The Secret of Simplicity: A Simple Little River Town Is Threatened by a Demon Cloud’S Blood-Thirsty Armies

By Dan Kassera

Simplicity is a secret place, located in another dimension, which is parallel to our own world. Its just one of many places that exist in the spirit world. Its known only to the select few who have been tricked and abducted from this world and taken there. Thats in the belief that they had just won a free shopping trip to the Mall in Minnesota.

Unknown to them, it is far more than that. The Mall is really not in Minnesota, but somewhere else in that other dimension. Both very good and bad people are taken there. Some of the really bad ones are imprisoned in that strange mall. They are finally brought to justice in some very creative and appropriate ways.

Most are transported from there to a strangely quaint little river town called Simplicity. Those people have all been taken there for very specific reasons. Some find a little piece of heaven there. A few others find themselves trapped in what, for them, is their own personal hell. There is no escape and no plea bargaining.

Train visitors are recruited there to serve a vital cause, once they return home. That is the cause of freedom and liberty back in America. That can only be achieved through well-organized civil disobedience and, perhaps, armed rebellion. A very creative new way has been found to actually make that work. Its a way that big government control freaks are not prepared to deal with.

Simplicity is actually the planning and control center for that operation. Its permanent residents are all freedom lovers eager to serve in that cause. All have lived out their previous lives in America. They had earned their reward here in Simplicity where they live on. However, they are all deceased back in America. They can never go back. They can, though, have a tremendous impact and influence on those who are abducted from America to their spirit world.

Thats where the abducted train visitors are actually shown that there really is a spirit world. They can actually meet their dead friends, relatives, and acquaintances. They learn that life really does go on. They also learn that America is forever doomedunless the new plan can be made to work. Thats when they get recruited. They are all promised that their next life will be lived in Simplicity as a reward for their efforts back home.

What greater proof and incentive could there ever be? Those residents of Simplicity have all passed their final exams and have been promoted to a higher level of existence. If you cant believe them, who can you believe? Now educated and informed, the train visitors return back home, with newfound courage and a tremendous desire to do the right thing. That is because seeing is believing. Those chosen ones had been granted a rare privilege. They actually enter into the spirit world while they are still living in this world.

There, they get a real shock: their proof of immortality! They actually meet the dead who had summoned them. That must be done in a very careful way, so as not to cause heart attacks or fainting spells. Before they are sent back, they are all given two special gifts, completely unattainable in their world. If they ever doubt the experience, those two items will convince them otherwise. One is a large medallion made of a strange material unknown on earth. It says, simply, I was there. The second mystery item is an unbreakable pocket mirror in a leather case. Removed from the case, the mirror emits an eerie glow. Printed below the mirror are the words, I cannot do everything, but I can do something. That which I can do, I ought to do. I will not fail.

Most importantly, the train visitors are recruited into the most secret of all organizations. Its purpose is to restore freedom to America by any means necessary. That is the real secret of Simplicity. Among them is a young man named Joe Quin. He has been tricked into going there, like all the others, but for a different purpose. Joe is a person of spec

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 20, 2010
• ISBN: 9781453595558

Dan Kassera

Now retired, Dan Kassera has been a railroad man, truck and bus driver, and security officer. He was also the founder of the Minnesota Right to Bear Arms Committee and was its state chairman for four years, making many radio and TV appearances. Jim McPherson has worked in advertising, public relations, and award-winning TV commercial and infomercial production for most of his career. He coauthored a jazz opera called “Chet, Monk and Miles: Jazz to the Third Power.”

