The Art of Zombie Warfare: How to Kick Ass Like the Walking Dead

By Scott Kenemore and Adam Wallenta

Sun Tzu meets George Romero in Scott Kenemore’s third zombie book. 40 color illustrations

• Language: English
• Publisher: Skyhorse
• Release date: Aug 17, 2010
• ISBN: 9781628730692

Book preview

PART I

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How to Fight Like a Zombie

Everything you know is wrong.

There, I said it.

When it comes to the art of warfare, your every conception could not be more off base.

Enemy surveillance, carefully coordinated attack plans involving feints and deception, long-range weapons . . . these are not the tools of a true warrior. These are lies. These are the tools of weaklings. Of failures.

The modern military-industrial complex seeks only to fatten itself by promulgating the untruth that expensive military equipment and years of strategy training at West Point are the most reliable tools for achieving victory on the battlefield.

I, on the other hand, am someone you can trust. I have no vested interest in deceiving you. I am here only to provide access to the laws that have allowed zombies to become the most effective fighting force in the world today.

You might shoot your enemies with M-16s, destroy them with fragmentation grenades, or send them through a skinless shrieking hell with a combination of napalm and white phosphorus. And that’s, you know, fine . . . but notice also that you’re not winning every battle you fight. You’re not eliminating your enemy’ s entire army each time you engage it. You’re not conquering the countryside with the swiftness and fatality of an implacable virus.

In short: You are not fighting like a zombie, so there is room for improvement.

Throughout history, the most brilliant military minds have sought to defeat armies of zombie soldiers. All have failed. No advance in their high-tech weaponry or cutting-edge training has ever allowed these leaders to match the tactics and fighting skills inherent in a bunch of stinking, rotted, walking corpses.

In the history of combat, there has been no foe as implacable and persistent as the zombie. Zombies have penetrated supposedly impregnable fortresses. They have forded uncrossable streams, traversed moats filled with flaming oil, and chewed through drawbridges on even the most impenetrable castles. They have risen from watery depths to overtake ships and sailing vessels—from ancient Roman barks to modern aircraft carriers—with ease and

Know guts, know glory.

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Zombie warriors understand that the shortest path to achieving victory is the one that goes straight through the enemy soldiers. One by one. With their teeth.

facility. They have clogged the treads of tanks with their bones. They’ve attached themselves to helicopter skids (then hoisted themselves up to feast on the pilots inside). They’ve overtaken the most well-defended modern military outposts.

Zombies get close to their enemies and tear them limb from limb. Zombies bite off noses and ears. Zombies eat brains.

While zombies are often belittled, denigrated, and (most crucially) underestimated by their opponents, they always manage to somehow have the last laugh (or last brain). It is this somehow that this section proposes to examine, quantify, and make available to the reader in practical, easy-to-understand steps.

You need to ask yourself right now: "When it comes to zombies, do I want to beat them (clearly, an impossible task) or do I want to join them?"

Many soldiers wish that they could face their opponents with unflinching resolution, instead of doubt and anxiety. Many soldiers wish they were part of expeditionary forces that would operate autonomously and act with resolve, instead of requiring constant micromanagement. This section will make clear that these and other traits can be adopted by today’ s soldiers if they copy the ways of zombies.

Do you already have military training? Don’ t worry. It’ s nothing that can’ t be overcome. It’ s time to slough off the things you learned at West Point and replace them with things learned at Monroeville. Are you already a battle-hardened veteran? Prepare to learn more in three hours in an abandoned shopping mall than you did in three tours in the Middle East.

Let’ s be clear: This is serious business. The world needs effective soldiering, now more than ever. Today’ s geopolitical clusterfuck contains (but is by no means limited to):

Traditionally warring ethnic factions

Newly warring ethnic factions

Tyrants and dictators who have ceased to be useful to the major world superpowers

Insane religious leaders who encourage poor people to commit acts of violence

Countries that are bored enough to fight over useless islands or horrible deserts in the middle of nowhere

Third world paramilitary leaders who feel they’d do a much better job of running things than an elected president

All of whom will probably, at some point, need to have their shit set straight via a military engagement. These problems aren’ t going away, and it’ s important that a capable military is around to address them. That capable military is going to be you.

The soldiers of tomorrow are going to have a lot on their plate, and their ability to do what they do—effectively and efficiently—is going to be more important than ever before. Fighting like a zombie will allow you to achieve victory, destroy foes, and settle geopolitical conflicts with the quick decisiveness of a zombie’ s bite.

The world needs help from zombie soldiers, and if you’re reading this book, then it looks like it’ s going to fall to you. Ask yourself if you’re tough enough to get down like a member of the walking dead. If you are, then welcome to basic training.

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1

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Zombies Take It

The first thing to know is that zombies are the perfect soldiers because they can withstand massive amounts of damage.

Zombies can accept clip after clip of bullets into their chests or extremities and still keep going. Zombies can lose fingers, toes, or entire limbs without losing their killing capacity. They feel no pain when subjected to an enemy’ s weapons or the extremes of a harsh climate. Zombies can be cut, exploded, or set aflame, and still remain focused on the task at hand. Zombies will attempt difficult—or even suicidal—frontal assaults on your enemies without batting an eyelash (presuming they still have eyelashes). Zombies are easy to manage. Zombies clean up after themselves by eating any brains that have been left lying around after a battle.

A zombie will only stop fighting when its own brain has been damaged, when its head has become disconnected from the rest of its body, or if the zombie is somehow disintegrated.

