Master of Business Administration degree from University of Southern California. She grew up in southeastern United States, and has spent much of her adult life living on the west coast in California and Oregon. She currently resides in Bali, Indonesia. Enough Love is her first book.

Book preview

Enough Love

37497.png

Essays from a Journey to Find Happiness

Paula Fortune

37503.png

Copyright © 2016 Paula Fortune.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5204-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5206-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5205-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016902865

Balboa Press rev. date: 03/17/2016

Contents

Acknowledgment

Prologue

Chapter One Paula’s Journal, Grade 6

Chapter Two Love, Part 1

Chapter Three Paula’s Journals, Grades 8 & 9

Chapter Four Dad, Part 1

Chapter Five Paula’s Journals, Grades 10 & 11

Chapter Six Sex, Part 1

Chapter Seven Sex, Part 2

Chapter Eight Confusion

Chapter Nine Mom

Chapter Ten Impermanence

Chapter Eleven Recovery

Chapter Twelve Honesty

Chapter Thirteen Reality

Chapter Fourteen Separation

Chapter Fifteen Reparenting

Chapter Sixteen Emerging

Chapter Seventeen Dad, Part 2

Chapter Eighteen Love, Part 2

Epilogue

Notes

For all the souls who deserve love but keep themselves from it out of fear of intimacy and abandonment.

Acknowledgment

I am eternally grateful for the therapists, healers, and guides in my life without whom this story would be very different and would not likely have been shared with the world: Abby Kesden, Deirdre Stewart, Elizabeth Hill, Kelly McDaniel, Jill Vermeire, Sara Stein, and Jovanna Desmarais. Special thanks to my dearest friend, Tara Haggett, who has shown me the meaning of unconditional love over and over again. Deep gratitude to friends who have shared with me and saved me along the way: Monisha Coelho, Karen Kefira, Vanessa Joslyn, Kiki Venios, Molly Cornwell, Beryt Nisenson, and Molly Fulbright. Thanks to Kelly Morgan, who unleashed my creative flow through The Artist’s Way. Thank you to my writing partner, Jaclyn Philpott, who kept me inspired while I was writing. Most of all I am thankful to my supportive and dynamic family of origin, who gave me the life experiences that have made me who I am.

I also want to thank the following financial backers of the Kickstarter campaign that made self-publishing possible: Michael Woodbury, Tara Haggett, Ann Donahue, Tara Hagen, Alix Floyd, Kristen Rezak, Cheryn Pollard, Laurie Alper, Dorothy Vollmer, Marick Tedesco, Janet Juban, Deirdre Lopez, Wendy Foldes, and Kathleen Leard. Thank you for believing in me and the importance of my story.

Finally, Enough Love came together through the restructuring of its content by my dear friend and editor, Karen Kefira. When I reached the end of my sabbatical and had little time to continue the creative process, she selflessly stepped in on my behalf. At the moment I was about to submit the manuscript for printing, knowing I wasn’t feeling amazing about what I was sending, she stopped me, asked could she help, and created a collection of essays from the detailed tale I had drafted. The book is vastly more enjoyable and digestible because of her work, time, and guidance.

Prologue

Do you know how many women would love to have their husbands want them the way I want you? Jacob asks, reaching around from behind me to put one hand down the front of my pants, grabbing at my breasts with the other.

I resist and pull away.

We’re at a Black Crowes concert.

I know, I tell him.

How do you know?

I say, Because you tell me almost every day.

Jacob drinks about ten or twelve beers during the show.

Earlier, as I stood with him in the beer line, I asked, You’re going to let me drive home, right?

Yep, Jacob says.

There’s a woman in line in front of us who turns and blurts out, Fast and furious!

She’s referring to the way I would be driving.

Jacob looks at the woman and says, It’ll be hard for her to give me a blowjob in the car if she’s driving. The woman’s face goes pale, and before she can regain her composure and respond, Jacob is loudly suggesting we take a cab home, so that I can still get my blowjob in the car!

