Reclaiming Our Students

By Hannah Beach and Tamara Neufeld Strijack

Children are more anxious, aggressive, and shut down than ever.

Faced with this epidemic of emotional health crises and behavioural problems, teachers are asking themselves what went wrong. Why have we lost our students? More importantly: How can we get them back? Hannah Beach, a celebrated educator and specialist in the field of emotional health, and Tamara Neufeld Strijack, clinical
counsellor and academic dean of the acclaimed Neufeld Institute, provide a thoughtful guide to restoring the student-teacher relationship and creating the conditions for change. Reclaiming Our Students empowers teachers with relationship-based strategies to restore their leadership role and build emotional safety in the classroom.

You’ll learn:
• How to build, feed, and protect the student-teacher relationship
• Why children are anxious or bossy, aggressive or checked out, and what you can do to address these behavioural issues at their root
• How you can help students and classes shift their identity as the “problem student” or “bad class”
• Experiential activities for students of all ages that preserve and restore emotional health and well-being

Plus, you’ll find special considerations and information for parents, principals, counsellors, and home educators for building safety and support in the learning environment.

Combining Hannah’s groundbreaking experiential approach to creating emotional health and community in the classroom with the Neufeld Institute’s insightful approach to building relationships and making sense of children, Reclaiming Our Students is required reading for teachers who not only want to understand and overcome daily challenges, but also re-connect to their calling as educators.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hannah Beach
• Release date: Apr 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9781989603239

Hannah Beach

Hannah Beach is an award-winning educator, author, and keynote speaker. She was recognized by the Canadian Human Rights Commission in 2017 as one of five featured change-makers in Canada. Her bestselling I Can Dance book series—supporting the emotional health of children through movement, play, and expression—won a 2017 gold International Moonbeam Children’s Book Award and has been adopted by multiple English- and French-language school boards across Canada. Hannah received the City of Ottawa’s annual Celebration of People Education Award, which recognized her expertise in developing innovative inclusive programs and resources. As the founder of celebrated experiential discovery programs at Dandelion DanceTM and Tournesol, Hannah has spent over twenty-five years developing and delivering programs for children and youth. She is a Neufeld course facilitator, delivers professional development services across the country, provides emotional health consulting to schools, and speaks at national and international conferences about the power of bringing more feeling and human connection into the classroom. Hannah is married and has three children. She lives on the West Coast of Canada.

Book preview

Reclaiming Our Students. Why Children Are More Anxious, Aggressive, and Shut Down Than Ever-And What We Can Do About It. Hannah Beach and Tamara Strijack

Praise for Reclaiming Our Students

With insight and warmth, this book addresses the roots of the growing crisis in children’s emotional functioning, maturation, and capacity to learn: their inability to be in touch with their true feelings. The solutions offered, based on a deep understanding of human development, are intuitive and have the elegance of simplicity. An essential read for educators and for all concerned with the mentoring of our young.

Gabor Maté, MD, CM, co-author, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

This book will be your companion. It will give you insight to the roots of ‘misbehaviour’ and anchor you in the power of relationship and play as nature’s life preserver.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD, author of Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one)

Educators will find much inspiration and support in this book, one that offers insightful ways to connect with students. This compassionate work is all about respectful relationships, with students and ourselves, to shift negatives into positives. The authors’ developmental and relational knowledge is a boon for relieving anxiety, aggression, and other stressors in our digital era. A comprehensive resource for educators and the students they love.

Raffi Cavoukian, CM, OBC, singer, author, founder of Raffi Foundation For Child Honouring

This remarkable book will provide invaluable support to teachers as they confront the challenges of educating students in this troubled world. The authors provide practical solutions to virtually every situation, and they do so fully respecting the professionalism and leadership of teachers and the essential humanity of the children in their charge. A must-read book not only for teachers but also for parents, principals, and politicians. I couldn’t recommend it more highly.

The Honourable Landon Pearson, OC

The work that Hannah Beach and Tamara Neufeld Strijack have done to better understand the emotional needs of children is valuable for educators, parents, friends—indeed all of us with children in our lives. Their comprehensive research and insight will not only further children’s education but will truly reshape how we see emotion in the classroom—as a strength, not a weakness.

