The Pariahs: Mother Road

By David Larson

Babe Ruth and the New York Yankees won the 1932 World Series. Afterwards, Ruth and three others, went to Springfield Illinois to do some fishing. As they were returning, Ruth and friends, gave out souvenirs up and down the road know as, 'The Mother Road', Route 66.

After 90 years, autographed baseballs from that trip start becoming targets with arson, theft, and murder. State Police detectives, Beth and Joe Clayton are tasked with finding out who is behind the crimes. The pair were put together as husband and wife to better protect their identity. Their relationship is tenuous at as Beth is constantly annoyed with her new husband. Joe's juvenile humor only hurts his attempt to win the heart of his new wife. Joe Clayton is still struggling to get over the murder of his first wife.

During the search, they come across an unusual cast of characters. They include, Susie Quantrill, a TV reporter who believes she is jinxed. Weatherman Doug Willkie, who has a long time crush on a co-worker and a roommate who has taken over his life. A police techie, known only as Blazer, who has a weird diet but skills as a hacker. Trooper Aretha 'Ree' Franklin helps as Beth's only friend. They find unusual relationships at a trailer park and a TV station. There is a young man who believes he is related to a civil war general and a nurse who enjoys doing first aid in the nude. Does the man with a stolen identity figure in the crimes.

As the historic Mother Road is fading away, the Claytons travel up and down the old road, looking for answers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098360504

Book preview

cover.jpg

Copyright 2021: Dave Larson

The Pariahs: Mother Road

ISBN: 978-1-09836-050-4

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Contents

Tuesday, March 1st

Wednesday, March 2nd

Saturday, March 5th

Tuesday, March 15th

Saturday, April 2nd

Monday April, 4th

Wednesday, April 6th

Saturday, April 9th

Monday, April 11th

Saturday, April 16th

October, 1932

Saturday, April 17th

Monday, April 18th

Five Years Earlier

Tuesday, April 19th

Wednesday, April 20th.

Thursday, April 21th

Friday, April 22nd

Monday, April 25th

Tuesday, April 26th.

Wednesday, April 27th

Thursday, April 28th

Monday, May 2nd

Tuesday, May 3rd.

Wednesday, May 4th

Thursday, May 5th

Friday, May 6th

Saturday, May 7th

Monday, May 9th

Tuesday, May 10th

Wednesday, May 11th, 1 AM

Wednesday, May 11th, 8 am

Thursday, May 12th

Friday May 13th

Saturday, May 14th

Sunday, 5/15 3 AM

8 AM

Monday, May 16th

Tuesday, May 17th

Wednesday, May 18th

2 AM, Thursday, May 19th

7 AM, Thursday, May 19th

10 PM, Thursday, May 19th

Friday, May 20th

7 AM, Saturday May 21st.

Epilogue

Tuesday, March 1st

Satisfied he no longer smelled of pig shit, Detective Joe Clayton arrived at the Illinois State Police headquarters in Metamora a little after noon. As he exited his vehicle and started toward the entrance, Captain August Swanson came out of the building and held up his hand.

Joe, you aren’t allowed in the building until I give you the smell test. I drew the short straw and get to check you out. Your wife and two troopers won’t come near you until I can verify you don’t smell of manure anymore.

Joe Clayton and his wife Beth are two of the highest ranking detectives with the State Police. Both come from different backgrounds and were paired by Swanson to work in his region of the state. Their track record also gives them authority of few others.

Swanson was a 15 year veteran with the State Police and had previously been with the US Marshal Service. He worked thru old contacts with the Marshals to find two detectives, who, if they wanted to be detectives again, had to take the job he offered, with specific conditions. Both Clayton’s had been in witness protection after testifying against fellow officers, which made them pariahs. Swanson pulled strings and got the two from different parts of the country and pronounced them married, to each other. A marriage that wasn’t something either expected. They were given new identities and were told to live together. It was designed as a misdirection for those who might want to locate either one. The marriage was something that put a smile on Joe’s face but a look of disgust on Beth’s.

