Things You Should KNow About Women (Written By A Man)

By Quentin Cope

Things You Should Know About Women (Written By A Man): This is a book that comes with its own guilty smile from the first page and several situations calling for nothing less than outright laughter. Why? ... Because we have all been there! WARNING ... Sense of humour required.

 

Now on general release is the latest offering from author Quentin Cope. 'Things You Should Know About Women (Written By A Man)' is a collection of words that has ended up as a rather difficult subject to categorise. How it is received will very much depend upon the gender and particular viewpoint of the reader. It could possibly be seen as a book promoting marital and partnership harmony or, at the other end of the spectrum, a guide to treating the dangerously infectious inferiority complex of a fully committed male chauvinist.

 

This engaging and positively amusing missive can best be described as a sideways glance at relationships; an observational study of man at his best ... and worst, and a credible guide for practising divorce lawyers of either sex.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mecurian Books
• Release date: Aug 16, 2020
• ISBN: 9781386154396

Quentin Cope

Having spent a fortunate life engaged in world travel, Quentin feels the only sensible finale for such unbridled adventure is to write about it. An addicted novelist, he tends to write from experience, characterize people he has truly known and weave story lines around real events of the time. Quentin considers the stories he writes to be narratives that matter and is not afraid to approach difficult subjects, especially ones that accurately reflect the reality of a particular period. If you enjoy erotic thrillers with an historical twist; fictional characters intertwined with real events and storylines that will keep you turning the page, then perhaps this latest offering, ‘The Arabian’ is particularly for you.

Book preview

Things You Need To Know About Women

(Written By A Man)

QUENTIN COPE

MECURIAN BOOKS

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COPYRIGHT & DISCLAIMER

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This ebook is a work of fiction. However, some real events may have been referred to or been described and unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy. Any other resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2016 Quentin Cope

www.quentincope.co.uk

All rights reserved.

Also available in Paperback

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Warning

To extract the maximum amount of pleasure from the contents of this book, you will require a sense of humour.

Enjoy ... with a smile!

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Contents

Conflict

The Early lessons

The C.H.A.I.N.S that  bind us

Confrontation - DIY

Confrontation - DRIVING

Confrontation - COOKING

Habitation - SHARING

Habitation - CLEANING

Habitation - ANIMALS

Association - WORK

Association - FAMILY

Association - HOBBIES

Imperfection - CONVERSATION

Imperfection - CHILDREN

Imperfection - TIME

Negotiation - FINANCE

Negotiation - DIVORCE

Negotiation - TALKING

Submission - CONTRADICTION

Submission - FIFTIES PLUS

Submission – RETIREMENT

GLOSSARY

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introduction

As the text within these pages comes from the pen of someone who is quintessentially English, it will be worthwhile preparing readers from distant places for a few of the more obscure references to Englishness. Such references may, by their very nature, require some level of clarification. However, if you happen to be English by birth, or an American having been immersed in the eccentricities of English society for an extended period of time, you will probably not benefit from any further reading of this introduction. If you are fortunate enough to hail from one of the sunny Mediterranean countries, having managed to survive in England for a brief period and thereby ended up requiring intense psychiatric treatment, then you may wish to shun any unwelcome reminder of what could well have been a harrowing experience.

The first reference to ponder over is ‘The Pub’, a shortening of the term ‘Public House’. This is an essentially English institution dating back several hundred years to the 11th century where, embedded within each community, was a place everyone gathered socially, received due justice from the local magistrate, bartered pigs and sheep for bread and wine, received physical relief from ladies of the afternoon and consumed copious amounts of foaming beer from leather mugs. The consumption of beer was less of a social affliction and more of a necessity as the local water supply was often too foul and even dangerous to drink in any quantity. As very few of the peasant classes could read or write, these institutions were cleverly named in such a manner that a sign could be hung outside displaying an image; one that would relate to the name of the particular property.

