Around Australia with My Legs in the Air

By B.A Hudson

A young woman travelling around Australia, offering sex in return for food, travel and accommodation. What could possibly go wrong?

When Suzanne Ashwood embarked on her journey around Australia to find adventure and escape her mundane life, she had an idea to make it even more interesting and save on expenses.
Whenever she went out with her friends, they would always flirt with men and flaunt their bodies to receive free drinks. Why not take it one step further?
In her endeavour to find something else in life, Sue leaves her home, family and friends behind. Being alone, she quickly discovers that there is a greater cost to what she is doing than just money.
And it will cost her dearly.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Nov 6, 2014
• ISBN: 9781499021929

B.A Hudson

Brendan has worked most of his life as a chef, but has always had a passion for writing. Spending years involved in creative and performance arts led the way to write stage plays and begin his writing journey. He lives in the Gippsland region of Victoria in Australia with his wife and daughter, and his dog Buddy.

Book preview

ONE

It is amazing where life can take you. It is often the surprises that life dishes out that are the most wonderful, especially the ones that make you go, wow, I wasn’t expecting that. And that was exactly how I felt when my life took an unexpected turn. It didn’t start off great, but the ending was…well, I’m not sure yet. I’ll just have to wait and see.

My idea to do what I did came as shock to everyone. My friends were horrified when I told them, so were my parents. I wasn’t going to them what I was doing. I didn’t want the stress of mum and dad knowing, but of course they found out eventually. It was completely out of character for me to do anything like that; I’m just not a spontaneous or reckless type of person. I don’t even know exactly what compelled me to follow through with my crazy idea. I suppose it was a culmination of things. My friends tried desperately to convince me not to do it, but I ignored them. It was just something I felt I had to do.

The idea originally came to me early in the year, the 5th of March to be precise, in 2011; a Saturday night in the first week of autumn. It was surprisingly cold for that time of year. It had been raining most of the day, and my friends and I were getting ready to go out for a few drinks; a fairly common practise for a Saturday night. I was dressed in jeans, high-heeled boots, about three layers of various tops and a lovely warm jacket. I was being practical. It was cold, so dress warm, fairly obvious I thought. My friends, Sarah and Megan, on the other hand didn’t think like that. Other than their long jackets; which they would shed as soon as we arrived, they were only wearing skimpy, revealing outfits that barely covered their bodies.

‘Why are you wearing that?’ I questioned. ‘You’ll freeze.’

After some giggling at my apparent naivety, they said, ‘So we don’t have to pay for our drinks.’ I don’t know what my expression was, whether I seemed confused or shocked, but I received more laughter. I don’t know why I was so surprised, they always dressed like that whenever we went out.

I felt as though I was an average looking woman. I didn’t think that I was ugly, but I also didn’t think that I was anything outstanding. I was just average. I also didn’t consider myself to be overweight. I was in between a size 12 and size 10, (but that depended entirely on the brand of clothing I was wearing). My hair was medium to dark brown, wavy, and went part way down my back. I have brown eyes and an average complexion. I’m not tanned, but my skin has a little colour to it. I’m only five foot four and I’m the shortest of my group of friends; hence the high-heeled boots. I have a standard body shape, and I have B-cup breasts; a little small for my liking, but I’m happy; or at least I tried to be. However, with society telling me I’m too fat, too short, my breasts are too small, my skin is too pale, my hair’s wrong, and every other thing they can possibly think of to make me feel bad about myself so I will buy their beauty products to make me perfect, I’m barely hanging in there. I’m just trying to be me, but it’s so damn difficult. I felt as though I was the type of person who just blended in and remained unnoticed. Hanging around with drop-dead-gorgeous friends certainly does put a strain on your self-esteem. I’m twenty-three years old. I’m turning twenty-four on the 10th of May, Mother’s Day. Dad always says that I was mum’s Mother’s Day present. So when I was causing him grief as a teenager, he said that I belonged to her and that she had to deal with me.