Cappy, what were you told and why are you sniffing the car?

If you don’t stop calling me Cappy, your new nickname will be Crappy. I know you got tripped into a pile of natural fertilizer. Your co-workers made you drive home by yourself. And I am going to assume you slept by yourself.

Swanson opened the car door and sniffed. The inside smells like pine, that’s ok. I guess the detailers were able to clean the seat you soiled. It does smell like your tires may have driven through a pile or two but that’s ok. Come here, I need to sniff you.

All right Augie Doggie, sniff my butt. I guess that’s what you pooches do when meeting someone?

"I smell a lot of Old Spice today. You must shop in the old man section of the drug store. I trust you got rid of your other clothes as I doubt a dry cleaner would even touch them. Let’s walk inside and you tell me your side of the story".

I actually raided your bathroom cabinet just so I would smell like my hero, the Captain.

Keep it up and your next expense report might get lost.

Joe Clayton was in his early 50’s, 6’2" and 220 lbs. His shaggy, light brown hair was streaked with grey and his three day growth of beard was almost completely grey. He was still fit but showed signs of wear and tear. His nose had been broken at least twice. He slightly favored his left leg when walking, due to being slashed with a knife. Even though he had taken three bullets one time, he was fit and ready to work.

He didn’t look like most detectives. Since he was in WITSEC, his identity needed to be protected. He was the exception that makes the rule. The Marshal Service did not want either Joe or Beth to go back into police work, but their talents were too good to waste. So Joe wore cowboy boots, jeans, and work shirts with a casual sport coat. A news boy cap was always present. He looked like the third baseman on your rec league softball team or the foreman at a construction site.

"Beth and I found the old farm house. It was abandoned but was still drawing power. Around back we found a barn that couldn’t be seen from the road. The few windows in the barn were covered but cracks in the framework let light shine out. There was a new model Chevy van behind a tree. As we watched the house, two men would exit and reenter frequently. Both wore masks. This was the meth lab we had been looking for.

We called Troopers Franklin and Alvarado for back up. They arrived quickly. Once on scene, Beth and Franklin went to the front of the barn while Alvarado went with me to the back. We agreed that Beth would wait five minutes before announcing our presence. Once she pounded on the door, one man raced out the front and was snared by Franklin. I was told it was a beautiful clothes line take down. The other man came out the back and flew by us toward an old chicken coop and sty. As I closed in to grab him, he ducked, tripping me, into a pile of some brand of shit. What brand, I don’t know. All I know is that it smelled bad".

So our Miss Franklin could take down a perp in no time and you were startled or frightened, and let a bad guy race by you. Are you losing a step old timer?

"No sir, I expected him to go right and he went to the left. Anyway, Officer Alvarado quickly cuffed the perp. Beth had entered the barn and come out confirming this was a meth lab. She laughed when she saw what I was covered in. I know she thought it was about time I got some comeuppance for the crap I put her through. She called for the crime scene crew to come and do their thing. We waited till they arrived. They strongly insisted I stand downwind.

Beth and Franklin took one perp in a cruiser while Alvarado took the other. I was told I wasn’t welcome to meet up with them until I could prove I was smell worthy of their company. Do you approve"?

Swanson laughed and smiled. Even though he had heard the story before, he still was amused. So Franklin takes down someone with a clothes line and you knocked the other guy over with your smell. That was very creative of you. Come on in, your buddy Blazer wants to give you something.

As the two entered the complex, a young techie known as Blazer waved and came to greet the detective. Blazer had been helpful in other cases and seemed to have bonded with Joe. Most of the force looked down on the techie. He had dyed his hair orange and fashioned a kind of mullet haircut. Like many computer geeks, he was pudgy and self-conscious.