Book preview

The Secret of Simplicity

A Simple Little River Town Is Threatened by a Demon Cloud’s Blood-Thirsty Armies

Dan Kassera

Jim McPherson Editor

Copyright © 2010 by Dan Kassera.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2010915154

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4535-9554-1

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4535-9553-4

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4535-9555-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Cover and Interior Illustrations by Todd Balthazor.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

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Contents

Cast of Characters

Preface

Chapter 1

The Beginning

Chapter 2

The Arrival

Chapter 3

Carla’s Café

Chapter 4

The Friendship

Chapter 5

Joe’s Dream Girl

Chapter 6

The Buzzing

Chapter 7

The Rescue

Chapter 8

The Sting

Chapter 9

The Affair

Chapter 10

The Townspeople

Chapter 11

The Close Encounters

Chapter 12

The Accident

Chapter 13

The Flea Market

Chapter 14

The Demon Cloud

Chapter 15

The Nightmare

Chapter 16

The Interference

Chapter 17

The Hiring

Chapter 18

The Disastrous Dinner

Chapter 19

The Bribe

Chapter 20

Caroline’s Big Mistake

Chapter 21

Senator Horn’s Adventure

Chapter 22

Wally’s Hideout

Chapter 23

Caroline’s Big Surprise

Chapter 24

Ghostly Encounters

Chapter 25

The Shaman Reveals the Curse

Chapter 26

Problems and Solutions

Chapter 27

Wally’s Resurrection

Chapter 28

The Invasion

Chapter 29

The Aftermath

Chapter 30

The Survivors

This book is dedicated to my big brother Max, the independent inspiration for Wally Walrus. He had some great ideas too, not all fit to print. It’s also dedicated to people everywhere who want to be free to be themselves.

Cast of Characters

Sheriff Bob Morgan—A former Texas hell-raiser and war hero, he’s still on both sides of the law. Generous and kind-hearted, he just wings it. That’s just right for Simplicity.

Carla Morgan—Cute, sexy, wild, and talented. Much to the embarrassment of her lawman father, she is also a lesbian. She will never be tamed—not even by good old dad.

Joe Quin—A fine young man, made out of the right stuff, but living in the wrong time and place. His life is a mess! Joe escapes from that in a river town called Simplicity.

Cathy Quin—Joe’s glamorous but high-maintenance, money-hungry wife, now having an affair with one of his law partners. She feels it’s time for Joe to go.

Caroline Costa—Pleasingly plump, cute, unspoiled, and very loveable. She’s just what Joe wants. She’s also a wacko and a klutz. Worse yet, she’s Carla Morgan’s lesbian lover.

Mayor Sam Cade—A fat, loveable, well-intended buffoon, Sam can’t stay awake long. He rarely does anything. At least, that way he’s harmless. That’s good enough for Simplicity.

Captain Boomer—A comical, old pirate with a checkered past and a big, old riverboat. He’s a wanted fugitive, and Simplicity is his last safe harbor.

Judge Bunker—A rascally old scoundrel. He owns a girls-only nudist colony and five stills. He carries a deck of marked cards and loaded dice and still gets into fist fights at seventy-three.

Dr. Ryan—Both a people and animal doctor, first-come, first-served. He invents imaginary illnesses and cures for hypochondriacs for real money. That’s OK. They all get a warm smile and a free sucker.

Mr. Hendricks—A mystery man. His past life and his current mission are both top secret. Simplicity is a very important part of his mission. If it fails, America will soon cease to exist.

The Rocket Sisters—Two crazy old bags who won’t act their age. They’re rumrunners, drag racers, pool hustlers, and, occasionally, even brawlers. Hell-raising is their game.

Wally Swagger—A.k.a. Wally Walrus. He’s a blubbery slob who looks like a Walrus. He’s a pilot, a phony preacher, rumrunner, smuggler, and a master con artist. Wally specializes in general trickery and random acts of kindness.

Willy Swagger—Created by Sheriff Morgan, Willy is Wally’s identical but evil twin brother. He takes the blame for many of Wally’s crooked deals. Willy doesn’t even exist, but he helps take the heat off Wally and his buddy, the sheriff.

Senator Frank Horn—A filthy-rich and powerful elitist, he has a high IQ—and even some good intentions—but no wisdom or common sense. He needs that and a big attitude adjustment.

Mrs. Snerdly—Extremely wealthy and powerful, she’s totally mean and corrupt—even a black widow.

Less Gill—Airport manager and all-around go-to guy. He’s heavily involved in everything.

Kim Gill—A very cute and precocious little girl, with an angelic face and a devilish nature.

