Turrible Seasons: An Ermahgerd Ermnibus

By Lynx & LeRoux

It's 1993 and Kimmy Livengood is so excited to start seventh grade; she and her best friend Becky will finally be going to the same school, she's logging plenty of volunteer hours at the library, and she's on track to make it to the regional Magic: The Gathering tournament next summer. Kimmy is living her best life and making the most of all her opportunities, despite her mild speech impediment. When Kimmy goes on a back-to-school shopping trip with Becky and her friends, things take a turn when Kimmy finds a dead body. Was it an accident? Was it murder? Detectives Jones and Finnigan arrive on the scene to find out.Now the Detectives must beat the clock as the bodies begin to pile up in the otherwise peaceful town of Spring Valley. The suspects are few, the clues are even fewer. Will Carl Jones and Jake Finnigan catch the perpetrator before it's too late for Kimmy Livengood? Full of laughs, heart, and plenty of clowns, Turrible Seasons: An Ermahgerd Ermnibus will have you one the edge of your seat, craving a hot pretzel, and considering enrolling in clown college.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lynx & LeRoux
• Release date: Aug 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9781386516163

Book preview

To our friends, family, and Lynx and LeRouxnatics, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mic drop. We out.

Smoky Lynx & Charlaine LeRoux

2019

This book is dedicated to Lauren Thomas, who accidentally inspired this whole endeavor. To our friends, families, and the Lynx & LeRouxnatics out there, thank you. And, lastly, to the Dan Livengoods of the world. May you know them. May you be them.

Praise for Lynx & LeRoux

What an absolute blast! This book was entertaining from cover to cover. It really has an amazing mix of humor, suspense, and heart. It made me laugh out loud and want a Strawberry Kiwi Snapple. I cannot wait for Winter. Lynx and Leroux made me feel like they were writing this book just for me. – Lauren Thomas

Sauciers, rodeo clowns, and librarians!! What more could you ask for from a book? Oh you want more? Ok, add in drama, cliffhangers, and some epic comments that made me choke on my coffee. – Teacher Sis

Well they've done it again! Another great book and darn good cliff hanger! Great writing! I can't wait for Summer! – Paula Patrick

Well Summer is over and the mystery's solved and now what will I do with my life? All hail Kimmy and Curl and Cindy Crawford because I'm starting to believe she's my kindred spirit. Also, as a former M:TG tournament player I can confirm that Lynx & Leroux's depictions of that glorious game are 100% accurate, down to the shiny 20-sider. I won't say too much about Summer so I don't spoil the ending, but if you aren't reading this majestic quadology, are you even living? – Taylor Henry

Who’s laughing now, Stephanie? – Charlaine LeRoux

I regret nothing. Except giving Spencer herpes. – Smoky Lynx 

1

In which we meet Kimmy, find out competitive Magic: The Gathering is a thing, and all crave a soft pretzel.

Kimmy was looking forward to the start of the school year. She loved school. This year was particularly exciting because she’d be starting junior high and, for the first time ever, she and her best friend Becky would be going to the same school. Becky wasn’t just Kimmy’s best friend, she was also her cousin. The best cousin in the world. In fact, she was on her way to meet Becky right now. They were supposed to meet up at Gaston’s in a few minutes. Kimmy, who was skinny, lanky, and preferred tops with animals on them, wasn’t as excited about shopping as Becky was. But Kimmy had big news about that morning’s Magic: The Gathering game. She couldn’t wait to tell her cousin.

The comic shop down the street from Kimmy’s house hosted games every Saturday morning. On the first Saturday of the month, the game was more formal; the competitors were playing for a chance to represent the shop in the regional tournament next summer. Kimmy wanted to earn that spot badly. Just that morning she’d beaten a man much older than her. He hadn’t taken it well. Maybe I’ll bake him some of my famous oatmeal raisin cookies, Kimmy thought as her mother pulled into a spot in the parking garage.

Okay, Kimmy. Have fun and I’ll meet you back here in two hours, her mom said kindly.

