Mouth: Rants and Routines

By Cliff Burns

This is a book comprised of over 40 short essays or "routines" that employ savage satire and black comedy to mock and ridicule all things Politically Correct. From the far Left of the ideological spectrum, Canadian author Cliff Burns fearlessly skewers the P.C. mentality, especially its tendency to focus on trendy social causes, while neglecting larger, more pressing concerns, like the plight of hungry, vulnerable people around the world, income inequality and the existential threat posed by climate change. MOUTH: RANTS AND ROUTINES is a book that will alternately amuse and infuriate, an unrelenting, no-holds-barred assault on narcissism and human stupidity, a hilarious takedown of our most sacred cows, sparing no one and offering no apologies or compromises.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cliff Burns
• Release date: May 22, 2019
• ISBN: 9780993872143

Cliff Burns

I've been a professional writer for over thirty-five years and have 16 books and well over 100 published short stories to my credit (including 15 major anthology appearances).In 2023, I wrote and produced "Standing At an Angle to the Universe", a ten-part podcast devoted to books, literature and the writing life (available on Spotify, Podbean, etc.).A partial list of my titles: SO DARK THE NIGHT, ELECTRIC CASTLES, DISLOYAL SON and THE LAST HUNT.Two of my books have been shortlisted for national independent press prizes and my work has earned praise from reviewers and readers around the world, including STRANGE ADVENTURES (U.K.) who wrote: "At last Canada has a literary equivalent of David Cronenberg!"All of my novels and collections are available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble...or (preferably) can be ordered through your favourite local independent book shop.

Book preview

MOUTH:

RANTS AND ROUTINES

Cliff Burns

Copyright © 2019 by Cliff Burns

All rights reserved. Except for brief excerpts, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Cover image and design: Sherron Burns

Ebook interior layout and design: Megan McCullough

Published by: Black Dog Press ([e-mail])

ISBN: (eBook/Kindle) 978-0-9938721-4-3

Black Dog Press

Warning: This book contains numerous examples of satire and hyperbole that might be harmful to the delicate sensibilities of those unable to discern humor in any situation involving a mime, two rolls of duct tape and a chain saw. Parental discretion is advised.

Also by Cliff Burns:

The Algebra of Inequality (poetry)

Righteous Blood (novellas)

Sex & Other Acts of the Imagination (stories)

Disloyal Son

Exceptions and Deceptions (stories)

New and Selected Poems (1985-2011)

Stromata: Prose Works (1992-2011)

The Last Hunt

Of the Night

So Dark the Night

The Reality Machine (stories)

violins in the void (poetry)

Nothing hurts like your mouth…

Bush

You want it darker/We kill the flame…

Leonard Cohen

It’s the end of the world as we know it/And I feel fine…

R.E.M.

Contents

Introduction

Disgraceland (I)

The Attractions of Misanthropy

White Riot

Phone Sex

This movie sucks (and so do you)

Paris is Burning

Coming Soon to Your Hometown

I’ve Seen the Future, Baby, and It’s Boring

God, a Concept

Self-Loathing

Bad at Sex

Agents of Control

Profanity

Who are you?

Good, Honest Hatred

Family

Friends

Kissing

Chicken Little

Disgraceland (II)

Man to Man

Christians and Taliban

Foot in Mouth Disease

Who are you? (II)

First Impressions

Uncommon Fears

Questions

Stupid People: A Case For Eugenics?

I Don’t Care

Kill Yourself

Trades People

Get out your hankies

Gun Crazy

Dreamer

Who are you? (III)

Single People

Man of Constant Failure

People Who Take Signs to Public Events

Between the idea and the reality falls the shadow40

In Praise of Book Burning

Killing Alexander

Anger Management

MADM

I Hate White People

Love

Distress Call

Disgraceland (Coda)

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Introduction

Shut the fuck up…

That seems to be a standard rejoinder these days when someone comes across something they don’t like, a statement or quote or quip that crosses a line. Off to Twitter or Instagram they go, quick as rabbits, to register their shock and disapproval, hopefully getting in a few licks before their like-minded friends make it to their phones or laptops. Ah, the hierarchy of outrage.

Shut the fuck up, Slavoj Zizek.

Shut the fuck up, Louis C.K.