An army of zombies is a fighting force that will be able to withstand—without complaint—enormous amounts of damage. Nothing touches a zombie when it comes to taking fire. Zombies understand that it is no excuse to fail to engage an enemy because they’re not wearing armor or are naked from the waist up.

A zombie will attack a human enemy under any condition, no matter how much injury it may have withstood personally. If it is not, itself, destroyed, it will attack.

If you want to fight like a zombie, you need to begin by thinking of ways to withstand massive amounts of damage. Are the other soldiers in your unit wearing flak jackets and helmets? Then maybe you need to think more along the lines of Batman-style Kevlar armor, or making your uniform one of those suits they wear to disarm bombs. Are you a medieval knight of some sort? You probably already have a nice advantage over the peasants around you, but make sure your armor is as reinforced as it possibly can be. Chainmail underneath the plate mail? Absolutely! You know, have fun with it. Get creative. Can you wear a giant helmet with full faceplate that has a smaller helmet with full faceplate beneath it? Then go for it, dude!

What’ s that? You say that unexploded bomb suits and double suits of armor make you move slowly and have trouble seeing? Hmmm. Who moves slowly again? Oh, that’ s right. Zombies do. And I shouldn’ t have to point out that many zombieseyes are rotting away or are missing entirely. Count yourself lucky to be squinting out from beneath two visors, pal.

But here’ s the thing. All of this is a small price to pay for virtual unkillability. Sure, zombies generally move slowly and are half blind. Know what else? They are the most feared entity on the battlefield. When your enemies realize that none of the tools they brought to the dance are going to be any darn good against you, they’ll start to realize just how much trouble they’re in.

And that’ s when you get close and start dishing it out.

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2

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Zombies Dish It Out

If you’re fighting zombies, then you’re fucked. Let me say that again. Zombies. You. Fucked.

It’ s not complicated. It’ s not a concept that calls for eloquence, subtlety, or language weaker than the word fucked. When you fight zombies, you always lose. (If you fight with zombies, or like zombies, you always win.)

Zombies fight with their teeth and claws. Do not let their lack of firearms or melee weapons deceive you. If you dismiss a zombie as a threat because it isn’ t armed, then you’re kind of missing the point. (And by kind of, I mean really. And by missing the point, I mean getting fucking eaten.) There is no limit on the damage a well-placed zombie can do.

Zombies fight without requiring ammunition. The importance of this cannot be overestimated. At the dawn of warfare, when the first cavemen started throwing rocks at other cavemen (just to be dicks, probably), humans encountered a problem that has stayed with soldiers to this very day: the problem of ammunition. Namely, that once you use it, it’ s gone. (So then you don’ t want to use it. But you need to use it. [That’ s the whole point of it.] But then, of course, it’ s gone, and so . . . Damn.)

Zombies have avoided the problem of ammunition by failing to use it (except in very unusual circumstances). This is not because they don’ t like it, but because they don’ t usually have it. Though zombies are few and far between, it would be remiss not to note that there are several extant examples of zombies being reanimated with guns in their hands (or, in the case of mad-scientist/evil-corporation reanimation scenarios, attached to their hands). And, in these cases, these zombies who found themselves holding guns did make use of them to attack humans. However, what’ s much less common—if it happens at all—is for zombies to seek out weapons to use against humans. The lesson is that zombies use whatever is at hand. (Or what is literally in their hands at the time.) This gives zombies important military advantages usually reserved for guerrilla warriors.

When zombies are attacking an improvised bunker in some kind of apocalyptic wasteland, each one will utilize different weapons as they become available. For most zombies, this is traditionally just claws and teeth, but some zombies may also have weapons with which to attack. Zombies don’ t worry about running out of ammunition. Why? Because even when its ammunition is exhausted, it’ s still a killer.

The zombie of a former soldier might find a firearm in some kind of underground military facility, and sure, it’ s going to kinda remember how to pull a trigger, and it’ll probably take a few people out. But once the chamber is empty, it’ s not like the danger is gone. That zombie is still a brain-gnashing, barricadebusting, killing machine. It just doesn’ t have a gun anymore.

In some ways, a zombie is like a bomb or blind-fired RPG. It can enter an enemy position attacking indiscriminately. It doesn’t matter if the humans it finds in that bunker are friend or foe, or if you just agreed to a cease-fire. Once the zombie is on (which is all the time), it’ s going to start killing people and feasting on their brains.

In other ways, zombies can be more precise than a tactical missile strike and provide the light touch so often needed in military situations. Is your enemy sitting on a warehouse full of valuable supplies? Sure, you can take his troops out with a long-range missile, but you’ll also be destroying the very supplies you hope to capture. Flaming arrows, flamethrowers, and powder-based weapons all have the potential to create unwanted conflagration. But drop a few zombies on the warehouse roof (maybe send a couple down the chimney, if there is one), and you’re going to dispatch all of your enemies while leaving the desired matériel intact.

As soldiers, zombies are a powerful tool because there is never a point (be it before, during, or after an engagement) when they are not dangerous. A zombie may be killed or destroyed, but it can never be disarmed. A zombie never surrenders or allows itself to be restrained. There are no zombie prisoners.

(Note: Zombies have been, in a few instances, imprisoned, yes. But this is only to say that they have been temporarily trapped, in, for example, a basement or a storage locker. But whereas a human POW waits to be liberated or to win his freedom through a prisoner exchange of some sort, an imprisoned zombie is searching constantly for a way to escape and never truly accepts its status as a prisoner.)

Thus, a first step to managing your ammunition with the effectiveness of