The Learning Project: Rites of Passage

By Lincoln Stoller

The central question in all of our lives is how to live, and-one way or another-we find ourselves on this path, on a journey toward an answer. Here, thirty-five exceptional survivors who are either starting, in the middle, or nearing the end of their life's path tell of the secrets they've found.

Nothing prepares you for l

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mind Strength Balance
• Release date: Apr 5, 2019
• ISBN: 9781775288022

Lincoln Stoller

Lincoln Stoller works with clients who want to reinvent themselves professionally, mentally, medically, and spiritually. Moving through therapy, counseling, mentoring, and coaching, he explores cultures, lineages, and families, combining wisdom of the body and science of the mind. Change happens quickly when you engage with chaos.Lincoln Stoller has a PhD in physics, certifications in hypnotherapy, project management, and clinical psychology. He has 50 years of experience with personal development, a background in business software, brain biofeedback training, artificial intelligence, spiritual learning, shamanic healing, and psychedelics. An experienced mountaineer, certified scuba diver, and registered pilot, he's published in a dozen fields and has 8 books on topics from sleep to education.

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Table of Contents

The Learning Project

Praise for The Learning Project

Dedication

Acknowledgments

INTRODUCTION

Preface I: Persephone's Learning

Preface II: The Education of Achilles

Preface III: Melencolia I

Author's Note

ART

William Ashburton

Phantom Street Artist

Crista Dahl

BIOLOGY

Sonya Peters

Gudrun Sperrer

Jerome Lettvin

COMPUTERS

Andrew Reese Crowe

Michelle Murrain

Esther Dyson

FILM

Oliver Pierce

Simon Daniel James

Tom Hurwitz

MEDICINE

MaryAnn MaNais

Dave Williamson

George Plotkin

Nancy White

OUTDOORS

Ella Gazka

Lynn Hill

Fred Beckey

PHYSICS

Hamilton Shu

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Charles Hard Townes

SOCIETY

Jessica Henry

Lotus Bringing

Jaz Lin

Phyllis Schlafly

TRADE

Tom Kellogg

Clarence W. See

Donald Dubois

WRESTLING

Mike Short

Paul Widerman

Lou Giani

WRITING

Caitlin McKenna

Alice Placert

Matt Forbeck

POSTSCRIPT

Lincoln Stoller

Afterword

The Learning Project, Rites of Passage

Lincoln Stoller

First Edition.

Published 2019 by Mind Strength Balance, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada

http://www.mindstrengthbalance.com

Copyright © 2019 Lincoln Stoller, All rights reserved.

Except for brief excepts in reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.

Stoller, Lincoln, 1956- author.

The learning project : rites of passage / Lincoln Stoller.

ISBN 9781775288015 (mobi) | ISBN 9781775288022 (epub)

ISBN 9781775288039 (pdf) | ISBN 9781775288008 (paper)

ISBN 9781775288046 (hard cover)

Subjects: LCSH: Learning. | Education. | Mentoring. | Thought and thinking.

Cover illustration: Narcissus, by John William Waterhouse.

PRAISE FOR

The Learning Project

"In a society deeply committed to time-wasting, Lincoln Stoller has given us something of a miracle in his Learning Project, a window out of our own claustrophobic darkness into the consciousness of others, a momentary intimacy with the essences which animate flesh. What learning project could match this one?"

— John Taylor Gatto, twice New York State Teacher of the Year, recipient of Alexis de Tocqueville Award for Excellence in Advancement of Educational Freedom, author of Dumbing Us Down and The Underground History of American Education.

~

"The Learning Project provides a Rosetta Stone for living a self-made, satisfied life; an intuitive understanding worth more than its weight in gold. With brilliant glimpses into fascinating lives, Stoller shows life's answers lie in people. I highly recommend this book to anyone in the process of pursuing their dreams – that should mean everyone."

— Alexander Khost, founder and facilitator of Voice of the Children NYC.

~

Authentic learning comes from living as much with passion as with intellect. This is a wonderful collection of choices, risks, doubts, struggles, failures, and triumphs from widely differing backgrounds, personalities, chosen paths, and ages – from 15 to 93 – of remarkable, adventurous lives. Lincoln Stoller has a great knack for inviting the revelation of basic life truths, and the learning that has occurred along the way. I recommend this book to anyone, but especially to people thinking about how they themselves might leave a well-worn path for something new and heartfelt.

— Peter Gray, PhD, Department of Psychology, Boston College, and President of Alliance for Self-Directed Education. Author of Psychology and Free to Learn.

~

The sheer diversity of the stories in this massive work, from individuals who forged their own trails, shows there are so many more ways to learn than the model our culture currently supports. How wonderfully inventive we are, we humans – our differences are our strength. Message to all: accept yourself as you are, take yourself seriously, and keep going!

— Wendy Wolosoff-Hayes, psychotherapist, energy healer, and founder of spaciousheartguidance.com.

~

"The Learning Project explores processes of learning through a fascinating variety of interviews with people diverse in age, experience, and social standing. The transformative power of learning and knowledge are recurring themes. This informative, entertaining book should benefit readers from any discipline."

— Raymond C. Russ, PhD, Department of Psychology, University of Maine. Editor of The Journal of Mind and Behavior.

~

A physicist by training and philosopher by inclination, Lincoln Stoller asks a fascinating collection of people about how they make key decisions in their lives. With simple questions like, I don’t know, tell me... he opens discussions about deep life experiences. This book, intended for young people reflecting on how to live, is relevant for anyone considering their personal narrative and life philosophy.

— Rachel Harris, PhD, psychologist. Co-author of Children Learn What They Live, and Teenagers Learn What They Live.

~

"The Learning Project is a powerhouse of intellectual and humanistic insights from special individuals of all ages and backgrounds. Lincoln opens up his speakers' inmost thoughts and feelings, their highest potential, inspiration, unique abilities, goals, and dreams. An intimate look at what it means to be human, masterfully captured by a brilliant curator. An amazing book, well worth reading more than once."

