An Unconscious Mestiza: A Collection of Memoir Stories

By Selys Rivera

Puerto Rico, the US, PR, the United States, blurring the separation the Atlantic Ocean attempts to do to my blood. I'm a rope in a tug of war. I'm the border. I'm two places at once and yet neither of them entirely. If neither feels like mine, then how can it be sad?

 

Or maybe, that's exactly why it is.

 

The girl with the light skin, brown eyes, and straight, dark-brown hair, who speaks better English than Spanish. I realize that, deep down, I'm not that different. Maybe I do belong after all.

 

I am una mestiza.

 

---

 

At just four years old, Selys Rivera's life had already changed forever. As her biological parents separated, she had to leave the comforts of her Puerto Rican homeland for the unknown landscape waiting for her in Massachusetts.

 

In An Unconscious Mestiza: A Collection of Memoir Stories, Selys Rivera openly shares her mental health challenges and grief as she tries to figure out what being Puerto Rican, American, and a woman means to her. Her shattered youth and move to a new culture created the challenges that she faces in these pages as the reader shares the stories that unfold into an intricate mosaic of a victorious life.

 

Powerful and relatable, Selys Rivera's memoirist debut is a reminder that just a little love, forgiveness, acceptance, and faith can go a long way toward healing and a true sense of wholeness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Worth a Read Too, LLC.
• Release date: Apr 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393375012

Selys Rivera

Originally from Puerto Rico, Selys Rivera considers herself a queer, God-loving, and social justice-obsessed chica.  Selys has published articles, poems, and stories in magazines, anthologies, and literary journals, as well as books. Her favorite genres to write in are YA/NA Fiction, Memoir, and Poetry. In her free time, you can find her reading too many books, spending time with loved ones, or playing with her red Dachshund named Ketchup. Follow her on TikTok @SelysRiveraWrites to stay connected. Author photo by Selys Rivera.

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Copyright

Copyright © 2021 by Worth a Read Too, LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be

reproduced in any manner without written

permission of the copyright owner except for the use of

quotations in a book review or academic paper.

First edition January 2021

Cover Design by Paula Vélez.

Follow her @pau.doodles_95

Published by Worth a Read Too, LLC.

United States of America

Disclaimer

The stories within this collection are based on the author’s memory to the best of her knowledge. However, the human memory is imperfect, and memoirs are a work of creative nonfiction. As a result, the author has taken creative liberties for the purpose of storytelling. At times, events are combined, conversations are condensed, and material is supplemented through the use of common sense.

In addition, the author acknowledges that the characters portrayed in this work may have different points of view on what occurred that are just as valid as hers. To preserve the privacy and integrity of said characters, names have been omitted and some identifying details altered.

Praise

I read your book. It was amazing! I felt like I was living the experience by the way you described everything. Thank you for allowing me to experience your book and your story. It was a pleasure and an honor. Definitely a must read, in my opinion, to everyone.

- Michelle Archival, Latin-American Singer*

SELYS RIVERA DESCRIBES the journey of being raised bilingual and belonging to two nationalities at the same time. By day, she is American at school. By night, she is Puerto Rican at home. She shares the struggle she faced to come into her own as a mestiza. Along her journey, we also see the ups and downs of family life. One moment feeling close to our mothers and the next wanting to be independent and figure out who we are. It’s a coming-of-age novel that we barely hear. A story that might not have ever been told, yet so common to so many young mestiza Latinx women.

- Sandy Munroe, Transformational Writer*

* RECEIVED A COPY FROM the author in the hopes of an honest review.

Trigger Warnings

Some of the triggers in this book include:

Death

Discrimination (i.e. ethnicity, gender, legal status, nationality, and race)

Divorce

Grief

Mental health

Physical health

Religion

Self-harm

Sexual harassment

Suicidal ideation

Unhealthy relationships

If at any point you’re triggered, there are resources available to you:

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (United States) or visit www.crisistextline.org.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline): Call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit www.rainn.org.

Introduction

The moment I identified as a writer, I decided I wanted to write a memoir. I didn’t know exactly what in my life was interesting enough to write a book about, but the idea was there. When I found out I could do a creative option for my senior thesis in college, I finally decided: my struggle with finding my identity as a Puerto Rican-American (cisgender) woman.