Preface

Climb aboard The Secret of Simplicity, a redneck roller-coaster ride from this world to another, up and down as fortunes rise and fall. Escape from the mind-numbing, soul-searing insanity of liberalism to the town of Simplicity, the county seat of Freedom County. Here, there is no government conformity or political correctness. Here, a control freak would have the life expectancy of a fruit fly. Except for a few ongoing feuds and threats from the terrorists across the river, Simplicitans believe in Live and Let Live! or KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid!).

Dumb as they may be, at times, the citizens are free to cut their own deals with others. Some are very good at it. Others get screwed—especially some of the unsuspecting train visitors tricked into going there, like Senator Horn and Mrs. Snerdly. They, along with Joe and Kathy Quin and others, win a trip to go on a wild spending spree at what they are told is the Mall in Minnesota. There, however, they’re all conned and deceived, then whisked away to Simplicity. Unknown to them, they are gassed and abducted into a parallel universe, a time warp where their cell phones and wristwatches won’t work. They lose all track of time and accept whatever Simplicity has to offer.

There, Joe meets Sheriff Bob Morgan, who shows him around. They become good buddies. Joe’s bad news is that his wife, Cathy, is having an affair with one of his law partners, and Joe is about to be fired from the firm. The good news for Joe is meeting his dream girl, klutzy Caroline, a loose cannon. She has a million-dollar body and, some say, a ten-cent brain. Caroline and Sheriff Morgan’s gorgeous daughter Carla are inseparable best friends. Together, they bring out their most mischievous sides, often embarrassing Joe and Bob.

As the story unravels, Joe learns why he was shuffled off to Simplicity. The powerful and mysterious Mr. Hendricks has orchestrated Joe’s visit to evaluate him for a possible position as a go-between (that is, between Simplicity and the complex world he has just left). This can be an extremely rewarding but dangerous mission. Can Joe meet the challenge?

Ultimately, Joe and Bob meet the great Indian shaman, Maniconju, who tells of an ancient Indian curse on the land beneath the demon cloud across the river. It has become foul terrain, full of terrorists who threaten to destroy Simplicity. From start to finish, the Secret of Simplicity pits terror against freedom and happiness. It combines slapstick humor with mystery and adventure—all from a redneck dinosaur’s point of view, as told to a pointy-headed liberal editor. Enjoy your ride and discover the real Secret of Simplicity!

Chapter 1

The Beginning

The Brown and Slater law building is one of many such structures in Sacramento. It is unique only in one respect. It’s home to the most corrupt law firm in town. It runs on dishonesty, like a car runs on gas. A young lawyer can go far and profit a lot with such a firm. But there’s a catch. He must throw his conscience away and sell his soul to the devil. It’s much like being in the mafia or even worse—politics. It’s a den of thieves. They use words, technicalities, and the law itself to do their dirty deeds. One cannot have a conscience and still ride this gravy train.

One young apprentice attorney has just learned that. He is Joe Quin, age twenty-nine. Joe is leaving the main office where he has just received a terrible chewing out. It seems that Joe’s conscience and sense of fair play are getting in the way. He has been given his final notice. Now he is on very thin ice, and he fears it’s about to break.

On his way out, Joe stops to use the men’s room. He splashes water on his face as though trying to wash away his feelings of humiliation and rejection. Joe knows full well that today’s ass chewing is just a prelude to getting that dreaded pink slip. Then he will lose his mercenary, social-climbing wife as well. He hears a toilet flush. Somehow that sound is very appropriate. Soon it may well be his own messed-up life being flushed down the drain!

Looking in the mirror, Joe sees a man alone and afraid of life—and what it has in store for him. Still, Joe recognizes a ruggedly handsome man. After all, his wife Cathy used to adore his five-foot-eleven-inch, 207-pound, well-muscled body. She said he had wavy black hair like Tony Curtis and blue eyes like Paul Newman. Joe, though, notices more his slightly bent nose and scars around his eyes. His left eyebrow is sliced completely in half.