He preferred to eat items that were orange in color, like cheddar cheese and cheese crackers. He would then eat carrots to help with the constipation. His drinks of choice were orange juice and orange soda. Joe liked that Blazer would do almost anything he was asked. Nor did he look down on the techie and became a father figure, something that was missing from his young life.

Joe-Bro, I heard you dove right into your latest case. I was told you are the type of guy who won’t say shit, even if you have a mouthful. Is that true? I know you’re not the kind of guy to turn in your cow chips in the face of adversity. Swanson had to chuckle along with Blazer.

Joe snarled at the techie, You’ve got some good ones today. Would you be willing to launder my clothes from yesterday?

No deal dude. My motto is keep your shit to yourself.

Another good one, if you keep it up, your cheese supplier just might find another mouse to feed.

Joe-Bro, you know I’m your guy. I’ve got something for you. Come to my cubby hole when you get a chance.

Joe went and found his partner. Beth Clayton was about half of Joe’s weight and a head shorter. While Joe had a commanding presence, Beth was actually more of a bad ass. And Joe was fond of reminding her of her ass, which she found as annoying as he found attractive. Beth was already thin but partial to wearing black jeans, black tops, black jackets, and a black fedora. Her clothes made her look even smaller. It also concealed how tough she was. Her dirty blond hair was pulled into a ponytail which made her look younger and belie her age.

Beth had been the highest ranking detective in the Pacific Northwest when she discovered corruption within her own department. She rooted out fellow officers on the take, along with several local politicians. She ended up divorcing her husband, who was also on the police force, over her willingness to testify against her own co-workers. Once she was off the stand, she was a pariah and went into witness protection. Then it was off to another part of the country.

Beth Clayton was in her mid-forties and more than willing to get physical if necessary. She proved herself by being tougher than other cadets in the academy. Her fourth degree black belt meant she could handle herself.

She wasn’t prepared to have a husband thrust into her life. One, who fell hopelessly in love with his new wife. A feeling Beth wasn’t sure if she wanted to return.

They meet in their office. Sweet cheeks, do I smell okay now? It should be safe for you to visit me in the basement. What do we have next?

"I’m glad you don’t smell of crap anymore but you need to lighten up on the Old Spice. I’m guessing you’re staying in a retirement center and swiping cologne".

Hey, I can’t win. You don’t like it when I smell like shit and you don’t like it when I smell good. When am I going to be invited to visit your part of our home?

I don’t see that happening. You’ve got the basement and I’ve got the upstairs. You may think we’re really married but you still haven’t won me over.

Before I go see our son Blazer. What’s next on our agenda?

You will be filling out arrest reports. And make sure Franklin and Alvarado are listed as the arresting officers. I hope you haven’t adopted that kid. I don’t want children.

Joe found Blazer in a room that barely qualified as a large walk-in closet. The shelves were covered with action figures of superheroes. His desk was covered with a half dozen monitors and keyboards. Several open bags of cheese doodles were scattered about.

Joe, thanks for coming. I have something for you. Blazer opened a drawer and took out two action figures, which looked like Beth and Joe.

What do think? I’ve got a buddy with a 3D printer. We’re going to make a couple dozen of these. You can give them out to kids when you do talks at elementary schools. Girls will like the Beth figurine and boys will like yours.

Blaze, I’m impressed. I’m going to say you didn’t run this by Swanson first.

No, of course not. He doesn’t seem to like me. I hear him talking about my hair. I’m just trying to maintain my online persona and still fight crime. These little Claytons will help.

I’m flattered. Whose idea was it to make the Beth doll a bit top heavy?

They’re not dolls, they are action figures.

With a rack like that, she’d get a lot of action. Here’s why you can’t keep making them. You should realize that we don’t act or look like any of the other investigators in the state. We don’t wear suits or uniforms. We need to keep people from knowing we are detectives. You don’t see our names in the papers or see us on TV news programs. We don’t have pictures taken of ourselves. We need to stay off the radar so the bad guys don’t know who or where we are.