Sure, Mom. Thanks for driving me. See ya’, Kimmy called as she exited the car and ran up the stairs closest to the Gaston’s wing of the Spring Valley Mall. Walking quickly past EGADZ! And Vikki’s Hush-Hush, Kimmy turned right down a hallway and walked headlong into a man who had paused right outside Vikki’s Hush-Hush.

Oh. Excuse me. I’m sho shorry, Kimmy exclaimed, clearly startled. 

The man said nothing. He merely gawked at the life-size photos of the Vikki’s Hush-Hush models plastered in the window before he brushed past her and made his way to the staircase where he descended out of sight. Something about him seemed familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Kimmy watched him for just a second before continuing toward Gaston’s.

_____

Becky was not alone. She’d invited her pep club friends along. Kimmy didn’t mind the extra company; she just wasn’t sure the other girls would be as interested in Magic: The Gathering as Becky was.

Little did Kimmy know, Becky was also uninterested in Magic: The Gathering; she was just too kind to say so.

Becky, who bared a striking resemblance to Kimmy’s mother, was tall, with long blonde hair, and was genuinely adored by everyone. She was not only exceptionally popular, she was also intelligent, an accomplished cellist, and extremely kind. She and Kimmy, whose mothers were identical twins, had been born within months of each other and had grown up together, more like sisters than cousins. 

Hey, Bercky, yelled Kimmy, waving enthusiastically.

Hi, Kimmy, her cousin replied with slightly less enthusiasm. It’s not that she wasn’t happy to see Kimmy, she just worried that her other friends may not understand Kimmy the way she did, and she didn’t want them to pick on her.

I won the tournament this merning, Kimmy squealed with delight. And then she literally jumped up and down. Becky’s friends snickered but stopped when they saw the look on Becky’s face. 

That’s great, Kimmy. Becky beamed. These are my friends from school, Ana and Dru. Becky pointed to each of her friends.

Guys, this is my cousin Kimmy.

The girls exchanged hellos.

Okay, well, should we look at jeans first? Becky clapped her hands together trying to ease the tension.

_____

Kimmy, who wasn’t really interested in the clothes at Gaston’s, stood by and watched as Becky and her friends tried on everything in the store and gossiped about boys Kimmy didn’t know. Before she knew it, it was almost time to meet her mom, and they hadn’t even gone to get a pretzel yet.

Bercky, you guysh wanna go get some pretzels? Kimmy asked, somewhat shyly. She wanted to make a good impression on Becky’s friends and was feeling a bit nervous. 

Um, no, we don’t eat at Uncle Bobo’s, do we, girls? Dru said, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Kimmy.

Oh, well, Bercky said we were going to Urncle Bobo’s Hot Pretzels & Dippin’ Sauce.

Dru scoffed and rolled her eyes.

Sure, Kimmy. Let’s go, Becky said, grabbing her cousin’s wrist and leading her out of the store.

I’ll see you two later, Becky called over her shoulder as she and Kimmy left the store.

_____

As they walked to Uncle Bobo’s Hot Pretzels & Dippin’ Sauce, Becky noticed kids from her school were staring and pointing at her cousin. She was furious. Kimmy, though a little weird, was awesome once you got to know her. She loved Kimmy and wanted to help her fit in at their new school.

So, Kimmy, are you looking forward to starting school?

Ermahgersh, Berky, I’m sho excited. Sheventh grade! We’re tweens, Kimmy exclaimed. Plus, we get to spend even more time together.

Little did Kimmy know, this troubled Becky just a little bit. 

Hey, we should totally get ready for the first day together at my house.

That sounds fun, but my dad always makes his special first day of scherl perncakes.

Oh, yeah. Well, I guess we can get ready at your place. Becky knew Uncle Dan’s special pancakes were too delicious for Kimmy to resist. 

You can borrow one of my kitty shirts.

Oh my gosh. I would, but I already picked out the best back to school outfit, Becky convincingly replied. It was mostly true. She did have a new outfit planned. 

Is it kittens? Is it unicorns? Kimmy squealed. No, wait. Shurprise me. I love shurprises.

