The Island of Evil Chair

By Jenna Katerin Moran

...
Now and then Jaime gets washed out to sea, whereupon he inevitably washes up on the shore of the Island of Evil Chair.

This collection of short stories by author Jenna Katerin Moran includes:

"Woo-Wobble-Wobble," about the Council at the End of the World, that watches you through its magic glass, and judges;

"Easy," about the end of suffering in our troubled world;

"Evangeline's Star," a brand new story, about the origin of the sun;

"The Birdcage," another story first appearing in this volume, about the difficulties that one may face when one runs away;

"Frognarok," about fighting evil frogs to remedy the fallen condition of humanity;

"Walk Away," another new story, about Pandora's jar;

"The 100% Evil-Free Skeleton," about an incredible scientific discovery;

"As to Why You Should Drink the Coffee We Sell Here ...," about the War on Christmas;

and a full three stories about Jaime and the Island of Evil Chair,
... including the never-before-shown "the Secret History of Evil Chair!"

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jenna Katerin Moran
• Release date: Mar 3, 2020

Jenna Katerin Moran

Having finally defeated the kung fu ghost of Rene Magritte, I'd like to settle down and live in a house made of macaroni for a while.

Book preview

The Island of Evil Chair

by

Jenna Katerin Moran

Copyright © 2010-2019 by Jenna K. Moran

All rights reserved.

Smashwords Edition

All characters in these stories are fictitious or heavily fictionalized. Readers are advised against drawing conclusions about or regarding persons living or dead based on this material.

Portions of this material have appeared previously on hitherby.com.

In memoriam

Alice Gillberg

Zach Best

And with special thanks to

Cync Brantley

Chrysoula Tzavelas

R’ykandar Korra’ti

Gretchen Shanrock-Solberg

Rand Brittain

Anthony Damiani

Amy Sutedja

and

Kathryn Tewson

Table of Contents

Woo-Wobble-Wobble

Easy

Evangeline’s Star

sponsored by Naomi Nabbit

The Birdcage

sponsored by Moah

The Island of Evil Chair: Perspective

Frognarok

Walk Away

sponsored by Gregory Rapawy

The 100% Evil-Free Skeleton

The Island of Evil Chair: For Those Whom You Despise

As to Why You Should Drink the Coffee We Sell Here, As Opposed to the Coffee Sold in World and Sound and

The Island of Evil Chair: The Secret History of Evil Chair

sponsored by John Eure

Woo-Wobble-Wobble

Scrumjan the Sea Monster is wobbly and fierce. He is hideous and horrid. He sits in the Council beyond the Edge of the World and he judges.

Woo-wobble-wobble, he says, shaking himself. Humanity is terrible and full of sin.

His tendrils and his body shiver like jelly. If you could taste them, they’d taste more like offal than jelly, but there would be a bit of a sweet huckleberry sugary taste to them.

Woo-wobble-wobble-wobble, says Scrumjan the Sea Monster.

Then he gestures, with a slimy tentacle, at the Mirror of Sight!

The image in the mirror skims across the world of human life. It pauses briefly on Shelley, who is making brownies.

DEE generate, declares Scrumjan.

The mirror skims past Emily, who is in school, listening to her teacher and sometimes picking her nose.

Sinful! snaps Scrumjan.

The mirror finally settles in on Diane, who is sitting at a table, at a restaurant, out on her first date with John.

Lester the Adorable Earwig is a giant squiggly earwig. His nametag designates him adorable. He sits in the Council beyond the Edge of the World and he judges.

How perfidious a creature is woman, says Scrumjan.

Ah-ah, smiles Lester. But is she more or less perfidious a creature than man?

Scrumjan shivers. His body woo-wobble-wobbles softly. That is a difficult one, Lester. Very difficult!

Lester chitters smugly.

I would say, says Scrumjan, that because a woman can become pregnant, she has more capacity for perfidy; and because humans in general exercise such capacities fully, that she is more perfidious—on the whole.

Lester scowls. He had wanted to stump Scrumjan.

Pecuny is a silky ooze. There are bits of many colors in Pecuny. They are not admirably arranged.

Pecuny sits in the Council beyond the Edge of the World and he judges.

These two, Pecuny says. Their minds are full of unworthy thoughts. Let us punish them.

Punish! Punish! Woo-wobble-wobble-wobble! says Scrumjan.

No! says Lester. He is still sulking. We have an arrangement. We cannot punish them until they are dead.

But look at how she is eating that breadstick, says Pecuny. And he! He is using the dinner fork for his salad!

Not until they are dead, Lester says. He squiggles about in mild agitation. We have rules. They may still redeem themselves while they’re alive, you know.