— Kate Jones, artist, dance teacher, writer, philosopher, founder, and President of Kadon Enterprises, Inc. at gamepuzzles.com.

~

"Anyone interested in the actual mechanics of lifelong changes, success, and growth will realize that The Learning Project offers an unprecedented, invaluable key to achievement that no growth-oriented learner should bypass."

— D. Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review

To Chiron

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to my ancestors, without whom gaining this knowledge would not have been possible; to my descendants, without whom passing it on would not be important; and to the people who will benefit from this project – hopefully you will help others.

And thanks to the bad teachers I have had – which is to say most of them – for developing my sense of purpose and for helping make the wrong paths clear. Thanks to the good ones too.

INTRODUCTION

I have written this book for young people interested in taking control of their lives. It addresses learning in a general sense by interviewing different people and asking them to describe their learning process: why it's important, how they do it, and what it's done for them.

The interviews are with young, middle-aged, and older people working or interested in either of 11 different fields. For some people school is important, for others it isn't. Curiosity, determination, and self-confidence keep coming up in these stories, as do the teachers people have had and the discoveries they have made. Judgment is critical. Learn to trust your judgment, your own judgment.

The greatest act of rebellion anyone can ever hope to achieve… is to actually break the mold and THINK for yourself: to open your eyes.

— Jamie Stuart, from Eyes Wide Shut

What It Contains

The Learning Project makes deep insights available through interviews on the subject of learning, collected from people in different fields. The interviews come from young people of school age, people in their middle age who are pursuing a career, and established elders.

All the people interviewed in the project are asked:

• What are the most important things you've learned?

• How did you learn them?

• What do you hope to accomplish?

The Learning Project weaves a dialog on the subject of learning, where learning is used in the sense of building one's life; learning to grow up human. This is a kind of learning that each person must define and execute for themselves.

How It Started

The Learning Project combines my experiences from learning as a young person through and beyond middle age. I was independent-minded from childhood. I began rock climbing at 13 and, without anyone's help, I was planning major mountaineering expeditions at 16. These early projects taught me that important questions were not easy to find or to answer.

I was interested in science in high school but didn't know what it involved. I went to speak to the best scientist I could find: Eugene Wigner, 1963 Nobel Laureate in quantum physics. He was tremendously excited to hear from me, though he'd never heard from me before. From him I began to learn the usefulness of good advice; forty-five years later I appreciate how important good advice is… and it's largely unavailable.

How It Ends

This book is about following your heart. Consider how these insights might be of use to you. It's your journey. It doesn't end.

PREFACE I: PERSEPHONE'S LEARNING

Narcissus, by John William Waterhouse, 1912

Persephone was a legendary Greek maiden who picked an enchanted Narcissus flower from the fields of Nysia, whereupon the earth split open, and from it emerged the Lord of the Underworld, riding a chariot drawn by four black horses. Hades then took Persephone, willingly or otherwise, on a tour of the world and a journey to find her destiny, which included her becoming his queen, among other things.

The Mysteries

The character of Persephone is one of three archetypes appearing in this myth, and which together represent the cycle of human development. She is the youth who is compelled, by curiosity and divine force, to begin a journey of completion. The other two archetypes are The Giver of Life, represented by her mother, Demeter, and The Seer of Wisdom, represented by the crone, Hecate.

The ancient Greek ceremony and cult built around Persephone, called the Eleusinian Mysteries, played a central, spiritual role in Greek society. Greeks of any social rank could be initiated into these mysteries, but it required a year or more of preparation, an oath of secrecy, and imbibing a visionary entheogen known only as the Kykeon. Divulging the Greater Secrets of Persephone – the Rites of Transformation, as it were – was punishable by death. Socrates revealed the Secrets to some extent, though nothing was recorded, and as a result the authorities compelled Socrates to kill himself. The Secrets were ultimately lost with the coming of Christianity in 400 AD, and remain unknown to this day.

This myth is debased in its modern telling partly because it was distorted by Homer when it was chronicled around 700 BC. Homer, who was basically The Walt Disney Company of his day, did not convey the central teaching of the myth, which came from the story of Inanna, the Sumerian goddess who preceded the Greeks by 4,000 years. In these times people did not eschew the bad and seek only the good, a point of view developed around the time of Christ, they worked to integrate light and dark. This is Persephone's story.

Inanna… epitomized the essence of contradiction, of the unimaginable variety and possibility in the created world… she introduced the possibility of the individual who thinks for herself/himself… Through the choices we make, we build the unique individuality of ourselves… As the goddess of paradox, she is the model of unity in multiplicity. Each of us reflects a bit of her discordance in ourselves. Each of us is burdened with the chore of gathering our many conflicting pieces together into a semblance of order and congruence.

— Betty De Shong Meador, from Inanna, Lady of the Largest Heart

Persephone's story is an icon for The Learning Project because it represents the most mysterious of the three processes of learning. These three processes are acquisition, reconstruction, and transformation. Acquisition means the growth of knowledge through learning new things, such as facts or skills. Reconstruction – which could also be called discovery – means the appreciation and remediation of flawed knowledge through insight and re-conception. Transformation refers to accomplishing a change in oneself that admits new levels of perception and understanding. Transformation gives a person a new understanding, not of things, but of knowledge itself.

Risk brings its own rewards: the exhilaration of breaking through, of getting to the other side, the relief of a conflict healed, the clarity when a paradox dissolves. Whoever teaches us this is the agent of our liberation. Eventually we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. Finally, we must take charge of the journey, urging ourselves past our own reluctance and misgivings and confusion to new freedom. Once that happens, however many setbacks or detours we may encounter, we are on a different life journey. Somewhere is that clear memory of the process of transformation: dark to light, lost to found, broken to seamless, chaos to clarity, fear to transcendence.