Little did she know that, in roughly twenty minutes, she would receive the shurprise of her life.

Yeah, it’s gonna be great, Becky agreed, with no enthusiasm.

They’d finally reached Uncle Bobo’s Hot Pretzels & Dippin’ Sauce. They each ordered a pretzel and, bypassing the bistro tables and chairs, opted to sit around the fountain in the center of the mall. As they ate, Becky noticed Kimmy had bits of pretzel stuck in her braces. She wanted to tell her but didn’t know how to bring it up. Becky let out a sigh and reminded herself, for the third time that afternoon, that she loved her cousin very much.

Oh shoot! Look at the time! I gotta meet mom. Bye, Bercky, Kimmy said, flashing an enthusiastic, pretzel-filled smile.

Becky smiled kindly at her cousin.

Goodbye, Kimmy. I’ll see you later.

_____

Kimmy raced down the stairs; she was late and didn’t want to keep her mom waiting. As she rounded the corner, she saw a mannequin lying near a parking spot. Some jokester must have brought it down from one of the stores. Curiosity took over. Kimmy moved in to get a closer look. She approached the mannequin slowly, in case the pranksters were watching.

Wow. That mannequin sure does look real...and familiar, Kimmy thought.

Ermahgerd! She’s derd! Kimmy screamed, realizing it was, in fact, not a mannequin. She turned to run for help and immediately ran into a concrete column. Her body made a resounding smack as she hit the ground.

Everything went black.

2

In which we meet Carl and Jake, Jake explains weblogs, and Carl doesn’t care.

As she waited for Kimmy, Barbara reflected on her daughter. She loved Kimmy very much. She was such a sweet girl, but Barbara worried about her, too. Her daughter just didn’t seem ready for junior high. What, with her braces, knobby knees, and penchant for wearing shirts with cartoon characters on them, she just seemed too young to be in seventh grade. Not to mention her speech impediment.

They’d tried everything to help Kimmy. Barbara and Dan had driven her to every speech therapist in the area trying to help their daughter. It seemed the speech impediment could not be completely conquered. Sure, it had improved. Kimmy only seemed to struggle when she was feeling emotional. Unfortunately, Kimmy was a very emotional child. Any bit of excitement, nerves, stress, or even joy, and the speech impediment reared its ugly head. Eventually, Barbara and Dan gave up and decided to let Kimmy be Kimmy. Plus, they had run out of speech therapists. They loved their daughter and taught her to embrace her flaws. But Barbara did worry. School could be really tough, especially if you weren’t exactly popular. Maybe having Becky at the same school would help. 

Kimmy was truly her father’s daughter, and while he was a wonderful man, he never talked much about his school years. All Barbara knew was he was bullied. A lot. Well, until Dan’s parents insisted he learn a variety of martial arts. Dan became fascinated with karate, Judo, Krav Maga, and, of course, Aikido. He’d earned a black belt in all four. Martial arts had consumed him all the way through high school and into college. Once he and Barbie got engaged and had Kimmy, he stopped practicing. Barbie knew he missed it, but when you have a child you sometimes had to give up your extra curriculars. She herself hadn’t been to a Jazzercise class in years. Not that it showed.

Barbara, on the other hand, had floated gracefully through school. She and her twin sister Cynthia had been voted homecoming queens, they’d been captain and co-captain of the cheerleading squad, excelled at basketball and volleyball, and even founded the astronomy club. They were truly well-rounded girls who’d grown in to beautiful, well-rounded women who now ran Spring Valley’s most successful real estate company, Barbie & Cindy Realty: We’ll Sell You Your Dream House. 

Barbara and Cindy had both lived in Spring Valley their entire lives. Barbara left briefly to attend college on an academic scholarship. Her plan had been to come home to open a real estate business with her sister and marry her high school sweetheart Ken Kirkman. The Kirkmans owned and operated the largest insurance agency in Spring Valley. Ken, the Kirkman’s eldest son, was destined to take over the business. Had Barbara married Ken, she would have had a perfectly normal, boring life full of doubles tennis, anti-depressants, and secretly drinking more wine than is suggested.

