The Silent Tears of Polygamy: Based on a True Story of a Muslim Woman

By Robin Johnson

"Johnson eloquently conveys the absolute devastation Ana experiences at what feels like the ultimate betrayal by the person she loves most" - Readers' Favorite.

A powerful and heart-wrenching story of one woman's struggle with polygamy

After spending her life fantasizing about her dream husband, Ana believes

• Language: English
• Publisher: LTG International Publishers
• Release date: Oct 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9780997662047

Robin Johnson

Robin Johnson is the founder, owner, and administrator of the blog, www.polygamy411.com, launched in February 2009. She revised the blog in September 2014 and made it a support group as well. It is a blog and support group for all who have a curious or concerned interest in polygamy.Johnson is a veteran detective. She worked for a law enforcement agency in her hometown for many years and is now self-employed. She has specialized training and experience investigating domestic violence cases and interviewing and helping victims of domestic abuse.Having a sincere passion for helping others, she uses her education, knowledge, and skills to help women in polygamous marriages.Johnson is a lifelong resident of NJ, where she lives with her husband.It is her pleasure to present “The Silent Tears of Polygamy” Based on a True Story of a Muslim Woman.

Book preview

The Silent Tears

of Polygamy

Based on a True Story of a

Muslim Woman

Robin Johnson

Copyright © 2016 by Robin Johnson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Disclaimer:

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Second Edition

ISBN: 978-0-9976620-1-6

LTG International Publishers, US

Contents

Title Page

Acknowledgment

Introduction

I Want the Fairy Tale

My Marriage Begins to Crumble

Heightened Emotions

I’m in Polygamy Now

Moving Forward in Polygamy

Does Anyone Care About Me?

Accepting Polygamy Isn’t Easy

Snap, Crackle, and Pop

Ball of Confusion

Feelings, Thoughts, and Actions

A Rocky Road Ahead

Why I Stay

How We Are Now

A Peculiar Twist

About the Author

Acknowledgment

Ithank my loving husband and my adoring family for the encouragement, love, and tremendous support they gave me while tackling the demanding task of writing The Silent Tears of Polygamy.

All praise is due to my Creator for making it all possible and for bringing it to fruition.

Introduction

Have you ever wondered what it is like to live in a polygamous marriage? It is an experience with different facets, peculiarities, and realities. It is not what you think it is from the outside. There are profound truths hidden from the public eye.

The Silent Tears of Polygamy is based on a true story of a Muslim woman who lives in the United States and is in a polygamous marriage. She will take you through her journey in it. It tells of her emotional, psychological, and physical struggle to accept what her fate was. You will get a glimpse of her life and how she survived. It is real and, at times, sorrowful.

Living in a polygamous marriage usually causes wives an awful heartache, terrible heartbreak, and severe pain. Some call it The Mother of all Pain.

Polygamy has left many women shattered and hapless. It has killed their joy and made them lost and disinterested in life in general. Many women go to the extreme to vent their anger and frustration about it. In the process, they cause themselves and others irreparable harm. Interestingly, polygamy can make you a victim or a victor. It depends on the side of the coin that you are on.

Most people, regardless of their faith, do not like polygamy. Most Muslims know that it is a way of life that God has allowed for men. Allah is the Arabic word for God. Nevertheless, it is a demanding lifestyle to accept for most. One must go through a process of acceptance.

Every Muslim woman should expect that there is a possibility that she may one day live in a polygamous marriage. Non-Muslim women who are married to Muslim men should know that it is a lifestyle that they may become a part of as well.

Many can learn lessons from this American Muslim woman’s life experiences. Perhaps, they can avoid the mistakes that she made. She thought her faith in God was strong before her monogamous marriage turned polygamous. She realized later that it was weak.

Her story will give you a real inside look at the emotional turmoil that many women go through when they live a polygamous lifestyle.

I Want the Fairy Tale

I’m Anastasia Coleman, an American female Muslim who lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, NY, in the United States. Those who know me call me Ana. Not only is it shorter, but it’s easier to pronounce. I will take you on a journey of my life in a polygamous marriage, or perhaps it would be more accurate to call it a part of my life.

My marriage was monogamous for five years. For five years, it was just my husband and me in holy matrimony. There was no triangular relation, and the only people we needed to consider in a nuclear sense were us. That was before my husband took another wife, and a door to a completely different part of life opened to us.