— Marilyn Ferguson, from The Aquarian Conspiracy: Personal and Social Transformation in the 1980s

The interviews in The Learning Project reflect all three forms of learning to varying degrees. A useful oversimplification is that young people, like Persephone, face transformation; middle-aged people, like Demeter, are busy acquiring; and old people, like Hecate, seek to discover meaning. But don't take my word for it. Read the interviews yourself.

Blessed is he among mortals who witnesses these things, but whoever is not initiated into them or dies without them descends unblessed into the gloomy darkness…

— from The Hymn to Demeter, seventh century BCE

(Human beings) don't use the knowledge the spirit has put into every one of them; … and so they stumble along blindly on the road to nowhere – a paved highway which they themselves bulldoze and make smooth so that they can get faster to the big empty hole which they'll find at the end.

— Lame Deer, Lakota Shaman

PREFACE II: THE EDUCATION OF ACHILLES

The Education of Achilles by Chiron, by Pompeo Batoni, 1746

Chiron and the Education of Achilles

Batoni's painting shows the mythological centaur Chiron teaching Achilles, whom he raised and mentored from infancy. Beyond that, the story gets complicated.

King of the Centaurs

To understand what Chiron represents, you must recognize that Greek mythology is not just a set of stories, it's a cosmology that describes the origin and detail of human character. The stories are interconnected because the elements of human thought, character, and culture are interconnected, and Chiron is one of the most interconnected characters of all.

Chiron was born from the unwilling union of the mortal sea nymph Philyra with Cronus, father of Zeus and the Greek primordial god of time. His centaur form, with a human head and torso and the body of a horse, derived from his mother's attempt to escape rape by his father by shifting into a mare. In this origin he was different, and his legacy was opposite in the extreme from all the other centaurs who were famous for depravity and barbarism.

Chiron was immediately rejected by both his parents and taken into the care of the sun god Apollo, the god of prophecy and oracles, healing, plague and disease, music, song and poetry, archery, and the protection of the young. Apollo passed these skills on to Chiron, who consequently came to embody the integration of human culture and intellect with our bestial instincts and brute force.

Chiron was the Greeks' original teacher and raised many of the Greeks' most famous heroes, including Jason (barely out of his teens when he led the Argonauts to recover the Golden Fleece), Asclepius (god of medicine), Aristaios (god of shepherds, cheese-making, bee-keeping, olive growing, medicinal herbs, and the Etesian winds), Theseus (to become the king of Athens), Ajax (to become king of Salamis), and both Peleus and his son Achilles (hero of the Trojan war).

Chiron was honored by all, something uncommon in Greek mythology, so it was ironic his demise came accidentally when he was grazed by a poisoned arrow shot by his friend Hercules. Because he was immortal, the magic poison caused him endless, debilitating torment but could not kill him. From this, Chiron is recognized as the original wounded healer, an archetype central to the work of therapists, counselors, prophets, and shamans.

Hercules eventually secured a divine bargain in which Chiron's immortality was forfeit to secure the liberation of Prometheus, who was more or less Chiron's cousin, thereby granting Chiron his wish to die and consigning his spirit to the underworld. Yet even that was not to last, as his universal esteem led his half-brother Zeus to intervene one last time by raising him to the celestial realm in the form of the constellation Sagittarius (sagitta is Latin for arrow), thereby restoring to him an immortality of sorts. In this way Chiron ultimately found his cure beyond death and, in both myth and astrology, he lies as a bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds.

Approach to Education

While Chiron appears throughout Greek mythology to raise and mentor those destined to be gods and heroes, we don't know much about his personality or educational philosophy. As this is a book about learning, these are the things we are most interested in: just how does one learn to be a mythical hero? Luckily, Odysseus asked this same question of Achilles when Odysseus met him later in his life, and this is what he answered:

"Then he taught me to go with him through pathless deserts, dragging me on with mighty stride, and to laugh at the sight of the wild beasts, nor tremble at the shattering of rocks by rushing torrents nor at the silence of the lonely forest. Already at that time weapons were in my hand and quivers on my shoulders. The love of steel grew apace within me, and my skin was hardened by much sun and frost; nor were my limbs weakened by soft couches, but I shared the hard rock with my master's mighty frame.

"Scarce had my youth turned the wheel of twice six years, when already he made me outpace swift hinds and Lapith steeds, and running overtake the flung dart; often Chiron himself, while yet he was swift of foot, chased me at full gallop with headlong speed o'er the plains. And when I was exhausted by roaming over the meads he praised me joyously and hoisted me upon his back. Often too, in the first freezing of the streams, he would bid me go upon them with light step not to break the ice.

"These were my boyhood's glories… Never would he suffer me to follow unwarlike does through the pathless glens of Ossa, or lay low timid lynxes with my spear, but only to drive angry bears from their resting-places, and boars with lightning thrust; or if anywhere a mighty tiger lurked or a lioness with her cubs in some secret lair upon the mountain-side, he himself, seated in his vast cave, awaited my exploits, if perchance I should return bespattered with dark blood; nor did he admit me to his embrace before he had scanned my weapons.

"And already I was being prepared for the armed tumults of neighboring folk, and no fashion of savage warfare passed me by… Scarce could I recount all my doings, successful though they were. Now he instructs me to climb and grasp the airy mountain-peak, with what stride to run upon the level, how to catch flung stones in mimic battle on my shielded arm, to pass through burning houses, and to check flying four-horse teams on foot.

"Spercheus, I remember, was flowing with rapid current, fed full with constant rains and melted snows and carrying on its flood boulders and living trees, when he sent me in, there where the waves rolled fiercest, and bade me stand against them and hurl back the swelling billows that he himself could scarce have borne, though he stood to face them with so many a limb. I strove to stand, but the violence of the stream and the dizzy panic of the broad spate forced me to give ground. He loomed o'er me from above and fiercely threatened, and flung taunts to shame me. Nor did I depart till he gave me word, so far did the lofty love of fame constrain me, and my toils were not too hard with such a witness.

