Still Lifeless

By Russa Jari

Accustomed to isolation, reckless teenager Cade Caybul copes with misery through self-destruction. But when tragedy strikes, he must adapt to being in a new house with the Heltons, a family of five who have problems of their own and a drunken teenager isn't helping anything. Living amid new standards of life

• Language: English
• Publisher: Skyline Lost
• Release date: May 14, 2021
• ISBN: 9781736366608

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Notice

Dedication

Chapter One

2: Lifeswitch

3: Guarding of the Rain

4: Only Fire

5: Killers

6: Prey

7: No Luck with Frogs

8: Blue Ghosts

9: Tire Rotation

10: Without Eyes

11: Hey, Tiger, Wake Up

12: Love Blood

13: The Parking Lot According to Sammie

14: Magnum Proportions

15: Life had Begun

16: Team

17: Effigy

18: Death of the Sun

19: Apologies

20: Still Lifeless

Still Lifeless

Copyright © 2021

Russa Jari

This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any similarity to actual events, businesses, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved.

Interior design and formatting by:

www.emtippettsbookdesigns.com

⁣

cover painting by stacy a. e. smith

THE KEY in the corner hadn’t always been lost. Three trips around the interior of the house, checking the usual crevices over and again, turned up nothing. The man of the house offered no help and Cade had started to worry as his ride would be there any moment. But the place he hadn’t looked was where the key was hiding.

He had peered into the master bedroom and even approached his sleeping mother where he desired to curl beside and hold her. Instead, he stood and calmed, watching her breathe silently. He pondered waking her and telling her how much he cared. He wanted to express his sorrow for avoiding communication as the world had been turning fast in tune with family dissonance.

This night, L had him visualizing his maternal ascendant childlike and, as she had put it last he heard her voice, weak. She lay before him, grey from the light upon her face shining out of the television as a dash of moonlight struggled to come in from behind still drapery. He wouldn’t wake her, not in this moment of healing. The sound and flicker of a mundane commercial emitted behind him. Malnourished tree bark developed into her skin while his mind played a little with that deception. Then the vision before his eyes became his reflection. Team, Cadey.

Talk was cheap, especially in the Caybul house, and no one had been selling for a while. Looking over the nightstand, his sight took hold of a book of matches next to the phone and the ashtray. There was a lighter too which he pocketed as he turned and headed back toward the hallway while the floor creaked beneath his steps that echoed in the barren living room below. A nearly peaceful heartbeat triggered remembrance of where the lost house key waited for him and he grabbed it on the way down.

No promises were left to be made while Cade felt the presence of his trusted friend waiting patiently in the driveway.

In this life, there is an overflow of semiconscious belief that the only wrong answer is no.

Everyone at the party several miles across the border of Eggertsville, New York had a reason to indulge. The treacherous moniker safest town in the United States wasn’t appealing to those of juvenescence seeking to escape its unseen walls. Word of a gathering outside the suburb and well within the confines of the City of Neighbors offered an opportunity to get drunk without the potential intrusion of police. The safe suburbs were dangerous in this sense. Even teenagers who weren’t out to vandalize or hurt anyone were still under a microscope in their striving to find a safe place to party.

The transformation of Main Street from wider, cleaner Eggertsville to the more narrow, colorful, compacted Buffalo, University Heights brought a realm of consolation to humans too young to drink. Despite the crime on the other side, it was just far enough from home and offered a world of difference.

They set out for Lisbon Avenue to the party that they heard would be there. It was common to whimsically drive to that area of Main Street but tonight would be an act of premeditation as word had gotten around.

This looks like the spot, said Jake as he drove past the house on the other side of the median. He whipped his car around in order to be directly in front. Jake liked to be seen. It was just after 11 pm and everyone in the car, including him, was already drunk and on LSD.

Jake looked in his rearview mirror and arranged his Figaro chain so the clasp lay properly on the back of his neck. Kelly and Berk exited their respective doors from the rear of the car, taking their last swigs of forties before tossing them on the lawn by the curb. It was Halloween weekend and no one emerging from the vehicle was wearing a costume. The four boys approached the front door of the house. Upon entering, the music and chatter coming from the basement resonated with the foursome, but they stayed on ground level, bypassing the dark blue light below. Synchronized, the hallucinatory effect increased.

Hey, what’s up? Jake said to someone. Can we pay somebody to get down on the keg?

I don’t know, I’m just hittin’ this Jack, the stranger said as he raised his bottle. The three, following Jake’s lead, continued through the living room.