To this day the tradition remains, possibly for similar reasons, and that is why ‘Pubs’ will still be named the ‘Dog and Gun’ for example, or the ‘George and Dragon’. Thankfully, the reasons that Pubs are still in existence in England is that little has actually changed. It is still a place of social gathering; justice is still verbally dished out by highly qualified gossips, goods are still bartered by bag ladies who have spent the morning stealing them from local high street shops, physical relief to gentlemen with a job is often on offer at the rear of the premises from ladies who should know better, and in many parts of the country the local water supply still does not meet European Union quality standards.

There are many references to ‘the Pub’ in the following chapters as a place of refuge; a place to seek advice and solace as well as a venue from which to display ones availability as a free male ... with or without a job. The landlords of good Pub’s will scorn any mention of fine dining in their establishments and proudly offer an eating menu describing packaged meals in the form of plain, cheese and onion or Bar-B-Q flavour.

The nearest equivalent to the Pub in America will probably be the local ‘Bar’ named after the owner, such as ‘Bob’s Bar’ or ‘Chucks Place’. In Germany it will be a ‘Bierpalast’ such as the Hofbrauhaus am Platzl in Munich ... and in the sunny Mediterranean countries everyone has to make do with a small beer servery at the back of what the locals will proudly describe as a restaurant, and most tourists recognise as a shoe box with tables outside.

Another very English obsession, for which several achievement awards dating back to 1966 are regularly celebrated, is the so called ‘beautiful game’ of football ... or soccer if you are from ‘over the pond’. Not only are most English men passionate about the game, the teams and their players, they are normally fiercely loyal to one particular club. These are called ‘fans’ and their passion for the game is often demonstrated before and after a match by the desire of some to re-arrange the existing configuration and decor of local properties by removing fencing, re-ventilating windows, spraying helpful messages over walls and re-homing any available garden gnomes that simply have no means of fighting back.

At any time of day in England, the persistent football fan will be able to watch a game on a multitude of TV channels, but the big programme of the week is considered by many to be Match of the Day, broadcast on the advertisement free service known as the BBC. This is a ‘must not miss’ opportunity that will be talked about, commented upon and dissected into its many component parts by all ones ‘mates’ who can generally be located ‘down the Pub’.

The Americans have their Baseball of course and a cross between Rugby and Soccer called funnily enough ... ‘American Football’. The Europeans, and particularly the Mediterranean countries, have their own following for Soccer and English teams regularly visit the likes of France, Spain, Italy and Greece for friendly matches and what are called ‘Cup’ games. This normally happens when the weather is bad in England, which is quite often, and fans have to look for other ways to change the local landscape when visiting as there are no gnomes about, street furniture is normally bolted down and windows left open to allow the free and less damaging passage of bricks and other useful missiles.

One rarely discussed, but quite English institution, is that of the conveniently located ‘Public Toilets’. These are mostly Victorian or post WWII structures located in some dark and shady part of a park or recreational area. They are unfortunately being closed weekly up and down the country by cost prudent local council managers or being converted into bistro restaurants by ambitious and entrepreneurial new owners. However the ones that are actually left standing still provide a focus of attention for teenagers of both sexes and can often be the hub of various forms of illegal activity.

Americans refer to this kind of structure as the ‘Restroom’ or ‘Bathroom’ and seem to build them with a surprising lack of cubicle privacy whilst in France the old free standing ‘pissoirs’ are being replaced with modern structures offering much more seclusion and sanitation.  In the sunny Mediterranean countries any toilet is considered ‘public’ and therefore treated accordingly. Most still require some form of athletic squat to ensure accuracy of delivery, have no lock to maintain any form of privacy and provide no sanitary accessories such as toilet paper.

The English version of public toilets is therefore quite unique in that they are housed in quite substantial buildings and often contain some uniquely decorative internal features. They can be referred to as ‘loos’ and ‘bogs’ or in some cases the ‘crapper’; a term referencing Mr Thomas Crapper who had much to do with the development of the flushing toilet in the early 1800’s.  However anyone refers to them, they do unfortunately smell and the constant pungent aroma, often detected from some distance away, guarantees a fairly accurate location in the dark.