Anyway, my friends looked the complete opposite to me. Tall, skinny, big boobs, which they always seemed to be able to push out to appear even bigger and expose more cleavage. They usually had more skin showing than was covered. They were obsessed with their hair and their appearance all the time. Everything would have to be exactly perfect. They would take so long to get ready to go anywhere, that I quite often found myself waiting in the living room of their shared house for hours waiting for them. One time I watched an entire movie while waiting for them. Once I made the mistake when they finally came out and announced that they were ready by saying that they looked, Ok. Apparently, Ok, wasn’t good enough, so it was back into the bathroom to touch up the make-up, change the hair and the outfit to expose more thigh and more cleavage; which shocked me because I didn’t think that that was even possible. Now I always make sure I say they look perfect, absolutely stunning, don’t change a thing, just so we can get going. The truth is they always do look perfect and stunning anyway, so I don’t have to lie about it. I mean, I wax and pluck, and do my nails and wear makeup and ensure that my hair looks nice. But I can do it in a quarter of the time that they can. I like to look nice but I never go to the same extreme. I’ve always been content to stay with my natural style and looks, over-doing it just isn’t me, and I wouldn’t be able to compete with them anyway.

Sarah and Megan were the two perfect bombshells. They were wild and flirty and had the looks to back it up. There was no doubt that they always looked gorgeous, but they had to work at it. Like I said, hours of getting ready. Erin was a little more conservative, maybe because she was the oldest of our group, but she was still only twenty-six. She wasn’t afraid to dress sexy and let it all hang out so to speak, but she just acted a little more responsibly compared to Sarah and Megan. But I was definitely the most sensible in everything I did. I planned and saved and I always looked towards the future, of what I was going to do, and always considered my actions and the consequences of those actions before I did anything, instead of just going with the flow, going crazy, living for the moment, and just seeing what happens. That wasn’t me. I was organised and responsible. When we went out I would want to talk to guys for a long time and get to know them and have a serious conversation. Not just say hello and then jump into bed with them. So needless to say, every night we went out I would always go home alone. Not that I cared, that was who I was. I think my friends even thought that I was a little snobby or conceited, and I’m sure that they thought I was boring. They would always taunt me by saying that if I didn’t loosen up I would be single forever. So I think that’s why everybody was so shocked when I told them what I was going to do.

We finally arrived at the pub, and as I said before, off came the jackets as soon as we walked through door. Sarah and Megan received instant attention from everyone in the bar. Even the guys who were there with their partners were secretly stealing glances at them, and who could blame them, who wouldn’t want to look at these two gorgeous, skinny, big-boobed girls, who were letting it all hang out.

Erin also received her share of the attention, but she wasn’t being drooled over quite so much. Although she was very stunning, she looked a little more natural. Her boobs weren’t hanging out quite so much, and her natural light brown hair didn’t appear to glow under the lights like Sarah and Megan’s bleached-blonde heads. As for me, I may as well have not been there. I was always the other one. The friend of the sexy girls. I just blended in and was overlooked. Most of the time that didn’t bother me, but sometimes I wished I received a little more attention. I suppose you get out what you put in, and Sarah and Megan never had any problems with getting it out or putting it in. They could have had any guy in the bar. And that was the game they liked to play.

While I found a comfortable seat at a table for four minding all the jackets and handbags, and sipping my glass of wine, Sarah and Megan were strutting their stuff. They would always buy their first couple drinks so they could get, warmed up quickly and get the evening rolling, as they would say. They would start hanging off men, leaning over in front of them so their boobs would practically fall out of their already revealing tops. I would always quietly laugh to myself while I watched them put on their show. I wasn’t disgusted with what they did, I’m not a feminist. I didn’t think they were demeaning women or anything like that. It was their choice to do it, and I must admit, they were very good at it. Maybe I was just jealous, I didn’t want to be like that. But I was the one sitting alone at the table buying all my own drinks, while they got plastered for practically free.

Erin would talk to a few guys and then come over and spend some time with me. She would always try to encourage me to get out there, meet some guys and have some fun.

‘I think Megan and Sarah are having enough fun for all of us,’ I would say. I was having fun, just not the way they do. If a band was playing I would occasionally get up and dance, but I enjoyed just sitting there and listening to the music and sipping my drink.

Ok, so I am boring.

Megan stumbled towards the table hanging off the arm a cute looking guy. ‘This is Michael and he’s coming home with us,’ she slurred loudly. Michael gave me an awkward smile and tried to say hello, but ended up with Megan’s tongue in his mouth. They staggered away leaving me by myself again. They weren’t bad friends, they were actually very nice and loyal, but they just had different ideals than me, that’s all.