Hey, what’s up? said Jake to another male human who was older and dressed like a Care Bear. You know who we should pay to get down on the keg?

There’s no keg, bro! he shouted over the noise.

Well, shit, said Jake.

Jungle juice! said the Care Bear. Five bucks. All four newcomers apprehensively paid as none were expecting the second person they encountered at the party to be in charge. And nobody knew what jungle juice was. The Care Bear pointed to the kitchen with a sympathetic grin.

Hi, boys, love your costumes! said a lady football player with painted stripes under her eyes and a lingerie bottom. Cups are over there!

Jake grabbed four and handed them to his friends who were still confused. They looked about the kitchen, discovering a large plastic tub with four rope handles atop a table, then cautiously approached and looked in. The liquid inside reflected the dark blue color of the tub, making it almost black.

Do we just…? said Jake.

Here! the football lady said and handed them a big metal ladle. Although some people are just scooping their cups in there. You guys paid Justin?

Uh, we paid the Care Bear, said Kelly, stirring the batch.

What is this? said Berk.

It’s jungle juice! said two more lady football players, entering the kitchen. Their smiles went unanswered by the boys, still regaining comfort upon the intense change of environment.

What’s in it? said Jake.

Rum, gin, tequila, um...vodka… said one of the girls.

Is there voka?! said another.

Yes, Becca, there is vodka in the jungle juice! said another. And there’s a D in vodka!

And whiskey, I think, continued the first girl. And a shit load of juice and pieces of fruit. It’s sooo good! Did you pay Justin?

The Care Bear, said Jake.

What? she said.

The Care Bear is Justin? said Jake.

The carnivore is Justin?! she said. No. Justin is dressed as a colorful Bear.

Yeah, said Jake. The Care Bear.

Right. Pay him and you can have jungle juice!

Except Justin doesn’t care about anyone, said the girl who hadn’t spoken yet. She had the calmest voice of the three football ladies. And she was the tallest of the three by half a foot and the only one who wasn’t smiling. Berk and Kelly had filled, taken sips, and were deciding if they liked it.

Whoa! said Jake. This is delicious!

IT’S JUNGLE JUICE! said the two short girls simultaneously.

Cade, try this shit, bro! said Jake.

Yeah, Cade, try that shit, said the tall girl, copycatting. Jake scooped his friend a cupful.

"God damn, said Cade. It doesn’t taste like anything. There’s liquor in here?!"

Yeah, like, every liquor there is, she said. I’m Jane. You must be Cade. That short for Cadence or what?

Um, yeah, Cade, he said. It was clear that she was having the least amount of fun of anyone nearby. And she kept looking at her cup, scanning for unwanted debris.

Is it clean? said Cade.

"Is what clean?" said Jane.

The cup.

"Is the cup clean?"

Yeah, you keep—

I don’t know, said Jane. Probably not. Cade went to fill his again. Wow! she continued. Are you done with your first already?!

Yeah, said Cade.

Dude, be careful, said Jane. That shit is creeper.

Word? said Cade.

"Yeah, word, said Jane. There’s like twenty bottles of liquor in there."

Twenty?! said Cade. Like, full ones?

Yes! she smiled, watching as Cade nervously became acquainted with his second beverage.

Jane had long dark hair, tan skin, and dark eyes with dark eyeliner, making her sclerae appear extra white in the dark room with its orange and white lights strewn about the ceiling. She continued to stare, waiting for him to say or do something while he, with his chin close to his chest, fixed his gaze downward as the pattern on the tiled floor took control of his mind. Her intrusive eyes drank him in while her anxiety diminished, making way for intrigue. Cade’s three friends noticed all of this though he remained unconscious of her interest.

Keg is here! said a male voice from the other room.

"Ugh, I don’t even like beer," said Jane. Her words were steamrolled by an entourage of raucous newcomers. A clown and Duff Man were dragging a keg into the dining room as a cocky Hunter S. Thompson entered the kitchen swiftly.

’Sup, football ladies, he said. Or football sluts is more like it.

Jesus Christ, said Jane to the direction of Cade.

Gentleman. I bid you hello on this finest of nights. And I welcome you to the party.

Thanks, said Jake.

Five bucks for the keg and the juice, said Hunter.

They already paid, Brett, said Jane.

