Thigh Gaps and Men

By Cassidy Briggs

Charlotte is perceived like an ordinary 19 year old girl. She
has a boyfriend who she adores, a decent family, lots of
friends and wants to attend University. On the outside, she
is happy. She wears a smile on her face and her heart on her
sleeve, but on the inside she wishes she could really be that way.
Her family hates her, her mother is an alcoholic, she doesnt have
contact with her father, her only friends are the demons and
Summer-Lee Smith, a girl who died the previous year and who
has come back as a ghost to haunt Charlotte.
Jake, her boyfriend, is the only thing keeping her afl oat. She only
wants to recover because she knows it will save her relationship.
But can Jake really be trusted? Will she fully recover and be
happy again? Are the demons really her friends? And what is the
reason behind Summer-Lee constantly popping up in her life?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Nov 20, 2013
• ISBN: 9781493128976

Cassidy Briggs

Bridget Downey is a young female that attends Overnewton College in the western suburbs of Melbourne, Victoria. From a young age she has always enjoyed writing and still today has the same passion that she did when she was younger. She owns four fish and a Labrador, and used to raise Customs puppies for the Australian Border Protection Service. She loves all types of animals and is very outgoing.

Book preview

1

The Past

It was my tenth birthday when my parents separated. My dad packed his bags, and Mum threw them off the balcony from their room.

Get out and stay out, you filthy pig! she screamed. Who do you think you are?

I never saw my father again in person; however, he did send me letters and messages and called me regularly.

I miss you, Dad.

I miss you too, possum.

Can I see you soon?

I’m not sure. We’ll see.

That’s how the majority of the conversations went. Of course, we spoke about how school was, how my grades were, or if I had taken up any new hobbies.

My mother caught him with another woman. Apparently, the affair had been going on for years behind her back. I felt sorry for both of my parents. My mother confided in me when she was feeling down, and she began smoking and took up drinking as a regular habit. My father decided to travel the world with his new partner, Amy. He called me and sent me postcards from where he was, and sometimes, I even got a present. I got to know Amy over the phone fairly well, and she seemed nice. Dad felt down sometimes as well.

I was like the meat in the sandwich. My mother was badmouthing my father, and my father was badmouthing my mother. I was stuck between two mourning parents.

My mother got drunk every night and used to yell at me. I was twelve when this started and almost fifteen when it ended—fourteen and nine months, to be precise. She didn’t always yell though; sometimes, she hit me or threw things at me. She used to wake me up in the middle of the night and yell at me, asking me why I wasn’t sleeping. She called Dad on some occasions too, but he just hung up. When she wasn’t drunk, she was nice.

Dad told me that she used to do this to him sometimes when she got really drunk. It happened mostly when I was out or asleep that she unleashed her anger on him. It felt good knowing that there was somebody else who had gone through what I had.

I started seeing the school counsellor on a regular basis. She diagnosed me with severe depression as well as anxiety and handed me cards to see people called Headspace and to call them for a chat if I ever needed. I never did.

Mum then dated a guy with a daughter my age for about six months and then broke it off with him. He was a DJ, and he wasn’t that great and didn’t have good income.

I created my blog on my fifteenth birthday. This helped me vent my feelings; it was almost like a journal—an online journal. I reblogged posts and pictures as well as posting my own. Just as I thought that Mum had settled down with her drinking, it started again, and I started to self-harm. I created scars on my body that would be known to me as my battle scars. On 20 December, I attempted suicide for the first time. When it failed, the next night I did the same. On 15 January, I overdosed. I took twenty-four Panadol, five Buscopan, and four Lipitor. I got admitted to the hospital and stayed there overnight. I got referred to Headspace as well as a psychiatrist and was told to start taking an antidepressant. When I was sixteen and seven months, I was free to come off them. I got a boyfriend called Liam, and we stayed together for three months. I was then told my mother was receiving help for her drinking issues; however, it was, in fact, to help our relationship and how to deal with me. I wanted to kill her, however; somehow, I managed to contain myself. Dad and I didn’t speak any more, and I didn’t bother to make contact with him either. I then fell into the traps of anorexia and bulimia. I went from weighing seventy-two kilograms in March, to weighing fifty-five kilograms in May. I then got admitted to a hospital as an in-patient for the first time. I turned seventeen when in the hospital, as I was there for a month. I got out weighing sixty-two kilograms. I then attempted suicide three weeks later and got admitted again—this time into the Psychiatric ward rather than the ED ward.