The Right Honourable Paul Martin

Reclaiming Our StidentsReclaiming Our Stidents. Hannah Beach and Tamara Neufeld Strijack

Copyright © 2020 by Hannah Beach and Tamara Neufeld Strijack

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright licence, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.

Cataloguing in publication information is available from Library and Archives Canada.

ISBN 978-1-989603-22-2 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-989603-23-9 (ebook)

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Page Two

www.pagetwo.com

Edited by Amanda Lewis

Copyedited by Crissy Calhoun

Cover design and illustration by Taysia Louie

Interior design by Setareh Ashrafologhalai

Interior illustrations by Alice Munro

Printed and bound in Canada by Friesens

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Distributed in the US and internationally by Publishers Group West, a division of Ingram

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www.reclaimingourstudents.com

Dedicated to our children and to our students—you have been our greatest teachers

Contents

Foreword by Gordon Neufeld, PhD

Preface

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1 The Dream versus the Reality

2 What’s Getting in the Way?

twoBecoming the Leader Our Students Need

3 How We Lead Matters

4 Building the Relationship

5 Feeding the Relationship

6 Protecting and Extending the Relationship

Three Common Challenges

7 What’s Behind the Behaviour?

8 The Child Who Is Anxious

9 The Child Whose Head Is in the Clouds

10 The Child Who Is Being Disruptive

11 The Child Who Is Resistant

12 The Child Who Has Shut Down and Doesn’t Seem to Care... about Anything

13 The Child Who Acts Bossy

14 The Child Who Acts Aggressively

15 The Child Who Bullies Others

fourIdentity Shifting

16 Shifting the Negative Identity of an Individual Child

17 Shifting the Negative Identity of a Group

fiveThriving

18 Emotional Safety

19 Towards Healthy Community

20 Cultural Wisdom Lost and Found

21 Waking Up

Introduction to the Inside-Out Handbook

Special Considerations

...for Parents

...for Teachers Wanting to Share Insights with Parents, and Parents Wanting to Share Insights with Teachers

...for Teachers Wanting to Talk with Their Principal

...for Principals

...for School Counsellors

...for Home Educators

Who’s Who?

Acknowledgements

Notes

About the Authors

Landmarks

Cover

Title Page

Half Title Page

Copyright Page

Table of Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Body Matter

Introduction

Acknowledgments

Action has meaning only in relationship and without understanding relationship, action on any level will only breed conflict. The understanding of relationship is infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.

J. Krishnamurti

Foreword

I’m delighted to have the honour of writing the foreword to this book. I suppose that I could be suspected of bias, being the father of one of the authors. On the other hand, I am quite convinced that the merits of this book stand apart from any prejudice I may have. I am confident that the readers will agree. I have had very little to do with this writing project, so I was even more delighted upon reviewing it to find an enthusiastic yes in me for what the authors had to say and for how they went about it. I believe they are giving answers to questions many educators are asking.

There is certainly a growing consciousness within our society that emotional well-being is at the heart of the matter with regards to the realization of a child’s potential, whether this be for learning, for maturation, for fulfillment, or ultimately for healthy integration into society. Academics can no longer be divorced from matters of the heart. This groundswell of awareness has brought me to many corners of the globe and provided me with a special opportunity to validate this concern.

While it is rare for me to encounter arguments against the adoption of emotional health as a school agenda, there is great confusion as how to best go about this. Do we add emotional literacy to the curriculum? Do we add programs to teach emotional self-regulation skills? Do we turn our attention to trying to improve the social interaction between children? Do we try to teach empathy to our children?

I am convinced that these programs, although well intentioned, do not get to the essence of what truly needs to be addressed. In some ways, the solution is actually much simpler as well as more accessible than what is commonly assumed. But we need to understand the nature of the problem before we can get to the solutions that will make a lasting difference.

The essence of the issue regarding emotional health and well-being is that children need to feel their emotions, even their most vulnerable ones. There is no humanity without feeling, no maturation without feeling, no resilience without feeling, no adaptation without feeling, no empathy without feeling.