When I look back now, it seems like a lifetime had passed, and I was left wondering where I had been the whole time. Could your life be lived without you? It was a thought that used to drift across the then fertile pasture of my mind.

Growing up, I had dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Who didn’t? I had a clear idea of what I wanted out of life. I mean, yes, I did not quite know where or how the little pieces that made up the whole puzzle called life would fit, but I had a relatively good idea of the big picture.

I was going to be a successful woman who did extraordinary things that would positively impact my world. It was not exactly a priority on my wish list then, but I would get married down the line. We would be partners and, with the two of us together, well, the world had better watch out. It was going to be a systematic progression with a time frame allotted to different stages.

Ultimately, maybe things did not turn out exactly the way I envisioned, but I’ve come to learn that God is the best of planners, and everything always happens for the best, although we may not know it. We can only do our part. The rest is the result of whatever fruits our part bears. It is not in our hands, and I have come to find a certain solace in that knowledge.

I have been in a polygamous marriage, referred to by many as polygyny, for about four years. Polygamy in Islam means a husband has more than one wife at the same time. God permits a man to have as many as four wives at the same time if he can fulfill certain conditions.

For instance, he should be fair and just in his dealings with his wives as we should be in all our dealings with humanity. It is unless someone fights us when it comes to our faith. A husband must not leave a wife feeling like she has no husband when he inclines towards one wife more than the other. Such an inclination is expected and okay. So, barring a few limitations, it is not wrong for a man to be polygamous.

Yes, God allows polygamy for men. Even though I know it and accept it, it is not a lifestyle that I would have chosen for myself. I would find out later that polygamy is not simple to live.

I grew up the same as any ordinary female child in America, enchanted with the romantic fairy tales about living happily-ever-after. I had old fashion family values. It would be a husband, a wife, and children, in a picturesque house with a white picket fence, in a quaint neighborhood.

My husband is Alec Coleman. The same as me, he is an American Muslim. He and I reverted to Islam. When I say reverted, I mean, we were not born into Muslim families. Instead, we were Christians who converted to Islam. Some reverts take on Arabic names for one reason or another when they accept Islam. Neither Alec nor I changed our names as we did not see a need to do it. We are not Arabs.

To tell you more about us, Alec is a director at a Novartis pharmaceutical corporation in Manhattan. He got married to his second wife, Carolyn Wright, while married to me. He married her in December of 2001.

Carolyn became a part of a triangle that became our lives. She lives in Far Rockaway, Queens, NY, and is a manager at one of the Walgreens retail stores there. Carolyn does not appear to have much ambition seeing that girlfriend has worked at the Walgreens for over a decade. It seems she has made it her permanent full-time job. I am assuming she has not pursued any higher education and only has a high school diploma.

I do not know if she is Muslim or not, although Alec said she took the Shahada (vow to become a Muslim). To take the Shahada is to make a covenant with God. Other than Alec telling me so, there is no indication that she is a Muslim.

The acts of worship that one can see are the more obvious ones, and I know she did not cover her hair the way Muslim women should. I know this only because my mom said, I saw Carolyn today while I was out, and she didn’t have her hair covered. It was after Carolyn supposedly had become Muslim.

Based on what Alec had said, praying and fasting were also not paramount on her to-do list. Alec said she had a problem with the Arabic in saying the salat (five daily prayers).

Muslims universally accept that one should say the five daily prayers in Arabic. Alec said she could not fast as Muslims are supposed to do during Ramadan either because she takes medication during the day.

I never believed that she had a genuine interest in Islam. I believe she agreed to say she is Muslim so she could marry Alec. I think it is the only reason that she became Muslim if she is one. Muslims are only supposed to marry Muslims.

Some Muslims are of the erroneous belief that a Muslim man can marry any woman who is not already married. They think that it is okay for them to marry non-Muslim women. It is nonsense. If one reads the Quran, who has an understanding from God, he or she will know that a Muslim must only marry a Muslim. It is the only sensible way. One should wed one who has the same beliefs as herself or himself.

I do not believe that Islam should be used by anyone to get a spouse. Before I married Alec, many suitors approached me. One said that he would become Muslim if I would marry him. I knew right away that something was seriously wrong with him if he would become Muslim so that I would marry him. One should accept Islam because they believe in it and want to serve and worship God only.

Maybe Carolyn was struggling to practice Islam, or perhaps she flat out did not want to live it. I do not know. In a way, I guess she was grappling with it. That was nothing strange or unusual to her alone. In one way or another, the three of us all struggle with Islam. That is the downright, ugly truth.