Ok, but what’s wrong with kids playing with their little Joe?

Be careful when using the term ‘little Joe’. It’s a bit hard to explain but I’ll try. Oh hell, the explanation is hard, not little Joe. Forget what I just said. Think about the meth lab we shut down yesterday. We were watching the guys we arrested. We watched them while they watched us, for weeks.

That doesn’t make any sense. Wow, I just realized what you meant about little Joe being hard.

Let me continue. We wanted them to see us at a gas station. In line at a fast food restaurant. At the grocery store. We wanted them to think we were just normal people who lived in the area and ignore us. That way, they wouldn’t think we were cops. And they did see us and paid no attention while we were compiling Intel as to what they were doing. Now, let’s say we were in a restaurant, a couple tables over from the bad guys. We could be eating a meal, not paying attention to what they were doing. In comes a family with children. A boy and a girl have their Joe and Beth dolls. And they are playing that the dolls are fighting each other.

They are not dolls. Well, maybe the Beth one is a doll but you are an action figure.

Enough, let me finish. The kids are playing and suddenly realize we are at the next table. ‘Daddy, there’s the detectives who looks just like our toys. Can we go talk to them’? Guess who just realized they were being watched, by the police.

I get it. You could be comprised. We won’t make anymore. Can I keep the set I have already?

You can keep them if I can borrow them for one night.

By the way, have you seen the website about Susie Q? It’s hilarious.

No, who is Susie Q? Some hot rock star who’ve got the blaze for?

Hey, I like that. You changed the hots to my nickname. But no, she’s not a singer, she’s a reporter for News 54 at noon. She has a ton of on the air screw ups. There’s a fan website devoted to her. And I have the blaze for her.

I don’t get a chance to watch the news at noon.

You don’t need to watch the news. Blazer loaded the website and clicked on one of the videos. "Check this one out, she’s got the hiccups and can’t stop. She keeps trying to interview some farmer about a coyote he caught in his chicken coop. She’s holding the microphone in front of the farmer and each time she hiccups, the microphone hits him in the nose. After he got hit three times, he takes the microphone and basically interviews himself.

Here’s another one where a goat comes up to her as she is talking to some guy about his horses. The goat starts eating her skirt".

The video shows Susie trying to push the goat away, which only makes it more aggressive. She then hits the goat on the nose with the microphone and the goat grabs the microphone and runs off.

You’re right, these clips are funny. She’s a pretty girl who seems to have bad luck. How many of these videos are there?

So far there’s been about a dozen loaded on somebody’s website. Say, if you ever meet her, would you ask her for an autographed picture?

Blazer, my young friend. If I ever meet this girl, I’ll ask.

Joe went and found his wife, I’ll get to work on the reports. Do we have any other assignment?

We were to be in the office to interview some candidates for the academy, but that was delayed. So we get to catch up on paperwork. Then we get to ride with a couple troopers who are up for their one year review. Swanson wants our input as to how effective they are.

What’s with the interviews?

Swanson wants us to read thru resumes and profiles of a couple dozen candidates for the academy. He thinks we can tell who might be a good addition. And we are to interview all of them.

So we are to evaluate the rookie troopers and then interview for possible cadets. I wasn’t aware our job was in administration?

We are part of team. We do what we are asked to do.

If I come back tomorrow, to help with the reports, and don’t smell spicy, can I sit with you? Maybe hold your hand from time to time? Maybe give you a neck and shoulder rub?

At least you’re not swinging for the fences but you keep swinging to make contact. We’ll talk tonight. You’re in charge of dinner. And don’t bring home fried chicken. I’d like some sweet and sour pork. You can get your moo goo as usual.

Joe took out the action figures out of his pocket and made like they were kissing. Beth and Joe, sitting in a tree, K I S S ing. Does this give you any ideas?

Whose wishful thinking put the rack on my doll?