"For to fling the Oebalian quoit far out of sight into the clouds, or to practice the holds of the sleek-wrestling bout, and to scatter blows with the boxing-gloves were sport and rest to me: nor labored I more therein than when I struck with my quill the sounding strings, or told the wondrous fame of heroes of old.

Also did he teach me of juices and the grasses that succor disease, what remedy will staunch too fast a flow of blood, what will lull to sleep, what will close gaping wounds; what plague should be checked with a knife, what will yield to herbs. And he implanted deep within my heart the precepts of divine justice, whereby he was wont to give revered laws to the tribes that dwell on Pelion, and tame his own twy-formed folk [the Kentauroi]. So much do I remember, friend, of the training of my earliest years, and sweet is their remembrance.

— Pablius Papinius Statius, from Achilleid Book 2. p.96ff (Latin Epic ca. 1st century AD)

Chiron taught the strength to embrace struggle, engage paradox, and prevail in challenge and, though we've forgotten his teachings, we still seek this for ourselves.

PREFACE III: MELENCOLIA I

Melencolia I, by Albrecht Dürer, 1514

Wikipedia says this 16th century engraving by Albrecht Dürer has been the subject of more modern interpretation than almost any other image in art. I've used it here for three reasons reflecting the importance of judgment. The first relates to the angel, the second to five objects on the left side, and the third to its title. My understanding of the picture's elements comes from my friend David Finkelstein, without whom this work would remain poorly understood.

The Angel

I see the angel as a learner; she is divine and so is learning. Learning is the process of attaining godliness, and all learning is part of this process. The angel contemplates the geometric solid whose meaning is enigmatic. The solid refers to the mind, and it may refer to the soul as well. A detailed view of the fine lines defining the solid reveals what appear to be a multitude of human faces, not unlike this text. The angel has her hand in a position for writing, but the implement she's holding is a compass; compasses measure.

We interpret images according to objects familiar to us, and it is natural for us to ascribe separateness and identity to them. This was just the beginning of what Dürer had in mind. As well as conveying meanings by portraying meaningful objects and by juxtaposing objects meaningfully, he also superimposed hidden images within the objects. These form layers that tell complementary and conflicting stories. These relationships, many yet undiscovered, fuel the controversy about the picture's meaning. Of the dozens of layers in this work I'll consider only one: the Arab. One must consider the Arab to better understand what the angel is doing.

The Arab

The picture shows two events important in the 16th century, and still important today: these are the emergence of logical thinking and the conflict between Eastern and Western cultures. Both conflicts require judgment – and the angel, who connects the two, may be the key to understanding them. The emergence of logical thinking, later to dominate European culture in the Enlightenment of the 18th century, is represented by the geometric solid discussed below. The conflict between East and West is represented by the Arab.

The Arab is a kneeling figure hidden in the folds of the angel's dress. The oddly serrated saw, or sword, he's reaching for with his left hand is being held down by the angel's right foot, while his right hand is reaching back toward where she is stabbing him with the point of her compass. She seems to have him hostage while she contemplates the situation. And it appears her contemplation of rationalism (the geometric solid) as a replacement for religion (the millstone) bears on this conflict.

Was Dürer portraying the Arab's struggles as a philosophical reflection on changing culture? Was he referring to the Crusades, the three centuries of war that defined relations between Europe and the Middle East up until his time? Or was he directed by, in Dürer's words, the fear of invasion by the Turks, which gripped all of central Europe, which also conveyed his personal and family struggles living at the edge of the expansion of Islam? He had reason to do all of these, and he probably was. These themes play a dominant part in what might be called the picture's historical story.

Five Objects

Five objects gain their importance from their referential meaning and relative placement. These objects are the globe, the dog, the solid, the millstone, and the comet. The picture uses these objects, supported by many of the smaller items, to present Dürer's philosophy. Each object deserves a dissertation of its own, but a summary will suffice. The first thing to note is their linear relationship: four of them lie on a straight line, with the millstone being displaced.

The globe is foundational in the terrestrial, spiritual, and alchemical senses. It provides the context from which humanity fashions a place in and an understanding of the world. It is the starting point for contemplation and transformation. It is blank and smooth.

The dog represents fidelity or, from the Latin origin of this word, faith. It was a common view in Dürer's time, when European culture was dominated by Catholicism, that faith sustains our connection to the divine. The dog lies between the globe and the solid in the way faith lies between the terrestrial and spiritual worlds.

Theology and the divine institution of the church, represented by the millstone, are objects to which faith applies itself to connect humanity to the spiritual realms. But the thinking that began in the Renaissance in general, and with Protestantism in particular, began the movement to supplant theology with what we now call natural philosophy. Dürer was on the rationalist edge of these changes, as evidenced by his work in art and mathematics, and in his time it was not safe to be seen diverging from the views of the Roman Catholic Church. This explains why Dürer wrote his story in symbols rather than words, and hidden symbols at that.

The geometric solid has complex and obscure meanings. I feel it represents individual and collective rationalism, although in the 16th century this force held more mystery and promise than it does today. In those times rationalism was distinct from theology and it hinted at the renaissance of ideas to come. Today rationality has subsumed the role of religion as politicians now confer with scientists not bishops; we teach our children reason rather than religion; and we look to technology to save us.

By placing the millstone on the dog's level and out of the line leading to the comet, and at the same time placing the solid on a higher level and along the divine progression, Dürer seems to say theology and faith are much the same, while reason offers a higher truth and a more divine path. The geometric solid also carries references to gnosticism, or hidden paths to knowledge, as a top-down view of its edges presents the Shield of David inscribed within a hexagon. Both were mystical symbols used throughout the Far and Middle East.

The comet represents an aspect of God. Clearly it is distant, dynamic, and uncapturable. It may represent a power, or a message, or a messenger. No one seems to be looking at it, and the scene is not illuminated by its light, but it is tracking straight for the head of the cherub-like figure sitting against the wall who, it is fairly certain because he holds an engraver's tool, is Dürer himself.