I stayed in there for two months this time. I got a boyfriend called Joey who was also in the ward, but as soon as I left, we left each other as well. I’m not sure still to this day whether I actually had feelings for him or if I just dated him because he was cute. He did help me recover faster though, that’s why I stayed for only two months and not three. When I was out, I got a little bit better and got myself a part-time job as a waitress. I still attended school and turned eighteen on the day of one of my year twelve exams, as I started early as a youngster. I passed year twelve with an ATAR of 79.54, and I was happy with that, considering all that had been happening the past few years. Mum got back with the weirdo DJ guy for three months, then met another guy who, after a month together, proposed, and they got married.

At the graduation party, the school dux’s brother, Jake, came up to me after the presentations and congratulated me with a kiss. He told me that I should be proud of my achievements and that he would take me out that night as a celebration. I was as confused as a cow on synthetic grass, but he was cute and smart, so I accepted. That date was perfect. He took me to a fancy restaurant near the beach and then we walked along the sand and the pier. After a few dates, we began dating. After about two months of dating, my best friends, Ana, Mia, Max, Cali, and Sara, came back to me. I refused to tell Jake. I kept it within me and told myself that I must lose weight. I had goal weight after goal weight, slowly achieving them. I came close to telling him many times, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Who would date a girl who’s as messed up as I was? Nobody. That’s who.

2

The Present

I woke up today feeling like usual. Shit. I stood up and looked into the mirror; I could see fat all over my body. I pulled at the flab on my stomach, on my arms, on my legs, and on my face. My ribs weren’t showing enough, my arms weren’t skinny enough, my thigh gap wasn’t big enough, and my cheekbones weren’t standing out at all. I moved my hands over the one part of my body that I was satisfied with: my collarbones. I could see them standing out more and more each day, and it made me happy. The bones led up to my shoulders, and I saw them fading out until they reached the fat that made up my arms. My stomach grumbled, and I hit it, causing the self-harm I did the previous night to sting like hell. I put on my tracksuit pants and a shirt and walked to the kitchen where I saw my mother cooking breakfast for my little sister, little brother, and stepdad. I poured myself a glass of juice and watered it down; instead of eighty-one calories, it was only thirty-nine and filled me up the same amount. I sat down with the rest of my family, and they all started the usual, happy breakfast conversation.

Charlotte, I need you to do me a favour tomorrow morning. Can you take Susie and James to school for me?

Of course, Mum

Thank you, she said and kissed me on the head. Bacon?

I shook my head and said that I wasn’t feeling well. She sighed and continued serving the others. I sat through the whole meal and then walked upstairs. I put on my flats and jeans and pulled my hair into a ponytail before grabbing my keys and a water bottle and then headed out to my car.

Remember to purge when you get to work, Mia whispered.

And don’t have lunch today. You ate too much yesterday night for dinner, remember? Ana hissed.

Don’t bend your stomach too much today. Your cuts will hurt, sweetie, Sara said caringly.

You have your big interview today, Charlotte. Be scared. What if you don’t get it? What if you make a fool out of yourself? What if he doesn’t like you? Cali said anxiously.

Oh, for heaven’s sake! Just ignore them all. Fake a smile, and hide your feelings like usual, and everything will be fine. Cry when you get home, Max reassured me.

And self-harm. It will make things better, Sara added.

I pulled up into the car park of the shopping centre and locked my car. I walked into the café where I was meeting my boyfriend, Jake.

A small, skinny vanilla mocha with two sweeteners, please.

I handed over the money and felt hands wrap around from behind me. I jumped.

Hey beautiful! Jake said, kissing my cheek.

Hello, I said.

He took my coffee from the lady and guided me to a seat.

You look sick today.

I’m fine, I said, taking a sip of my mocha.