I used to give him one when we would drive across town, drunk, to meet our cocaine dealer.

He smokes weed in the car on the way home. I drive home while he passes out.

The next day, I struggle to find a way to explain to my husband how horrifying this experience was for me. How the public groping and blowjob demands made me feel like a degraded, trashy sex object. A year ago? I would have loved it. Inappropriate sexual attention was one of the things that got me high.

Hello… My name is Paula, and I’m a sex and love addict.

Chapter One

Paula’s Journal, Grade 6

January 11, 1982

I am in love with Clark.

He is the tall cute guy with dirty-blond hair in my sixth-grade homeroom.

I asked my Magic 8-Ball if Clark would break up with my friend Lynn in the next week, and it said yes. Lynn has dark hair and big boobs. While I look like I’m eleven with a chest as flat as a board, Lynn looks like she’s eighteen. The 8-Ball said it would happen Tuesday or Thursday. No luck Tuesday, so I hope for Thursday. I also asked it if he would ask me. That lucky day will be Wednesday or Friday next week.

I swear I’m going to flush the 8-Ball if it tells me another lie. It’s got a worse reputation for untruth than I do.

I want to tell Clark I like him, but there is no way. I wish to hell he’d break up with Lynn. I don’t even know if I like her.

Tonight I’ll go to the 4-H County Council meeting with Melissa, my best friend and next-door neighbor. I met her when I was four, when my family moved to New Orleans. I’m in the finals in the Milkmake Contest. I should go every month since I’m secretary of our club.

Paula is my name. Clark is my game. Depression is my fame.

January 14, 1982

I have great news: Lynn broke up with Clark. There is always bad news with good, so here it comes. Cindy, another girl at school, broke up with Eddie, and she likes Clark. Cindy is short and so is Eddie. Cindy is also kind of bitchy. Clark’s height is wasted on her. Because she’s more popular and outgoing than me, I’m afraid Clark may like her more. What the hell? I’ve been patient all this time; why not wait for my turn after Cindy?

I won third place in the Milkmake Contest. I won a really cheap bracelet with the 4-H clover emblem on it. I don’t get depressed much anymore. It is wonderful. I sure hope Clark asks me before Valentine’s Day.

Paula Waters … Mrs. Clark D. Waters … Paula and Clark Waters

January 18, 1982

Today was absolutely awful. I hate Mrs. Sussex. She let the class out for lunch in order of quietness. The last people she let out were five of the boys and me. She said we were getting a D- in conduct. I know she won’t give us a D- in conduct.

At lunch another girlfriend told me Lynn and Kurt were going together now. Kurt has blond hair and blue eyes and is the most popular boy in school. I think Lynn is so cruel to go with someone every minute.

Kurt said, Clark would be crazy to go with Paula. He would be laughed out of the sixth grade. So I know he just goes out with the popular girls so he can be popular.

So many boys are egotistical, lying, hypocritical sons of bitches. None admit they are wrong, and they pretend to be cool and always insult the unpopular girls, except for about six I can think of. Not many out of about forty, is it? It’s kind of sad.

January 19, 1982

Today I got grounded because I got a C- in conduct on my progress report. I am grounded Mondays through Thursdays for six weeks.

I got really mad and said to Dad, I hate you!

He didn’t even seem to care.

January 24, 1982

I spent Friday night with Tina. She lives in the neighborhood too. Tina has an older sister and lives with her mom. We stayed up until 4:00 a.m. and woke up around 8:00 a.m. At night we made a Hate Melissa Club because she said all these mean things about Tina earlier that day. Tina and I already like Melissa again now, though.

Tina had her birthday party at the skating rink. It was fun. I actually couple-skated with cute, popular, blond-haired Kurt; well, he skated with me on one side and Melissa on the other. I found out Denise and Alison, two girls in the seventh grade, were smoking cigarettes.

January 25, 1982

Bill broke up with my friend Noria because she likes Stan and (of course) Kurt better. Noria told me. I told everyone. I hate her so bad.