But a professor, fate, and Dan got in the way. Barbara and Dan were paired up for a chemistry project during their junior year. They immediately hit it off. Barbie had never met a man as smart, funny, and kind as Dan. He also didn’t seem to be intimidated by her looks like most men, Ken included. She broke things off with Ken, explaining that they’d grown apart over the last few years. She and Dan were engaged by the end of the semester and married over their summer break before returning to finish their senior year.

Her family was initially shocked to hear the news but, in the end, Dan had grown on them. Sure, Ken had the looks, money, and built-in job security, but Dan was smart, had a big heart, and always kept her laughing. Barbara’s parents and Dan had one thing in common, her happiness had always been their top priority. Now everyone loved Dan. They especially loved his smoked salmon casserole with Hollandaise. It was unorthodox, but delicious. Just like Dan. He somehow managed to work full-time as an accomplished engineer and still find time to cook for the family. Because, bless her heart, cooking was the one thing Barbara had never quite mastered.

_____

Barbara checked her watch; it was ten passed two and she was tired of waiting. It was unlike Kimmy to be late. Worried and slightly annoyed, she got out of her car and walked toward the stairwell closest to Gaston’s. She knew Kimmy didn’t care for the clothes at Gaston’s, lord knows she’d tried to convince her daughter to shop there, but she’d seen Kimmy ascend the staircase before she’d gone in Willard’s to look at shoes.

She rounded the corner and let out a shriek as she stumbled upon her daughter, knocked unconscious and bleeding from her head. She immediately ran back to the car to grab her inconveniently large mobile phone. She hated leaving her daughter lying there, but she wasn’t getting any reception in the parking garage. Barbara reluctantly ran outside to call the police.

_____

I was up all night corking corks on my corkboard.

What in the hell is a corkboard? Carl asked while pouring his third cup of coffee. He’d been up late watching ER with his wife. She loved that Dr. Doug. Carl was secure enough in manhood to admit to that he was a handsome guy. 

It’s a message board on the internet, Jake replied, sipping from his goldfish bowl sized mug of caramel macchiato.

Never mind, Carl said. I really don’t care. I don’t understand this internet thing. It’s never gonna take off. 

No way. You wait and see. It’s going to be huge, Jake argued, growing more and more excited. Last night, I found a message board full of recipes.

Recipes? Carl asked, furrowing his eyebrows. 

Yeah. I’m thinking about starting a food weblog. I wanna call it Paddy Wagon, Jake said, throwing up his hands in excitement. You get it? Paddy Wagon. I’m Irish. And a cop.

Yeah, man, I get the name, but what in the hell is a weblog? Carl asked, leaning against his desk and resting his left arm on his belly, still holding his coffee in his right hand.

It’s like a personal homepage on the internet!

Mmmm, hmmm. Okay. Carl took a sip of his coffee. It was a little strong for his taste, but Sally made it and he didn’t have the nerve to tell her it wasn’t good. 

No, man, you don’t get it. It’s the internet, Jake said. You can share information with everyone. People in Asia. People in Africa. All over the place. Just think of all the people who haven’t heard of corned beef! I can change the world.

Carl scoffed, shook his head, and pushed up his glasses.

"No, you don’t –

They were interrupted by a soft knock on the door.

Excuse me. Carl, you need to get to the parking garage at the mall immediately. There’s been an accident. Uniforms and an ambulance are already on the scene.

Carl, who was still leaning on his desk, stood up with a start, sloshing a bit of coffee on his new shirt. Aw, man. Shirley is going to kill me.

No worries, boss. Warm water, a bit of dish soap, and a teensy bit of vinegar will get that right out, Jake advised, rising from his seat. Dish soap, not laundry soap.

How in the hell do you know that? Carl asked, grabbing a small notebook off his immaculate desk.

The internet, Jake replied with a shrug.

Aw, hell. Carl waved him away.

Uh, guys. The crime scene. You plan on going some time today? Sally cut in.

