Missionary

By Ian O. Lewis

“I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it with you.”

Brig- After being disowned by my family, I struck out on my own. I landed in a new city, far away from everything I’d ever known. Creating a new life was hard, but I found a job in a bookstore I loved. For years I hid behind books, afraid to discover what life had to offer. But, in the blink of an eye, my dream job vanished. Fate intervened, and a handsome, successful restaurateur hired me as his personal assistant. Day after day I worked with Fernando, while the heat between us grew smoldering hot. The attraction was immediate, and when I spied on him skinny dipping in his pool, I almost gave in to temptation. But I needed to keep this job. Instead of giving in to my urges, I stuffed them deep inside. Until one day I couldn’t keep my secret crush inside any longer.

Fernando-  For twenty years I worked my fingers to the bone. As a result, I now owned a chain of successful, upscale restaurants, and had an enormous bank balance. It only had one drawback, one that I never expected. I was lonely, and for the first time in my life, wondered if I had done the right thing by ignoring my heart. When I first met my new personal assistant, there was an instant connection. His deep, green eyes reassured me when I felt lost, and soon I wanted more from him than a boss/employee relationship. Brig was younger than me, and I couldn’t imagine he’d ever want to take our professional relationship to a much more personal level. But when I saw one of my employees putting the make on him, I wanted to explode. Should I take a chance on Brig, or should I keep pretending that love didn’t matter?

Missionary is a standalone novel about two men ignoring their hearts until they laid eyes on each other. This is the second edition of Missionary, and it has been substantially rewritten.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cruz Publishing
• Release date: Sep 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9788835896852

Ian O. Lewis

Ian O. Lewis is the bestselling author of The Boys of Oregon Hill series and other LGBT novels.

Book preview

Lewis

Prologue

Brig- 12 Years Ago

Pack your bags and get out. Dad’s forehead wrinkled up and his eyes narrowed. He had caught me off guard, and I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him right. His massive form filled the doorway of my bedroom. My heart raced, and it took me a moment to gather the courage to speak.

Dad, I’m sorry, I don’t understand? What have I done? I—

You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female. It is an abomination, written in Leviticus, and we follow God’s law in this house. His left fist punched his right palm as he said this, though his expression was neutral. Dad’s voice was also monotone, which meant extreme anger. The more he controlled his emotions, the more I had to fear. Backing away, I crashed into the wall behind me. Startled, I hit my head, and Dad’s voice continued to strike out.

I spoke with the bishop who advised me to be lenient. Dad took a step closer. I allowed you to stay through graduation. Well, now you are an adult. Pack up your belongings and get out of my house. He sneered, the only emotion he allowed on his otherwise blank face. I stared into his hard, green eyes, trying to fathom what I was hearing. For a moment, I thought I saw something, a glimmer of hope perhaps? Dad’s eyes dropped from my gaze, and his feet turned, then he stalked out of the room as ominously as he’d entered it.

So few words were said that I couldn’t quite comprehend what was happening, except I had to leave, and the sooner the better. Father was a quiet man, rarely speaking words when his actions communicated more effectively. And he’d been physically violent before. There was no way I wanted to provoke him.

The tassel from my graduation cap was tickling my cheek. I took it off and tossed it on my unmade bed. 

How could he know? I groaned, then sank down onto the mattress. I’d done nothing with a guy before, because of exactly what was happening to me now. I thought I’d hidden it better. My plan had been to lie low and work for a year to save money, then join my friends at Brigham Young University.

Shit. Money. What the hell am I going to do about money? I only have a few hundred dollars saved, and without work…

The bedroom door flung open. Mom entered the room with an empty knapsack in her hands. She sat down next to me, patted my cheek and sighed. My eyes squeezed shut, then I felt her hand stroking my forehead, but only for a moment. I felt her standing up next to me, so I opened my eyes. She meandered around the room, her fingertips flitting over the furniture. When she reached the door, I wondered if she would say or do anything to help me. Or, was she as convinced as Dad that I was some sort of abomination, a revolting byproduct of her sinful loins?

You should have been careful, reading such shameful books, leaving them just lying around. Arrogance has cost you your family, that and your disgusting… needs. Her voice was loud enough to be heard throughout the house, but her expressions and actions were the opposite of her hateful words. You think you are smarter than us? An intellectual? You really believe that? Your path is leading you from the righteous Brigham, and we’ll have no part of it. Get your things and be gone.

Tears streamed from her eyes, her round red face squished up tight like I’d never seen before. Her left hand pointed at the bag she’d left on the bed, and I saw two small envelopes sticking out of an inner pocket of the knapsack. She pulled a damp handkerchief out of her jeans’ pocket and wiped her tears away, her back arching as she made her face stoic once more. She slowly turned around, her fingers trembling as they reached for the doorknob, then she too walked out of my life.

