The Private Diaries of Lola Jones and Perry Martin: A 1970'S Satire

By Stark Hunter

The Private Diaries of Lola Jones and Perry Martin represents Stark Hunters fourth published opus. His three other published works include the novel, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (2002), his poetry collection, Carnivorous Avenues (2004) and an allegorical novel, Flies (2005). He has been a teacher of language arts in southern California for the past 26 years. Pictured is Mr. Hunter back in the 1970s when wrote Private Diaries.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 4, 2006
• ISBN: 9781469111025

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Copyright © 2006 by Stark Hunter.

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in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the

product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance

to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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Contents

AN INTRODUCTION

(For those who need an introduction)

PART ONE

The Death Of Daisey

PART TWO

The Kidnapping

PART THREE

The Wedding

PART FOUR

When The Clock Strikes Twelve

PART FIVE

The Visions Of Noah

PART SIX

The 7th Avenue Express

This satire is affectionately dedicated to my two daughters,

Stephanie and Kathryn

Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.

—Euripides

AN INTRODUCTION

(For those who need an introduction)

You can quote me if you deem it necessary, but writing a full-length, artistic novel is like scaling a towering, snow-capped mountain . . . without snowshoes. It is a difficult, painful and precise job, requiring patience, perseverance, innate talent and the courage to speak your mind. Some controlled insanity is also, I might add, a necessary ingredient.

The Private Diaries of Lola Jones And Perry Martin was written back in the mid 1970’s when I was still experiencing the final years of my hyper-hormonal, bachelor rages. This novel, and female poon were the only realities that I cared about then.

Necessitating just under 20 months to complete, (July, 1976 to March, 1978), I wrote this novel like one would build a stone wall; day by day, stone by stone; carefully, deliberately and painstakingly. This is certainly not your typical, All-American novel. I’d be insulted if it were labeled as such. But my two main characters, Lola and Perry, are composites of all the young, so-called All American types that I knew back in those glorious, pre-HIV, polyester days. What can I say about bubble-headed Lola? Yes, she is educated, writes well even, but has the two-faced morality of a hopeless skank. It was fun exposing her religious hypocrisy. As for the colorless Perry, I intentionally designed him to be a typical, white, middle-class, gullible geek who never learns. Miraculously, however, he finds his salvation at the end of the novel, mostly because he is in the right place at the right time.

The students of Rio Hondo College in Whittier, California seeded most of my inspiration for this book. Ninety percent of this novel was penned there while I worked in the library. It seems I encountered countless faces there during those two memorable years, and it was in their conversations that I concocted many of the plots and subplots I have written here.

Twice I shelved this novel, vowing never to look at it again. Twice I retrieved it from the shelf of obscurity, vowing to finish it—no matter what! I have cursed it and blessed it, cussed at it and sweet-talked it, laughed over it and cried over it. Now it is your turn, dear reader. I admit some of this is politically incorrect, but alas, that fact is all the more reason to finally publish this satire, 28 years after completing it. If you, the reader, are personally offended by what I have written, I will take it as a supreme compliment.

S. H.

PART ONE

The Death Of Daisey

Monday Jan 11

Dear Aunt Martha:

Yesterday was perhaps the most significant day of my entire life. I finally met the girl of my utmost dreams. Her name is Lola Jones and it all happened so fast. One minute I was walking through life alone, unescorted and unnoticed. Then as fate would have it, Lola stepped into my life. All the sudden I found myself with a new friend with long brown hair, blue eyes, healthy mammary glands, shapely legs, sensual lips and shining white teeth. And Auntie, Lola is just oozing with class. When you were alive Auntie, I knew for a fact that you were the Queen of Class. But now a new Aunt Martha has emerged upon the scene. Lola is a straight A student at Immaculate Conception University; she is majoring in religion; she is a Christian lady who doesn’t drink, smoke, cuss, complain, criticize or slander. And on top of this, she has had no cavities and has never had sex with a man or woman. Lola is indeed a fine example of a truly moral, all-American girl. Oh Auntie, like I said, it all happened so fast. I went to Mass yesterday as usual. While walking up to receive Communion, I gave Lola, who was walking in front of me, a flat tire. I accidentally stepped on the aft side of her right tennis shoe. I, of course, became extremely embarrassed when I realized I had mistakenly removed a strange girl’s shoe from her foot. When Lola discerned the fact that her right shoe was missing, she turned around and ta da—our eyes met. She smiled at me and I bent over and retrieved her shoe. She thanked me and I mumbled: You’re welcome. To tell you the truth, I was awestruck by Lola’s captivating smile. I was completely enticed by her hidden charm. Yes Auntie, it was love at first sight.

I managed to kneel next to her at the communion rail. I nudged her and asked her if she had any boyfriends. She looked at me very surprised and nodded no.

What’s your name, I asked as the priest neared us.

Lola, she answered.

Just at that moment, the priest (Father Fitzpatrick) came to Lola and said: Body of Christ. Lola replied Amen, stuck out her tongue and received the sacrament. After Mass, I approached Lola and asked her if she would like to have dinner sometime. She gave me that innocent smile of hers and said: How bout tonight?

When she said that, I nearly fainted. After making the arrangements, we proceeded to say goodbye. As I walked away, she yelled to me: Hey, what’s your name? I laughed and replied: Perry Martin.

As it turned out, I had a fried chicken dinner at her house over on White Street. I met her father, mother and younger brother. I was very impressed with Lola’s family. Mr. Jones is a corporate executive with Standard Oil; Mrs. Jones is a board member of the George Washington School District and Dudley Jones, Lola’s brother, is the only Mongoloid teenager in Washington City. Dudley, even though he doesn’t talk much, is a really nice guy. He likes to watch television, answer the telephone and is generally a very docile, care-free individual.

Yes, I was greatly impressed with Lola’s family. After supper, Lola and I went for a walk over to Jefferson Road and listened to the owls hoot. Tomorrow I’m going to call her and ask her out. She gave me her telephone number. 5432135. I’ll write more later.

Good night, Auntie,

Perry

Monday Jan 11

Dear Esoteric:

I woke up this morning with a terrible stomach ache. I guess that cheese pizza I made for Charlie late last night had some flaws in it. While brushing my teeth before going over to see Charlie, I felt sick inside and very nauseated. I almost vomited but I held it inside because I hate to expel stomach contents through my mouth. I don’t mind anal bowel movements. Those are biological necessities. But oral upchucking has a tendency to be uncouth and uncomfortable.

I love Charlie but I hate his snoring. After balling up a storm this afternoon, he fell asleep and snored until I could no longer stand it. I tapped him on the shoulder and said: Hey Charlie, you’re snoring. He opened his eyes and slugged me on the arm saying: Don’t wake me when I’m sleeping baby. Next time I’ll knock your damn teeth out.

When he said that, I got out of bed, flipped him off, got dressed and drove home. Charlie didn’t say a word about my leaving. Like a lazy slob, he fell asleep again. I sometimes seriously consider leaving Charlie for good. The only time he’s good to me is when he wants to go to bed. All other times he treats me like his wife of 32 years. The last time he gave me anything was last October. For my birthday, Charlie gave me a Foxy Lady necklace.

Joan and I went to the May Co and found out how much it was worth-2 dollars. Yes, Charlie has a tendency to be cheap, but I still love him.