From the living space came the sound of glass shattering and shouting. People gravitated into the room to see what was happening. It was a fight. BLOCK THE WINDOW! BLOCK THE WINDOW! shouted a male voice. A big guy without a costume made himself a cushion between the fight and the vulnerable window in the corner of the room to keep it from shattering. No one was attempting to stop the ruckus as someone shouted to turn the music down.

Everybody watched while the two pounded on each other—one dressed as a cop, the other dressed as a ballerina. He had been wearing an afro wig but that was nowhere to be seen, just a pink tutu, white tights, and a stocking cap to conceal his true shaggy hair. People gathered, smoking cigarettes and drinking from red cups. One man brought a full drink casually to his friend who had run empty. The women in the room had quit yelling for them to stop and spectated like it was a performance. Some had their heads tilted to one side but peered at the brawl through squinty eyes and the gaps between their fingers as their hands ambivalently covered their faces.

The cop’s Maglite fell to the ground with an unexpectedly loud thud which made some wonder whether or not the gun was fake. The ballerina was more physically fit and had gained control by straddling the waist of the cop and grabbing his shirt for leverage. He cocked his right hand back and got in a few blows to the head. Girls screamed, triggering more of an effect than the actual fighting. Four men ran over to stop it.

As the more victimized of the two grimaced, reeling from his disposition, and the ballerina was pulled off, the cop rolled over casually as if changing a sleep position from supine to side. Then those who had pulled the ballerina off and up to his feet let go. The ballerina walked, uninhibited, to the cop on the ground and hit him on the side of his head.

JAMES, JESUS! THAT’S FUCKED UP! a man shouted.

The cop got up surprisingly quickly and headed off to the porch as some stayed in between the two, coaxing James the ballerina to chill.

Cade, like his friends and most at the party, remained a neutral onlooker but had wondered how the cop was not crying. His audacity both impressed and intimidated Cade, more so than the impression left from the fight’s victor. And his breath became more hurried, a characteristic he didn’t notice taking over. He wondered how the two fighters would remain under the same roof after what had just happened.

The girls sought consolation from each other. The ballerina grinned as his friend turned the music up. Someone brought a drink out to the cop on the porch and the party began to regain its natural essence.

I hate fights, Jane said.

Yeah. He barely stopped himself from adding me too.

WHOA HO HO HOAA! shouted Berk, making everyone smile and chuckle.

I didn’t think I’d see a beef this early, said Kelly, adjusting his waistline. Their eyes found assurance and safety in each other and it was unanimous: they were safe now.

This jungle juice is fantastic, said Jake after they moved back into the kitchen.

Yeah, I never thought I’d be ignoring a keg of beer ever in my life, said Berk.

Some people from their neighborhood funneled in and everyone was happy to see each other. And although no one at the party posed any particular threat to the four, they felt stronger among their friends.

After camaraderie and hugging, Larry, one of the newcomers, asked if they wanted to smoke opium which had recently become common in the Amherst suburb. Nearly everyone had their hands on it at one time or another of late, either from buying or being friends with someone who had bought. However, it was not opium, but rather incense mixed with glue and sold as opium.

They mixed the opium with weed and rolled it in a green Antonio y Cleopatra cigar after gutting and removing the tobacco and dumping it in the big outdoor trash can in the kitchen.

Should we just puff here? said Larry.

I would feel more comfortable near the jungle juice, said Jake.

I think it would be better for all of us, both as a group and as individuals, to be close to the jungle juice, said Berk.

What is that? said Larry. He was now the largest of the group and biracial. Both qualities were calming for all the boys who felt stronger near him.

Jungle juice, they all said except for Cade whose eyes had rediscovered the hypnotic floor.

Did you pay the Care Bear? said Jake.

I paid somebody, said Larry. I’m not sure if he was a Care Bear.

They puffed the cigar which burned slowly. Larry turned the stog around with his thumb and forefinger and made eye contact with Cade who accepted the task with a raise of his brows. Larry made the fiery tip as small as he could by blowing grey ash off. Then he bit down gently on the leaf paper with the hot ember in his mouth, sealing off any entering air with his lips as Cade moved his face to Larry’s where smoke shot out of the end of the cigar into his mouth and lungs. Larry pulled it out of his mouth, careening from heat as Cade exhaled and choked.

His eyes watered. The women in the room watched.

What’s the matter? said Larry. You’ve never seen two men kiss before?

The Care Bear came in. Smoke it downstairs, please, boys.

Damn, you can barely see in here, said Jane, moving about the plume with her hand.