A fella can dream can’t he? Joe got punched in the arm as Beth walked away.

Wednesday, March 2nd

Veronica Pope woke up when she realized someone was staring at her. Doug, what the hell? What time is it?

It’s three AM, I’ve got to get to the station.

Okay, go. I don’t have to be there until 10:30. What are you looking at?

Your camisole had slipped, exposing you. I was going to tell you. I thought you’d be more comfortable under wraps and I was afraid they, I mean you, might catch cold.

I assume, that is how you refer to my chest. At least you don’t have names for them. Or do you? Oh, just get out of my bedroom and stop staring at me when I sleep.

Veronica, it’s my bedroom. I’ve let you stay here for weeks but wonder when your condo will be finished. I thought you’d sleep on my couch and not take my bedroom.

"Doug, you’re young. You could sleep in your car and not look any different. Let’s be honest, you’re a bit goofy looking anyway. I need to get a good night’s sleep. I won’t look as hot as I do if I sleep on a couch.

Ok, if it will make you feel better, I’ll sleep naked from time to time so you can sneak a peek when you come in to use the potty. But since you’ve looked, how does my rack compare to that of the princess"?

You’re bigger but I like hers a lot. They’re kind of squishy.

Yeah, yeah, you somehow felt up princess imperfect. Get out and go to work.

But, you need to move your car, it’s blocking me in.

My keys are on my dresser, you move my car and put the keys back where you found them. Anytime you need to move the car, just do it. If you don’t let me get back to sleep, I might not let you see a little more.

Veronica, it’s my dresser. I’ll move the cars but if I do, maybe, we could be more like boyfriend, girlfriend. I was hoping when you moved in, we could be, closer.

Be happy with what I show you. That’s close enough for now. Just go to work. Bring home a couple steaks for dinner. I’ll see you at the station.

Saturday, March 5th

Doug put his hand on Veronica’s shoulder and started shaking her, "Veronica, wake up, this has to end. You’ve taken over my apartment. And the optimal word is my. You need to find someplace else to stay while your condo is being completed.

The news director is complaining about my work. I’m tired all the time and keep making mistakes. I said Cox Knowledge reported 30 inches of perspiration when I meant Knox College had three inches of precipitation".

I guess you finally got a few hairs growing down there. But how dare you wake me up, go to work. You just had a bad day. If you have something to say, say it tonight when dinner is ready.

I’m not making any more dinners for you. You don’t contribute to the rent or food or anything. It’s like I’m your servant. I’m surprised you don’t have me bathe you also. Wait, could we take a bath together?

With her head down, she moved his hand to her chest, then slowly started, "Doug, I have a confession to make and this isn’t easy. I know you look at me as a sexy, successful TV anchor. I know you touch me when you think I’m sleeping, like you are doing now. I let you as I have a problem and it now seems like the time to admit something.

If you weren’t so nice, I wouldn’t be saying this, but I trust you. I’m broke. I have no place to go. All of my salary goes to paying bills. I even let the repo man motorboat the girls when I pay him so he’ll take half what I owe each month, so I can keep my car.

You’re the one good thing I have left in my life. Marlo is trying to get rid of me. My cousin has lost faith in me. My ex-husband is broke. And I should have the future that Susie Q. is destined to have".

I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean by motorboat the girls. Do you have daughters you haven’t told me about? Do they go for boat rides with this repo guy you mention?

Douglas, I need to sleep in the bed but I’m willing to share with you. I might also be willing to, to help, to help you become a man. You don’t have any STD’s do you?

You mean we can sleep together?

Yes Doug, we can sleep together and maybe do something a little more, if you know what I mean.

I’m not sure if I have any STD. I have a different brand of condoms I’ve been saving for the right time.

I guess it’s every woman’s dream to teach a dog a few tricks.

Dogs aren’t allowed in this building. If you really mean it, my old frat buddies won’t believe this.