The Title

The goal of The Learning Project is to encourage young people to develop judgment. The essential story of your life is knowable only by you, and only you can guide yourself. Others might claim to know what's best for you, but what is obvious to them may not be true. And so it is with the title of this engraving.

The great historians considering this work misunderstood it at the most basic level: the level of its title. It was not until David Finkelstein, a person of no special training or authority in the subject, that this key was revealed.

The title Melencolia is not and never was an alternate spelling of the word melancholy, although the allusion to the word's medieval meaning of introspective is apposite. Nor does the I in the title refer to the Roman numeral one, though this was one of Dürer's three master works. Rather, MELENCOLIA I is an anagram of "CAELO LIMINE whose meaning in Latin can be taken as I engrave at the wall, or I engrave at the edge, or at the gateway to Heaven," all of which apply to the scene. In this way, we see the engraving is about Dürer's world and philosophy.

Albrecht Dürer questioned the accepted thought of his time and wrote a symbolic discourse whose symbol-statements are hidden in plain sight. David Finkelstein deciphered some of these symbols, and from this we better understand Dürer and his times. In a similar manner, we must all question what we're told about our world, in order to find our own place in it. Like Melencholia I, The Learning Project also sits at the gateway to Heaven.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Some of the names, locations, and photographs are fictional because some people requested their identities be withheld. Some transcripts were edited for focus and readability. The other transcripts are presented verbatim.

~

For additional commentary and to hear extracts from audio transcripts visit https://www.mindstrengthbalance.com/learningproject . Follow @LincolnStoller and #TheLearningProject for more information.

1 —

WILLIAM ASHBURTON

History, Early Life

Born 1989, Yuma, Arizona

William struggled with his adoptive family. His issues played out through anger, which first manifested in fifth grade, and has only just finished its course now that he is 19.

His anger ran a harsh course through cigarettes, alcohol, sex, drugs, and violence. It’s difficult to find solutions through anger, and it's a dangerous path – a difficult learning tool, you might say – but anger is something we all encounter.

The phrase love conquers all is trite and useless. Yet William’s epiphany about love saved his life when things were out of control. I am happy to say, he found a resolution and a love for his family, though they are still working to rebuild their relationships.

Excerpts

Back then I didn’t care if I was alive or dead. I wouldn’t kill myself, but I’d get to scary points doing drugs that would nearly kill me…

I was overdosing on crystal meth, and we were… I don’t know… This is where I became unconscious… so this is what Sophia told me happened. When we got to the bedroom I said, ‘Please don’t tell my parents! Please don’t tell my parents!’… I wasn’t shaking any more but my eyes were open. Then I stopped breathing…

So I stabbed her… with a pencil. That was bad. I’d never done anything like that before. I just got so mad so quickly that I thought it was OK (laughs… sighs), but it wasn’t (sighs)… Oh, what a life…

I got their attention in a way I didn’t want. I didn’t want them to send me away or anything. But I got too deep into everything, and they thought I needed help… They arranged for me to go away to school in Utah. I went to Utah. I learned so much there. I hated my parents before I went: I hated them. I hated my sister, I hated my brother…

My sister and I have changed a lot. She and I are best friends now… that just came out of the blue… It was the day I came back from the treatment center… she gave me a hug for the first time ever. She had never given me a hug in my teenage years, ever. It felt like she loved me, and I started to cry. I’ve never gotten a hug from her. So I had to love her back…

It’s so hard to tell stories. It is so hard.

Knowledge must come through action; you can have no test which is not fanciful, save by trial.

— Sophocles, Greek tragic dramatist (496 – 406 BC), from Trachiniae

"At pettiness which plays so rough

Walk upside-down inside handcuffs

Kick my legs to crash it off

Say okay, I have had enough

What else can you show me?"

— Bob Dylan, from It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding).

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.

— George Sand, novelist (1804 – 1876).

Interview: Albuquerque, New Mexico, March 2008

We sit in the sunny weather on William’s patio in the hills above Albuquerque. William is waxing his legs.

William Ashburton: Ouch, shit!

LS: All your pain is being preserved.

WA: Thank goodness! So what are we kind of looking for?

LS: The question is, what was your relationship to learning things? How did that change as you grew up?

WA: I wasn’t very good at it… learning things? It’s an interesting question. I’ve never been asked that before… I really, honestly, don’t understand the question.

LS: Think about boredom. That’s usually where it begins: boredom and frustration at school or at home.

WA: Yeah, I guess I could say I was bored. But at the same time I was having fun. I had a lot of friends, which made it harder, actually.

I guess it all started in elementary school. We had just watched a movie on gun violence. I started to pass notes, weird notes. I sent a note to this girl named Angela Dansala – who was my friend – and I said, I want to blow your brains out. It was a quote from the movie. That was my first time getting suspended.

I thought being suspended was kind of cool: got to stay home, didn’t do shit. I decided to get suspended more often. In fifth grade I got suspended more than seven times. Some days I just stayed home, because I didn’t really give a crap.

I started smoking cigarettes in sixth grade. My parents didn’t know that. They thought I started when I was 18, but I actually smoked on campus in sixth grade. I had an older friend who was in high school at the time. Her name was Stephanie Sherman. She wasn’t legal age to smoke yet either, but we got cigarettes anyway. When I took that first puff, I knew I was going to be a smoker. That hurt me a lot, when it came to school.

Seventh grade was good. I didn’t do anything. I did my work. It was a new school, a new environment, trying to get used to people.

When I hit eighth grade, that’s when I started to ditch school. I told my parents, Oh yeah. I’m going to go to school. But I would ditch, I would go to this place called Sugarloaf, which is here in the hills. I wouldn’t drink a lot, but I didn’t need to. I was really tiny in eighth grade, and a 12 oz. bottle of beer would have me on my ass. I ended up really liking drinking. I still like drinking, just not as much (laughs).

