Carol's Letters: The Story of My Mother's Suicide

By S. Cunningham

What is appropriate? Do I act like I never saw the letters and put them back in with her things? Do I show them to my dad and ask him what is appropriate to do with them? out of respect for mom and out of respect for those of us who survive her because they could have just as easily fallen into anyone elses possession, I will share with you these letters.
-S. Cunningham, Chapter 23: Dear Diary

Due to various circumstances, she may become overwhelmed by many responsibilities which she feels before God she must be able to meet. She doesnt want to complain, because she wants to be totally surrendered to Gods will and respectful of her husbands leadership. If her husband does not sense the pressure his wife is under, and if she feels this is all Gods will, then she has NO OUT. This can lead in extreme circumstances to mental disorders (temporary or permanent) or suicide.
-Carol Cunningham, Chapter 9: Dear Tim

Maybe Im insane and irrational in an attempt to explain my mothers death, but to me it makes more sense now. Now that I read moms writing what she really felt. I read these letters and for the first time see her as more than a mother, but as a person with weaknesses and struggles like anyone else.
-S. Cunningham, Chapter 23: Dear Diary

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781479744862

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Carol’s Letters

The Story of My Mother’s Suicide

STEPHEN CUNNINGHAM

Copyright © 2012 by Stephen Cunningham.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2012920750

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Contents

PROLOGUE

INTRODUCTION

HISTORICAL CONTEXT

JUSTIFICATION FOR SHARING THE LETTERS

1. DEAR CAROL (FROM HER MOTHER)         JULY 18, 1971

2. OF WHAT BENEFIT COULD A COLLEGE EDUCATION BE?         UNKNOWN TIME

3. TESTIMONY         1990

4. PSYCHIATRIC NURSING PRACTICUM         NOVEMBER 15, 1974

5. THOUGHTS         OCTOBER 1988-APRIL 1989

6. DEAR COLLEEN         MARCH 29, 1994

7. THE ELISABETH ELLIOT NEWSLETTER         JANUARY/FEBRUARY 1998

8. DEAR TIM         FEBRUARY 20, 1998

9. DEAR CAROL (FROM JUNE EAGLE)         DECEMBER 2, 1999

10. DEAR CAROL (FROM GRACE LAWTON)         UNKNOWN TIME

11. THE LORD HAS BROUGHT THIS PROBLEM         UNKNOWN TIME

12. DEAR DON         CIRCA 2003–2005

13. TODAY WE’RE GOING TO TALK         CIRCA 2005–2006

14. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD! (FROM LOIS)         SEPTEMBER 6, 2006

15. DEAR LOIS         SEPTEMBER 2006

16. DEAR MEMBERS OF THE SESSION         OCTOBER 17, 2006

17. DEAR MOM         DECEMBER 3, 2006

18. DOCTOR’S OFFICE          MAY 7 AND 15, 2007

19. TRAZODONE          MAY 15, 2007

20. DEAR MR. AND MRS. CUNNINGHAM (FROM TAKA)          MAY 30, 2007

21. JULIA—I’LL BE BACK         MAY 30 OR MAY 31, 2007

22. VOICE MAILS          THURSDAY, MAY 31, 2007

23. DEAR DIARY

24. DEAR MEMBERS OF THE SESSION (FROM ME)          JUNE 16, 2007

EPILOGUE

APPENDIX

PRAYER SHEET

ADVERBS

PUNS

GLOSSARY

DEDICATION

Dedicated to my grandmother, because no mother should have to outlive her child

Dedicated to my younger sisters, because no daughter should have to grow up without a mother

In memory of my mother, whom I have gotten to know better in writing this book

With thanks to my wife, though she never met my mother,

she has been incredibly loving, patient and supportive during

the process of publishing this book.

PROLOGUE

Dear Reader,

This collection of letters and commentary finds its way to publication only after much thought and consideration. Even now, years removed from my mother’s suicide, it is a very personal and painful subject for me and my whole family. I was hesitant to publish this because I thought it may be too disrespectful, particularly to my father. However, it is an overzealous respect for my father (as you will see by many people, including church elders, my mother, even myself) that played a large part in my mother’s story. At the time of my mother’s death, I was under the impression that her issues, her problems, her coping mechanisms, her insight and her perceptions were unique to her—that she was a special case. While I still believe my mother was special and unique, I now believe her circumstances and her condition are not unique in principle. I believe there are many people who experience the struggles described in this book or know someone who has struggled with marriage, manipulation, guilt, depression, spousal or parental approval, or suicide. I hope that good will come from sharing my story with its many unresolved issues within my own family. I found the collection of my mother’s letters and critical analysis of events leading up to her death therapeutic in my own process of coming to terms with the reality of her suicide.