On him, however, Joe decides it somehow looks all right. It’s as though the scars belonged there. They do. Before becoming tamed and civilized, Joe had lived a hard and violent life. He was an ex-amateur boxer, turned pro, with three amateur championships to his credit. He had served a hitch in the U.S. Army Airborne. He had seen action in the Far East. Joe had a well-earned Silver Star and two Purple Hearts to show for it.

However, Joe is a nonconformist and a compulsive rule-breaker. He had not been suited for military life. He had been lucky to get out without being court-martialed. After his army discharge, Joe had gone back to work for his dad in the moving and hauling business. He liked it. He could have easily settled for that. But then his life took another odd turn.

The Quins had always been just good, old-fashioned working-class folks. They always had to struggle. That is, except for Uncle Albert. He was a moderately successful attorney with his own practice. Albert was always very fond of Joe. He thought young Joe could copy him and become a lawyer. The Quin family enthusiastically agreed. They all encouraged Joe to try it. Finally, Joe agreed, but somewhat reluctantly.

Joe’s elder brother, Jim, had been a top-notch, light heavyweight prizefighter. Jim was the real fighter in the family, not Joe. He was a boxer puncher who could do it all. He had even flirted with greatness. Jim could have gone all the way—except for two things: Serious eye cuts and broken hands did him in. Then he became a manager and trainer. He had taken Joe under his wing and trained him for the pro ranks. That had at least helped to pay for Joe’s law classes.

Joe never had Jim’s natural talent or desire to fight. He was, however, a good body puncher and infighter. He was also long on two-handed punching power. That had earned him fifteen victories out of eighteen pro fights. Now he’s a two-bit lawyer about to be fired.

Outside, Joe walks slowly toward his old, used Honda motorcycle parked in the street at a meter. The birds have used it for bombing practice, but that’s not all. The meter has expired. He also has a parking ticket. Damn! How much more could he take! Then when he gets about five miles from home, it starts to rain really hard, and Joe has forgotten his raincoat. Oh damn, Joe wonders. What the hell else could possibly go wrong in just one day?

Then when he arrives home, he finds out: Jehovah’s Witnesses are there again. They’re still trying to convert Joe’s wife, Cathy. There is no way to get rid of those idiots. Something snaps inside Joe. He thinks, By god, a man’s home is still his castle. Now he will defend it. Charging inside, Joe roars like a wounded lion. With Joe’s help, the pair leave—very quickly this time. The first one out actually bounces as he lands on the sidewalk. The second one doesn’t bounce, but he rolls good. Joe gives them each a hard kick in the ass to make sure they get the message.

Back inside, there is more trouble. Cathy screams at Joe, How dare you! That was a savage thing you did. And look, now we don’t have a screen door anymore.

Joe replies, That’s OK. It was worth it. Cathy won’t make Joe any supper, and he has to sleep on the couch. Oh well! At least he has the dog to sleep with, but it would be nice if Fang would stop scratching his damned fleas all night.

Joe goes to bed very worried and sexually frustrated. He feels he rightfully belongs in the bedroom with his gorgeous wife. But then he thinks, Yeah, sure. And who’s in bed with her? That damned old tomcat. What a bitch—losing out to a cat. He recalls how cuddly and affectionate Cathy had once been. Then she had gradually grown cool and distant. The cool had then gone to cold. Now, every time Joe touches her, he gets frostbite. He wonders, What if Cathy is having a secret affair? That’s an ugly thought, and it really scares him.

Finally, in desperation, Joe tries some positive thinking. He tells himself that he’s really not a bad catch. Cathy could have done a lot worse. She must realize that. Of course, she is not having an affair. He is just being paranoid. But then another ugly thought comes into his tortured mind. Hey, Joe, just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not really having an affair. Joe snaps, Damn it, Fang. Stop that scratching! Oh hell! It’s no use trying to sleep. He gets up to take Fang out for a walk.