Ninth grade was pretty crazy. I wasn’t quite to the age where I went to the club yet, but I got offers to go many times.

LS: What’s the scene here? What’s the social environment that you’re growing up in?

WA: There’s a lot of scenes in La Cuesta high school. I associated myself with all the different scenes: the drug scene, the dance scene – the dance scene came with the drugs. I guess that’s the scene I was in, the drugs. I didn’t care.

Back then I didn’t care if I was alive or dead. I wouldn’t kill myself, but I’d get to scary points doing drugs that would nearly kill me. A lot of stuff has happened. It’s kind of hard to tell the full story, ‘cause so much has happened.

LS: What were you looking for? What were you hoping to have happen?

WA: The reason why I started doing all the drugs and stuff, and smoking cigarettes and drinking, is because I wanted to get attention from my parents. I felt like my whole family didn’t love me at all. Later on I found out that that wasn’t true, but at the time I just felt pretty unloved. Doing drugs and drinking took that away. It just made me feel better.

Tenth grade I ditched every day. I missed half of the school year and, again, I was doing drugs.

When 11th grade came along, I was a mess. I was going to all sorts of places that I probably shouldn’t have gone to, like hookah bars. I wouldn’t just do hookah there.

LS: What’s a hookah? Do they smoke hash?

WA: It’s like flavored smoke, but it’s in a bong. A hookah has a lot of leads coming off of it so people can smoke together. It’s not illegal; it’s only illegal if you’re under 18, which I was.

We’d go there because my friend – I won’t use his name because he’d get pissed – he would take us. We’d smoke meth… Not out of the same thing of course, you couldn’t do that. That was 11th grade. In 11th grade I didn’t go to school at all.

LS: People thought you were going to school?

WA: Yeah. They found out I wasn’t going to school. This is when the story gets kind of bad.

I loved snorting crystal meth. I loved it. I had a best friend, her name was Sophia, and we went to the club. My first time doing it was at the club. I was so fucked up in there I almost got raped in the bathroom, third stall. Luckily Sophia wasn’t too fucked up. She just said, like, We just have to go. Let me call my boyfriend. And she’s talking all weird, just like me.

That night we decided we needed more, because it wore off. We had this friend named Rex, who actually lives down the street, and he said he could get it for us if we went over. So we went over – ouch! – we went over, and he took us to this bridge where his parents live. They lived underneath the bridge.

That’s where I did too much. I was fine at first, but when we got back here – I was walking down the driveway – I started to hyperventilate. They put me in this chair. My eyes were rolling in the back of my head. That was a very long night. It was just starting.

I got my breath back and said I was OK, but when I got to the stairs, I collapsed. So they had to lift me. Sophia’s boyfriend Tom lifted me. He came from Corrales because Sophia was freaking out, and he took me to my mattress. I didn’t have a bed. Back then I had a mattress on the floor.

I was overdosing on crystal meth, and we were… I don’t know… This is where I became unconscious… so this is what Sophia told me happened. When we got to the bedroom I said, Please don’t tell my parents! Please don’t tell my parents! And she was, like, OK, I won’t tell your parents. And there were four of us in there: Rex, Tom, Sophia, and myself – ouch! – and I tried to sleep. I wasn’t shaking any more but my eyes were open. Then I stopped breathing.

Sophia was on top of me, pounding my chest, and I woke up (laughs)! That’s when my parents walked in. It was pretty noisy. So that was that night! Two days later, I went to a psychiatric hospital.

LS: Did you want to go?

WA: Hell no. Hell no! I put up a fight. I said, Oh no, I don’t need to go. I’ve learned my lesson. An overdose is enough. But I went anyway.

I met really interesting people at the psychiatric hospital. I made a really good friend. Her name was Delia. Her arms were probably as thin as this chair leg, and she made me realize, Why the fuck am I here, and she’s here. I didn’t do anything like she did. She would do an 8-Ball – I don’t know what an 8-Ball is – but she’d do an 8-Ball of coke and smoke pot every day. I wasn’t like that, and I thought that I shouldn’t be there because these people were crazy, and I wasn’t crazy.

After we became really good friends, she got to a point that she couldn’t stay any longer, so she had to leave. But she wasn’t ready to leave. I started to freak out in the psychiatric hospital when she had to leave. I said, What do you mean you have to leave? And she’s like, You’re ready to leave, but I’m not.

That made me think, hmm, maybe I should work this because I did some of the same things that she did, but not to her extent. She would talk to me about doing drugs, and I would say, Oh, that sounds like so much fun! I didn’t feel ready to leave.

When the therapist said to me, You get to leave in two days, I was, like, I don’t think that’s a good idea. So he let me stay as an outpatient for two weeks. But I still wasn’t ready.

I was doing fine for a while. I wasn’t in the public high school; I was going to a continuation school because I missed so much school. I did that for about a month. Then I did something really stupid.

I slept over at my boyfriend’s house, his name was Rick, and I had school the next day. He was a hard-core drug addict; I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s dead now. I haven’t heard from him in a long time.

I did speed at his house, and then I went to school. I was really fucked up. I had a therapist at the school, and she noticed something was wrong with me. I’m usually an honest person, so I told her what I’d done. She called my parents. I got pissed… but whatever.

LS: You thought she would be confidential about it?

WA: Yeah, she’s my therapist! So she told my parents, and they arranged for me to go away to school in Utah. I went to Utah. I learned so much there. I hated my parents before I went: I hated them. I hated my sister, I hated my brother.

LS: Where did that come from? Did it come from the whole growing up scene?

WA: I think so. I got their attention in a way I didn’t want. I didn’t want them to send me away or anything. But I got too deep into everything, and they thought I needed help. I probably did. I got help (sighs).

The school really taught me a lot to do with… about having a family. Everyone there had a problem. Again, in the beginning, I thought I didn’t need to be there, and I hated my parents for sending me. For two months I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything; I didn’t look at anybody.