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), in 2007 suicide in the United States was the eleventh leading cause of death in the country. That year, the total number of suicide deaths was 34,598, almost double the number of deaths due to homicide. In 2008, the American Journal of Preventative Medicine reported that U.S. suicide rates were on the rise, particularly among middle-aged white women.

My mother can no longer cry for help. This book is my cry for help. I want to help the controlling husband think about how his actions affect his wife. I want to help the oppressed wife realize there is a way out. For the suicidal person, I hope you recognize your need for help and seek professional help. For those who know a suicidal person, I implore you to recognize it and be proactive. For those grieving a suicide, I share your sense of loss, anger, bitterness, blame, abandonment, responsibility, shame, and helplessness.

The process of grieving is unique to each individual. I am by nature analytical. While the knowledge of my mother’s suicide is very emotional, my way to deal with it is to understand it. While the pain never goes away, there is an amount of peace that comes through finding answers—even if they aren’t the answers we were hoping to find. Nothing can turn back the clock and give us our loved one back. It is my hope that my mother’s story and my story will lead to something good.

These letters were initially shared with my older brother Jon, who encouraged me to share them with the elders in our church (often referred to in this text as the session). I shared with the elders, my mom’s family (my grandparents and uncle and aunt), my siblings, and some of my mom’s and my own friends. The people with whom these letters were first shared were generally familiar with the characters involved. Since the initial collection, which was compiled and shared on June 16—just over two weeks after my mom’s death—I have made only a few alterations. I have changed names, to protect the privacy of individuals involved, and I have added some extra explanations so the reader who is unfamiliar with my family and church can better follow the (at times confusing) story.

I grew up in rural South Jersey as the middle child in a family of seven children. My father was the pastor of a church congregation of approximately three hundred members. Growing up, we lived on the church property, in a house owned by the church. My dad was (and is) a very devout, religious Presbyterian man. As a child, we would wake up early on school days to have devotions as a family, reading the Bible together and usually sing a hymn. Dinners were also always followed by Bible reading, discussion, and singing of Christian songs. I learned an immense amount of knowledge about the Bible and Christian living in this setting and am grateful for the love and support of both of my parents, whom I believe raised me well. While some readers may be familiar with this way of life, I believe it is foreign to many. I moved away from home in 2000, but the rural church scene is where much of this story takes place.

In the interest of privacy, this book is authored by a pen name. While names have been changed to protect the privacy of people involved and the commentary sections as well as introductions which precede each chapter represent my perspective and opinions, the letters, events, and all the other information in the book are nonfiction.

Sincerely,

S. Cunningham

INTRODUCTION

A S I SIT down to begin the task before me, I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that fill my head. Over the course of the past weeks following Mom’s tragic suicide, I have experienced a range of emotions: sadness, blinding anger, fear, guilt, annoyance, hate, love. I have commentated and speculated much on Mom’s life and the events surrounding her death. In an effort to portray her story in the most accurate way possible, I attempt in the following account to use as few of my words as possible and mainly present the story as I understand it with my mother’s own words, the words of involved individuals, and, as needed, my own words, to summarize events in as objective a way as possible. At the end, I add my impression, assessment, and commentary—some rants in anger, others written in a more calm state.

Living next door to the church office, my mother had access to a photocopy machine. While I am sure she did not make copies of all the letters she ever wrote, many of the letters contained in this book are photocopies of letters she sent and were not obtained from the recipients, but rather from the copies she kept.

Summaries or introductions precede each letter. Many of the early letters serve merely as a background and context for what follows. I must confess there are several places within the introductions where I digress from my goal of objectivity and offer some very opinionated remarks. I also must confess this book is built in some ways on a faulty premise—that I can use rational thought processes to understand irrational behavior. In this book I collect data and attempt to explain events in a rational way. While this is usually a reasonable way to make sense of things, in the case of suicide, rational thought is out the window. To many people, including myself, the concept of suicide—desiring to harm oneself and take one’s own life—is an urge we have never felt. To harm oneself goes against the basic survival instinct of almost all living things. I therefore would like to take this moment to acknowledge from the outset my inability to conclusively rationalize the irrational. In examining the events leading up to my mother’s suicide there is an element of cause and effect that I attempt to explore, yet there are deeper psychological, psychiatric, even spiritual components which I am neither capable nor qualified to explain.

A glossary (mostly of names) is included at the end of the book to help in keeping the characters straight. The most surprising letters—with the most insight into my mom’s death, in my opinion include Dear Tim (8), Dear Don (12), Dear Members of the Session (16), and Doctor’s Office (18).

HISTORICAL CONTEXT

I N ANTICIPATION OF my mother’s funeral, I set out to make a slide show of my mom’s pictures. I first proceeded up to my mother