Oh, right. Sorry, Sally, Carl said.

Yeah, sorry, Sally, Jake echoed.

Sally gave no audible reply, but clearly rolled her eyes before exiting Carl and Jake’s shared office.

I don’t think Sally likes me that much.

Who cares? Put your coffee down and let’s go, Carl snapped. We have a job to do.

Easy for you to say. Sally loves you, Jake mumbled as he set his enormous mug, still full of steaming coffee, on his desk, grabbed the keys to the car, and followed his partner out of the office door, through the reception area, where Sally gave him yet another eye roll, and headed to the car.

3

In which Carl meets Kimmy, Jake is in awe of Kimmy’s mom, and we find out the library will be closed tomorrow.

Ten minutes later, Carl and Jake pulled up to the mall. Despite several available spots, Jake parked very far away. Carl had the sneaking suspicion that his wife Shirley had put Jake up to it. A crowd had gathered. Carl felt uneasy. He’d been a detective with the Spring Valley Police Department for fifteen years, a beat cop for fifteen years before that. He was on track to retire at fifty-five, just eighteen months away. He and Shirley were heading to Miami the minute he got his papers. He’d been doing this job a long time, but something about this felt different. He was actually nervous for the first time in his thirty-year career. Carl regained his composure. He swung his legs out of the car and, hitching up his pants, joined his partner outside the car.

Carl, being far shorter and heavier than Jake, had to almost run to keep up as they crossed the massive parking lot toward the scene.

Why in the hell did you park so far away? Carl demanded with a huff.

I don’t know...exercise.

Did Shirley put you up to this? Carl asked.

No, Jake lied.

Jake. I’m your partner. You don’t lie to your partner.

Well, yeah, she said something about your cholesterol.

Mmmmm, hmmmmm. Okay.

Is it weird that I’m kind of excited about this? Jake asked, trying to change the subject. 

Carl, winded, took a deep breath, let out a sigh, Yes.

Carl came to a halt, and catching his breath, said, Look, I know you’re excited, but pull it together. People are watching. We don’t want to embarrass ourselves.

Little did Carl know, Jake was channeling Steve McQueen.

Jake nodded. Sure thing, boss.

I’m not your boss, Jake. But I am taking lead on this, so stay quiet, okay?

Carl reached up and placed a comforting hand on Jake’s shoulder. You ready, partner?

Yes, boss.

Carl closed his eyes. He’s a nice kid, Carl. Keep your cool. Solve this case and move on. In eighteen months it’ll be nothing but Cuban sandwiches and rum drinks. Just eighteen short months. Carl opened his eyes and looked at Jake.

Okay, kid. Let’s go. He turned and led Jake into the underground parking garage.

These places give me the willies, Jake shuddered.

Shut the hell up, Carl retorted.

He’d never admit it to anyone, especially Jake, but parking garages gave him the willies, too.

Two uniforms, a forensic unit, and an ambulance were already at the scene. An area near the stairs leading up to the wing containing Uncle Bobo’s Hot Pretzels & Dippin’ Sauce and a bunch of clothing stores for tweens had been roped off with yellow caution tape. Carl frowned. In all his years on the Spring Valley force, they’d never needed the yellow caution tape. Away from the scene, a young girl was being tended to by a medic, a beautiful woman who couldn’t possibly be the girl’s mother was also being treated, and two mall security officers were doing their best to disperse the crowd.

A young officer Carl recognized, but hadn’t officially met yet, noticed them and approached.

Here’s the sitch, he said as he led them toward the roped off area. "Our vic is a female. Appears to be in her sixties, we’re waiting for confirmation on that. The injuries are consistent with a hit an-

Carl stopped walking. Wait, what? 

The vic, the officer repeated. We got ourselves a hit and run, Detective. And, honestly, this is my first one, but the lady looks extra banged up to me. The officer opened his arms, palms up, and cocked his head to the right. But, hey, what do I know? I’m just a beat cop. Say, is your partner joining us, or what? The officer pointed in the direction they’d just come from. Carl was horrified to see Jake just standing there, staring in the direction of the ambulance.