Most of the kids in my room had a problem with their parents, and their family as well. But listening to them made me feel, How can you hate your parents for that?

I remember going to bed one night, and this boy named Juan, who slept above me, we had bunk beds, he was talking about how his dad is so rich, and he hates him for it. I didn’t ask him, but I said in my brain, How can you hate someone for being rich? I don’t know why, but that got me to think that being mad at my parents wasn’t OK. I mean being mad at my parents was OK, but hating them wasn’t OK.

The place was a year-round school, and in the third month I was there I started getting a really good GPA, which was not like me. I usually get a GPA of 2.5 or something, and now I was getting 3.9. That’s when I realized that, well, I’m pretty good at school, but I just don’t apply myself.

I learned a lot at that school. It’s hard to talk about the school because I still don’t like it, but I learned a lot. The people I met there were really interesting, even though I’ll probably never talk to them again (laughs).

LS: Can you give me an example?

WA: Marshall, who was another gay. I don’t know how it changed me, but he made me realize that you could find love anywhere. Marshall and I did love each other, at least that’s what we think. But it changed how I looked at people. I used to be very into how people looked: if a person didn’t look good, then I couldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t even do drugs with them.

It’s so hard to tell stories. It is so hard.

Just last summer I went to visit my friend Peter, whom I met at Heritage, which is the school’s name, at his house in San Francisco. I took a plane. Second night there I drink a whole bottle of cooking brandy, just ’cause I wanted to get drunk. And he took advantage of me. And then, later that night, he and I took… he took four sleeping pills, and I took 14. I had a seizure, and I went to Marin County Hospital, or something. I never heard from him again (laughs)!

That was maybe two summers ago. I don’t know. It was a while ago. It was the summer after I got out. It was June 2007. I haven’t done drugs since then.

LS: What’s changed between now and then?

WA: Just a change in friends. Sarah has not always been my friend. In fact, in high school she said she didn’t even know who I was. China is incredibly against doing any kind of drug, except for alcohol. All of us drink. I just feel like I don’t need that stuff anymore. It just got old.

I had help from my friends. They’re, like, We don’t want to see you go back there. I’ve had too many near-death situations: I don’t want another heart attack, I don’t want another seizure. I’ve stopped popping pills, and snorting, and smoking. I even stopped smoking cigarettes (laughs).

LS: Do your friends still smoke?

WA: They quit with me. They quit cigarettes with me.

LS: What’s this process of learning? It sounds like for you it’s very experiential.

WA: It is.

LS: Not at all intellectual. Is it emotional? Fear? Fear sounds like it’s a big element. Maybe terror would be a better word.

WA: What do you mean terror?

LS: I mean terror as a palpable sense of something that’s real in a world without much meaning. It’s just that your story has more to do with death than life.

WA: (sighs) I’ve died more than I’ve lived.

LS: Tell me more about your family. You mentioned them before, but you didn’t mention them in the story.

WA: I had a terrible relationship with my father. We fought a lot. We used to hit each other. We don’t fight anymore. We kind of joke around, but it’s not serious. I’m not going to say that we don’t fight anymore, because everyone fights. Like my sister still fights me, and my brother still fights me. Even my mom still fights me on certain things, like taking out the garbage, but it’s not as serious as it used to be.

I used to be very violent… very, very violent. One time my housekeeper, who was my babysitter at the time, wouldn’t let me use the calculator for doing homework, and so I stabbed her… with a pencil.

That was bad. I’d never done anything like that before. I just got so mad so quickly that I thought it was OK (laughs… sighs), but it wasn’t. My dad said I was lucky she didn’t press charges. What could she have pressed charges for? I don’t think it would have killed her. It was right here (pointing to his arm)… (sighs). Oh, what a life.

LS: Where are you in the scheme of things now? As you look at the past, do you see something similar in the future?

WA: I definitely don’t see the same me. I’m not going to do the same things.

LS: What are you going to do? Do you have things that you want to try out?

WA: I don’t know. I know I’m not going to do drugs again! No idea yet. I’m still learning about myself.

My sister and I have changed a lot. She and I are best friends now. Best friends and siblings. And… that just came out of the blue, like I don’t know how that happened.

I woke up one day and she and I were this close. I don’t know. I never talked to her like I did that one day, and now that’s how we talk all the time. It scared me (laughs).

It was the day I came back from the treatment center. And she just… she gave me a hug for the first time ever. She had never given me a hug in my teenage years, ever. It felt like she loved me, and I started to cry. I’ve never gotten a hug from her. So I had to love her back, I just wanted to be the same person that she was to me.

My brother and I still have our problems. But it’s not as serious. He doesn’t threaten to kill me in my sleep anymore with his weapons like he used to. I’m going to use my flip knife, – or whatever it was called – and I’m going to slit your throat in your sleep, (laughs).

I love them all. They’re my family. I just wish some of them wouldn’t do the things that they do, and I bet they wish the same thing for me.

Part of the reason why I was so violent, I think, is because my relationships were violent. I used to get hit, not just by my parents, but also by boyfriends. My friends wouldn’t hit me. That’s what makes me want my friends to approve of someone I like before I start talking to them seriously. My friends have a big influence in my life. Sometimes bad, sometimes good! Like this (referring to the waxing), it hurts (laughs)!

LS: What are your interests? I put everybody in this project into a bin according to their interests. For the younger people it’s a bit contrived, but I do it anyway.

WA: Like what am I interested in?

LS: Yeah, like what are you going to be when you grow up?

WA: I would love to be a photographer. I love taking pictures. Actually, I just started. Most of my pictures are of myself (laughs), in different backgrounds.

LS: How do you do that? Do you hold the camera in front of you, or do you set it on a stand with a self-exposure?

WA: It’s actually not a very good camera. That’s why I wanted to get a better one, but it has this 10-second timer thing. I find somewhere to put it, like a branch or something.