I believe that the crisis of the emotional health among our children can be traced to the fact that they are losing their feelings—in spades—with disastrous outcomes for all. The loss of feeling is what is at the root of the loss of empathy, the increase in aggression problems, the increase in alarm problems, the loss of student engagement, the increased suicidal ideation, and even the epidemic of mental illness.

So what is the solution to the emotional health and well-being crisis of our students? If the root problem has to do with a chronic loss of feeling, the solution must have something to do with the preservation or at least restoration of feelings.

One part of the answer is relationships. Not the relationships between children, as is commonly thought, but rather the relationships between students and the adults responsible for them. The evidence is accumulating from every side: a safe emotional connection with a caring adult is the best guardian of a child’s heart. The impact of one good student-teacher relationship on emotional health and well-being can be profound and lasting. I am pleased that this book is about reclaiming our students so that we can serve this role for them.

The other part of the answer lies in providing emotional playgrounds for our students. The early Greek philosophers were convinced that human civilization was only possible if we took our emotions out to play. In fact, it was customary for every Athenian free-born child to learn to sing and to play the lyre, not in order to be able to perform but as a vehicle of emotional expression. And theatre was a participation activity for everyone, regardless of gender, age, or class. Today’s new science of play would confirm that the kind of emotional play that is possible in what we typically call the performing arts is absolutely pivotal to emotional health and well-being. It is not the performance part of the performing arts that holds the secret, however. It is when the movement and music and drama become a playground for the emotions that something naturally therapeutic happens. This doesn’t require an audience. The trick is to turn the performing arts into the expressive arts, and to think in terms of accessible activities rather than pre-planned programs. In my opinion, this is what this book does best. It is essentially about reclaiming our students so that we can lead them into the emotional playgrounds that will restore and preserve their emotional health and well-being, long after we may have left the scene.

The authors take the reader through the theory into a plethora of practices that are in keeping with this mission. What is special about the emotional health–promoting practices in this book is that they are all user-friendly and ready to be implemented, without requiring the support of a school system or school administration. Furthermore—and much to my liking—there is no self-consciousness created by these practices, for the students or the teachers. They just feel right to all involved. That is the remarkable thing about true play: its incredible emotional work is all done under the rather innocuous and playful camouflage of being up to nothing.

Nature has been taking care of us for eons. It turns out that emotions are a pivotal part of this plan. What takes care of emotions is right relationships and emotional playgrounds. In many ways, what is outlined here is a return to the basics of our civilization—to what is at the very heart of becoming fully human and humane. The good news is that the solutions to what ails our students are right under our noses. The trick is in seeing what is right under our noses and doing something about it. This book should help in this regard.

Reclaiming our students is about taking our rightful place in our students’ lives so that we can shield their hearts, as well as lead them to the playful activities that will preserve their emotional health and well-being. That is what our best teachers did for us, whether they knew it or not. This is what we can do for our students, whether they will know it or not.

I leave you in good hands. I hope you not only enjoy the read but also find some playful practices to help you take care of your students.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Preface

How this book came to be

Hannah

I was facilitating a workshop on emotional health and inclusion for a group of teachers when we began discussing their general exhaustion with their jobs. They shared that aggression in the class was wearing them down, they dreaded facing their classes each morning, and anxiety was on the rise among their students. They didn’t know what to do. They said it wasn’t the academic element that was challenging; it was the behaviour of the students. The teachers felt the students were disrespectful towards educators and fellow students alike—yelling, swearing, hitting, teasing, ridiculing, and bullying.

Sometimes, the teachers said, they no longer felt the importance of their role. Their students did not look to them for guidance, and they felt they had little to no impact.

I’d been more frequently hearing this theme from teachers, but something about the weariness and desperation of this particular group moved me. Perhaps it affected me that morning because when I was driving to the workshop, I had been listening to the radio and the hosts were discussing popular baby names. The hosts said that whatever you do, don’t pick a name that rhymes with something bad, as the child will be mercilessly teased at school. The hosts all laughed, and I was struck by how our culture accepts unkindness in school.