The general love affair with supermarkets is not a particularly English obsession. However, some of the names may not be familiar to non-English readers. Asda’s for example is a store chain that has a magnetic quality and not only offers some of the cheapest goods in town ... its car parks are particularly designed to be spaces where social gatherings can take place. These are areas designated for the use and assembly of some quite large numbers of women but still allow the un-impeded, constant and hurried traffic of men to push over-stacked trolleys through the area at some speed and with a minimum risk of collision.

The American owners of Asda’s are of course the giant company Wal-Mart and no doubt experiment with such excellent social engineering projects before exporting them to England. However, the Germans are now moving rapidly up the scale with Lidl providing new, larger and much more interesting car park configurations to attract as many new social gatherings as possible. Carrefour, the French owned supermarket mega-store chain is also prominent throughout Europe and the sunny Mediterranean countries. But as their customers have a habit of abandoning rather than parking their vehicles just about anywhere at any period during the day or night; it has been proven beyond doubt that for them, providing such luxuries as socially engineered car parks would be a total waste of time.

Another popular food and clothes store chain that has been very much part of English life for the past one hundred years is Marks & Spencer. The store is often referred to by its many loyal customers as M & S, Marks & Sparks or simply ... Marks and receives several mentions in the following pages.

The use of the term ‘mates’ to describe friends and acquaintances is in common use throughout England and referred to regularly by young males. If living in America however, our male subject would probably replace the word ‘mate’ with much more descriptive nouns such as ‘dude’ or ‘buddy’. The multi lingual European from any of the sunny Mediterranean countries would probably prefer the title of ‘amigo’ or ‘amico’ and the more strict German, who has over twenty words for mate, would probably refer to his ‘freund’.

Another confusing word in English that is used regularly by all ladies, young and old to describe an item that is commonly worshipped in certain parts of the south of England is ‘handbag’. Its use is defined as ‘a bag or box of leather, fabric, plastic or the like, held in the hand or carried by means of a handle or strap’. They come in all sizes and shapes and can cost anything from a few pounds in the local market to over half a million in certain well known London establishments. The American equivalent title for such an item would be a ‘purse’; in Germany it would be a ‘handtasche’ and in the sunny Mediterranean countries, a plain and simple ‘bolso’.

Finally, our example couple named ‘Harry’ and ‘Kylie’, are shown to be representative of a lifestyle that many would perhaps recognise but not admit to being a part of. The American equivalent names for this expressive couple would obviously be popular ones such as ‘Jaylon’ and ‘Pace’. The true European offering would probably be ‘Wojtek’ and ‘Aleksandra’ and these names can be substituted quite easily when dropping in to overhear conversations between our Harry and Kylie. For those who find a few words of text confusing, there is a glossary at the back of this book adding some clarity to words like ‘Wellies’ and people such as Louie Spence. The term ‘Luv’ is also used a lot in Harry and Kylie conversations. This is a term of vague affection considered to be a shortening of the words ‘my love’ and used mainly by the English working classes ... or so we are told by the English upper classes..! It can be used affectionately of course but also as a prelude to some level of sarcastic comment.

One last word of warning! Several pages into Chapter One, you may realize that in no way can this work be described as one of substantial scientific merit. It does of course put some meat on the bones of generally complex relationships between men and women, with only a sideways glance in the direction of reality. However, to quote from the great William Shakespeare’s King Lear;

‘Many a true word hath been spoken in jest ...’

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Chapter One

conflict

Puberty, puzzlement and problems!

Readers may be surprised to learn that some males do in fact possess a form of instinct for knowing when a puzzling or problematic situation is about to develop. This is not a natural or inherited instinctive state because men, unlike women, are not blessed with such a basic but useful sixth sense. No! For men, something called ‘instinct’ can only be raised to a suitable level of sensitivity with the use of regular training and careful observance. It can be enhanced in particular by studying the body language of women, enabling the often disinterested male to pick up on some standard phrases and particular poses that shout a silent warning ... something is about to kick off!