Me, Melissa, and a few other girls started a club called the Mexican Radio. Me or Deena will be president.

My crush, Clark, told Bill to ask out Kristen, my bubbly girlfriend with a twin sister. He said he would if Clark asked me. Kristen said she would go with him if I would go with Clark. Clark is nicer to me every day. He says he’s sorry for everything. I hope so bad he asks me and Bill asks Kristen.

January 28, 1982

I was elected president of The Mexican Radio club yesterday, and one girl quit. We are going to let Stephanie and Christy in. Bitchy Cindy started a rumor that Clark said he wouldn’t go with me because I wear glasses. I thought about it and started to believe that Clark said it. I got mad at him. Here is our conversation:

Clark: Why is everyone so mad at me?

Me: I won’t say, but I sure am. I don’t intend to talk to you either. You know, Clark, that I’ve liked you since third grade, the first time I ever saw you.

Clark: Yes, I know.

Me: (Getting teary.) Through all those years, did you give me respect? Of course not.

He left and went to talk to Bill. Melissa heard him say that he wanted to go with me. I think he likes me!

February 5, 1982

Last night Melissa slept over. We made a rating chart for looks, personality, and overall likability. Melissa’s total was sixty and mine was fifty-three. Ted gave me a ten. Clark gave me a nine and a half. Melissa’s score was the highest out of twenty-two people; mine was second.

The great news is at the skating rink today, two boys (!!!), Ted and Clark, asked me to go with them at the same time. Of course I said yes to Clark. I couldn’t believe it. Melissa is now going with Eddie, and they french kissed. Clark kissed me good-bye on the cheek. I am so happy.

February 13, 1982

Today I had my party. I didn’t invite Cindy because she said Clark had bad taste to go with me. The party was super fun. We played spin the bottle, and I frenched Clark three times and had to kiss Stan on the cheek.

Later on Dad walked in on Clark and me lying on the bed. He asked what we were doing.

I told him, Just talking.

He said, Why was the shade down, and why did Clark run out when he saw me?

I said, I don’t know why we were in the dark, but Clark ran out because he didn’t want you to think we were doing anything.

He seemed all right with that.

February 20, 1982

Saturday, I spent the night with Melissa. I had to beg Dad to let me go. Melissa and I sunbathed even though it was only sixty-six degrees.

We walked up to Bill’s today to play kickball. Ted and Bill were doing some yard work for Bill’s mom. Melissa, Kurt, and I played catch with Bill’s football. Melissa and I got hot and took off our shirts (we wore bathing suits underneath them). Kurt’s eyes nearly popped off his face when he saw me take off my shirt. I liked that.

February 26, 1982

Stan called me at Kristen’s spend-the-night party and told me Eddie wanted to go with me. I had already thought of breaking up with Clark. So I did. Eddie broke up with Kristen, Kurt broke up with Noria, Stan broke up with Melissa, and Bill broke up with Laura.

I think Kurt likes me better now. He used to think I was a drag. I don’t think he does anymore because of Friday: Melissa and I met him in the woods by the water tower. We climbed a tree and dropped out of it to catch one another. Kurt and I ended up hugging. Then my hands got really cold. I put my hand in the pocket of Kurt’s Members Only jacket. It only fit two fingers, but it felt warm.

February 28, 1982

I was going with Eddie for a few days until he broke up with me because he wanted to go with Noria. Noria broke up with Kurt.

I said to Eddie, Since you have to be going with someone every minute, you’ll have to find someone else. He hung up. I was so happy. I’ve gotten Melissa to call Clark and tell him I didn’t want to break up with him before and to see if he would go with me again. I hope I go with him or Kurt.

March 9, 1982

Today was okay, I guess. I got a C in conduct on my report card. I got straight As besides a B in writing. I am on honor roll. I hate getting good grades. Everyone calls me a goody-goody.

March 14, 1982

Today was a pretty bad day. I had track after school and came inside to look at the day’s rating charts. I got a seven and a half, which used to be a seven, from Bill. Ted lowered me from