You are so innocent. Please don’t go around talking about our arrangement at work. You might get fired as this could be considered sexual harassment and we both lose our place to live. I’ve been thinking about something. I have an idea on how we both can make some money, but I need your help. Are you in?

I don’t know, is it legal? Will I have to sleep with people for money?

No. I do know of some things that we can sell to get some extra cash. They are with my ex-husband but we need to verify what he has first. And how much they might be worth. He has a little file cabinet next to his desk at the station. He has a folder in it that lists some baseball stuff. Get that folder for me and we’ll see what we need to do next. Now, please take your hand off me and go to work.

Will he give us the stuff? I thought he hated you.

No, he won’t give it to us, you’ll have to go get it.

You mean steal it?

God you are dense. He got this stuff while we were married. He hid it from the divorce assets. It’s rightfully mine. His story changed from being valuable to being just odds and ends collectables. I think they have value. My guess is he has the stuff in a storage locker at his sister’s apartment. If you get the list of things from his file cabinet, we can start researching how much they are worth. Get the list this morning before the station becomes too busy. He won’t be there until seven. Once we know what he has, you can go get them from the locker. He once said they were valuable, if they are, we should be able to sell them easily.

It sounds like you want me to steal and maybe break and enter. That’s two crimes. If the stuff is yours, why don’t you go get it?

It’s not really stealing. You will be returning things back to me, the rightful owner. He’s hiding them from me. And I can’t go get it, as he’ll know I took it. We don’t want him to know who has it. That’s why you will need to get the stuff while I’m on the air. No one would suspect me as I would have an on-air-tight alibi. We can then sell the crap and make some money. And I’ll give you half since you have been so kind as to take me in.

Will I still be able to share my bed with you?

If you do this, we could be getting several thousand dollars. For that kind of money, I’ll share the bed with you and even sleep naked. I’ll even give you a show you won’t forget. But any help toward you becoming a man won’t happen until I know you have committed.

Does that mean, we can, you know?

If you don’t know what you know is, I’m probably not the one to teach you what to know. Just do as I say. Now, go to work.

Tuesday, March 15th

The reporter was getting steamed as her tush was being used for target practice as men walked by. Ow, would you guys stop. If you don’t, I’ll make sure my cameraman doesn’t show you on camera.

Susie Quantrill was an attractive 25 year old who had a degree in communications from a state college in Pontiac Illinois. She had first been hired as an aide to the news anchor but her pretty face and ability to read copy, proved hard to keep off the air.

She was then used as the perky and smiling face reporter of News 54 in Peoria. She was on the noon news almost daily, covering, what she says are, the most mundane stories in the state. The station calls them fluff pieces. She looks like hundreds of other female reporters around the country. Susie is tall, and thin, with flowing brunette hair. She may be thin but has the same curves as her hair. She enjoys windy days as she thinks the wind whipping her hair around is sexy. Which she hopes will lead her to a bigger market. Her big green eyes also give her a look of innocence. She has the look of sex and yet also virginal.

Today she is wearing a nurse’s outfit, circa 1860, covering the annual reenactment of the Battle of Atlanta. As she was talking to her cameraman, Yankee troops kept walking by and swatting her on the behind.

Can you do anything to keep these guys from grabbing my ass? I’m going to be black and blue by the time we leave here. There hasn’t been this much attention to my butt since the orgies we had in the sorority.

The cameraman’s mouth dropped open, Say again.

I’m just joking. I was the ugly duckling in college. No one wanted to date me, but really, can’t you get these perverts to stop using my butt for target practice? You know your eyes get wide when I mention butt.

Hey, what can I say? You have a great ass. If it could talk, ratings would never bottom out. How do you like that for a comeback? As for the soldiers, I guess it must be part of the history or tradition of this battle.

Yeah, there’s going to be a battle if someone else gropes me. Ow, there was another one. Hey dippy, you need to apologize, that actually hurt. And your uniforms smell of sweat, pee, and moth balls. It’s not pleasant.

