The Shaggy Dog & Other Stories

By John Pascal

Here is John Pascal once again, with a new book of entertaining fictiona collection of sixteen Shaggy Dog stories and four more traditional tales, one a novelette. Saki (H.H. Munro) and O. Henry (William Sidney Porter) wrote short stories with surprise endings, but mainly satirical, not comedic. As Pascal tells us in his Preface to them: All Shaggy Dog tales are comedies, high or low, depending upon their subject matter and the writers art. Briefly, getting to the conclusion of a good Shaggy Dog story can be well worth the wait; and in a truly great one there can be a lot of fun along the way. And he would agree that since traditionally these anecdotes have been related orally (at a Club, bar, or other private or limited venues), they have not been given the attention they deserve nor the entertainment they would provide to a larger audience.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 31, 2017
• ISBN: 9781546200215

John Pascal

Following twenty years as a U.S. Army officer Pascal R. Politano lectured in English and political science at the university level, intermittently over a period of eight years, in both Germany and Italy. He has traveled widely in Europe and Africa as well as in South and Central America and in the Far East. He has published two books of poetry, The Man in the Moon and Other Poems and Painting the Lily and Other Poems, as well as several novels, several collections of short stories, a book of memoirs, and one of essays, using the pen names John Pascal and Atticus Grammaticus. Currently, he is working on compiling a nonfictional book of socio-political essays entitled A Sharp Seasoning of Truth. He lives in semi-seclusion in Upstate New York.

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This is a work of fiction. For the sake of verisimilitude some of the scenes in the book have been laid in real places. With the exception of some personalities who once actually existed but now are deceased and whose names are in the public domain, all the characters introduced are wholly imaginary, and if the name of any living person has been used, this has been done inadvertently and no reference to such person is intended.

© 2017 John Pascal. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/27/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0022-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-0021-5 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedication

For my grandson, Ryan Ricci, who likes Shaggy Dog stories.

Acknowledgements

Without the encouragement and assistance of Cynthia Politano production of this book would not have been possible, and also I wish to express my gratitude to Jared Johnson whose assistance was invaluable.

Contents

Part One – THE SHAGGY DOG

Preface

The Secret Of Life

The Set Up

A Call to Sergeant Mosley

A Town in Arizona

The Barrel

Dame d’ Voyage

Der Grauensäbel

Popious

Muldoon

The Apian Way

Wilson and the Dixie Demons;

A Tale of Mice and Men

The Mural

The Soviet Dentist

The Aviatrix

The Long March

Speedy Gonzales

PART TWO – OTHER STORIES

They Were Having a Ball

Samoa Redivivus

The Idyll of the Girl in the Brown Leather Skirt

The Sunshine Cruise

Part One

The Shaggy Dog

Preface

As I have written elsewhere, under a different name,¹ most of us have been subjected to the shaggy dog story, whose name derives, purportedly, from the first such story, which dealt with just such a canine. One definition of this humorous genre, if we can so classify it is: A long drawn-out circumstantial story whose humor lies in the pointlessness or irrelevance of the conclusion. At some time or another we have been bemused, or bored, perhaps to some extent amused, and finally chagrined or even annoyed by a long, often tedious or tiresome story with an insane and often meaningless ending. The long seemingly endless build-up usually makes the dénouement all the more disappointing. Some shaggy dog stories are better than others, some even might be considered classics of their kind, and this often depends upon the narrator: his art in telling the story, the dramatic quality of his presentation. The success of the story lies in holding the listener’s attention as long as possible, building suspense that is almost unbearable, mainly by the use of digression, allusion to other matters, even to other stories. The ending or punch line is either absurd or an incomplete and totally unsatisfactory resolution, a shattering anti-climax to the question or the mystery that is produced in the audience’s mind. If there is enough incisive wit or humor in that final line the story can leave the audience frustrated but nonetheless amused. And the story can be entertaining and even informative—not least in its historical information—in its entirety if it was told well and if its ending is more amusing than annoying.

Of crucial importance is the dramatic ability of the storyteller. The effective dramatizing of various speakers in the story can be entertaining in itself and helps greatly in maintaining audience attention. Questions can be asked of the audience and even limited dialogue carried on to produce (build?) more interest and suspense.

Conceivably, the story could be staged as a short play (in one or more acts, depending on unity of time and place). An encapsulated treatment of a dramatized shaggy dog story might consist of the first two examples, which precede the more traditional narrative versions that follow. The possibility of embellishment, in the way of traditional dialogue and characters, should be obvious. Saki (H.H. Munro) and O. Henry (William Sidney Porter) wrote short stories with surprise endings which though sometimes satirical, were not comedic. All shaggy dog tales are comedies, high or low, depending upon their subject matter and the writer’s art. Briefly, getting to the conclusion of a good shaggy dog story can be well worth the wait; and in a truly great one there can be a lot of fun along the way. The first two examples of the genre are cast as playettes.