One guy came over to me, bought me a drink and proceeded to try and pick me up, but when he realised I was more interested in having a conversation than just jumping into bed with him, or at least pashing him, he left feeling rather disgruntled that he had wasted his money.

Sarah came running over to me and planted a kiss on my forehead. ‘How you doin’ over here, sweetie?’ she asked, obviously very drunk but trying to act sober. She rummaged through her bag, retrieved something and disappeared again, but not before saying, ‘I won’t be too long, so don’t leave without me.’ She met a guy at the door and they disappeared outside.

I was amazed at how comfortable she was to just go and have sex with someone she had only just met. I wondered where they were even going to do it. It was after midnight, but we were in the city and there were still people everywhere. Maybe he had his car nearby, or if that wasn’t convenient she might just settle for giving him a blowjob in some darkened alley.

I’m making my friends sound like sluts, like this is what they do all the time, but they don’t. They don’t always pick up and sometimes they barely drink at all; although that is very rare. Who cares if that’s what they do? Why can’t they have sex with someone different every night if they want too? What’s the problem? Society, that’s the problem. We’re brought up believing that that type of behaviour is unacceptable, that women shouldn’t do that. Why is it men can seem to get away with it? They’re considered legends or studs by their mates if they pick up a different girl every night, but a woman would be called a slut. It’s not fair. I don’t see what the problem is. Just like a guy, they’re doing it for a physically satisfying end result.

That was when the thought first popped into my head. Sure these girls were committing socially unacceptable behaviour, but they were getting their drinks for free. And I had heard of women getting other things for free by offering sex. One evening on the way home from work, traffic was really slow and I was listening to the radio. They had women ringing up saying what they had gotten for free, such as their car serviced by offering oral sex or a quickie in the back room. One woman admitted that she had her entire house renovated for free just by having sex with the tradesmen. So I thought, why couldn’t I do that? Why couldn’t I take it one step further? Because that’s not me, that’s why. That’s not who I am. I had been telling myself that for so long that I now believed it. I have shaped my personality and now I was stuck with it forever, no matter how boring it was.

Finally our night out was over. Sarah returned from whatever it was she ended up doing, her clothes looking a little dishevelled and feeling worse for wear from having too much to drink. Megan was still hanging on to Michael, not prepared to let him go, as she had claimed him for herself. Erin was tipsy and said goodbye to the group of people she was talking to. And I was broke, bored and very ready to go home.

We called a taxi, and I had to endure being squeezed between Michael and Megan and Sarah in the backseat while Erin had her comfy ride up front. It was freezing in the taxi because Sarah had the window down trying to get fresh air while complaining that the car was spinning. The taxi driver was constantly saying, ‘don’t you throw up in here. If you throw up in my cab, you can all walk home.’ But Sarah feeling sick wasn’t what was bothering me. I was jammed up against Michael and Megan, who were practically humping each other. Their tongues were going wild in each other’s mouths, and Michael had his hand inside her top squeezing her boobs. At one point I turned to see Megan’s hand down his pants and I caught a glimpse of his penis. I quickly turned away and concentrated my attention on the not so well Sarah with her head hanging out the window.

We arrived back at the house Megan, Sarah and Erin share, and we all exited the taxi, with Sarah diving free and making a quick dash for the side of the house where she proceeded to vomit. Erin went to her aid and Megan and Michael rolled out of the vehicle still groping each other. The taxi driver waited patiently, staring at me, as I was the only one capable of paying him. As we got into the cab back at the pub, Sarah gave me the money to pay for it, seeing as though she had barely paid for a drink all night, and I was broke from having to pay for all but one of mine. Then a crazy thought popped into my head. Instead of paying the cab driver, I could offer to do something for him. He probably didn’t have time for sex, so maybe he would be happy to feel my boobs, or if that wasn’t enough I could give him a blowjob.

He was staring at me, and I at him. ‘Come on lady. Twenty three dollars,’ he snapped at me. He was a foreign man, as a very large percentage of taxi drivers in Melbourne are, probably Indian or Pakistani. I snapped back to reality and noticed his unimpressed expression. I was wasting his time, and for a taxi driver time is money. ‘Come on lady,’ he practically shouted this time. I quickly threw the money onto the front passenger seat, I think it was thirty dollars, and hurried away from the cab feeling ashamed of myself even though I hadn’t done anything. It was just weird for me to be thinking about things like that. It’s not as though I’m a prude or a virgin. I’ve had three serious relationships and a couple in between them which were more like rebound sex, but I have never had a one-nighter.

