ThisWriter’s Life:Ever Undone

By Courtney Caswell-Peyton

A poignant chronicle of the stages of life, aimed particularly at mothers and daughters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: theintuitivescribe
• Release date: Oct 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781456606350

Book preview

Childhood: The Comforts of Home

I Believe in Santa Claus!

It is Christmas Eve and of course, I am excited!  Other than New Year’s Eve, it is my favorite night of the year because the hush that comes at nightfall has murmurs of excitement in it—so, while there is the illusion of quiet, there is also the whispery chattering of anticipation.  The black of night seems darker than any other night of the year and if there is snow, it always reflects brightly against the night so that Santa Claus can see where he needs to land his sleigh.

You are an adult, you say.  Adults are too old to believe in Santa Claus."  And my mother might agree with you.  But, I still believe in Santa Claus!  Once everyone else was asleep, I had tried my best to fall asleep as well.  I have already been warned by Mom that no one else in the house intends to get up at between 5 and 6 a.m. to open gifts.  So, I have to be patient.

You are getting older now, so we thought we’d celebrate by having a leisurely Christmas.  Sleeping in…brunch…. She makes no mention of presents.  I am nineteen at the time and I still care about presents.

What about the presents?  I probe.

They’re going to be much lighter this year, but there will be some.

I finally fall asleep despite my restless mind.  But, I am awakened by some sort of thud that sounded like someone has jumped on our house.

If that’s Santa, we have no chimney—how will he get in?  I think to myself.

I look at the roof intently.  Someone’s definitely up there. Then I see unexpected light that guides me into our living room.

Is it the tree?  Maybe.  I should look.

I skulk out to our living room in nightclothes and I swear that I see a shadowy figure of a man putting a present under the tree.  (He sure looked like Santa Claus to me!)

I wake up early (between 5 and 6 a.m.) with an urgent sense of eagerness.  I tell no one what I saw.  Everyone else rises at 8 a.m. I go out to the tree with Mom.

She asks, Want to open some presents?

Sure!  I say.

Mom looks confused.  Very confused. I didn’t buy that one, but let’s see what it is.

Santa bought it, I say.

She rolls her eyes.  You are far too old to believe in Santa Claus!

I disagree.

The Penny Saver

Patty saved her pennies—Until they made some cents.

Patty hoped she’d have the cents to save her pennies—

Without them being spent.

Patty spent some time wandering about town.

And each place that Patty went, she picked up pennies off the ground.

On the ground were often pennies—

Enough to make some dimes.

So, Patty and her pennies

Went out for some good times!

Time came ‘round again

To save more pennies into cents.

So that how her cents would spend

Was on something that made sense.

Patty sensed enough to wander

And she wandered ‘round and ‘round.

And each place that Patty went,

She picked up pennies off the ground.

On the ground were often pennies—

More and more each time.

And time came ‘round again

To save her pennies into dimes.

 The dimes added up real fast,

Because Patty saved her cents.

And Patty hoped she’d have the cents

To make her pennies last and not be spent.

But Patty—spent one day, ran right out the door,

Ran Patty with her pennies—that she could save no more!

Patty ran and ran around

Until she and all her pennies

Were found outside the pound!

Patty counted pennies,

And Patty counted dimes.

A pound of cents had Patty

That she counted many times!

Each time Patty counted pennies,

It left her in a fog.

So, into the pound went Patty

To come out with a dog.

The dog she liked was Penny.

Penny cost her all her dimes.

But Patty was sure that Penny

Would give her some good times!

Time came to give her pound of pennies—

A trade made for the dog—

The dog came outside with Patty

Who was still in a cents-less fog.

 In this fog ran the dog and Patty.

They ran ‘round and ‘round the pound.

And soon Penny and cents-less Patty

A friend in each other found!

Patty and her dog Penny ran all over town.

And when Penny and Patty ran,

They picked up pennies off the ground!

On the ground were cents—

More and more each time.

And Penny for cents-less Patty—

Would pick up cents (scents) each time!

Times like this took hours, weeks, and sometimes days.

Days Patty and dog Penny would pick up cents to save.

Then Patty did save Penny from all the cents stored in her mouth.

From Penny’s mouth while she was eating---

The metal from cents came out!

Dog Penny almost choked

And cents-less Patty was now broke!

Out of her mind went Patty—

Worried for her friend,

Her friend, Penny dog and Patty

Went to the vet to mend!