The Secret Of Life

Act One

Split scene: a college campus and student hang out bar, coffee house, etc. JOHN, a student, is in earnest conversation with OTHER STUDENTS. He is seeking the ultimate, philosophical truth, what he refers to as the secret of life. He solicits anyone who will speak to him; the responses he gets range from apathy to annoyance.

Act Two

A fashionable bar in Downtown New York. John, older now and a successful businessman (or lawyer, doctor or whatever) still is seeking the secret of life. Enter CHARLEY, an old friend who has just returned from travels in the East and who tells John about a Tibetan lama who, he claims, knows the answer but who is 127 years old and near death. Hearing this John races to the phone, calls his office and quits his job, then calls his wife who, when she hears he’s leaving for Tibet, becomes even more enraged over what she calls his stupid obsession and hangs up; John calls airlines, and heads for bank to clear out his savings.

Act Three

Split scene: a snow-swept mountainside in Tibet and interior of stone hurt with wizened, superannuated LAMA lying on and under fur rugs. John, half frozen on slope, is found by TWO SHERPA TRIBESMEN who, hearing his feeble pleas, half-drag, half-carry him into hut and near to pallet where Lama lies breathing his last.

John

(In a horse whisper) Father! It has been difficult, but at last I’ve reached you!

Lama

(In a weak, croaking voice) Yes. That is good, my son.

John

(Reanimated) Oh! Oh, at last! Tell me, O tell me the secret of life, O Venerable Father!

Lama

(Smiling benignly, beneficently, but weakly) The secret of life, my son? The secret of life is a river, a river that never ends….

John

(Nearly bursting with fulfillment) Yes? Yes! Go on! A river, which never ends…?

Lama

(Wistfully, now seemingly almost entranced) A river with no end…

John

(After some hesitation his expression changes from one of wild anticipation to confusion, then to irritation, annoyance) What? Is that all? A river with no end?

Lama

(Whimsically, lyrically, almost musically) A never-ending stream…

John

(Now almost hysterical and growing enraged) Now, wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? I’ve come halfway around the world. My hands and feet (feels his nose with back of hand) and my nose are frostbitten. I gave up my job and my friends and I lost my wife and family. I spent all my savings getting to Tibet to find you, you rotten old son of a bitch, and you’re telling me that the secret of life is a lousy goddam river that never ends?

Lama

(With a puzzled expression while looking alternately at his attendants and at John) You mean, it isn’t? (Dies).

Curtain

**********************

If we were to create a new genre of comedy we should examine the basic structure of comedy itself, and the best source with which to do so, in my opinion, is Maurice Charney who, in the relevant passage of his book Comedy High and Low offers three general characteristics of comedy, viz., that Comedies usually begin with a startling pronouncement or an outrageous situation… comic action is developed by repetition, accumulation, and snowballing… and that they …are expected to end happily, with feasting, dancing, drinking, revelry, and the promise of offspring. He adds a forth when he goes on to say that …comedies typically end in marriage. Although our new type of comedy may not be typified by the third or fourth characteristic, the first and second seem to fit rather well. In treating language and rhetoric in comedy, Charney states that Comic aimlessness and stupidity create the illusion of naïve, unconscious humor. Although a good shaggy dog story can certainly (and often does) seem aimless and stupid it nevertheless is humorous and can be very entertaining, and if it were staged with imagination and wit to take advantage of all its dramatic possibilities we could have at least the beginning of a new comic form.

Realizing that such a dramatic form, with all its invented convolutions, hindrances, and obstacles, cannot sustain itself as long as more conventional forms of comic drama, a place must be found for a work with such dramatic brevity. Perhaps, so as not to labor the wandering circumstances and involutions which are indulged in such a comic work, the canine comedy could serve as an after piece such as that which gave burlesque much of its impetus at the end of the eighteenth century, or as a precursor to a longer work which has essentially the same comic subject. In either case the canine comedy could serve to either prep the audience for what is to come or to provide a parting comment on what has already taken place. The precursor, if not presented as a capsule drama or skit, could be narrated by one or more of the players in the main work or by a prologue similar to those used by Plautus or Aristophanes. Now, try to imagine a dramatization of the following one-act playette to warm up an audience attending a presentation of the Broadway hit and subsequent Oscar-winning film, Harvey.

************************

The Set Up

A Playette in One Act

A typical, old, run down, neighborhood bar in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn. LARRY, the bartender-owner, is wiping glasses. TWO MEN, the only patrons, are seated on barstools; one proffers his hand to the other.

First Man

Jimmy Doyle. What’s yours?

Second Man

Ed. Ed Battaglia.

Jim

You from around here?

Ed

Nah, the Bronx. I came out to see my cousin, but the bum went out to Jersey to see the Giants. (downs his drink) Maybe I screwed up and got the wrong day.

Jim

(Jim, cont.)