The cameraman was filming some of the troops in the background to be spliced into the clip on the evening news. This afternoon was a live feed from the site.

The pair was approached by a short, stocky man wearing a Yankee uniform with gold bars. He took off his hat and bowed. I’m Tony Steenstra. I’m here to talk about what we do in the reenactment.

Steenstra looked the part of a Yankee officer. He had a shaved head and a goatee that any Billie would be proud of. He may have been several inches under six foot but he carried himself with an air of authority.

Ouch. Tony, can you tell these perverts to stop swatting my tush. It’s starting to get really sore.

Miss Quantrill, it’s tradition that the troops pat the arse of the nurses before going into battle. They believe it brings them good luck. Nurses during the War Between the States rode horses or in buckboards. Their arses would have been well calloused. You wouldn’t want our boys to get hurt now would you?

So far, I’m the only one hurting. Do you think I can file a workman’s comp claim? Would a claim for a bruised butt be considered?

The cameraman kept filming the troops and was talking with a copy writer in the studio at the same time.

I’ve got about ten minutes before we go live here. Do you have the background for Susie’s script? She likes to go over the script before we go live.

As more troops tried to walk by Susie, she kept ducking behind and around the cameraman. Steenstra was amused at the dance the nurse was doing.

Susie Q., we go live in five. There’s a block of weird animals selling insurance and then Doug will give a weather update. Colonel, when I get the notice we will go live, I’ll count down with one hand. When I point to Susie, she’ll start talking. She’ll turn to you when she’s ready.

Son, I’m not a Colonel.

Yeah I know, and you’re not 180 years old.

The reporter was reading the script on her cell phone. Miss Quantrill, that phone can’t be seen as we are historical accurate. We don’t wear wrist watches or sneakers and blue jeans.

I guess being on TV was accurate in the 1860’s. Don’t worry, I’ll hold the phone low, unless I need to bean some guy for going too deep with a thumb.

Susie, we’re on in five seconds. The cameraman started the countdown with his fingers, when he pointed to Susie, she started.

"Good afternoon, this is Susie Quantrill for News 54 at noon. Today we are just outside of Waynesville in a state park for the reenactment of the Battle of Atlanta. The real battle actually took place in Georgia but we are close to Atlanta, Illinois, so it makes sense to reenact the fight here, southeast of Peoria. This battle was fought and won by the Yankee army as General Sherman led his troops on the march to the sea".

I have an officer with me, sir, would you identify yourself. Ouch. Sorry folks, I keep getting swatted on the behind.

With a commanding voice, I am Captain Claude Montgomery of the Union forces. We here to help our commander push his way to the sea. Miss Quantrill, on behalf of myself and my troops, we are honored to have such a young and pretty nurse here today. I do trust that you aren’t a spy for Quantrill’s raiders.

Susie jumped as she was swatted again. This time it was loud enough to be picked up by the microphone.

Miss Quantrill, it seems the lads have rallied behind you. It’s good luck for the troops to play patty cakes with the nurse’s bum before battle. May I give you a pat also?

Ow, there’s another one. No, you can’t swat me anymore. And I’ll starting by kicking your arse if anyone else grabs mine. You’d think I have a prostate as that last guy went in deep. Go away, I didn’t sign on for this type of abuse.

The cameraman had cut the feed before Susie got too out of hand. They retreated to the news van. Susie quickly got inside while the cameraman talked to the studio.

Marlo, Susie’s a trooper but she doesn’t deserve this type of abuse.

Nor can we promise to do remotes and then have the reporter go off in a huff. By the way, thanks for keeping things from getting out of hand. Between you and me, I think the video replay will be popular.

On the air, Veronica was caught chuckling on camera. "How does the saying go, ‘a goose in the butt is better than two in the bush’. I’m not sure if that’s correct. We’ll ask Susie the next time we see her. Now for a