Training starts of course when we are very young. Boys in puberty, or very near to it, will unfortunately lack the necessary instinct required to pick up on the craft and naturally manipulative skills demonstrated by the young female. They will therefore tend to blunder their way carelessly through early confrontations; a situation that could leave them socially scarred for life.

With hormones building up in a fit young body, puberty calls ... and boys quickly discover at the age of about ten or twelve some confusing differences between themselves and others they have been connecting happily with, in various collective situations, for several years. These ‘others’ are the ones with long hair, who don’t wear trousers, have unexpectedly acquired a slightly moody exterior; suddenly don’t want to play in the path of oncoming traffic anymore and appear to be developing a series of unexplained ‘bumps’ on their chest.

A clue to the enquiring boy-child of the wealthy and privileged, regarding the onset of puberty, will be an unexpected question from the family tailor as to which side ‘sir’ would normally dress. If you are not wealthy and not privileged, and buy your trousers in Asda’s, then you won’t know what this means. Of course, if you happen to be American, then you will be buying ‘pants’ not trousers and scouting for them in Wal-Mart and not Asda’s.

For the less privileged young man, but one surrounded by a loving and caring family, it will be a quiet talk with father timed to be just before Saturday night Sporting Highlights or a re-run of Match of the Day on TV. This gives the concerned and sensitive parent an excuse to end the conversation swiftly, thereby discouraging any complex enquiries from a still confused child.

For the rest, it will probably be a near covert encounter with a not so well known porn star on an iPad at the back of the changing rooms during some nebulous school sports activity. This will result in the disquieting but stimulating discovery of involuntary stirrings in an area of the body where there has been no noticeable uncontrolled movement before.

So, with a level of certainty it is possible to assume that as involuntary stirrings herald the onset of hormone imbalance in teenage boys, something similar is likely to be happening with girls.

A useful indicator is to observe young teenage ladies walking past a shop window on tip-toe to check what their outline could look like in their very first pair of high heel shoes. Their lips often suddenly become redder and eyes set in some sort of dark outline, which if observed several months previously would have indicated signs of an incapacitating and possibly severe illness.

There will come a point where the young teenage male will begin to notice the female is growing decidedly more tactile. She will want to stand closer, and make some effort to come into physical contact with boys, perhaps singling one out in a group for special attention. Someone, who up until this point had been aggressive and ‘bossy’, morphs into an attentive listener to whatever her target male has to say ... agreeing with him on just about every subject and making that oh-so-dangerous regular and unblinking eye contact.

He, of course finds himself sitting precariously on the sharp horns of a dilemma. The stirrings are there; they are slightly uncomfortable and regular excursions of ‘hand into pocket’ are required to adjust which side the attachments to the firming appendage should be allowed to fall. The social implications are now also becoming more complex as the target male is torn between maintaining the regular company of his ‘mates’ (his male mates of course) ... and the unnatural urge to seek other companionable opportunities. However, this would not have much bearing on the dilemma or the fact that such daring thoughts are unfortunately encouraged by the now rather obvious trousered stirrings. These signal that something more exciting might be available to the thoroughly confused male than a quick drag of an illicit cigarette and a larger than average slug from a bottle of cheap Hungarian red wine ... shared between four. However, to explore these new and possibly unhealthy desires, he will need to find a way of spending a bit more time with the red lipped, dark eyed, short skirted female pressing up against him at every opportunity and laughing nearly hysterically at all of his poorly delivered jokes.

She, of course, has also noticed the trouser stirrings and movements indicating a level of arousal that might make it worthwhile to cancel tonight’s trip to McDonalds with the girls ... in case something with more satisfying potential comes along.

So, this is where it all begins. If the trip to McDonalds is not to be cancelled in vain, then the male victim will be irretrievably hooked, resulting in a once promising brain being totally disconnected from the rest of the body ... for just about the remainder of his active life!

‘Why is this?’ ... you may ask. Well, the answer is a simple one as the fully activated and