The Extinction Intervention

By David Noon

"People of Earth, welcome aboard, you've been abducted for your own health and safety. Don't ask me why, I just work here..."

 

What if aliens weren't abducting us for evil, but just wanted to help humanity?

What if they totally screwed it up?

 

Join the Vice President of the Intergalactic Conservation Society, and a group of very confused abductees as 'The Extinction Intervention' unfolds, with darkly humorous consequences. Between a well-meaning bureaucrat and some good old-fashioned human ingenuity, they must be able to make a bad situation better, right?

 

They couldn't possibly make it worse.

 

Could they?

 

Find out in this humorous 40 page short story, as aliens try to resolve, once and for all, the Human Problem...

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Noon
• Release date: Aug 29, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393205432

Book preview

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One

"O h god, oh god oh god what is happening where are we? Where the hell are we??"

How did we get here? Where’s my dog? Where’s the park? Who are all of you people??!

Help! Help! Heeeeeelp!

I think I’m going to throw up....

I was just ordering a cafe latte from the cute barista, I don’t understand, what is this? Where...

This can’t be happening, man, this can’t be, this must be an acid flashback, oh no, no, no...

Can someone calm that crying child down?

Excuse me? Stay away from my child! Can someone calm that hysterical adult down?

I’m not hysterical, I said I’M NOT HYSTERICAL! Oh god, oh god are we dead? Am I dead? Is this what hell is?

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE???

Everyone shut up. Calm down. Look here, out of this window. Look.

Is that...no...it can’t be...

Yes, I think it is.

This can’t be real.

What is it? Let me see!

It...it’s earth...

THERE’S ONE UNIVERSAL emotion across the galaxies, no matter which of the hundreds of civilised, spacefaring species you originate from.

It’s an emotion felt by everyone in their lives.

It isn’t love, or hate, or fear, or even enjoying looking at cute cat pictures. Many species know none of these emotions, or only one or two.

No, the one universal emotion is this:

The horrible awareness that you have totally screwed up at your job.

This is often followed by the stomach-churning knowledge that you’re about to be called to account for it.

(Although to be fair, enjoying looking at cute cat pictures is a close second as a universal constant).

The Vice President of the Intergalactic Conservation Society, a Thraxian, was experiencing this primary emotion in all its horrible, nerve-wracking force.

It wasn’t, she told herself for the millionth time, her fault.

She was the victim of a perfect storm of miscalculations, bungling and inappropriate use of the Intergalactic Conservation Society’s resources. Individually, each of the mistakes might have amounted to nothing. Combined, however, they’d created what the Intergalactic Media dubbed ‘The Human Situation’

Since Thraxians have unpronounceable names by human standards, it will be necessary to substitute their multi-dimensional words with a more straightforward human equivalent.

The Vice President of the Intergalactic Conservation Society was very much a ‘Gertrude.’

Like most of her shy species, Gertrude loathed being in the spotlight. A Thraxian’s standard greeting, even to members of their own family, is ‘Hello,’ swiftly followed by ‘Goodbye’.

Some argue that this, in fact, is the only sensible way to deal with members of your own family. However, we digress.

Thraxians are so timid they took a full three hundred Earth years after developing interstellar travel before they built up enough courage to step outside their front