Shut the fuck up, Martina Navratilova.

Shut the fuck up, Jordan Peterson.

And so on.

How dare they? How dare these—these haters violate the sanctity of our personal silos,[1] poisoning the perfumed air with their sick and depraved views? That’s why we installed all those filters and checked off so many preferences, carefully selecting specific news feeds and media platforms, making sure we hear only the things we want to hear. We don’t wish anything to disturb our peace of mind, merely a confirmation of everything we hold near and dear to our hearts, validation of the smug, holier than thou attitude we wear so proudly, like an ugly Hawaiian shirt.

And when we are inadvertently confronted with an opinion or attitude that runs counter to our thinking, we completely lose our minds, unable to cope with a paradigm so radically removed from our own. We aren’t used to being in a situation where we’re forced to interact with individuals who, y’know, disagree with us and so what happens? We scream and stamp our little feet, carrying on like fucking idjits, berating some poor bastard with the latest buzzwords and wolf whistles, an ALL CAPS assault on their position rather than a reasoned and nuanced exchange of ideas.

No, far more satisfying that the dissenter pay the ultimate penalty for daring to demur or attempt to defend the autonomy of their mind.

In our universe there are no alternative points of view permitted, ours is the narrow path to truth and righteousness and everyone else is wrong and evil and must be silenced, banished from the herd.

Go away, asshole.

Oh, and while you’re at it: Shut the fuck up.

__________

I loathe censorship. I mean, with every atom in my body.

It goes against everything that I believe and stand for, as an artist, a humanist, a thinking, sentient being.

And I don’t care if the threat to freedom of expression originates from the Left or Right, I am diametrically opposed to anyone who seeks to limit speech, put constraints on language or dictate the terms of discourse.

However noble your intentions, if you are trying to tell me how and what to think, or asserting that I shouldn’t even be allowed to express my opinions, you are my mortal enemy.

Sorry, but one can’t mince words when dealing with such a crucial topic.

Each one of us has the right to choose what they want to believe but, and here’s the catch, there’s no way under the sun they should be able to force the rest of us to agree with them.

That seems pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? Any further clarification required?

Full disclosure: I am a huge fan of satire and black comedy. The more sharp-edged and nasty, the more I like it. Bill Hicks, George Carlin, Dave Chappelle—those guys love to hit us right where it hurts most and it’s those moments of vulnerability that truly reveal the character of our society. Nailing us in our flabby underbelly, the part that droops over our belt, soft, squishy and oh-so-tempting.

Admittedly, that kind of humor isn’t for everyone but I admire the way great satirists push the limits of what’s acceptable right to the breaking point…and sometimes just a bit further. Enough to make us gasp in equal parts admiration and dismay.

Comedy of that ilk deprives us of our comfort zone and safe places—and perhaps it’s why many of our best, most celebrated comedians avoid gigs at colleges and universities. Aware that segments of their material, usually the best bits, are bound to rub some tender soul the wrong way and provoke an hysterical backlash.

You know the sort I’m talking about, folks actively looking for the opportunity to be offended. Their antennae fully extended at all times, skin parchment thin, ears pricked. Sound like anyone you might be acquainted with?

But to me the real miscreants are the ones who infiltrate public events, seeking to disrupt or, even better, prevent them from proceeding. A tiny minority of activists or protesters imposing its will on the rest of those in attendance, trying to shut the whole thing down. And, let’s be clear: these dolts inevitably represent a special interest group that demands tolerance of its own beliefs or behavior, while simultaneously denying those same considerations to everyone else.

I believe the word you’re looking for is hypocrisy.

__________

I’m convinced Adam Curtis[2] is right, once the hippies realized they weren’t going to save the world from the industrial-military complex, they collapsed into themselves like a neutron star. No longer interested in peaceful demonstrations and passing out leaflets, they sought satisfaction within. Self-improvement became the watchword; instead of reading Mao or Che or Marx, they sucked up Eastern philosophy, spouting Zen koans while staring at their navels and warding off advances from their drunken, sybaritic gurus. Abandoning the mean streets for their rec rooms, leaving starving children and hopeless caravans of refugees to fend for themselves so they could explore their inner child in the comfort of their own homes, safe from the mean, old world.