The next day starts out bright and cheerful—outside, that is. Inside Joe and Cathy’s place, dark storm clouds are already gathering. Joe gets rudely awakened by his angry wife. She has her hair up in curlers and makeup mud all over her face. She’s really mad. Fang had invaded her bedroom and had chewed up her precious bunny slippers. Then he had left a big deposit on the bedroom carpet. Cathy had stepped in it just before finding her mangled slippers. It is—automatically—all Joe’s fault. So what, if she hadn’t closed her bedroom door properly. That is Joe’s fault, too. He catches hell for that before he’s even completely awake. He gets up to escape from his angry, screaming wife.

In the kitchen, things get even worse. The regular coffee can is empty. Joe has to gag down a cup of that instant crap. Then Cathy renews her relentless assaults. She demands that Joe buy her a new pair of bunny slippers—immediately. Joe thinks he should take her to the Army Surplus Store for a pair of combat boots. It would be more appropriate. He thinks, If this is marriage, who needs it?

Outside, they hear the mailman. As usual, the box is full of junk mail and bills. There is a campaign flier from their DFL Congressman. Joe snarls, Fuckin’ communist, as he rips it to pieces. Then he finds an ad for Viagra. Oh great! It’s just what he needs. Why couldn’t it be something for frigid wives, who won’t even let their husbands into the bedroom? As frustrated as he is, Joe wouldn’t mind getting a draft notice from the French Foreign Legion.

Then he finds a plain-marked envelope from the U.S. government. Joe is afraid to open it. Nothing good ever comes from those rotten bastards, Joe snarls. He tosses it aside, then sneaks out to have a restaurant breakfast. He needs some real coffee. He also wants to have breakfast without getting his ass chewed out. At least, the waitress won’t have her face all painted and her hair up in curlers. He wonders, What the hell ever happened to romance?

Later, after having a nice peaceful breakfast, Joe returns home. As he walks in, Cathy snarls at him, You went out for breakfast without me, didn’t you? You selfish bastard!

Joe counters, Well, I have to sleep without you, don’t I? What’s the difference?

Ohhhh, you poor neglected baby. Now open up that government envelope. It might be important. Joe refuses, and Cathy says, You’re afraid to touch it, aren’t you?

Yeah, Cathy, just like I’m afraid to touch you. Frostbite is a painful thing.

Cathy waves the envelope under his nose. Why won’t you open this?

Joe yells back, Why won’t you open your bedroom door for me? I’m human, Cathy. I need love and affection.

You will get that if you get successful—not before! Or maybe I expected too much from you. Maybe you had too many fights. It could be you’re too damn punch-drunk to ever succeed at anything. Joe turns and runs out the door—all the way to Kenny’s Bar. There, he drowns his sorrows. Then, very reluctantly, he goes home. He has nowhere else to go.

When Joe gets back, he finds Cathy has calmed down a bit—almost apologetic. She has opened the envelope, and she now wants Joe to look at it. Still feeling terribly hurt, Joe says, I’m just too punch-drunk to understand that stuff. He says he’s gonna go out on a street corner somewhere to sell some neckties or pencils. Maybe he could succeed at that. Cathy forces herself to apologize.

Then she shows Joe the envelope and its contents. It’s from a government agency called DOLTS. That’s short for Department of Liberal Training and Services. Cathy explains that they are being invited on a free trip to the Mall in Bloomington, Minnesota. Once there, they can each fill up a shopping cart with expensive treasures from any store they want. Even their hotel room will be free.

Kathy had called some of the numbers included in the information. They had all checked out. She had even called the airlines. Their first-class, round-trip tickets were there, waiting for them. What do you think, Joe?

Bullshit. It’s phony!

No, Joe, she says, this really seems legitimate. Here, read this.

Joe finally reads it and looks for the fine print. There is none. The document claims the whole thing is really paid for by the U.S. federal government. It’s kind of a goodwill trip meant to restore people’s faith in government. It is also a sort of a thank-you to those who are known to be really good Americans. It even mentions Joe’s war-hero status and his Silver Star combat medal. He wonders, How the hell did they know about that? My god! Could this thing actually be for real? If they knew about that medal, did they also know about how he had to take an early discharge to avoid a court-martial? Oh hell, there just has to be a catch to it, isn’t there? Joe starts making inquiries. He always did like to solve mysteries and put puzzles together. He was good at that. If only he could solve his own problems and figure out his own screwed-up life. No luck there at all!