* * *

I’d not been as careful as I should have been. My school books were kept on top of those I’d checked out from the library. Those damn books I’d collected and handled so carefully, like they were made of gold. 

I shut my eyes, and with each hand I pulled a book off the shelf to pack with my belongings. I glanced down at the first one.

This could’ve tipped them off. I mumbled, then tossed it on the bed next to my bag. The City And The Pillar by Gore Vidal. My glance shifted to the book in my other hand.

Oh, hell no. 

The Book of Mormon. 

I tossed it to the floor and kicked it under the bed.

My hiding place under the floorboards in the closet was where I kept certain books, and that magazine I knew would get me in trouble. I walked into the closet and pushed the old chest I had on top of the loose floorboards aside, then opened it. My throat shut, and I struggled to breathe.

It was empty.

They’d snooped and found my secret stash of porn. I wondered what Dad thought about that magazine?

Why the hell did they snoop? Probably, because I didn’t enjoy playing volleyball, or going to endless church dinners and socials. 

During church they probably noticed my stifled yawns, and they knew I was reluctant to go on a mission, unlike my father who called it the best time of his life. The thought of going to some strange town to convert people to a faith I thought was ludicrous at best…

Whatever. I pushed the chest back into place. Hopefully, I won’t starve to death in an alley. 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I placed my face in my hands. I had about $700 in my savings account, money earned from tutoring my classmates. It wouldn’t get me far. Maybe a week or two in a cheap hotel if I was lucky. 

Summer meant light clothing, so I could pack a few more things than if it’d been winter. I placed a pair of sneakers and some flip-flops on the bottom, then layers of underwear and socks on top. Then I remembered the envelopes Mom pointed out to me. I snatched them out of the built-in pocket and tore the first one open. 10 prepaid Visa cards and 10 hundred-dollar bills. I wondered if Dad knew, but then realized she wouldn’t have been so secretive about it if he had.

Thank God. I breathed.

The second envelope was heavier. I tore it open, and found a letter, plus more money, including a few coins. I immediately recognized my younger sister’s scrawl. 

Dear Brigham,

I’m sorry, this is all we have. Me, Emma, and Kaitlyn pooled our money together. Be careful.

Love you,

Abigail

I counted the money, which was just under a hundred dollars. This was their allowance, probably from the last 3 months. I didn’t want to take it, but if I didn’t, I might regret it. Then, a disturbing thought flashed across my brain.

Oh my God. 

My sisters knew. The entire family knew this was happening.

Father scared them so much they couldn’t even tell me I was being tossed into the streets. 

How could I have been so stupid? Looking back over the last month or so, I’d wondered why the house had been so quiet. There had been unexpected freedoms, since they’d let me stay at home instead of going to church, or to the various potlucks they always went to. I should have been suspicious, asked Mom what was up, but no, I trusted them. 

It’s survival time, Brig. Trust no one ever again. I whispered, then resumed packing.

The stairwell echoed as I trudged down the wooden stairs. The heavy bag was slung over my shoulder. Stuff I’d use, or pawn if things got really bad.

When I stepped into the family room, it struck me that something was different. Empty square spaces surrounded by a light trace of dust dotted the walls throughout the room. The console stereo that no longer worked now only had three baby pictures instead of four. 

I’m gone. I sniffed. Dad has erased me.

I pulled the curtain back from the window. Both minivans were missing. They probably went to a restaurant or church, hoping I’d be gone by the time they returned.

The big mirror over the fireplace caught my eye. I’d always loved it because it was antique and slightly warped. It distorted the entire room, making it look bigger than it actually was. Tears snaked down my cheeks. 

I opened the side door and walked out, then placed the key in its hiding place under the rock in the flowerbed. It looked abandoned, filled with weeds. Then I walked away in the direction of the TRAX light rail station. It was twelve blocks away, but I had to get used to walking. That’s what living on the street was all about, right?

Halfway down the block I stopped, my neck beginning to turn. But instead of giving in, I forced myself forward.

1

Brig

I am closing the bookstore at the end of the month.

As Carol spoke, my heart sank, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I wiped a few escapees with the back of my hand, glanced up, and saw her beautiful, lined face trembling, tears sliding down her cheeks. I looked to my left where my best friend and co-worker Ashlee sat with her mouth open, her fists clenched in her lap.

Why? I thought sales were up over last year… My voice sank to a whisper. Sales had nothing to do with it. I gazed at the photo of Carol’s deceased husband Gerald that hung on the wall behind the cash register. He had to be the reason.