I went inside and was greeted by Erin who was holding a towel, a bucket and a large glass of water. ‘Sarah’s not feeling very well,’ she informed me, and laughed. As I said, Erin was a bit more sensible on most occasions and having to tend to her friends after a heavy night of drinking wasn’t anything new to her. I could hear Megan and Michael in her bedroom. They were being very noisy and I could only image what they were doing in there. Actually, come to think of it, I would prefer not to imagine what they were doing in there.

Erin found her bed after being satisfied that Sarah was going to survive the night, and I made myself comfortable on the couch. It was a big couch with a chaise at one end and a huge ottoman that you could push up to it to form a bed. There was an extra room in the house which I could have used whenever I stayed over if it wasn’t completely full of junk. The girls assured me that it was good useful stuff that they just couldn’t bear to part with, but as far as I was concerned it was junk that was forcing me to sleep on the couch.

I laid there awake staring into the darkened kitchen with thoughts filling my head. For some reason, tonight I just couldn’t stop thinking about the different things I could get for free if I just offered my body instead of my money. My thoughts were interrupted by Megan screaming. She certainly wasn’t worried about being vocal during her orgasms, she didn’t care if people could hear her. Strangely enough I found myself listening. After a few minutes she had another one, and then Michael finally came, almost as loudly as Megan. There was some laughing coming from the room and then her door opened. Light flooded into the hallway and partially lit the kitchen. Michael emerged. I stayed under the blankets trying not to make a sound, pretending to be asleep. As Michael entered the kitchen, he turned and the profile of his body was captured in the light. I gasped when I realised that he was naked and that he still had a partial erection. I was horrified that he was happy to walk around like that in someone else’s house. Disturbingly, I found that I couldn’t take my eyes off him, or certain parts of him anyway.

Once the light was off and the house was silent I finally fell asleep, only to be woken a few hours later by the slamming of a door. Michael had left and I heard the taxi drive away from the house. At least he stayed until morning, a lot of guys don’t.

I decided to get up and go for a walk, even though it was only 6am. After returning I had a shower and some breakfast and read the newspaper in peace. By late morning everyone else began to emerge. We laughed and talked for a while until I had to go home. I had driven my car to the house the night before, and I hadn’t had that much to drink, so I knew that I would be right to drive. Megan and Sarah were going to require a little more time before they were under the limit. But none of us had to work until Monday, so it didn’t matter.

I’m a taxation accountant. I graduated from Melbourne University in 2009 and I’m still at the same job that I got when I first entered the workforce. I’ve only been there for a year and half and I already hate it. Although I was always good at maths in school, and I enjoyed it, I’m finding that being an accountant wasn’t for me. People would always say, You must make heaps of money, all accountants are loaded. Not me. Yes I do earn a higher wage than my friends, but I am only a junior accountant within the company. I need many years experience before I start making serious money. I don’t care about the money, although I’m happy to admit that it has been useful. Out of my group of friends, (I’m not friends with any other accountants), I’m the only one who can afford to live by myself. That is why Erin, Sarah and Megan share a house, for financial benefit.

Sarah and Megan met in trade school, they are both hairdressers but they don’t work together. They wanted to move out of home but couldn’t afford to, so they decided to move in together and advertise for someone to share with them. That’s when they met Erin. She is a nurse at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne and needed to move closer to work. Because she does a lot of shift work, public transport wasn’t always convenient (or safe), and driving was becoming expensive and very time consuming.

I went to high school with Sarah, and although we were very different; she was always into boys and parties, and I was always serious and academic, we became really good friends. Even though we didn’t see each other very often while I was studying at uni, we always stayed in touch.