Yesterday at Mass, I met this guy named Perry Martin. He asked me if I had any boyfriends and, of course, I lied. So I invited him over for Sunday night supper last night. Perry is a quiet kind of man. His eyes are blue and he seems mysterious to me. I found out he is employed at Mead Co. as a Peer Counselor and he loves to read. Mead Co., by the way, manufactures adult and children’s dolls. Anyway, Perry is the exact opposite of Charlie. Charlie is a dumb bell slob who snores. Perry is an intelligent, neatly dressed guy. Charlie, when he’s not drunk, is well balanced on his feet. Perry, on the other hand, has a tendency to be ungainly, which is characteristic of an intellectual. While walking up to receive communion yesterday, Perry clumsily stepped on the heel of my foot. At first, I thought it was some old nearsighted man who hadn’t cleaned his glasses lately. But when I turned around, it was Perry; a cute looking guy with long hair, long eyelashes (longer than mine even) and a comforting smile. What really impressed me about Perry was the fact that he asked me (a total stranger) my name at the communion rail. I like guys with such untimely daring and audacity. I gave Perry my phone number last night and I’m sorry that I did. Why? Because if Charlie ever found out about Perry, he would murder him. Charlie is a jealous man, to say the least.

Goodnight

Lola

Tues Jan 12

Hello Aunt Martha,

Well, I called Lola twice today but she wasn’t home. The first time I called, Dudley answered the phone. I asked him if he knew where Lola was, but he kept on saying hello. When I called the second time, Mrs. Jones answered and she told me Lola had gone shopping with her friend Joan. I suppose Lola is getting ready for the spring semester at ICU. She told me the other night at her house that spring classes start on February 4.

If Lola is the kind of girl I think she is, then she is probably busy buying up clothes left and right, preparing herself for the subtle fashion competition all females engage in while attending any upper class institution of higher learning.

Really Aunt Martha, I know girls. They don’t care about A’s and B’s. They only care about how sexy their ass looks when they walk down the corridors and into the classrooms. When I was in college, every half way decent looking girl would spend most of their time in class combing their long locks; checking and rechecking their eyes and eyebrows; applying slicker to their lips and plucking any loose hairs from their noses. Girls, Aunt Martha, are body conscious not brain conscious. I know. Lola, of course, is an exception. Anyway, I’ll try to get a hold of Lola tomorrow.

Work stinks. I hate work. Mr Mead, my chain smoking, homosexual boss, told me today that I’d look cute if I got a haircut. Mr Maxwell, our schizophrenic vice-president, told me that he thought my face was funny, but sad looking. Mary, the receptionist with the skinny legs (nicknamed the Hideous Sun Demon around the office) and a inferiority complex as big as the moon, came into my office today and asked me if I thought she was sexy. And Barney, my rotund best friend from shipping and receiving, told me he wanted to kill himself. These are only four examples of the kinds of cases I had at work. I should’ve never majored in psychology.

See you later

Perry

Tues Jan 12

Dear Esoteric:

I’ve had quite a hectic day. First of all, Joan and I went to Fashion Mall and together spent over a hundred dollars on new clothes, jewelry, shoes and lingerie. I bought some black lace panties because Charlie loves black lace. I also bought two black bras for 45 dollars plus a see through pinafore for my next date with Charlie. Joan foolishly bought a pair of sunglasses for 27 dollars. As soon as we got home, the glasses fell out of the sack onto the front porch and Joan accidentally stepped on them. The last time I saw Joan cry like that was last spring when Eddie Gomez called her a tight ass hussy at the Altar Society Bazaar.

After our shopping excursion, I drove over to Charlie’s house. As soon as I arrived, Charlie looked at me and asked: Why did you leave me yesterday?

I answered: Because you slugged me. Look at this bruise.

After pulling up my sleeve and showing him my wound, Charlie grabbed me violently and took me into the bedroom where we proceeded to make passionate love for the remainder of the afternoon. I have to admit it, Charlie knows how to make love to a woman. I only wish I had been wearing my new underwear at the time. I like to see Charlie froth at the mouth. I like to slowly undress, make him get on all fours, bark like a dog and beg me to continue. That is when I have Charlie in control. Today, however, Charlie was out of control. I don’t mind being molested and raped once in a great while. But today was ridiculous. I actually came close to drowning today. Maybe I’ll buy a whip and a whistle one of these days. Charlie needs a lion tamer. That’s for sure.