LS: You should get a little tripod. That branch bullshit never works. I find it rarely works.

WA: (Laughs) It doesn’t work, because the branches go like that, and the flash doesn’t get you, it gets the branch. But some of my pictures are nice.

LS: What do you like about them, or is it the process you like?

WA: I love taking the photos, but what I love the most is putting in different effects, like decorating. I use Photoshop. I think it’s fun. I think it’s really fun. My friend Junior is helping me, but it’s kind of awkward. He’s a photographer, a professional, but his boyfriend and I had a thing, so it’s kind of weird. I can’t see Kelly. If I see Kelly, I’ll freak out.

LS: Well, have you thought about school for photography, to take classes? They exist.

WA: Really? I know that at La Cuesta High School there’s a class for photographers.

LS: Have you done other things like that: painting or drawing?

WA: I used to be very artistic. I used to paint and draw. I used to dance. I used to sing.

Most of it was in school, but singing was more professional. I was hired to the Albuquerque Opera in the Albuquerque Children’s Chorus. I sang a solo as Tiny Tim at the Alex Theatre. I sang God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen for a Christmas production.

LS: So it was interesting at the time… but that stuff didn’t touch you?

WA: I got fired! I got fired from each one for bad behavior. I was not a good boy.

LS: Well, a lot of people don’t want to play along, but they usually shape-up when they’re threatened with something. But I guess you didn’t care. Or did it come as a surprise to you that you got fired?

WA: Ha! No, no. I knew what I was doing: I knew that if they found out, I’d get fired, and they did find out – of course they did. It was right in front of them. I was swinging on the props and breaking things, and I cussed out Ann Thompson, the Director of Albuquerque Children’s Chorus.

LS: Did you cuss her out because she deserved it, or because you just enjoyed doing it?

WA: I don’t think she deserved it. I felt like doing it. I just felt like cussing, and she was there.

LS: It sounds a little bit like the family situation. It fits with the whole sort of violent, angry, rebellious approach.

WA: I’m far from violent now.

LS: How about rebellious?

WA: I love rebelling.

LS: You do?

WA: Yeah.

LS: If you can imagine other people in the space where you were a few years ago, people without the clarity that you have now, what could you tell them that would help them get the kind of clarity for themselves that you have now?

WA: I’d say, It comes from yourself, but I really can’t tell them. I wouldn’t want to tell them. I just want them to learn on their own. Do you mean if they were in my shoes, or what?

LS: There are different kinds of shoes. There’s some people who don’t act, they just remain numb. And other people defeat themselves when they act, because they don’t know what to act, or what to act on. I think most people are just bored. Nothing really grabs them. It’s my impression that a lot of people stay that way for the rest of their lives.

WA: Well, I know that’s why I started drugs and stuff, it was because I was bored. I wanted to see what they were like. Curious. Also, I wasn’t happy. But I don’t know what I could say to people to find their clarity.

LS: What about happiness? Did you find your happiness? Would it be better to say it that way?

WA: My happiness is off and on, so it’s still not clear.

LS: But off and on is not the same as being unhappy. Do you mean to say that you’re happy and unhappy, or happy and just sort of neutral?

WA: Happy and then neutral. I’m not sad or anything.

LS: You’re not miserable.

WA: No.

LS: But you used to be?

WA: Oh yeah! I was miserable back then, but now I’m just… here. I’m OK.

LS: Say there were five people just like you at age 13, and you saw the same thing was going to happen to them that happened to you. Could you say anything to them?

WA: If I said something, it wouldn’t help them. People said things to me, I didn’t listen. I didn’t really give a shit.

LS: But if you could say something that they would listen to… What should you have listened to?

WA: Someone told me to think about my family. They did tell me that, and I didn’t think about my family for a second when I was doing those things. Maybe for a second. Maybe I was, like, OK, maybe this will hurt Mom or something. I don’t know.

Maybe I should have listened to that. That’s the only thing I can ever remember anyone ever saying to me: Think about your family. Think about yourself and your family, and who you’re going to hurt. Like, I knew I hurt people, but I didn’t care at the time.

I don’t know what I’d say to people to help them, because they wouldn’t listen. People like me: they’re just not going to listen.

They might listen, keep it somewhere in their mind, and then when they’re done with the process of getting clean and healthy, then they might think about it, like I did. But I still… I wouldn’t know what to say in order to help somebody find happiness or clarity in the future.

2 —

PHANTOM STREET ARTIST

History, Middle Life

Born 1973, New York City, New York

I was introduced to the Phantom Street Artist by Paul Widerman, with whom he wrestled. This may seem ironic unless you understand wrestling is about coming into one’s power, and this is just what an artist strives to achieve with his or her work.

The Phantom Artist grew up on the streets of New York where his option was either to learn or perish. Unlike the often incidental role that learning plays in the life of a student, learning for the Phantom Artist was the essential process of finding meaning and hope. This is learning in its most important sense.

Some of the Phantom Artist’s friends did perish in his stressful and sometimes violent environment, so his reflections bear a sharp edge, similar to Dave Williamson’s reflections on coming of age as a soldier in chapter 14.

If you’re wondering why he has chosen to hide his identity, the answer is fairly obvious: his street art is considered vandalism.

Excerpts

The one thing I’ve learned… is that the most important thing you have is your ability to change your perceptions – thoughts, feelings – into the positive. If you live in regret, you’re not living in the positive, today or tomorrow. So I really don’t have any regrets …

And I wouldn’t change anything, you know, except for the loss of great people in my life, the loss of individuals to insanity, tragedy, and murder. Those are the only things I would change…

My life is a living testimonial. The mentorship process has greatly influenced my life. It provided a respite, a salvation from a broken home that could not offer role models, in a world of contingent values…

"Look for mentors; it’s a very simple learning process. Look for the mentors. Channel, find purpose, and look for your destiny. Search for the moment when opportunity will knock on