The Lying Mirror: A Young Girl’S Battle with Anorexia

By Hope de la Cruz

It dominates your thoughts, it determines your actions, it demands your attention, it dictates your emotions. What is it? Food. Imagine a life where every day, the thought of food consumes your mind. When you eat, what you eat, how much you eat, who you eat with, where you will eat, its always on your mind. Imagine a life where the more you seek control, the more out of control things become and the less control you actually have. Imagine a life where snakes, spiders, or heights are not your biggest fear but eating, gaining weight, mirrors, and scales are your biggest fears. To many people struggling with eating disorders, this life is reality. This life where every waking moment your thoughts turn to food, and your constant worry is that you are fat or gaining weight. The following is a memoir of a young girls journey as she struggles to overcome the battle against anorexia. The following is a memoir about how a young girl turns from controlling what she eats to be controlled BY what she eats and her journey to give that control over to God, to find her identity in Him, to find satisfaction in the way He made her. Join this young girl as she tells her story about her struggles, fears, and addiction with food and how friends, family, and most importantly God, helped her turn from that path of destruction to the path of healing, recovery, and restoration. The journey is not easy and the path is not smooth, but please join her as she shares her encounters on her journey and shows how God helped to transform her mind from one that believed the lies portrayed in the lying mirror to one that rests in the Truth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Oct 22, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490896984

Hope de la Cruz

After graduating with a Bachelors in psychology and Spanish, Hope felt called to work in child welfare. God has used her past struggles to relate with families who feel they have lost hope. She longs to reach abused and neglected children, remembering the forgotten.

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Copyright © 2015 Hope de la Cruz.

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*All names and locations have been changed to protect the identity of those included in this book.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-9697-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9698-4 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/01/2015

Contents

Special Thanks

Dedication

Consumed

Preface Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Fairest of Them All?

Part 1 It’s A Slow Fade

Part 2 On The Long Road To Recovery

Part 3 In Remission

Part 4 Here We Go Again

Part 5 Cross Country May Have Broken Me, But It Saved My Life

Part 6 Using The Bad For Good

Part 7 Looking At Today

Part 8 Ending Thoughts And Reflections

Carry You

Resources

Special Thanks

I would first like to thank my mom and my sister Hannah* for encouraging me to write this book. Although I’ve thought about writing down my story for a long time, it was because of you both that I finally followed through with it.

I would also like to thank my family for putting up with me throughout my trials. I have come to realize how hard it must have been for you, how frustrating it must have been, how scared you must have been for me. I thank you for not giving up on me.

I want to thank my friends who’ve helped me along the way, especially Julia and Jordan. Your past and current support means so much to me. Thank you for sticking by me, holding me accountable, and being there when I needed you most. Thank you to my friend whose name I have omitted from this book per her request. Thank you for reminding me for my reason for sharing my story.

I also want to thank my college cross-country coach. Although you don’t want to admit it, I know you have a heart that cares for others. Your persistence has helped me overcome so much.

Lastly, and most importantly, I would like to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I thank You for never giving up on me no matter how much I mess up. I thank You for reminding me that my value comes from You. I thank You for placing people in my life who love and care for me and have supported me in the past and continue to support me now. I thank You for using my story to help others, and I pray that You will continue to do so.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder in the past or who is currently struggling with one. I know the war is not easy and each battle is rough, but I hope my story will help encourage you. I hope my story will also lead you to seek the support and comfort of family and friends as you fight one battle at a time.

Consumed

By Hope de la Cruz

It’s a demon possessing your thoughts.

It’s a weight that’s too heavy to bear.

It’s a chain holding you captive.

It’s a fog clouding your mind.

It’s an illusion twisting the truth.

It’s a lie you’re forced to believe.

It’s a path that has no end.

It’s a loneliness beyond belief.

It’s a fear that can’t be overcome.

It’s an obsession controlling your desires.

It’s a dark hallway with no return.

It’s a hole with no way out.

But, oh, if there were only a way out.

PREFACE

"Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,

Who’s the Fairest of Them All?"

They say mirrors never lie. Just ask the queen from Snow White. When asked, Who’s the fairest of them all? the mirror had no other choice but to answer, Snow White. As devastating as the news was for the wicked queen, the mirror had to tell her the truth.

Now, I know this is just a fairy tale, but it is true in real life as well: Mirrors simply tell you what’s there. Take, for example, when you wake up very tired in the morning. You look in the mirror and see that you have droopy and puffy eyelids. The mirror doesn’t hide the tired look on your face that people always seem to comment on. Or think about how a woman looks after she has been crying and her mascara runs down her cheeks. As much as she wishes the mirror would show something different, it confirms that she looks like a raccoon stuck in a downpour. Or what about when you attempt to cut your own hair and the mirror shows that you failed miserably, as little pieces of hair stick out from all angles and uneven layers fall around your neck? A mirror’s job is simply to reflect what is there, sad as the truth may be.

But do all mirrors tell the truth all the time? I have come to the realization that the answer is a resounding no! What about funhouse mirrors, the ones where you look in and see yourself five times taller than normal, five times fatter, stretched out every which way? Are those mirrors telling the truth? Obviously not. What about side mirrors on cars? It’s printed on them that objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

So maybe mirrors don’t always tell the truth. This became clear when I was in fifth grade. As a young girl, I stared in the mirror and saw a normal, if not slightly overweight, figure staring back at me. I did not see the outline of my shoulder blades or my ribs as they protruded from my body. Nor did I see the gaunt face staring back at me. Sure, I noticed my pants becoming looser on me; pants that used to be too tight now fell down without a belt. But the mirror told me I was fat, and I always believed mirrors told the truth. I failed to listen to those around me who said I was too thin and needed to eat more. It was right in front of me, plain as day: The mirror told me I was fat, and I chose to believe it and ignore the warnings from those who loved me. After all, people lie all the time. How could I be sure they were telling me the truth? No, mirrors reflect what’s in front of you, and I had to believe them—or so I thought.

Mirrors can distort the truth. I know that now, even though it is still hard to believe at times, but I didn’t know it back then—back when I had only heard briefly about eating disorders and didn’t really know what they were. Back when I didn’t know the risks involved with extreme dieting. Back when eating was not a huge ordeal, and food did not consume my thoughts. Back before the things I desired most were complete opposites of each other: wanting to stay thin yet knowing I needed to gain weight. Back when I was normal—before my life changed forever.

The following memoir is a glimpse into the life of a young girl struggling with anorexia—the thoughts, the actions, the beliefs, and the struggles. My life with anorexia, my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs, and my struggles. It has not been an easy road, and though I’ve left the path I was once on, memories of it still haunt me. Disturbing thoughts still haunt me and threaten to bring me back to that path. But with the help of friends and family, I’m determined not to return to that path which became so familiar to me.

And in my battle to keep on the new path that I’ve decided to travel, I write this in hopes of helping outsiders gain an understanding of what eating disorder victims go through—and yes, I say victims because that is what we are. Victims of all-consuming thoughts, of lies, of conflicting desires: desires to get better yet desires to stay thin; desires to lose our identity as the thin one, the one with anorexia, yet desires to maintain that identity for fear of losing who we are.

My hope is also to let those struggling with eating disorders know there is a way out. It is not easy by any means—at times it takes a daily reminder—but it is possible. Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor and author of the book Night, once said, Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.¹

This is why I