Jake, get your ass over here, Carl hissed through his teeth. 

Once Jake had caught up, Carl cleared his throat and hitched up his pants. Proceed, Officer... Carl trailed off.

Giovanni. Vincenzo Giovanni.

Officer Giovanni. Anything else we need to know?

Yeah, we got no witnesses, but the kid who found the body is still here. She’s being treated by the medics.

Treated? For what? Carl asked.

The officer shook his head. You’ll see.

Carl and Jake looked toward the ambulance.

Who’s that woman with her? Jake gasped, his face turning beet red to match his hair. It was goddamn unprofessional.

Go ask mall security for footage, Carl ordered, clearly annoyed.

Jake reluctantly left to talk to the mall security officer who, though he had a fine mustache, was far less attractive than Kimmy’s mother.

Unencumbered by his enthusiastic partner, Carl took in the scene. The officer had been right. Though he’d never seen the body of a hit and run victim, this one looked particularly...smooshed. His stomach did a somersault. Afraid he was about to lose his lunch, he set off to interview the girl who found the body.

_____

As Carl approached the ambulance, he saw the medic was still treating the young girl who was seated in the back of the ambulance, her skinny legs dangling over the edge, not quite touching the ground. So as not to interrupt, Carl stood back a bit from the ambulance.

Alright, Kimmy B. You’re going to be fine, the medic said as he shone a small light in Kimmy’s eyes, checking her pupils. Just be sure to take it easy, okay?

Kimmy nodded in agreement and smiled. I will. Thank you.

Alright, kid, he said, standing up straight and turning toward the woman. Ma’am, if she complains of headaches or does anything out of the ordinary, you take her to the ER right away, okay?

Yes. I will. And thank you, Barbara said, shaking the medic’s hand. Then, once her hand was free, helped her daughter climb down before walking toward Carl. 

With one last smile at Barbara, the medic turned toward Carl. Detective, I know you need to question her, but keep in mind she did just smack the crap out of her head. She’s not showing any signs of a concussion, but take it easy, yeah?

Absolutely. Thanks.

You take care, Kimmy B, the medic yelled over his shoulder as he climbed into the driver’s side door, started the ambulance, and exited the parking garage. 

Ma’am, I’m Detective Carl Jones. I know this is a stressful time, but I’d like to ask your... Carl trailed off.

My daughter. This is Kimmy, Barbara explained, wrapping an arm protectively around Kimmy. And I’m Barbara Livengood. Anything we can do to help, Detective.

Kimmy B. Livengood. Not today, Carl thought to himself as he stifled a grin. Get your shit together. A woman is dead, and this poor kid found her. Carl took a moment to ensure he wasn’t going to laugh before continuing.

Great. Kimmy, can I ask you a few questions?

Shure, Deterctive.

Call me Carl.

Okur, Curl.

So, Kimmy, what happened there? he asked, using his pencil to point toward her bandaged head.

I fell.

Oh, okay. You going to be alright?

Yesh, sir.

Okay, here we go. Can you tell me exactly what happened when you came down the stairs?

Kimmy took a deep breath. "Well, I was thinking about Magic and I was rushing to meet my mom because we’re decorating my scherl binders. I don’t know if I should do kittens or butterflies because, well, I’m starting sheventh grade and I don’t want to seem like a baby. But I just love butterflies sho much. Maybe I should go with unico-

Carl put a hand up to stop her. Okay, slow down. Let’s just start at the beginning, Carl said, flipping open his notebook. He’d always wanted to do that.

Little did he know, he would soon have several opportunities. 

Okay, well, I woke up and my dad and I made our famous eggs, bacon, and toast. I needed a good breakfast because I was competing in the tournament. I’m hoping to compete in a Magic tournament next summer. We had a game this merning. I won! The man I beat seemed really upset. Kimmy wrung her hands. I think I’ll make him shome cookies.

Carl, growing impatient, interrupted. Let’s start in the middle. What happened when you got to the mall?

Before Kimmy could start, Jake walked up