Joe discovers their round-trip plane tickets are, indeed, there at the airport. Next, he calls the number given for the Mall. That checks out OK. They are expecting him and Cathy. Oddly enough, the trip is scheduled for the second day of his vacation. That really is a big coincidence. Or is it? Still suspicious, Joe investigates some more. He can’t find anything wrong. Besides, it is, after all, a U.S. government program. Joe reasons that those government idiots always specialize in wasting tax payers’ money. Maybe this is just the latest of those damned fool giveaway projects!

Cathy gets all excited. She can’t wait to go. Finally, Joe gives in and says, OK, let’s go! Cathy is so happy she decides to reward Joe. She tells him he can actually sleep in the bed with her that night. He just has to stay on his side of the bed—and no touching!

Joes says, Thanks, but no thanks! He will stay on the couch with Fang. At least he can pet the dog without getting bitten.

Right then Joe finally realizes he’s had it. If this is his life, it’s a wasted life. He has to escape from it soon—or go completely mad! All right, he will go along and let Cathy load up on free treasures. He’ll even get separate hotel rooms. Then, when they get back home, he will leave Cathy and that damned law firm. He can still go back to work for his dad on the moving truck. He can also work for his brother, training his stable of boxers. Hell! He’s no Perry Mason anyway. He should have realized that to begin with. He could still go back and just grow where he was planted. A man has got to know his limitations. The next week is a busy one, spent preparing for their trip. Cathy is obsessed with the free treasure-hunt part of it. That kind of bothers Joe. It seems just a bit on the greedy side to him.

Then the big day arrives, and they are at the airport. They stay outside, smoking, as long as possible. Then they reluctantly go in for that damned security check and all the other aggravations. They get they cigarette lighters confiscated. They also take Joe’s nail clippers. Joe demands to know how he can hijack an airliner with a nail clippers. The security supervisor says he has no idea. But rules are rules, Mr. Quin. They simply must be obeyed.

Joe replies, Mister, let me give you a hard, cold fact of life. Most rules are written by idiots to be enforced by idiots. Case in point, you treat good American citizens like shit because of your rules. You even search little old ladies in wheelchairs. But you let the terrorists walk right on by like privileged characters. You can’t bother them because that would be racial profiling. That’s exactly why 9/11 happened, and over three thousand people were killed. All because of political correctness and a rule book. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Joe speaks very loudly and forcefully. People listen. He gets a big, spontaneous round of applause. He hears comments like, Right on, fella. You got that right.

Then, as Joe and Cathy walk away, the security supervisor calls out to them, Hey, Mr. Quin, you’re absolutely right, and guess what? I just quit this lousy job. Then he throws his badge away and walks out the door.

Then Cathy really surprises Joe. She squeezes his arm and says, Joe, that was beautifully said, and it needed to be heard. I’m really proud of you!

Thanks, Cathy. Maybe I should run for office.

Finally, they are in the departure area, just waiting and having a nicotine fit. They would damned near kill for a cigarette. While waiting, they meet several other couples who are going on the same treasure trip as they are. At first, they all had the same doubts and suspicions. They had all been contacted in the same way. They had all checked and verified as best as they could. It seemed legitimate, but still too good to be true.

Then a strange man approaches. He asks, Who’s going on the free trip to the Mall? Twenty-six people are. The stranger introduces himself as Bill Swift. He is helping out with the trip. Now, he adds, who wants a smoke? Some of them do very badly. The man leads them nearby into a comfortable lounge area. It’s complete with drinks, sandwiches, and plenty of ashtrays.

Mr. Swift smiles and says, This is our private relief room. It’s just for you chosen ones. Help yourselves to anything you want. Oh, and don’t worry about those smoke detectors. They’ve been disconnected. And this free trip really is on the level. You have forty-five minutes before boarding time. I’ll come back for you.

Someone inquires, Hey, why were we chosen? Who’s paying for all this anyway?

Mr. Swift answers, You will all find that out in due time. I’ve gotta go, but I’ll be back. There are plenty of matches and even free lighters there. As they light up, they all feel like they have died and gone to heaven. They have many questions but no answers. They all wonder what’s really in store for them.