Soon mended Penny dog

From the metal cents that she picked up.

And though Patty was still cents-less,

She was glad to still have Penny pup!

Sprinkles

A girl with an ice cream cone

Looked up into the sky blue dome

Every insect was flying around

Wings and bodies high above the ground

She spotted a butterfly--sure

With spots on his body galore

She said, Those look like sprinkles to me.

As she pointed upward with her one hand free.

"Do you think that that butterfly would plunge to me?

To make my ice cream taste yummy?

I can taste his spots straight away--

They'd turn my boring vanilla into a tasty sorbet."

I Gave You to Love

Ellen had always been told that she was special.  So, when she heard a woman that sounded similar but different to her mother calling her baby over the phone, she was not surprised.  It's what YOU want, the first voice said in just slightly enough of a comforting tone to be recognized as her mother. Hi, Baby! chirped the second voice similar to an enthusiastic sister or best friend energy.

Ellen tried to greet the second voice with an equally enthusiastic hello only to get no response other than to be cut off by the first voice saying, I'd like you to come HERE.  Whosever voice it was (she was pretty sure it was the sweet urgings of her mother) had some sort of subtle agenda to uproot Ellen from the comfort of her bungalow home several thousand miles closer in her direction.  Perhaps a surprise or some sort of soothing reunion.  She attempted again to react to her mother's hopes, speaking into the phone slowly and carefully just as certain that she would be ignored, as she was that it was her mother's voice in the first place.

When she finished her sentence, she waited expectantly, only to be met with-NOTHING.  She moved the receiver from just over her ear to just in front of her eyes and looked at the handset puzzledly.  She was SURE that it was her mother and her mother would not ignore her.  Was she really there?  She thought so, but maybe not.  She pressed her finger firmly down on the talk button to end the call, and rolled her eyes thinking perhaps that she had not spoken loudly enough and thinking nothing else more sinister about it at that time.

Several days later, Ellen was standing in the shadows of the morning light doing the dishes feeling a bit weak at the knees and yet doing her chores dutifully to ensure that the mess would not pile up to some sort of insurmountable proportions when she was overcome with a flash of something from before.  A crystal clear picture came into her mind of a place (definitely not her own) with a barn and some water.  She could tell from the surroundings that the weather was warm and she felt this aching, longing feeling to know its significance since it was evident that she had been there before, though not in quite a long time.

Just as quickly as the vision had come, she was swiftly transported back to reality-still standing on the coarse softness of the mat in front of her kitchen sink.  While she had not realized it at the time, she was jolted from her bleary alternate reality by the ringing of her kitchen phone.  When she came to enough to realize that its’ ringing required a response, she answered hearing her mother's voice on the other end.  As if she was party to some sort of déjà vu experience, she heard her mother echo the very same words on the real time phone call that she had heard on the past voice transmission.  Hi, honey, it's Mom.  Listen, I think it would be a great idea if you would find some time to come here.

Ellen's Mom paused and we are party to the ginger expression on her face as she contemplates in silent dread what her daughter's reaction might be to her very off the cuff request.  For it had been a number of years since they both had seen one another and while the prospect left her giddy with some sort of unearthed jubilation, she still had her doubts as to whether or not the two would be destined to get along after all of these years apart.  In the old days and under normal circumstances, this type of closeness would have come very naturally and in fact, the idea of it being anywhere near problematic would have been unheard of.   But that was quite some time ago and the passing years had somehow only worked to cause some sort of imaginary divide between Mom and Ellen that Mom was particularly sensitive to due to the things that she had kept from her daughter.

It was little to no surprise to Ellen's Mom when Ellen's reaction was silent, slow and awkward. I guess it has been a long time and I think I would like that, Ellen ventured in a muffled and cautious tone.  Do you think you might know when you might be able to come out?  I'd like to do a few things to prepare for your arrival, Ellen's Mom probed.  I'll check my calendar in the next few days and let you know.  Great, sweetie.  I'll look forward to it.  Ellen's mother's tone carried a hopeful wistfulness as she hung up in anticipation of closing the cavernous gap between them as soon as humanly possible and returned to her solitary life miles and miles away from her daughter in both body and spirit.

Once off the phone and with dishes virtually completed, Ellen suddenly realized that the weekend meant that she had some extra, unforeseen puttering time to rifle through all that she had stored and know exactly what she had versus what she