Our unwritten rules for our children are don’t wear anything that stands out, don’t have an unusual name, don’t reveal who you really are. Individuality is not exactly embraced in our school culture, while teasing and a general shutdown of caring feelings are the norm.

At the same time, teachers were losing their sense of the incredible importance of their role. They didn’t realize how desperately they were needed in their students’ lives, now more than ever.

I paused and took some time to reflect. I thought about the ways that children grow and that healthy communities develop, about how our culture is not supporting this growth and development in a healthy and nurturing way.

I began thinking back to when I was first introduced to the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Someone had given me a copy of his book Hold On to Your Kids (co-authored with Gabor Maté). It was a pivotal moment for me. I felt like I was being brought to our oldest and most profound wisdom, yet facing it anew. His insights resonated deeply—not as something academically interesting to ponder, but viscerally. Neufeld had been able to articulate and provide a language for the work I was doing every day, using relationship and emotional playgrounds to shift individuals and build healthy communities. He managed to illuminate what had previously felt intangible: the unfolding of human potential. Stirred, I sought out every path I could to learn more about this approach, eventually becoming a course facilitator with the Neufeld Institute.

As I offered professional development to teachers, I began to share the relational developmental approach of Neufeld alongside my relational experiential approach to supporting the emotional health of children and learning communities. Neufeld’s far-reaching insights tell the story of the science of emotion and the need for emotion to be expressed—and the applications I had developed supported teachers to find accessible ways to bring emotion alive in their classrooms. With these tools and frameworks, I was more hopeful as I looked for ways to support teachers with the challenges they were experiencing.

While studying with the Institute, I met Tamara, a registered clinical counsellor who is also Gordon Neufeld’s daughter. I attended her workshops and listened to her speak. I was captivated by how warmly she was able to invite others into the learning process. She navigated from an incredible place of heart and humility. Her intuitive ways of reaching children resonated with me, and I saw her guide others to discover this capacity in themselves. Many people told me how Tamara’s work with educators, parents, and counsellors was transforming the lives of children all over the world. We began to work and develop programs together, and I knew that I had found the perfect co-author for a book that had been percolating inside me for years.

Tamara

I had been teaching child development workshops for teachers and support staff and witnessing so much helplessness and even fear. It brought me back to when I began this journey, over twelve years ago. A junior high school had contracted me to help with a cyber-bullying incident, which was then a relatively new phenomenon.

From there, I started working with students, teachers, and parents to find healing and attempt to make a difference in their communities. I felt passionate about creating safe environments for students so they could learn and thrive. I recognized that students needed the security of relationship and opportunities for expression. In particular, I supported music, arts, and drama programs in the schools, as I saw their incredible potential for students’ growth.

Fast-forward ten years. I was working with the Neufeld Institute, a non-profit organization founded by my father, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a clinical psychologist and developmental theorist dedicated to making sense of children and putting parents and teachers back in the driver’s seat. The Institute’s central themes are unfolding human potential, the importance of relationships, understanding our human fragility and defenses, and the need for expression through play. From the beginning, I had been working with my father to create courses that brought this material to those who needed it most.

About nine years ago, I met Hannah at a conference in Montreal. I was introduced to her books on emotional expression through play and movement, and I remember admiring her innovative approach within schools to create change. Her work using relationships, experiential education, and expression clicked for me in terms of my own counselling practice and my work with children and adolescents.

A few years later, I had the opportunity to see one of the experiential programs she founded in action, as she brought a group of high school girls across the country to Vancouver Island, where they shared their work at Vancouver Island University. These girls were part of an inclusive self-discovery and community-building organization that explores social issues. There were girls representing all different backgrounds and abilities, faiths, skin colours, and body sizes. Most of them had never studied drama or dance before joining Hannah’s program. These young women shared the movement and expressive art pieces that they had created about their own lives and struggles, social injustices, and causes that were important to them. I was so moved, and it was truly inspiring to see the incredible heart that Hannah had for the young people she worked with and how she created safety and opportunity for expression and discovery.