We each had different lives on our journey. God wrote a script for each of us. The three of us are now intertwined, and thus my story begins.

I was not present at Alec and Carolyn’s wedding ceremony four years ago, nor did I see any documentation that supports it. Because of it, I must take Alec’s word for it that he and she are indeed married. Alec, Carolyn, and I now live a life of polygamy.

Although God allows polygamy for men, there are many Muslims and non-Muslims alike who are against it. Some are only for it if they do not have to live it themselves. They are okay with it for others.

They were free to say that it was Halal (permitted as lawful by God) for someone else, but when it involved them, they started singing a different tune. I attribute it to their upbringing and lack of knowledge of God. Perhaps it is our fragile nature as humans, and the adverse feeling we have about the sharing that one finds in polygamy.

I was not so different. From the beginning, I was not a pro-polygamist. I wanted the fairy-tale marriage associated with monogamy, the supposed blissfulness of a life that was ‘my husband and me only.’ Polygamy was okay in theory only, for me. I was not odd, nor was I the exception to the rule. No woman ever dreams of marrying a man and sharing him with another woman. I mean, no woman does!

So, let me tell you more about Alec and me before I go on about Carolyn. During Alec and my many conversations, before we agreed to marry each other, he said that he could take care of me. He assured me that he could pay for all I needed and give me a decent life. It is the Islamic way, so it made me happy to hear it. Who wouldn’t be at the thought of marrying a capable man? Yes, it was a plus. Still, I would go to work. I would not quit my job.

I believed that when a man gives money to a woman, she gives him a certain amount of power. In no way did I want Alec to have that much control over me. I wanted to make and have my own money from doing something that gave me joy.

I was a retail buyer for Neiman Marcus department store, a dealer in women’s apparel. I liked what I did and the money that I made, not to mention the sense of fulfillment that it gave me to earn a living from doing something that I liked.

Alec did not object to what I wanted to do. It was a win-win situation, and I was comfortable with it. Additionally, we agreed that we would share some of the household expenses. This way, he would have plenty of money left to help his family and friends. It is what he was used to doing and would continue to do. I was not opposed to it. He is a very generous and kind man, which I like.

I did not know and did not for the life of me expect; however, Alec would one day think he had enough money to take care of another wife. It came out of the left field and practically knocked me out. You could say it was a TKO (technical knockout). I think it is safe to say it was the last thing that I expected, and never expected it!

Anyhow, about one year after Alec married Carolyn, I stopped working. That was January 2003. I have an idea of what you might be thinking, but it could not be further from the truth. I did not stop working to put a burden on Alec to make things difficult for him.

I knew we could manage comfortably without my income, so that was a moot point. In another vein, I did not doubt that if Alec and my marriage did not work, I would have enough money to take care of myself. Furthermore, I was mindful that Alec had a legal responsibility, one that a registered State Marriage License afforded me.

I quit my job out of concern for my emotional, psychological, and physical wellbeing. I was under a tremendous amount of stress from living a new polygamous lifestyle. It was as though I woke up one morning in another person’s life and walked in another’s shoes. It was all that I was not used to, and I needed time to adjust.

I was negatively affected in that I could not sleep at night. I came down with insomnia. On top of it, I was unable to focus on my work during the day. It was an enormous disruption for someone like me, who was a perfectionist. My life had turned upside down and was spiraling out of control. I did not know if I was coming or going, and I fell into a deep depression. I did not care about anything anymore.

Polygamy took an immense toll on me. I needed to get myself together and my head uncluttered before I could think of being productive in a job.

Now, let me go back to the time before a polygamous marriage was my lot. I had decided my life had progressed to a certain level. I was ready, and it was time for me to do the needful and desirable thing. It was time for me to get married. Remember how I said that I viewed my life as a systematic progression? Well, it seemed it was the time to progress to the next phase.

One of my colleagues named Alejandro, who knew that I was in the market for marriage and was ready to take the plunge, said to me one day,

I have a friend who is looking for a wife. His name is Alec Coleman. He continued, Alec is a Muslim and a divorcee.

After the brief introduction of Alec’s person, Alejandro went on to tell me more about the man, Alec. The discussion progressed with him telling me that Alec traveled a lot for business. It all sounded good to me except for one thing. Having a traveling husband was not music to my ears. It was not something that I wanted. Consequently, I was hesitant to meet him at first. I was not wild about having a husband who spends as much time at home as he does away.