Soon it’s boarding time. Then they are off, headed into their strange adventure. Soon Joe falls asleep. But then he has another one of his crazy dreams. In it, the pilot comes out to say hello and reassure the passengers that they are all safe. My god, Joe says in his dream, it’s old George Burns. The pilot is wearing an old World War I leather helmet, a leather jacket, and a silk scarf. He also has on those extra thick Coke-bottle-type glasses. And naturally, he has his cane in his hand and that big cigar in his mouth.

Old George says, All is well, but does anyone have a map I can use? I just spilled my Martini all over my map when we hit that last air pocket.

No one has a map to loan him. George says, That’s OK. He guesses they should be nearing their destination roughly about the same time that his cigar burns out. He says not to worry about it. The cigar method was used back in the 1920s when he was an airmail pilot. Hell, it still might work! Next, he does a little soft-shoe routine while he twirls his cane around.

Then he goes back into the cockpit. Joe hears old George yell at his copilot, Hey, damn it, save some of that brandy for me.

Then Cathy has to wake Joe up—fast. He is yelling, No. No. Help! We’re gonna crash. Somebody let me out. That causes a panic among the nearby passengers. The stewardess comes running. Cathy explains that her husband is just having a bad dream. The stewardess gives them both a stern lecture. She tells Cathy she’d better keep Joe in line or else! Joe finally calms down, and all is well.

Then suddenly, way over on the other side of the plane, Joe spots an old friend of his named Jack. Completely forgetting where he is, Joe waves and yells, Hi, Jack. That causes another panic. The stewardess returns, and she is furious.

She gives Joe pure hell and says, Don’t you ever yell ‘Hi, Jack’ on an airliner. I don’t care if he is a friend of your’s. She tells Joe if he causes any more trouble, he will be arrested and jailed when they reach Minneapolis. Joe covers up his head with his pillow. He makes himself as small as he possibly can.

They arrive at the Lindberg Terminal, thankfully without any more embarrassments. The Quins remain seated, looking down, as the other passengers file past them. They hear comments directed at Joe, such as, Stupid jerk! Yeah, you almost gave gramma a heart attack. You oughta be ashamed of yourself, you dumb ass.

At last, as they leave, they hear the stewardess talking about Joe. Well, there goes that idiot. I sure hope we never see him again.

Finally, they have their luggage and arrive at the pickup area. They know roughly what to look for. It’s not there yet. Then, after awhile, there’s a big commotion. People point and yell, Hey, look at that. What the hell is it? Where did that come from? People gather around to look and wonder. It’s simply the strangest-looking vehicle they have ever seen. It looks like an old Buck Rogers spaceship combined with a World War II bomber. It also looks like the Oscar Meyer wiener-mobile. It has just one big, round headlight and one huge aircraft-type tail fin at the center rear. Concealed in the sides of the van are very stubby fold-out wings, reminiscent of an old World War II Wildcat Fighter.

The passenger windows are small and round, like a ship’s portals. On the roof there is something even stranger. It looks like an old vintage ramjet engine. The bus is all silver, trimmed with yellow stripes and lightning bolts. A big sign up front says, The Chosen Ones. The whole thing is like the product of a drug-induced hallucination. It comes and goes, only on rare occasions. It’s a mystery that just never gets solved.

Suddenly, the door opens. A tall, stern-looking man gets out. He holds up another sign which says, The Chosen Ones. As people board, they are even more amazed at what they see inside. It resembles an old 1940s vintage airliner. It even has a separate, sealed-off cockpit with aircraft-type controls.

Now the bus is loaded and on its way to the Mall. Once outside, they are lost in a thick fog. Visibility is almost zero. Yet they see no headlights on the road. Also they can’t feel the road or hear the usual traffic noises. The passengers all feel a sort of floating, then a climbing sensation. It’s weird and spooky.