I always envied my friends and the jobs they had. They were always telling me funny stories of things that would happen or the amazing people they would meet. I didn’t have that. All of the accountants where I worked were men, and they were either middle-age or older. The only other women there were their secretaries, and they had their own little clique and wouldn’t associate with the accountants outside of work. And who could blame them. The men were a stuffy bunch. They would do men’s things and talk about men’s stuff. They were what I call old-school. They grew up in different era than me and had different values. The disgusting talk that went on was appalling. They were rude, racist and sexist. I would often catch them staring at me and then snigger to each other, and I found it quite disconcerting. I must admit that no one has tried to make a move on me yet, and I hope they don’t. It would certainly be a quicker way to move up the corporate ladder, but I don’t like my job anywhere near enough to have some sweaty, old, fat guy on top of me just so I can earn more money. More money I can live without, and I would like to keep a little self-respect. I didn’t want to become the woman who would happily spread her legs or get on her knees just so she could get a pay rise or a company car. I’ve always had those ideals, that’s why these damn thoughts I’ve been having are driving me nuts. As I said before, that’s not who I am.

A few weeks went by and I was still thinking about sex and performing sexual favours to obtain things. I think I need a boyfriend, desperately.

We were arranging another serious girl’s night out; not just a last minute decision to go to the pub. So this time I decided to be just like my friends. Bugger it, if they can get free drinks all night so can I. The week before our night out I went to where Sarah works and made her cut my hair. She was shocked. My hair was half way down my back and I have always loved it long, so she didn’t know what to say when I asked for it to be cut above my shoulders. She did as I asked, styled it for me and put a colour and highlights through it, not blond, just something to lighten it up. And I must admit that when I looked at myself in the mirror, I was very happy. I looked more beautiful than I thought I could. The fact that Sarah is an amazing hairdresser definitely helped.

I went shopping for a dress and shoes. I found a beautiful green dress that was a lot shorter than I expected when I tried it on. I’m just glad that the shop assistant was a woman, because when I bent over to pick up my bag she copped a rather good view of everything I had to offer. The shoes matched perfectly, but I just knew that they were going to kill me by the end of the night, the heels were so high it felt as though I was walking on tip-toes. The only thing I wasn’t happy with was my boobs. They were too small to do the dress any justice. So I bought a new bra with one cup size bigger. My idea was to stuff the bra and push my breasts up so they appeared bigger and show off a lot more cleavage. I was now satisfied that I was ready to have a fun night with free drinks. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky.

The big night arrived. I hadn’t told my friends about my new outfit or what I had planned. Obviously Sarah told the others about my haircut, but that’s all they knew.

I walked into the house practically unnoticed. The other three were still going through their ritual of last minute touch-ups, last minute clothing changes and constant bickering about the size of the bathroom they all had to share. You would think that they would’ve had it worked out by now, implemented some form of system to make it work. But they don’t think like that, only I do.

Erin emerged first, being less concerned about dolling herself up than the others. ‘Love your hair,’ she said in her usual cheery way.

‘Thanks.’ I was genuinely flattered by her compliment. ‘I think this will be the start of the new me.’ Sarah and Megan appeared together. I stood up ready to reveal myself but hesitated. They looked even more beautiful than usual. How could I compete with them? With their blonde hair, big boobs and more skin showing than clothes. I felt deflated and began losing my confidence. I didn’t think I could go through with it, until Megan spoke up.

‘Well, give us a look,’ she said.

‘A look at what?’ I said a little cheekily, trying to regain my confidence.

‘You’ve got new hair and new shoes. So you can’t tell me you’re not hiding something under that jacket.’

I was just about to show myself off to them, when I decided not to. ‘You’ll just have to wait.’ Just before they could start insisting that I show them and tear my coat off, the horn from the taxi blasted from outside. They forgot about everything, grabbed their bags and phones and made a dash for the door.

It was about fifteen minutes by taxi. We have several places we go to regularly, but we also like to mix it up as much as we can. And quietly, I think Megan and Sarah were getting a little too well known at the local pubs. I’m sure they were drawing their own fan club of guys competing to be the next one to have their turn with them.

I was desperately running different scenarios through my head of what might happen tonight. I was so nervous and I was sweating so badly that I was sure that my makeup was running and I must stink of body odour. I never spoke for the entire journey.

We arrived and entered the pub. I just stood at the door staring at all the faces staring back at me. To my surprise Sarah and Megan didn’t remove their jackets immediately. Instead, they were looking at me waiting for me to remove mine. Being inexperienced with this sort of behaviour and still as nervous as hell, I was hesitating. My friends knew that when you enter a venue a lot of people will instinctively turn to look. But their attention is only fleeting. If you don’t hold their attention immediately they will turn away and you just become another person in the crowd.