I had been single for some time. If I were to get married, there should be a distinctive difference in the lifestyles. I thought that it should not be a fifty percent present husband, fifty percent of the time. I am a strong woman, and when I was single, I managed my life well. It was not that I needed Alec to take care of me or anything of that nature. I did not fancy the idea of having a partner who was away a lot of the time.

Nonetheless, from all that Alejandro said, it seemed that Alec was an okay guy. Alejandro was persistent and would not take no for an answer that I would meet Alec. It helped that I knew Alejandro quite well, as we had worked together for years. I surmised that he was a good judge of character. I took a chance, and I finally agreed to meet the mystery man.

Alejandro arranged for Alec to call me. He called me, and we chatted at length. We eventually agreed that we would have an early dinner together in the coming days. Still, I had not formed an opinion of Alec. I was determined not to do that based on a few chats. I could be off target, and I was determined not to be. I was going to wait. Hopefully, we would have a nice dinner together, and then I would decide what to think of him.

The days passed steadily while I eagerly anticipated meeting this man called Alec. I had only heard fantastic things about him. Finally, the agreed-upon day for our dinner arrived. We met and dined at a casual Asian Halal restaurant. Halal is the equivalent of Kosher and is lawful food for Muslims to eat. It was a beautiful dinner, and Alec was an exciting dinner partner. I was quite comfortable with him. It was easy.

So, tell me about yourself, said Alec. I assumed he was trying to conclude about me, and I was doing the same about him. I talked about myself, and Alec spoke about himself, his life, and his journey thus far. Alec was enthusiastic, curious, charming, and attentive. I enjoyed being with him, and he seemed to enjoy my company likewise.

During our conversation, we found that we had a lot in common socioeconomically and educationally. Being of the same nationality was a plus. We talked about children, and we both were in sync with our feelings about them. He and I both said we did not want to have any.

I told Alec that I do not want to have children as I helped raise my younger siblings, which left me with a bad taste in my mouth for childrearing. I said, I can barely take care of myself, let alone a child. He said, I understand. I knew we were then playing from the same sheet music, and I felt good about it.

I cannot categorically say what he thought of me in totality. I can say that I found him to be a genuinely lovely person. There was a softness, warmth, and gentleness about him that I could not explain in more detail, as I had not formed the words for it. Something about his aura drew me into him, and I wanted to know more.

I estimated the man, and l must say, I liked all about him. It was not just me. I think it went both ways. It was how it began for the two of us. From all indications, we appeared to be a good fit.

Of course, Alec and I knew that our meeting was not to establish a dating relationship but to determine if we had the potential and the desire to marry each other. One could say it was an arranged marriage that the two of us were putting together.

During the next few weeks, Alec and I had daily telephone conversations where we talked for hours. It was just a given that we would marry each other. It was more of a meeting of our minds and instinctive.

We discussed how we wanted to marry and what the living arrangements would be. We planned that we would marry in the spring. Something about a May wedding was endearing and romantic to me. So, we agreed to take the plunge in May.

Among many things that I liked about Alec, I especially liked that he was conventional in his beliefs. He wanted our marriage to be civil and legal. Some Muslim spouses do not have a legally registered license or certificate. They have a personal contract with each other that they don’t record with an official agency. Although, there are some masjids (mosques) that keep records of those types of marital contracts.

Our case was different. Alec did not want just a personal written contract for the two of us. He wanted the whole nine yards, a marriage recognized in the face of the civil law. I was ecstatic about it. I liked the security that I thought was inherent with a Marriage License. It could be a dam stopper for possible problems arising during our life together as a couple. I would later find out that there were curves that life could take that leaves you devoid of moves.

As part of the many discussions that we drifted off into, Alec and I talked about polygamy. Alec was clear about his stance on it. Or at least, I thought he was. Maybe Alec was at the time. He categorically stated that he would not want more than one wife.

Alec said he could not understand how any man would want more than one wife. He made it sound to be a headache that no one wishes to have. Alec stated that it would not be conducive to a polygamous lifestyle with all the traveling he does for his job. He would have little time for one wife, let alone two of them.

Alec’s words were music to my ears. He was speaking my mind on the issue. I never wanted to live in a polygamous marriage. It was beautiful to be with someone who shared that view so strongly. With the gift of hindsight, I know I was foolish to think that he knew how he would feel and what he would do in the years to come.

Things, people, and circumstances all change. And we never know what our reaction will be in different scenarios. I learned that lesson