Harry Says

By Barry Mitchell

Harry Says is mostly set in London in the middle of the 21st century, though our hero Harry the Hamster also travels to Las Vegas and Bangkok as he follows a career as an international entertainer and celebrity. But how does a hamster become a celebrity? The technology of genetic modification has taken a giant leap forward in the previous forty years. One experimental project goes wrong and a number of genetically modified animals with human characteristics end up being released into society. Our hero is Harry, but you will meet other X-Pets (as they are called): Porky the Pig, the wealthy owner of Casino Byzantium and founder of piggypoker.com, “Bloodbath” Henry the cat, Will the Pit, a pit bull terrier, the Corgi brothers (loved by the whole nation) and most importantly of all, Big Cheese the cat. Big Cheese is the mover and shaker of the X-Pet community and a spokesperson for the group. Early on in the story he meets Harry and becomes his mentor. Big Cheese oversees Harry’s rise to fame and fortune.
Things go well at first for the X-Pets, but unfortunately they take on some of the more undesirable characteristics of their human creators. The X-Pets become controversial and their destiny is played out against a background of political manoeuvring involving human characters. We meet Mr W who is in psychiatric care and who gives an account of the life and career of The Master, the dominant political figure of the age. Alex Pendrivel is a journalist at Britain Today who writes about the X-Pet phenomenon. Charlie Spitzenburger is CEO of Neazo Inc., a corporation with interests in genetic modification. These and other human characters all affect the destiny of the X-Pets.
Harry Says is a mixture of fantasy, science fiction and social satire.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barry Mitchell
• Release date: Jul 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9781370388622

Barry Mitchell

I was born in Belfast in N Ireland in 1958. I currently live in Somerset in England. I am a musician by training and work for several educational institutions in the UK and abroad, teaching both English and music. I am currently a senior member of the examinations team of the International Baccalaureate Organisation with particular responsibility for the extended essay in music. My book on writing an extended essay or dissertation about music draws on my experience of marking hundreds of music essays for several educational institutions.

Book preview

Chapter 1: Go For It

Santa Maria del Rosell hospital, Cartagena, Spain. 4.00pm, 24 July 2045. The hospital is a red brick and featureless modern building. It is quiet outside. The only sound is the rasping of cicadas. It is siesta time and it is very hot. In a room on the second floor air con helps to make it bearable. There is one patient in the room. He lies quietly on the bed. Beside the bed a couple of machines monitor his vital signs. There are two nurses in the room, the nuns Sister Dolores and Sister Francesca. They are watching the patient with concern.

I don’t think he can last much longer.

Yes, the end may come soon I think.

What this patient needs is a priest, not a doctor.

A priest...under the circumstances would that be appropriate?

I don’t know what the teaching is on these things.

They stop talking and look at the patient. On the bed a hamster lies dying. Even though he knows that in days, maybe even hours, it will all be over he is facing death with courage and dignity. The white bed sheets are tightly drawn across the top of the bed. His forelegs lie on top of the sheets, leaving only his head and chest visible. His signature Rayblokkers rest on the top of his pink little nose. Only death will part him from those Rayblokkers. His breathing is slow and quiet. He is flickering in and out of consciousness.

Sister Dolores decides to act. I’m worried. I’m going to page Dr Delgado.

She makes the call. In a few minutes Dr Delgado is at the patient’s bedside.

What’s the problem?

The vital signs; I think he’s going.

Dr Delgado leans over the patient to make an assessment.

There’s only one thing that can save this patient: a full brain to body transplant. It is lucky for him that we have a suitable donor. An English tourist drowned in a swimming pool late last night. A tragic accident.

Harry, Mr Harry, can you hear me? This is Dr Delgado. I’ve been looking after you during your stay here at Santa Maria del Rosell. Please say if you can hear me, or nod your head.

The hamster gives a little nod.

This is very important. You urgently need a brain to body transplant and we have a suitable donor. We can operate now but we need your consent. You must let me know if you understand what is happening.

Slowly the hamster raises a foreleg and pushes the Rayblokkers onto his forehead.

I must warn you there are certain risks associated with this operation, says Dr Delgado. The two Sisters murmur agreement in a concerned tone. The hamster raises his head a little from the pillow. His voice is quiet and weak.

Harry says ....go for it.

Chapter 2: So Harry is a Goner

So Harry is a goner. How many times have I heard that? Harry’s all washed up, finished. It was mousecrap then and it’s mousecrap now. I’ve heard it all before. Wrong every time. Harry always bounces back. How many times have I said that, Harry always bounces back and I’m always right.

If I had croaked, which I didn’t do and was never going to do, I can just see the headlines. Pendrivel at Britain Today would have a field day.

GOODBYE TO A MONSTER

with a story to match. Really sticking the boot in. The guys at GUYnacology magazine would be gutted.

HARRY WE LOVED YOU GOODBYE MATE

Maybe The Times would go for something like -

THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS HAMSTER DIES

and what about the BBC? I’d be up there with all the biggies.

"Harry the Hamster died tonight in a hospital in Cartagena in Spain. He had been living at the nearby resort of La Manga for several years. A report from Santa Maria del Rosell hospital said that he died peacefully at 4.30 this afternoon. He had been ill for some time. Harry first came to the attention of the public five years ago when a news item in The East London Mercury reported the fact that he had fathered a world record hamster litter. Later Harry was the best known of the so-called X-Pets, illegally genetically modified animals that found their way into the pet shop market and some farms. The origin of the X-Pets still remains a mystery."