Hannah’s experiential work with students was growing and gaining national interest. She was developing programs for children of all ages and for schools across Canada. The Canadian Human Rights Commission recently published the stories of five Canadians who are creating change for human rights in Canada, and one of them was about Hannah. Many education departments within universities were looking to Hannah’s innovative approach as a way to assist teachers to support the emotional growth of their students.

I got to know her work more intimately when she became a course facilitator with the Institute. So when Hannah approached me about this book and invited me to collaborate, I felt both honoured and excited. I was in! To be working alongside someone with the same vision, who has such warmth and passion, as well as determination and stick-to-it-iveness—well, it is a gift.

Together

Both of us had educators, counsellors, school boards, and parents coming to us, requesting consultation on how to create change. We began to develop and co-facilitate workshops on emotional health in learning communities, in both rural regions and urban centres. We started co-teaching child development courses at the faculty of education of a local university from a relational and developmental perspective.

We looked at what might lower anxiety and reduce aggression in students, as well as enliven our schools and awaken compassion, discovery, and a sense of community. Over many cups of tea, many ferry rides (we live on an island, albeit a big one!) and many, many late nights... a book began to take shape.

We have worked hands-on with children and teachers for over two decades, developing emotional and social health programs. We have worked individually in different areas of the country, as well as collaboratively. We bring this experience, and our heart for children and educators, into this book.

We’re not schoolteachers. Our role has been to support emotional health in children, both in the classroom and outside the school setting. We’ve also had the important job of working alongside teachers in supporting their students, in an effort to make their job easier and more fulfilling. We are honoured to have worked alongside so many incredible educators, many of whose stories are shared in this book.

How this book is written

Although this book has been co-authored, we decided to write it in the singular. While each of us brings our unique experiences, we thought it would be distracting to keep saying I, Hannah or I, Tamara. The important thing is that we are in unison in terms of our vision and our approach, so our stories and experiences have been blended to create an easier read. (If you are curious about who is who, there is a page at the end of the book that will give you some hints.)

We have also changed the specific names and circumstances of our students and their teachers to protect their identities. If a last name has been included beside the first name of a student or teacher, that indicates that this is the person’s real name and they have given their consent to be named in the book.

Throughout this book, you will see cues that direct you to the Inside-Out Handbook. If you’re wondering, What can I do now? this handbook will support you with activities to bring about change in your classroom. You can download this book for free at reclaimingourstudents.com.

We do not recommend you begin working with the activities until you have read Reclaiming Your Students in full, as this book provides a context within which to best support your students as you engage in the activities together.

How this book’s approach is different

Systemic change is not the focus of this book. We both feel that systemic change would support the growth of emotional health in schools. Smaller classrooms, for instance, would give teachers more time and ability to develop relationships with their students, as well as offer more support for students with particular needs. But we wanted this book to be useful for every educator who works with children in any capacity. This book is for you, even if you have no access to the outdoors, or your classroom is crowded and surrounded by concrete, or you have a rigid principal and school board, or no power whatsoever over the curriculum.

Although we believe systemic change would help create the conditions for better emotional and social health, it is not the essence of what is needed. The most powerful path will be the insights you develop in understanding the power of relationships, how children grow and learn, the meaning behind their behaviours, and how to create strategies for change that are connected to understanding individual children and healthy community. We hope to help you see your students’ stuck behaviours differently so you can support them through to a new way of being.

This book is going to lead you to understand how change happens and where it comes from. You’re not going to have to memorize anything. There are no steps or prescriptive strategies. This book is not about helping you to become a superhero. It’s not about being extraordinary or the perfect teacher. It’s not about pushing yourself at all; in fact, it’s rather the opposite. It’s about going back to the essence of how human beings work and looking to the roots of human need—connection and attachment. You are going to learn about the types of connections that children need and how to build these connections so that your students can become attached to you, as their leader in the classroom. So let’s begin by exploring what that classroom looks like, in our dreams and in reality.

The relational developmental approach in this book is rooted in and inspired by the theoretical model developed by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, founder of the Neufeld Institute. For more information on Neufeld and the work of the Institute, visit neufeldinstitute.org.