This time, Joe doesn’t have to yell Hi, Jack for fear to set in. It does, with no help from him. The driver expertly reassures his alarmed passengers. Using the intercom, he explains that the bus has special vision equipment and even radar. He says, The floating sensation is the result of a new type of suspension system. It’s a radical new invention called air light suspension. You are supposed to feel like you’re actually flying.

They all agree it sure feels that way. Another thing is that all their watches and cell phones have quit working. The passengers naturally ask why is that so. The driver again turns on his intercom. He explains that’s because of hemorodic atmospheric conditions, common to the Minnesota Triangle area. The driver says, Of course, you people are all well educated and intelligent. You will naturally understand what that means and not worry about it.

The driver grins as he hears comments like, Oh yes, of course! That must have just slipped my mind. Sure, we know all about that.

The driver smiles and congratulates himself. He is really a very good liar, and that is a real talent. He thinks to himself, If you can get good enough, you could be the president some day. Then he checks his instruments and starts his approach to the Mall. The passengers all have the sensation of losing altitude. They realize, of course, that that’s impossible. It’s just their overactive imaginations at work. All the passengers wonder why it’s taken so long just to get to the Mall. The time element seems all wrong. Little do they realize the operator has released sleeping gas into the van. They have actually been taken on a much longer trip than they realized.

Then there is a sudden jolt and a squeal, like aircraft tires make when they connect with the runway. Finally, they stop, and the driver lets everyone out. Joe and Cathy turn away from the bus as they try to see the famous Mall. The fog is so thick they can only see the front entrance. Joe turns back to tip the driver, but he isn’t there. Neither is the bus. It has just vanished! How can that be? There are no big crowds of people there, like they had anticipated. There are just a few people moving through the fog like lonely ghosts. There seems to be something very odd about the place.

Inside the Mall, they discover that Mr. Swift is still with them. He has everyone sign in. Each is assigned a huge shopping cart, complete with a lid that locks. They are told that they all have four hours to shop. Everything must go into the carts and no cheating. There are plenty of smoking areas. After four hours, Mr. Swift says, you must all assemble here on time. Your treasure carts will be stored safely in the treasure trove room. Then you will all take a mandatory trip on the light-rail train. Your luggage will already be on board. When you get back here, you get your treasures. Now good luck and good hunting!

Joe and Cathy split up for the shopping. It seems strange to Joe that there are so few people there and no children at all. Also the thick fog had prevented him from actually seeing the Mall from the outside. He just can’t get a fix on its real size. Neither can anyone else. Then he notices another thing. The Mall employees seem kind of subdued and mechanical in their demeanor. A few of them closely resemble famous criminals who he had seen on TV or in the newspapers. That’s odd. Joe reminds himself that he is an odd guy. He has crazy dreams and a wild imagination. It must just be that. What Joe doesn’t notice is that he’s being followed by a strange man. It’s a man Joe has never met. The man already knows quite a lot about Joe. He wants to know more.

Completely unaware of the spy, Joe goes about his shopping. Mostly, he loads up on gifts for others. Soon there isn’t much space left in the cart for him. Oh hell, what he really wants most he can’t have. He wants Cathy to become loving and affectionate, like she was at first. Without that, his life would just be frustrating and lonely, with or without the treasures.

The time comes for Joe and the other shoppers to meet. Mr. Swift locks up their treasures. Then he escorts them to the light-rail boarding area. Soon their train emerges from the Mall. Then it disappears into the same heavy fog. The passengers all wonder why they’re going on a sightseeing trip when they can’t see anything. Actually, this is no sightseeing trip. This trip has a purpose far more serious than that. The passengers aren’t supposed to see anything. Not yet anyway. And they don’t know something else.

When they had boarded that strange bus back at the airport, their fates were already sealed. The free shopping spree was just the bait used to hook them. Now they are headed for a very strange place. It’s a place unlike anything in their world. Only those chosen few who ride this train can ever go there. They can only go there just once. And they can never prove they were there. One thing is for sure, their lives will be forever changed.

Soon the passengers hear old-time music. They hear the deep throaty voice of Vaughn Monroe. He is singing Ghost Riders in the Sky. As they listen, the passengers get very sleepy. They all drift off into a deep