They made their way, the five of them, through the party, their steps almost in unison. Larry, holding the cigar, slapped people’s hands and smiled, disguising his trepidation best.

Descending the stairs, the music became louder. The light darkened and transformed to purple and blue. The basement was huge and open and there were tons more people here.

They drifted toward the light, music, and people. A song was ending. A new one began. There were nearly fifty humans who all began to dance. The boys stopped when Larry did. Confused, his eyes moved swiftly from left to right and back again. He herded his friends toward a placid corner, hit the cigar once, and passed it to Jake.

The movement of the mass of people was captivating for the four boys on acid. It was a colossal uniform of movement and joy. They corralled each other, forming a circle, and smoked the blunt together. Cade took a sip of his juice. He had planned improperly. The cup was almost empty. Jake started moving a little to the rhythm of the music.

You want a gun, Kelly? he said.

Yeah, don’t kiss me, Kelly said.

There’s no guarantees, hot stuff, Jake said as he moved the cherry in between his teeth and bit down.

Cause if you touch your lips to mine then I’m gonna—

ALL RIGHT! JESUS! LET’S GO! Jake said just after expelling the hot cigar from his mouth to his palm where he picked it up safely. We gonna do this thing or we gonna have a conversation about your suppressed gayness?! Unaware to what extent he was being insulted, Kelly puckered up. Cade looked at Jake who was preoccupied and then at Larry.

I’m empty, he said.

Better go re-up, said Larry.

Oh, yeah, said Cade who headed upstairs.

Yo, Cade! Jake said. Bring me one. With the sound of Kelly’s coughing turning to laughter, Cade wondered how much of it was directed to him.

Upstairs, the new environment hit him harder than the basement had despite its quieter inhabitants and spacy atmosphere. He saw the ballerina and cop talking to each other calmly. A man dressed as Jesus came over to the group and handed the cop a frozen bag of fries for his head.

My savior, said the cop.

Cade made eye contact with Jane who was noticeably more intoxicated than she was before. She smiled at him as one of her girlfriends observed. Cade barely smiled back before Jane whispered to her friend. Then they both grinned at him.

He entered the kitchen, finding plenty of jungle juice. He filled his cup, took a look around, and downed the entire thing. He did it again. Then he filled his cup plus another for Jake and headed downstairs. Moving his shoulders to the music a little, he tapped Jake on the back with his elbow. Jake took the drink.

Aw, Cade, what is up?! said Berk as if his friend had been gone a long time.

Chillin’, said Cade. The juice is good.

Berk laughed harder than expected.

They still playin’ Snoop? Larry and Kelly looked at each other.

I don’t know, Cade, does it sound like Snoop? said Kelly, still peering at Larry and sharing a devious grin.

Oh, I—

Thanks for the juice, homie, said Jake.

No doubt, said Cade. There’s still a lot left.

No doubt, said Jake sternly. Blunt’s out.

Word, said Cade. I’m really high. And with that, the boys were together again. They laughed and drank for hours while the vibe became less edgy and more fun.

The house on the side street of the perilous neighborhood seemed a safe haven this night as admission payers uncoiled. The weather was unseasonably warm for Buffalo in late October 2001. There were people outside laughing, stumbling, and hugging one another. Cade shared a hug with a stranger his age as a delightful consequence of bumping into him without purpose. And there was no fear.

The moon and streetlamps shone upon the humans and their connectivity and appreciation of each other. And in the night’s wake, like the leaves shed from their trees, laid the disconnection of each individual human with themselves.

The cups strewn about the lawn made odd props amidst the cars in the road as even more unusual manmade commotion. The fog was thick and it cradled those playing inside of it, soothing and protecting them.

Cade gathered with some people, including Jane on the porch. They came toward each other, devoid of effort, and hugged like friends. Jane, with her eyes, altered the mood and they kissed. As they kissed harder, Cade’s friends watched and smiled at each other as their comrade’s clumsiness grew apparent.

I’ve been watching you, she said. He opened his lips to speak but no sound came out. She smiled. I knew something would happen with us when I saw you.

Oh yeah? he said as they kissed again. Her smile and eyes engaged Cade. It was nice, but he also felt trapped as his friends watching made him uncomfortable.

As they kissed harder, Cade felt as if her tongue was too aggressive. He opened his eyes while they kissed deeply to see that hers were shut. They were out of sync and Jane didn’t care. They stopped kissing. She opened her eyes, smiled, took him by the hand, and led him inside.