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Stuck

The gardener does not make a plant grow. The job of a gardener is to create optimal conditions.

Sir Ken Robinson

The Dream versus the Reality

The dream

Imagine for a minute your dream class, the class you would want to walk into every morning. A class you would actually be excited to lead.

What does this class look like? What does it feel like for you?

We all probably picture our dream class differently. But I bet there are some commonalities in what we envision. Our students:

are engaged

feel safe

are willing to make mistakes and take risks

are full of curiosity

are able to fall into a flow state of learning

feel an energy and excitement towards learning

Fundamentally, I bet we envision students thriving in our dream classroom. You might already feel like that is dreaming too big, but I’d like to take this up a notch anyway. Let’s now think of the overall culture of the classroom. In our classroom, students:

care about their classroom community

are curious in the face of difference

are open to each other’s perspectives

show kindness towards each other

demonstrate respect for each other’s opinions

contribute to a culture of safety

are full of feeling

are connected

Fundamentally, I bet we imagine a culture of togetherness in which each student’s individuality can emerge. Okay, I know we are dreaming really big now, but let’s go for gold. Our dream thriving classroom would have students who were inspired to show up in the world. These students would feel their capacity and the unique gifts they each had to offer, and they would sense the space and invitation for them to share these gifts with the world.

And finally, in this dream thriving classroom, there would be a learning culture that everyone—teachers and students alike—would embody, build, and protect together. The class culture would not shift if we left the room. As our students grew older and closer to becoming independent adults, we would see them continue to do their schoolwork and treat each other with respect, regardless of whether we were in the room or not. Our students would no longer behave or do their schoolwork or treat each other nicely just for us, as their teachers. Their motivation for doing these things would come from elsewhere—from within, from their own internal motivation and drive to learn, as well as their personal investment in the positive class culture and their own part in making our world a better place. Their hearts would become wide awake—both to themselves and to each other.

As you may imagine, teaching in this kind of environment would be fulfilling and engaging. You actually might be as excited about what you are teaching as the kids would be about learning. Your students would fill you up and energize you. You would be thriving just as your students would be.

A teacher’s calling is to ignite the fire within each child, to inspire them, to help them learn, to support them, to open their eyes to possibilities, and to help them sense the humanity in each other. Teaching in this dream environment would connect you to your calling as an educator and your work would have meaning and purpose.

Now, let’s take a look at the reality. Here’s what many of our classrooms—too many of our classrooms—actually feel like.

The reality

Classrooms have become an overwhelming place for far too many of us, teachers and students alike.

Our classrooms are often filled with anxious children, displaying the alarm they feel inside in various ways. Aggression is on the rise, and there are few teachers who say that they haven’t experienced outbursts of verbal or physical attacks by students, either towards themselves or other students. We have children coming to us with a whole array of problems. Many of our students are demanding, bossy, and controlling. Others appear shut down and seem to care about very little. We see much teasing and taunting between students. And in almost all schools, bullying has become a concern for us as we seek to keep our children safe.

When a classroom is filled with chaos, anxiety, and behaviours we don’t understand, finding a way back to our dream of a thriving learning community can feel impossible. We are probably looking for ways to make it simply okay—just survivable for everyone. Good enough. We might be wondering how to best get through the day, the week, or the year.

I too have been there and know how hard it can be, amid all the chaos, to wonder, What am I supposed to do to fix this? Is change even possible for my toughest students?

I am guessing that one of the reasons you are reading this book is so that you can fulfill your calling. Your desire for your students to behave, become engaged, and so on isn’t just so that your job becomes easier or more fun. If you wanted an easy job, you wouldn’t have picked teaching! Teaching isn’t a job; it’s a calling. Teachers are called to reach kids. Teachers are called to help their students become the best they can be. What can wear a teacher down is their inability to fulfill their calling, as mystifying behavioural challenges can get in the way.

But you picked up this book because along with the fears, challenges, and weariness you may be experiencing, you still have hope and you can still dream of something better. There is something inside of you that holds a belief in possibility along with a desire to create change. I’m not saying that change will be easy or instant, but it