Megan and Sarah waited until the last possible second before they lost their opportunity to spark interest in the men who were staring. They quickly removed their jackets and thrust them towards me. I took them as I always do, but instead of finding us a table, I just stood there feeling disappointed in their lack of support and encouragement, and disappointed in myself. They could have waited for me, but they only think of themselves in this situation. Like I said before, they’re not bad friends, they’re just self-absorbed.

Erin smiled at me with the sort of warm encouragement a parent would give their child who tried their hardest but still came last.

‘Give me those,’ she said quietly and took the jackets from me. It must have looked as though I was about to cry because she put her arm around my waist and said, ‘It’s Ok, you don’t have to do it. I’ll go home with you if you like.’ It wouldn’t be the first time Erin and I have left the other two for one reason or another. They always find their way home and they always knew that if they needed us they just had to ring and we would come and get them. But not this time. I’m not going home feeling defeated with my tail between my legs, just to sit on the couch crying and eating way too much chocolate. No. I’m going to show them what I have to offer, and damn it, I’m not paying for my drinks tonight.

I slipped my jacket off and practically threw it at Erin. I stood there in my very high heels and green dress that barely covered my bum with a new sense of determination. I adjusted my boobs so the stuffing was sitting correctly and strode towards the bar.

I stood at the bar waiting. A couple of guys looked me up and down but I had no offers for drinks. Then I remembered that Sarah and Megan always bought their first couple drinks. I ordered a vodka and cranberry juice and slowly walked to where Erin was sitting. I realised that walking slowly made my hips sway more and therefore my butt moved more. Also, I had to walk slowly because these shoes were just insane, I don’t know what possessed me to buy them.

I finally made it to Erin and quickly sat down directly opposite her. ‘Sweetie, you look gorgeous. You look truly beautiful.’ I felt like I was about to cry, I had never received a complement like that before. Erin leant across the table and whispered. ‘There’s a guy behind you checking you out.’ I went to turn around but she quickly scolded me for doing so. ‘Walk past him and get another drink.’

In my naivety I said, ‘but I have a drink.’

Erin just shook her head and sighed. ‘Skull your god-damn drink and walk right past him to get another one.’ I agreed. As I forced my drink down in one breath, Erin described him for me.

I got up, adjusted my dress and casually walked past the guy and his mates. I barely gave him a glance just as I was instructed by Erin. I walked. My butt swayed. I made it to the bar, but the bartender pounced on me so quickly that I never got to see if the guy was going to buy me a drink. So after I bought another vodka and cranberry I headed back towards him. I was just about past their table when he stood up and introduced himself.

‘Hi I’m Derek.’

‘I’m Sue,’ I replied. Not the most interesting beginning, but hey, you have to start somewhere. Derek was tall with light brown hair and a tattoo on his arm protruding from under his t-shirt. I think it was a dragon but I couldn’t really tell and I didn’t really care. He invited me to sit at his table where we casually talked. It didn’t seem as though he was trying to hit on me, he was just talking, and he seemed very nice. He was there with a few mates who were coming and going, briefly joining our conversation and then leaving again. Finally, after about twenty minutes of fondling my empty glass he offered to buy me a drink.

I was feeling really good about this. Derek seemed nice, and I felt as though I could very easily go home with him. However, that was where the highlights of the evening ended. I wouldn’t even say that it went downhill from there. It was more like a freefall. A devastating plummet where no matter what you did it was going to end badly.

Derek returned with our drinks and we talked a little more. Unfortunately though, I reached the point where I just had to go to the toilet, I couldn’t hold on any longer. I stood up, took one step and stumbled in those blasted shoes. I landed face first in Derek’s lap causing him to spill his drink in my hair and down my back. I pushed myself up and put my hand right on his penis. In my embarrassment I quickly removed my hand causing me to fall to the floor with my legs in the air giving everybody an eyeful of my crotch. And if you think it couldn’t get any worse, then you would be wrong. As I fell the stuffing came out of one side of my dress exposing me to be the fraud I truly was.

Laughter filled the room. My embarrassment was immeasurable. I scrambled to my feet and ran out the door leaving my bag and jacket inside. The most humiliating thing was the fact that I had also partially wet myself, (hopefully nobody noticed).