It’s been a lifelong struggle that I didn’t realize is common until I took a multi-ethnic literature course in college. Among the articles, short stories, and novels we read, I found a connection; I was no longer alone. There were suddenly terms to describe the emotional turmoil I’d been through – alienation, othering, hybridity. Just as I found myself in these terms, I’d like these terms to help others find themselves in my memoir collection.

I want my memoir to take part in this multicultural conversation with other writers who’ve struggled before me to find who they are – Esmeralda Santiago, Sandra Cisneros, Julia Alvarez, Gloria Anzaldúa, Fae Myenne Ng, Zora Neale Hurston, etc. Hopefully, my writing will help and inspire readers the way these writers have helped and inspired me.

For my bilingual and bicultural readers, I hope you can see your own experience reflected in these pages. I want you to feel understood. For those who aren’t, I’d like to give you a heads up that I didn’t actively translate the Spanish throughout my memoir collection for a reason. I want you to experience just a hint of what it feels like to be alienated, to feel other, like you don’t belong or are missing out on a joke. Then, when you do understand via context clues, I want you to feel pride in overcoming the language barrier, as we do!

Just in case, though, I’ve included the English translations of the first three stories, which are fully or mostly in Spanish, at the end of the book in the Appendices for my non-Spanish speaking readers. I’ve tried to keep in italics what was originally in English, if applicable, to help the reader distinguish the times when I cross the boundaries between the two languages. However, it’s my hope that you’ll challenge yourself to read through the whole collection of stories from start to finish, allowing yourself to sit with the discomfort, before turning to the back of the book.

Of course, the decision is yours to make.

While I’m at it, I want to emphasize that this is a collection of stories. The book is not meant to be read as a novel. Each chapter is meant to be a standalone story, making its own point. However, by reading all of the stories in the collection, my hope is that any reader can grasp an overall, broader message.

As for the missing names, there are two reasons there. Not only do I want to protect my loved ones, but I also want my story to be as universal as possible. That’s why I refer to people based on their relationship to me, just like you may think of the people in your own life. You don’t need to recall someone’s name when you can picture them in your head, right?

So, without further ado, welcome to our universe!

Blanco y Negro*

Yo no entiendo.

No entiendo por qué estamos en el aeropuerto.

No entiendo por qué yo tengo mi mochila, Mami tiene su cartera y maleta, pero Papi no tiene nada.

No entiendo por qué Mami tiene la cara mojada y por qué Papi le está hablando tan molesto.

No entiendo por qué Papi me está abrazando tan fuerte y por qué me sigue recordando que él me ama.

No entiendo por qué Mami y yo nos montamos en el avión y Papi no.

No entiendo por qué vamos a quedarnos con una tía que no conozco en un lugar que se llama Massachusetts en los Estados Unidos.

No entiendo por qué vamos a dejar atrás a Puerto Rico.

No entiendo por qué Mami no quiere contestar todas mis preguntas.

No entiendo que dejo de ser solamente puertorriqueña en este momento.

No entiendo que, desde este instante, todo va a cambiar.

* FOR ENGLISH VERSION, please see Appendix A.

Inglés*

Ella es mi única amiga en pre-kínder porque ella habla español. Yo no tengo otros amigos porque los otros nenes no me entienden. Ellos hablan inglés y yo – aunque no sé lo que es inglés exactamente – por lo menos sé que significa palabras raras que no entiendo.

Un día me siento con mi amiga y los nenes me miran, como es de costumbre. Yo siempre sé que están hablando de mí porque me miran y hablan sus palabras sin sentido. Pero este día en particular, un nene le dice algo a mi amiga en sus palabras raras y me mira a la misma vez.

¿Qué él dijo? yo le pregunto a mi amiga, confundida.

Él quiere saber si le prestas tus gafas.

Yo miro para abajo, a donde mis gafas violetas cuelgan de mi camisa. No me gusta que los nenes le hablen a mi amiga como si yo no estuviera ahí. Algo tiene que cambiar. Cuelgo mis gafas en mi mano y le miro a mi amiga con propósito.

¿Cómo se dice ‘gafas’ en inglés?

"Sunglasses."

¿Son glase?

"No. Sunglasses."

"Sunglasses."

Si, exacto.

Miro al nene. Él sigue callado, escuchando el español que yo me imagino suene igual de raro a él como el inglés me suena a mi. Le sonrío y, aunque no me gusta como suenan las palabras raras sobre mi lengua, se las ofrezco como amistad.

"Sunglasses, yes?"

El se sonríe también. "Yes. Thank you."

Como un