I just can’t do it anymore. Gerald’s Bookstore was really his project. For the last two years I’ve backed away, letting you run it for me. She sipped her coffee from the chipped china tea cup she always drank out of, then with a trembling hand, placed it on the wooden table between us. Her lips opened and shut a few times, then her words came out in a breathy rush.

My sister wants me to live with her in Georgia. I’ll miss Richmond, but my life ended here when Gerald passed. I’d appreciate it if you two would help me close the shop over the next few weeks. I will give you both three months’ severance to tide you over until you find new jobs. She stared directly into my eyes for the first time since dropping her bombshell. I’d always liked my employer, loved her even, and I knew this was difficult. I also knew that taking care of her dead husband’s bookstore must be worse.

I… I can’t express how much this job has meant to me. I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. It’s like my second home. Ashlee put her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as sobs escaped. I placed my palm on her back, wanting to take this pain away, but unable to since I was also feeling it. Carol got up and sat on the other side of Ashlee.

Oh, dear child, I would do anything to make your troubles go away, but I have to move on with my life. Carol’s delicate fingers made their way into the thick blonde hair Ashlee was so proud of, stroking it while her shoulders shook.

I felt like I would choke, so I stood up. My legs trembled, and I shuffled toward the break room to refill my coffee. I couldn’t tear my eyes from the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, and tripped over the threadbare blue Persian rug.

Shit. I muttered, catching myself against the old wooden desk with the gigantic dictionary on top. I’d loved the ancient shelves from the moment I first saw them twelve years ago. These books were my friends, and had been ever since I had arrived in my adopted city. We had filled these crowded shelves with stories of adventures, heartbreak, and love. Things I was too frightened of experiencing for myself. I held my hand out, allowing my fingers to flit over the book spines as I walked to the rear of the shop, knowing it would soon be the last time.

Carol rarely came to the shop anymore. When she’d shown up at closing time, I knew something was off. Beneath her eyes were purple shadows her meticulous makeup didn’t cover. Her gaze lingered on the picture of Gerald as she asked us to stay a few minutes after closing. Ashlee and I shrugged our shoulders. We were both nerdy types who didn’t have much of a social life. Where would we go, anyway? Home to the pathetic novel I’d been writing for the last four years was the extent of my social whirl. Ashlee would skip home to make dinner for her toddlers. 

These books were a part of me. I didn’t just sell them. I loved each volume as if they were a unique person in and of themselves. Even books I didn’t particularly care for, I treated with respect. Those I loved were worshipped.

I guess I could try working for one of the enormous book retailers, but I’d always prided myself on working for and supporting this independent bookstore. Could I handle clocking in and out of a giant McBook store everyday? Since the old man had passed, I had managed this store on my own, and had practically no other skills apart from this.

Fuck. I whispered, leaning against the last bookcase outside the break room door. It creaked and gave an inch. In the background, I heard Ashlee’s voice. She was pleading with Carol, begging for a reprieve. I pushed myself off the bookshelves and opened the door to the back room, poured my coffee and padded back to the seating area.

We can manage it for you, send sales reports. You’ll have a steady income and we can keep this place alive. Ashlee swiped at her eyes. I pulled my handkerchief out of my pocket and handed it to her. 

Honey, I know this hurts. It hurts me too, but I have to move on with my life. Carol choked the words out, and my stomach twisted in knots on hearing her pain. I couldn’t handle the intense emotions ricocheting between the two of them. While Carol and Ashlee consoled each other, I glanced around the room, seeing it with the dejected eyes of a mourner.

The building itself was over a hundred years old and stood on the outskirts of Carytown. It was a trendy, outdoor-shopping spot populated with bars, expensive clothing stores, hipsters, and wealthy matrons from nearby Windsor Farms. It used to be a residence, but as the area became more popular, many of the homes were converted to small bookstores, coffee shops, and hair salons. 

The ancient wood floors were creaky, scratched and dull from years of use. Rich blues dominated the decor, my favorite being the dusty velvet curtains at the front of the shop. No matter how much we cleaned, dust settled on everything.

My favorite part of the shop used to be the dining room, and it had a sparkling crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The rare and expensive books were housed here, and I had taken over their care when Gerald became ill. I was proud of how I grew the sales of these expensive first editions. Now most of our profit came from this one small room. 

The voices grew silent, and I returned to where Ashlee and Carol were sitting. Ashlee glanced somewhere over my shoulder, unable to meet my gaze. Then she stiffened her back, inhaled deeply, and apologized.

I’m so sorry. I... I shouldn’t have allowed my feelings to overcome me. It’s hard for you, Carol, I know it is. It was being selfish, and I’ll do whatever I can to make this transition as smooth as possible. She smiled the best she could, placing a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

Thank you, Ashlee. Brig, how are you with this? You’ve barely uttered a word. Carol took another sip of her coffee and waited for my