They passed a group of stumbling folks playing beer pong. The ballerina man was kissing a girl dressed as an angel, squeezing her nearly naked bottom. Jane intentionally bumped hips with a chick saying hi.

What do you want from me?! a man yelled from beside the beer pong table.

Drink it, bitch, Jane’s friend said.

You gotta sink it to drink it! he said.

Ah! Cheating at the game in plain sight, she shimmied to the cup of beer at the end of the table and dunked the ball in. I always get what I want in! A happy concession, the chap downed the beer. This while Jane, still holding Cade’s hand, whispered to her girlfriend who whispered back. Cade liked the way Jane’s hand felt in his. He liked that a woman that pretty had chosen him.

How ya doin’ there, Cadesie? said Jane’s friend.

Chillin’, he said, barely keeping his cool.

You gonna give my friend what she wants? she said. Jane pretended not to listen but grinned as she put down her drink after a big sip.

Uh… said Cade. The ladies around the table laughed as Jane led him to the rear of the home.

We can get more accomplished in my room, she said as it became quiet.

You have a room here? said Cade, his response delayed.

"Yes, silly! I live here!" she said as they entered the bedroom.

The LSD effect rejuvenated as she closed the door behind them. She put her arms around him and kissed him aggressively and repeatedly. He began to sweat so hard that he thought they were standing under a cascade of water. He dismissed the hallucination, keeping his composure in allure of the embrace. She kissed fast and hard. They made out for so long without him making any advances that it puzzled and irritated her.

Cade was attracted to Jane. And he fantasized about sex and masturbated routinely. This night, however, he was caught off guard. Unlike most of his friends, he had never been as far as he was seemingly headed. He had never experienced fellatio. A woman had never touched his penis. He had only seen, felt, and kissed a woman’s naked breasts.

To sex, he was a stranger.

His unanticipated paramour, on the other hand, had had plenty.

You have the most amazing eyes. She thrust her tongue into his mouth.

Thanks, said Cade, hurried.

Jane pushed a brief laugh through her nose via a loud puff that sounded like a snort upon his mouth.

I’m gonna get us a couple drinks, she said. Music to his ears. Check out my bed! she said as she exited the room, barely closing the door behind her. ...The door opened, exposing a healthy sliver of light while Cade sat on the bed by himself, listening to the sounds of the party he had abandoned.

Drying his hands on the blanket, he waited. And waited. And waited. He took off his hat and wondered where to toss it. He put it on Jane’s pillow. He stared at it. Then put it back on his head. Then back on the pillow. He grabbed and frisbeed it across the room where it landed on the corner of the floor next to the door.

He looked at it there. He stood, walked over, picked it up, put it on his head, and sat back on the bed. A moment passed, then he frisbeed the hat back to the corner of the floor.

Jane entered noisily, laughing. She sat next to Cade, handing him a cup. He took a sip.

Beer? he said.

Um...ya, there’s no more jungle juice, she said.

The unexpectedly low alcohol content of the beverage he had anticipated had him disillusioned while his spoiled taste buds withdrew from the lack of flavor they’d been enjoying all night.

They sat and sipped their beers. Jane giggled, touching Cade’s hair with her fingers.

Where’s your hat? she said, smiling.

I threw it across the room, he said.

Cool, she giggled. He kissed her out of obligation and illness from silence. He thought he’d better get cooking, but still had a beer in his hand. He stopped kissing for a moment and downed most of it, heavy handed, then put the cup on the floor and kissed her again. He was the dominant one now.

They made out hard until he took hold of the bottom of her shirt and pulled up. She raised her arms. He went for the clasp of her lime green bra. She waited. He took too long. She smiled softly and took it off herself. They kissed more and he felt a breast with one hand and started to become hard. She sensed his heart beating faster and stopped kissing to speak, maintaining a soft comfortable tone.

"You’re wearing so many clothes."

Crid po cro, he said.

"What?" she said, bearing a smile.

She puffed a laugh again then piddled with the buttons on his shirt. He unbuttoned all the way down and discarded it, leaving an undershirt that he hoped to keep on.

Lustless, he ran his hand between her thighs atop the denim. She leaned back and scooched her head to the pillow. He felt pleased about his current hat placement.

Jane assumed a relaxed supine position while he shimmied to his side and laid next to her. They kissed as he felt her breasts. He ran his hand, this time more comfortably between her legs. She unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts and began massaging. She squeezed harder and faster causing discomfort and pain. He