Mother told me Perry called today. I’m kinda glad I wasn’t home. I don’t know what to do about Perry. Maybe I’ll go out with him just once to see what happens. I do love Charlie and I wouldn’t want Charlie to kill me or Perry. I’ll have to think about it.

Goodnight

Lola

Wed Jan 13

Dear Aunt Martha:

When you were alive, were you ever jilted? I suppose everyone once or twice in their life gets emotionally shafted by the person they happen to be involved with. Why do I ask? Well, I think Lola is jilting me. I called her today again but she wasn’t home. Mr Jones answered this time. I said: Hello is Lola home?

No, he answered sternly. Who is this?

His unfriendly tone scared me so I just hung up quickly. I’m pretty sure he didn’t recognize my voice. We didn’t talk much last Sunday when I ate dinner there. I thought he was a nice guy when I first met him. But now I’m not so sure.

I wonder what Lola did today. She probably spent the day helping out at the church. Lola is a truly fine person. Mrs Jones told me Lola is always volunteering her time to the church for baby sitting, bible teaching and coffee making. She also cooks for major church functions, such as the annual Easter morning pancake breakfast.

Oh Aunt Martha. I have found a gem. But now the question is—have I lost it? I’ll try again tomorrow.

Barney visited today. He said he tried to kill himself last night. While watching Happy Days he supposedly developed the uncontrollable urge to destroy himself. He said he went into his kitchen, opened the nearest drawer, took out a hand mixer and mindlessly began to twirl the blades into his stomach. Fortunately, his efforts proved to be fruitless. His fat, beer belly made the going tough. He said he pooped out before he could finish the job. I honestly don’t know what to do about Barney.

Mr Maxwell came in for our usual Wednesday afternoon chat. Among other things, he related to me his hatred and affection for the Jews; his desire to be an anonymous celebrity and his preference for non-spicy Italian-Mexican dishes. I realize Mr Maxwell is a confused man.

Mary also came in to see me today. I think she has a crush on me. She always visits and asks me to talk about her. So I have to sit there and verbally consume her with compliments. I feel sorry for Mary. She is the ugliest girl I have ever known or seen. She makes the wicked witch of the east look like Lola Jones. Lola is the exact opposite of Mary as far as looks and personality are concerned. Anyway, I just hope Mary doesn’t get hurt when I tell her I’m Lola’s man.

Perry

Wed Jan 13

Dear Esoteric:

Spent the entire day at Charlie’s. Charlie drank three six packs of Bud and watched soap operas until around 3 o’clock. At that time, we went into his bedroom and made love until 6. We had another fight today. After giving him an unusually good blowjob, he sat up and said very suspiciously: okay, who ya been practicing on? When I heard that, I couldn’t believe my ears. It really hurt me. Charlie sometimes has no feelings. He doesn’t realize that I am sensitive. He knows he’s the only one in my life. Why does he doubt my fidelity to him? No matter, I must have patience. Men will be men. Besides, he was kinda drunk at the time.

Charlie ought to quit the booze and go find a job. The fat slob lives on welfare—my parent’s hard earned tax dollars. If my dad ever found out his tax money goes to supplying cases of beer and ounces of dope for Welfare Roll Charlie, he’d have a cow.

When I got home tonight from Charlie’s, my dad said: Some creep from school called and wanted to speak to you. I asked who it was, but the creep hung up on me.

The first person I thought of was Perry. Poor man. I guess I’ve been giving him the runaround lately. I hate to do that to a guy, especially a cute guy like Perry, but it can’t be helped. If he gets a hold of me and asks me out, I’ll go out. I only hope Charlie doesn’t find out.

Goodnight

Lola

Thurs Jan 14

Dear Aunt Martha:

I talked to Lola today finally. I called her up this afternoon and asked her if she would like to attend the movies with me this coming weekend. She hesitated and said: Okay.