At least you could use Pendrivel to get a laugh. That whining nasal voice at my first press conference. So Harry, are you an animal who is half human or a human who is half animal?

A titter of laughter. Then my reply.

I could ask you the same question.

Uproar. That one hit the screens within ten minutes and went around the world in an hour. If there was anyone on the planet who hadn’t heard of Harry the Hamster they had now. My face was everywhere. But Pendrivel had had it in for me ever since. I made him look stupid. But as that clever cat Big Cheese said, annoy the media at your peril.

Chapter 3: Mr W

Mr G Poznansky

The Psychiatric Dept.,

Glasgow Hospital

25 Sauchiehall St

Glasgow

GL2 1BY

Dr William Evans

The Psychiatric Dept.,

St Mary’s Hospital

4 Willow Gardens

Edinburgh

EZ6 5HT

Ref GWP/MC/290543

29-05-2043

Dear Bill

Re: The patient known as Mr W.

I have enclosed some case notes and tapes regarding a patient I have been treating for six months now. I would welcome your opinion on this patient and hope that you will look over the material. I think that this case will benefit from a fresh perspective, for reasons that I’m sure will become apparent when you read the notes. The notes are fairly comprehensive, but I’ll briefly outline the state of play to date.

Six months ago the Glasgow police brought Mr W to the outpatients department of this hospital. He had been sleeping rough on the streets (in very inclement weather) and was unwashed and generally unkempt. Passers-by had complained that he had been standing in the middle of a city centre street and shouting. The police brought him straight here, where he was admitted.

There was no evidence of alcohol or drug abuse, but the patient was obviously disturbed. He talked constantly of his fear of someone, or something. But his behaviour was odd and frightening rather than violent or aggressive. He seemed more of a danger to himself than anyone else. The outpatient staff - as ever - coped very well and Mr W was soon admitted by the SHO on duty, Dr Watts. I have been looking after his case ever since.

One of the most frustrating aspects of the case is that the patient’s real name and identity remain unknown. He is known as Mr W because, when first asked for his name he replied,

My name is Woe. Though when talking to the patient we call him Dan, and he responds to this name.

Mr W presents several psychological problems. He has a horror of sleep and goes to some lengths to stop himself from going to sleep. But lack of sleep only exacerbates his other problems. See the notes for my prescriptions. Mr W suffers from various delusions of a paranoid nature, chief among which is an obsessive fear of cats. There is also a strong need for self-punishment. There is a degree of self-hatred and a kind of religious mania. Much of Mr W’s thoughts are focused on a figure who he refers to as The Master.

Mr W comes across as well-educated and I have no doubt that before his breakdown he was a professional person. His accent indicates that he is from the south of England.

I suspect that the key to Mr W’s case lies in finding a link or links between seemingly unrelated elements in his psychosis. Perhaps you will be able to see something that I have missed.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes

Yours sincerely

Geoff

Mr G Poznansky

Consultant Psychiatrist

Chapter 4: Casino Byzantium

When the crowds were gone Porky sometimes liked to survey his domain, Casino Byzantium. Others might call it Porky's Palace and Porky didn't mind that, but in his own mind it was always Casino Byzantium. Casino Byzantium was situated in a large converted warehouse in London's docklands. The original building had some of the grandeur and confidence that marked nineteenth-century industrial architecture. There was a touch of the Renaissance palazzo despite the mundane purpose for which the building was built. Porky had not changed the exterior much (the building was listed anyway) but had transformed the inside. The first two floors were devoted to the casino and the upper floors housed offices and Porky's apartment. Porky's apartment was remarkable in its own right as adapting living accommodation to the needs of a large member of the peccary family had not been easy. It had been expensive, but worth it.

The first thing the visitor to Casino Byzantium noticed was the entrance doors. They were still the original doors and were huge and gold. Not solid gold of course, but covered with gold. Not only that, but they had carved panels. Each door had four panels on the theme of Lady Luck. Porky had commissioned them personally from a local artist. Once the punter made it through the doors, and you can bet they were already impressed, they moved into the lobby. The lobby was a spacious area carpeted in luxurious red. A marble staircase - Italian marble - led to the first floor. In a classy touch, the carpet did not go up to the sides of the stairs but was held on about a foot from the edge with brass clips. The stairs led to the main area of the casino. To both the right and the left of the stairs on the ground floor were areas devoted to slot machines. Slot machines were a good earner but they weren't very classy, so Porky had gone for a compromise. Have the slots but have them downstairs. Apart from anything else, people would try their luck again on the way out. Many people had lost nearly everything in the casino proper and then lost the rest on the slots. Give it one last go. It was, however, virtually impossible to win a serious amount on slots.

Porky liked to stand inside the doors and look around, then make his way up the stairs into the casino. Of course making sure that he had no mud on his hooves. The carpet cost fifty newros per square metre and had been commissioned from Wilton, England's finest bespoke commercial carpet manufacturers. The initial view of the main casino floor was designed to impress. The casino floor was a large area with two rows of ten columns creating an aisle in the centre. The celling was very high. The columns were Corinthian and the capitals were covered with gold leaf. The bodies of the columns were clad with alternatively green and blue marble from Italy. The whole place had the same plush red carpet throughout. The attention to detail was incredible. The roulette table was carved from a single piece of an exotic hardwood from northern Thailand. The chairs were all Italian designer. Even the backgammon board was made of rare and