I was sitting outside on the curb about half a block away from the pub for only a couple minutes when my friends joined me. Erin had witnessed my ungraceful descent, quickly gathered our belongings, located Sarah and Megan who only saw me scrambling to my feet after they heard laughter. Erin and Sarah sat either side of me and Megan sat beside Sarah. They had their arms around me but nothing was said for a several minutes. I was crying so hard.

‘It’s alright sweetie,’ Erin said quietly and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I couldn’t even force a smile. Eventually, through the constant flow of tears, I managed to say, ‘I’m sorry for wrecking your evening.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Sarah said. ‘It was going to be a dull night anyway, the guys didn’t seem very interested.

‘There must have been a party for gays or something, because I had to buy nearly all my own drinks,’ Megan said trying to lighten the mood. It worked, everyone laughed, and even I managed a weak smile.

‘Don’t worry about it, I know how you feel,’ Sarah said. ‘We’ve all been in situations like that.’ I shot her a savage glare. How could she possibly know how I was feeling? I was mortified, embarrassed, humiliated and everything else you could possibly think of. I will never go back to that pub ever again. She pulled me closer and smiled at me. ‘We’ve all had something embarrassing happen.’

‘Like what?’ I questioned between sobs.

‘I came out of the toilet once with the back of my dress tucked into my knickers. I couldn’t figure out why everyone was laughing. And it wasn’t until a guy grabbed my arse that I realised what I’d done,’ Sarah confessed.

‘And I had my top burst open, and my boobs fell out,’ Megan added. ‘God, that was embarrassing.’ We all laughed and turned to Erin.

‘What?’ she said.

‘Surely you’ve had an embarrassing moment,’ Sarah encouraged.

Erin hesitated, but then finally succumbed to our nagging. ‘Fine, I’ll tell you,’ she conceded as though it was going to threaten her reputation as the more sensible one. ‘I was a very financially challenged uni student, so I would wear my clothes to death. I was out with some friends and when I went to the toilet my knickers broke. But that was okay, I was wearing a reasonably long skirt. I was in the bar and dropped my purse. I bent down to pick it up and the button and zip on my skirt burst without me realising. As I stood up it slid to the ground leaving me standing there completely naked from the waist down.’ We all laughed.

I don’t know if they had just made those stories up to make me feel better, but it worked, so I don’t care. As I have already mentioned, my friends may be a little self-absorbed, but they’re always there when you need them. They are good friends, in their own strange way.

To my friend’s surprise, I suddenly blurted out, ‘I’m desperate for a wee.’ No one suggested that I go back to the pub, because I would’ve refused anyway. Erin quickly got on the phone and called a taxi. ‘We’ll get you straight home,’ she told me.

‘I don’t think I’ll make it home. I already wet myself a bit when I fell over.’ I started crying again with the embarrassment of having to tell my friends.

Megan looked around. ‘There’s an alley just over there, that’ll do.’ I looked around to see a dark narrow alleyway leading from a car park, probably the rear entrance to the houses. I was horrified at that thought. ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ve done it plenty of times,’ Megan explained, Sarah agreed with her, saying that she had also done it.

‘You can just wait until you get home, or we can try and find a public toilet,’ Erin suggested.

I would rather wet myself than use a public toilet around here. ‘I don’t think I can hold it for that long.’

‘Come on,’ Sarah encouraged. I walked to the alley with Sarah and Megan, while Erin waited by the road for the taxi. I walked to the darkest patch of the alley and looked around nervously. My two friends stood watch to make sure no one would see me. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. It was so humiliating and disgusting, but it was either pee in the alley, go back to the pub to face the humiliation of what happened, or wet myself. Not particularly great options. I had one last look around, hitched up my dress, pulled my knickers to one side and squatted. I never felt comfortable doing anything like this, so I was surprised that I managed to urinate so quickly, probably because I was busting. The relief was gratifying and quickly outweighed the feeling of disgust.

‘The taxi’s here!’ Erin shouted.

Shit. I wasn’t finished.

‘Hurry up,’ Megan encouraged.

I stopped weeing and thought what now, no toilet paper. I thought quickly. The padding I still had stuffed in the other side of my bra. Megan ran past me telling me to hurry, trying desperately not to laugh. I ripped out the stuffing, gave myself a quick wipe and started running to the end of the ally. It was a miracle I didn’t break my neck running on that rough, uneven