Great, I said very excitedly.

What night, she asked.

I said how about Saturday? She replied: I can’t make it. Tomorrow would be better for me.

So we both agreed on tomorrow night. Before we hung up, she asked me what the movie was and I told her Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She paused and quietly responded: Sounds good.

Oh Aunt Martha, I’m ecstatic. I’m going out with Lola Jones. I wonder if she kisses on the first date? I doubt it. I have a hunch I won’t be kissing Lola until our sixth or seventh date. Yes Aunt Martha, I have found a gem.

Mr Mead came into my office today and asked me if I would like to go to the ballet with him sometime. At first I was speechless, but after thinking over the matter I said yes. He said groovy and told me he would buy the tickets and let me know when the performance would take place. Did I do wrong Auntie? I remember when you were alive you told me to stay at least a mile away from fags. But I have nothing against fags. They, like everyone else, are people with noses, ears, mouths, eyes and feelings. I just hope Mr Mead keeps his hands off me.

Mr Maxwell showed me the firm’s newest doll product today. The doll, called Cutie Cupid, is life-size and is expected not only to be Mead’s most lucrative creation, but also it’s most controversial. Mr Maxwell demonstrated the doll to me. All one has to do is pull the silver string and Cutie Cupid does the following things: it eats watery oatmeal; it drinks liquids and becomes intoxicated; it tells you in a sexy (recorded) voice that it loves you and wants your body; it flirts and makes passes; it sulks and laughs; it propositions you and, of course, it has the ability to make love to you. All this for only $39.95.

Mary also visited today and told me she wanted to become pregnant. I looked at her flat chest (because I can’t handle looking at her face) and asked her if she had any fathers in mind.

She replied: Yes. You.

When I heard that, I sat up in my chair, laughed a little and did some fast thinking. I’m sorry Mary, I said, but I have this small problem.

What? she asked curiously.

Well, I said seriously, I’m presently getting over a bad case of the clap.

Oh she said with a hint of disappointment. I see.

I’m sorry Mary, but VD maims and kills infants.

I know, she said in a daze and walked out of my office. I think I disillusioned her.

Perry

Thurs Jan 14

Dear Esoteric:

Perry called me today and asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow. I said yes only because Charlie and I had another fight today. It all started when I visited Charlie this morning. He was sitting snugly on the sofa, watching TV, drinking Bud and eating Cheetos for breakfast, when all the sudden he asked me if I had been seeing anyone behind his back. Of course I became infuriated and proceeded to cuss him out like nobody’s business. I asked him: Don’t you trust me Charlie? Am I really a whore in your eyes?

He smiled and said: Any chick with an ass like yours has no business being true to only one man. I know you’ve gone out on me.

Well what could I say to him? He had already indicted, tried and convicted me for supposedly going to bed with other men. Outraged and insulted, I called him an ungrateful fat slob. He turned around and called me a Scum box and I stormed out the door, determined to get even with him. Conveniently, Perry called and I said yes to his request for a date. But now I regret it. If Charlie ever finds out about this, both Perry and I are goners. I know Charlie and he has the capacity to torture and kill.

Luckily, Perry is taking me to the Bijou on the other side of town to see Snow White. Charlie’s tastes in movies are at the opposite pole of a Disney film. Charlie likes porno flicks with lesbian orgies; man and animal relationships; blacks and whites involved in Greek and French culture; teenage Swedish girls being tied up and tortured by Mafia sex perverts and films with handicapped individuals finding their physical nirvana in wheelchairs. Charlie even loves films dealing with insect mating. One such porno film he raved about was: The Nasty Praying Mantis—which was shown last summer at his favorite theatre—The Roxoff.

So like I said, I’m relieved Perry is taking me across town for our date.

Joan called tonight. She asked me to go shopping with her tomorrow.