Truths, Half Truths and Bovine Scatology

By Derek Hirst

What better way to contemplate history than to start at the beginning, in the book of Genesis. The late Andy Rooney struck a chord with me that I have been grappling with for some time. In his article (June 3, 2011), he opined, and I quote: I dont think many people who get deep into the study of philosophy are that religious. I dont think the two subjects fit together well. Religion is believing. Philosophy is skeptical. Its skeptical of religion. Its even skeptical of philosophy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503572751

Derek Hirst

Around the year 1985, while visiting one of my favorite establishments, I was spotted by one of my more mirthful friends, standing in his usual place at the bar. He immediately burst into laughter, the likes of which I was not accustomed to experiencing until later in the evening. On observing my puzzled expression, he exclaimed, “You bloody colonial.” On seeing that this did nothing to alleviate my bewilderment, he went on to remind me, thinking that I had been too inebriated to remember that I had referred to him as such the previous evening. There were times when such an event may have occurred, but for two reasons, this was not one of them. First, I had never associated the local populace with colonialism, and second, I had not even been there the previous evening. I therefore concluded that he either dreamt it, or it must have been someone else from the motherland that had been the reason for his mirth. Since that time, I have used the expression “you bloody colonial” with amusing response when called for by the situation. This led to the idea of writing a novel about a group of British characters that were still calling the shots, as it were here in the United States—thereby influencing politics and business without the powers realizing it, the aforementioned friend being the model for one of the main characters.

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TRUTHS,

HALF TRUTHS AND BOVINE SCATOLOGY

DEREK HIRST

Copyright © 2015 by Derek Hirst.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015908308

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 08/27/2015

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Bovine Scatology

The Beginning

Between the Sheets

Hoghton Tower

Diversity

Society and Evolution

MIT EAPS

The F&T

Tobacco and Alcohol

Food and Drink

America Discovery

Sports

Top Dog

Emigration

Church-State and Henry VIII

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Special thanks to my son, Andrew, for his valuable input in this book.

Also to my wife, Anne, for her patience while writing this manuscript.

Lastly, to Richard Lederer

I dedicate this book to my parents. As I have often said, I was born in the right place at the right time and from the right stock.

PREFACE

Around the year 1985, while visiting one of my favorite establishments, I was spotted by one of my more mirthful friends, standing in his usual place at the bar. He immediately burst into laughter, the likes of which I was not accustomed to experiencing until later in the evening. On observing my puzzled expression, he exclaimed, You bloody colonial. On seeing that this did nothing to alleviate my bewilderment, he went on to remind me, thinking that I had been too inebriated to remember that I had referred to him as such the previous evening. There were times when such an event may have occurred, but for two reasons, this was not one of them. First, I had never associated the local populace with colonialism, and second, I had not even been there the previous evening. I therefore concluded that he either dreamt it or it must have been someone else from the motherland that had been the reason for his mirth. Since that time, I have used the expression you bloody colonial with amusing response when called for by the situation.

This led to the idea of writing a novel about a group of British characters that were still calling the shots, as it were, here in the United States—thereby influencing politics and business without the powers that be realizing it, the aforementioned friend being the model for one of the main characters.

However, when testing for feedback from a sampling of people from various walks of life, I found that, although a few considered it a good idea, most either did not see the humor or figured there was a lot of truth to it. So I abandoned the project.

Nevertheless, undeterred, my interest still fresh, and having observed conflicting accounts of historical events—many of which bore no semblance to tongue in cheek—I decided to address this conundrum.

When in school, especially the early years, teachers are, or should I say were, the unquestioned authority. Everything they teach is gospel to the minds of impressionable youngsters, although they do not always retain the message as intended.

An amusing example, albeit an extreme one, of what is taught as opposed to what is absorbed can be found in The World according to Student Bloopers, by Richard Lederer—an excerpt of which is as follows.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

As we mature, or at least grow older, we begin to form our own opinions. The more I witness current events and see how they are recorded by historians, the more skeptical and fascinated I become of past historical accounts, hence this:

Truths, Half Truths, and Bovine Scatology

History

Ancient and Modern

This book is based on historical events that are questionable.

BOVINE SCATOLOGY

Speaking of bovine scatology, I am reminded of an incident that occurred back when I was a young lad.

From time to time, I would go along with my aunt to visit relatives of hers in another town. I suppose they were relatives of mine, but I don’t know by what degree. I never did get as far as to the town center. They were a family of farmers and resided in a rural place before reaching the town.

We had to climb a hill to reach the country road on which the bus traveled in order to get to our destination. On that particular occasion, we were running late. When we were nearing the top of the hill, we saw the bus coming, so we were forced to take a shortcut across the field.

The bus driver, having seen the predicament in which we found ourselves, stopped the bus and waited for us. The busses ran infrequently, so if we didn’t catch that one, we would have been too late.

We ran across the field not only to get to the bus but also, and more importantly, because we were being pursued by a bull. I don’t suppose that the bull was in any mood to think about scatology or relieving himself in any way, but we were not in a position to find out.

On reaching the fence, fortunately ahead of the bull, we dove underneath it, to the amusement of the passengers on the bus. As I recall, my aunt tore her coat on the barbwire of the fence, but otherwise, we arrived at our destination unscathed.

The matriarch of the farm had, as always, prepared