Pfah, pfahs Pecuny.

Lester is right, says Scrumjan, sadly. Look. She is muttering something. Can anyone read lips?

Diane is leaning in towards John. She mutters, Hey, I think we’re being watched by the Council beyond the Edge of the World.

Ugh , says John.

I think they’re talking about sex, Lester says. He squints. His eyes are not very good, even though they’re faceted.

John eats another bite of salad. He uses the dinner fork again.

Want to play a trick on them? Diane says.

John suddenly grins. Really? You have a radiator?

"I do," says Diane.

Lester leans back. Well, that’s that. Judged and found unworthy. Let’s move on.

Diane reaches into her purse. She subtly sets her radiator to evil.

Wait, says Scrumjan. He wobbles.

Diane picks up her salad fork, malevolently. She takes a bite of her salad. She chews. She chews her salad like each bite is a genocide.

Woo-wobble-wobble! says Scrumjan, in distress.

Diane licks her lips with filthy, horrid intent. She reaches for her water glass. She picks it up. She drinks it.

Scum! shouts Lester. Scum! Scum! Scum!

Lester does the earwig dance of absolute horror. It is not adorable at all.

Diane adjusts the radiator to encompass John.

What’s it set to? John asks. His voice is ripe with evil; there is good probability, Pecuny assesses, that he is even at that moment indwelt by the Devil.

Evil, Diane says. It is suddenly obvious to everyone who looks at her that she has never been baptized.

Um, is that a good idea? John frets, eyes bulging with selfish shortsightedness.

Wait, says Diane. She stretches out the torture. Wait—

"We must punish them now! shrieks Pecuny. Now! Now! N—erk."

Diane has flipped the radiator to perfect good.

Huh, says Scrumjan.

There is a dead silence in the Council beyond the Edge of the World as Diane finishes her salad and pushes the plate back.

Huh, agrees Pecuny.

Woo-wobble-wobble-wobble, whispers Scrumjan, uncertainly.

It is a miracle, concludes Lester.

Grace, Scrumjan agrees.

We are privileged to witness a miracle, says Lester. Because we ourselves are good.

Woo-wobble-wobble.

Yet—

Diane grins. Her water glass in front of her lips, she says, Now I’ll take the radiator out and dump it in the trash, and they’ll probably spend the rest of the day thinking about how wonderful trash is.

Heh, snorts John, in the blessed fashion of the saints.

Diane walks out of the restaurant. She looks around. There is a public trash can on the other side of the street. She begins to cross.

Woo-wobble-wobble! cries Scrumjan. That car! It will hit her!

It will end her perfect grace! shouts Pecuny.

This must not be!

Scrumjan dives through the mirror and into the human world. The sound of the car as it strikes the sea monster is the sound of death come to huckleberry. There is Scrumjan splashed on the windshield and on Diane’s new suit and on Diane’s face.

Diane, she sprains her ankle as she falls.

Easy

It’s New Years’ Eve on the last year of people sufferin’.

Here’s how it goes. One day, late in December, everybody suddenly wakes up knowin’. Some people take a little longer, but not that much.

This is it, they realize.

That’s all.

After this, things are easy.

And there are people who just go into denial immediately because they can’t have things that good. And there’s more than a few think it’s freaky and terrifying and that maybe the whole world’s going to die. There’s some of the Saved who think they’re going to Heaven and some of the pretty-certain-I’m-damned who’d be shocked if they were. There’s old white guys in suits and ties that don’t know what to make of it, except that they’d better do any killing they’re wanting to do in a hurry just in case January 1st is too late.

Couldn’t it have waited until the new fiscal year? they grumble.

This calendrical thing—so outdated!

And there’s plenty of people who are angry ’cause the gay people will be happy, or the women, or the men, or the black folk, or the white folk, or their parents, or their children, or whatnot.

Plenty, yeah.

But for most of them, it passes quick. Even for people who hate others more than they love themselves, it passes quick.

There’s this kind of magnanimous feeling that they fall right into. Yeah, there’s some resentment that the world’s turning sweet and they’ve still got to share—

That they’d let those people into the New Year—

But in the end, what with the New Year and all, it’s easy to be gracious. It’s easy to say: well, good. At least they won’t come crying and stomping to me about their problems any more.

And there are fathers and mothers who shed endless tears for the children who didn’t quite make it, and fathers and mothers who weep in joy because their children will. And there’s this thing in late December where people mostly stay off the roads, they stay at home, they only work if they love their job or if they can’t keep the electricity on till the 1st in any other way. And each death that happens in those last few days is a tragedy, just as unwanted deaths always are, but people maybe make a bigger deal of it now.

There’s a big speech on television