(chuckles) You got the same kinda luck I got. You wanna another drink? (signals to Larry) Hey, Larry! Give my pal a drink (turns back to Ed) Larry’s the worst goddam bartender in Brooklyn, but he pops for a lotta freebees, so it’s okay. He tells a lot of funny stories too.

Ed

(Taking new drink from Larry) Hiya, Larry. (raises glass toward Jim) Thanks, Jimmy.

Jim

Yeah, sure. You go to New York a lot?

Ed

New York?

Jim

Yeah, you know, Broadway an’ like that.

Ed

Why do you guys talk about New York like it’s a separate city?

Jim

Ain’t it?

Ed

I mean, we say we’re goin’ downtown.

Jim

Yeah, well, if we went downtown we’d be up to our ass in the ocean. Anyway, we had our own ball club.

Ed

Yeah, had.

Jim

(Gazing fondly at pictures of old Dodger players on wall) Good ol’ friggin’ Ebbett’s Field… (turns to Ed) So what’re you gonna do now?

Ed

(picks up his drink) Well, I’m gonna finish this drink, buy you one, an’ then get my tired ass back up to the good ol’ Gran’ Cohencourse.

Jim

You live around Fordham?

Ed

Yeah, above the Belgian Congo; on the edge of Palestine West.

Larry

(Chuckling and muttering to himself in a stage whisper) Christ! That’s not only politically incorrect; it’s screwed up historically and geographically.

Jim

(Ignores Larry’s comment) Jesus—a meatball livin’ in the middle of a bunch of matzoh balls! When I was a kid I thought I oughta change my name to Doylestein. Now I’m thinkin’ of puttin’ on blackface!.

Ed

Tell me about it.

Jim

(Sipping his drink, looking at Larry, and after two beats, inconsequently) Ever go around 43rd Street?

Ed

(Looking up) Those Irish saloons, ya mean?

Jim

Yeah (another beat) Hey, Larry! You used to run a saloon over in New York, right?

Larry

(Approaching) Yeah, twenty years, maybe. But I hadda get out. Too many freaks. They were drivin’ me nuts.

Jim

(Glancing knowingly at Ed) Like what, for example?

Larry

Like the guy wit’ the St. Bernard,

Jim

That’s one o’ them great big dogs that carries booze to guys that faint in the snow, ain’ it?

Larry

Yeah; about two hunnert pounds an’ all covered with shaggy fur.

Jim

So what happened?

Larry

Well, one day this guy walks in—good lookin’ guy ya know, the Cary Grant type: shiny loafers, tweed jacket wit’ these big patch pockets an’ leather elbows. Nice polite guy. Well, he’s got this huge friggin’ dog with him, no leash or nothin’, an’ they stroll in like two pals, about three in the afternoon; you know, before the bullshit artists from Madison Avenue take over.

Jim

(Raises his empty glass as he interrupts) Gives us another drink, Larry.

Ed

Let me get this one, Jimmy.

Larry

Nah. I’m tellin’ the story, so this round’s on me (pours Jim, Ed, and himself a drink) Anyway, I’m wipin’ glasses like I always do durin’ slack time, but I’m watchin’ these two come in kinda outta the corner of my eye an’ I’ m thinkin’: Well, there’s a law about dogs, but then, who the hell cares about the law in New York, so okay, I don’t say nothing,. (a beat) Now, listen to this! The guy gets up to the bar an’ rests his elbows on it, you know, natural like, an’ that’s when the goddam dog rears up an’ puts his paws on the bar next to the guy-Christ! his head was higher’n mine, and about twice as big—an’ the guy turns an’ smiles at the dog an’ starts talkin’ to him real quiet. Once in a while he nods his head—the guy, I mean—he nods his head like he’s havin’ a real conversation wit’ this fleabag….

Ed

(Rising and rolling his eyes at Jim) I don’t wanna screw up your story, Larry, but I gotta take a whiz. I swear, I’ll be right back (exits).

Larry

(Smiles at Jim) I don’t think he believes me, Jimbo.

Jim

Bullshit.

Larry

That’s what I mean.

Ed

(Off stage) I’m back (enters adjusting his fly)

Larry

I know what yer thinkin, Ed, but I’m tellin’ ya, its true.

Ed

(Back on his stool, lights a cigarette) Yeah, yeah, I believe it. Go ahead. I’m dyin’ ta hear how this turns out (grins at Jim).

Larry

(Obviously a little miffed but composing himself) Yeah, well, okay. Where the hell was I?

Jim

The guy was talkin’ to his Great Dane.

Ed

St. Bernard.

Larry

Right. Well, Christ, I’m thinkin’, I’ve seen these screwballs come in with all kinds of gimmicks, but nothin’ like this. You know, once a guy showed up every day for a week with a small carrot stuck behind his ear, like a pencil, ya know? I didn’t say nothin’ that time either ‘cause I know it’s a