From activism to narcissism in a matter of a few short years. And from there, of course, it’s only a hop and a skip to consumerism, the desire to clothe that inner child so that it better represents who they really are, surrounding themselves with the possessions and entitlements that have come to define them.

There is one thing for certain I can say about your garden variety narcissist: they have a lousy sense of humor. No comprehension of hyperbole, completely lacking a healthy dose of the absurd. See, that would require them to think outside that tight, little box they’ve constructed for themselves, that self-sustaining, self-regulating, self-censoring silo I alluded to earlier.

So…no funny bone and, oh, yes, unfortunately many of them have attached themselves to that ultimate form of hyper-individualism, identity politics, and have little time, interest (or understanding) for big ticket issues.[3] Let’s face it, this whole identity shtick arises out of the impotence we all feel when confronted by the many crises now coming to a boil. We know we can’t do anything tangible about income inequality, hunger, the onset of the surveillance state, mass migrations of desperate people, the devaluation of democratic institutions, climate change, the ethical challenges of emerging technologies…so instead let’s devote ourselves to playing king-of-the-political-correctness-castle, naming and shaming in lieu of engaging and debating.

How human…and how pathetic.

Foolish me, I believe the existential threats facing our species are far more important than deciding whether to call yourself a girl, boy, or anything in between. I think identity politics is but a clever distraction keeping us from focusing on the enormous institutional and behavioral changes our society must make in order to preserve life on this planet.

In some people’s eyes I guess that makes me a dinosaur, an atavistic, reactionary asshole who possesses not a drop of sympathy for segments of our population that historically have felt marginalized and forgotten and wish to draw attention to their plight.

My response?

Shut the fuck up.

__________

If you’re a wishy-washy liberal, someone who sits on the fence until their ass is black and blue, this probably isn’t the book for you. Likewise if you recently enrolled in a Gender Studies program and/or believe that one day, God willing, Caitlyn Jenner will win a Nobel Prize for…something. If you frequently use the words men and rape culture in the same sentence, if you self-identify according to a particular animal clan, or consider your pets surrogate children, well, there’s the door, please use it.

On the other hand, if you find South Park hilarious and subversive, fantasize about sharing a hot tub with Rose McGowan, Asia Argento and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, if you’re comfortable with uncomfortable laughter, if you’re sick and fed up with biting your tongue, shying away from controversy, showing proper respect and tolerance toward every single blip on the sexual spectrum, kissing the ass of anyone with a hard luck story to tell…I say Read on.

Folks, we live in a civilization where tens of thousands of people claim as their religion Jedi Knight. We, as a culture, celebrate and reward the facile, superficial and derivative, while turning our noses up at anything original, daring, troubling, smart, difficult.

It’s the perfect environment for satire and farce, a veritable golden age of inconsequential bullshit.

Hark, methinks I detect the sound of a scalpel being sharpened.

Let’s wheel in the first patient, shall we?

Disgraceland (I)

Ladies and gentlemen, you are now entering Disgraceland, please have your passport on hand and ready for inspection. There are certain formalities which must be observed and we will also require a mandatory retina scan and DNA sample to confirm your identity. We apologize for the inconvenience but these measures are absolutely necessary in order to maintain public confidence in our security services, so we ask you to bear with us throughout this process.

In this republic we do things a bit differently and visitors are wise to educate themselves on our history and culture ahead of time, to minimize the potential for any, ah, misunderstandings that might crop up during your stay here. There are various brochures available in more than one hundred languages and dialects, plus you can always access our official website, where you’ll find FAQs and various helpful forums and what have you.

We request, or perhaps suggest is a better word, that while you are guests in our country you should refrain from discussions on topics of a political or religious nature. While these conversations are often mutually fruitful, they can also lead to those aforementioned misunderstandings and could, potentially, spoil an otherwise memorable trip.

On the other hand, most citizens of Disgraceland—including yours truly—are avid sports fans and only too eager to chew your ear off about our favorite team or player.

We’re also extremely proud of our children, they literally are the future. Because of them we have created a society where their every wish can be fulfilled and all the sources of their fear or anxieties eradicated.

This is a country where security and safety are written into our constitution and guaranteed by law. We’re honest, hard-working, self-motivated people who sincerely believe that God helps those who help themselves. Expenditures on social programs are among the lowest in the Western