Good answer, they all whispered.

Yeah, I know, but you look tired and worn out. That’s what I meant.

I didn’t get much sleep last night.

You always say that.

It’s the truth.

It’s a lie.

I’m just tired, Jake.

No, you’re just sad and depressed, Max shouted.

Mmk.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek.

I thought I could take you shopping for a swimsuit today. It’s going to be really hot next weekend, and I wanted to take you down to the beach and stay overnight at a hotel. What do you say?

You don’t swim. You’re too fat, you’ll sink! Mia said.

Overnight, that means eating. I agree with Mia on this one. You’ll have to show off your fat ugly body as well. You don’t want to do that, do you? Ana laughed.

Your cuts, Sara whispered.

Jake, that’s a lovely thought, but I can’t. Not next weekend, anyway. Plus, I have work at one. I can’t go shopping.

Why?

My period is due the previous day… I mumbled.

You don’t even get your periods any more. Liar, Max grumbled.

Oh well, can we still go down? It will be nice spending the time with you.

Sure.

He grabbed my hand. It’s almost time for you to get to work. Want me to drive you there?

I’ll be okay. Thanks anyway.

Okay. I’ll call you tonight. I love you, he said and kissed me.

We went our separate ways, and I tossed the other half of the coffee into the bin. I drove my way to work and tried to ignore Cali having a breakdown.

Half an hour until the interview. What if there’s traffic? You won’t make it on time. That means you won’t get the job. Twenty-nine minutes now. Holy shit. Drive, Charlotte, drive! Twenty-eight minutes. Twenty-seven minutes. Twenty-six minutes.

I pulled up into the car park and walked in. I went to the room where the interview was and got ushered in immediately. After around half an hour, the interview concluded on a positive note. I got the job, but only just. I started in two weeks, and I would need to be more organised and dress better. I knew this wouldn’t be a problem. Work pants, flats, a nice top, and a long cardigan to finish it off. This would hide my self-harm and make my new workplace happy. I bid farewell to the workplace and went back into my car. I didn’t purge, and I felt sick. I drove to a secluded place and got out of my car. I opened the passenger side door and sat inside it, my legs hanging out the side. I put two fingers down my throat, and up came my coffee all in one hit. I purged again, and up came my juice. I pulled out some tissues and wiped my mouth and fingers and took a gulp of water.

Good job, Mia whispered.

I slid back into the driver’s seat and started the car. Turning around, I drove back home. Pulling up into the driveway, I parked the car and walked to my room. I jumped on the scales, and a tear ran down my face: fifty-seven kilograms. For a nineteen-year-old, who was 183 cm, I was apparently underweight, but turning my eyes to the mirror, I couldn’t see how I was. All I saw was fat and my ugly body. I slithered into my bed and opened my journal.

Sunday, 5 July: 57 kg.

Breakfast: a diluted glass of orange juice = 39 calories

Lunch: coffee = 206 calories, two splenda

Dinner: a small bowl of salad—half a tomato, 30g of lettuce, 100g of celery = 90 calories

Total = 335 calories

Exercise: 45-minute run = 100 calories

Total—loss = 235 calories

Water: 2 bottles

I then got out of bed, changed into my tracksuit, slid on a pair of runners, gathered my iPod, and went for the forty-five-minute run. I saw people, whom I was friends with from school, on the corner of Mountain Street and the main road. Did I talk to them? Of course not; I kept running.

They didn’t want to speak to you anyway, Max reminded me.

I ran harder, my lungs struggling to keep up. My head started to pound, and my eyes were fading in and out of blackness. I stopped to catch my breath and sat down, leaning against a fence. Closing my eyes, I focused on my breathing. I felt a little better. I stood up and continued running past my old netball club and my old school as well. Turning a corner, I ran down my street and jumbled inside, collapsing on to the couch. I took a gulp of my water that I left on the table and squirted it down my face. I stumbled upstairs and went into the shower.

Your clothes, idiot, Max said.

Fuck, I said to myself.

I turned off the shower and stripped down, throwing my clothes into the bathtub next to me. I turned the shower back on and washed my hair and body. I stopped it and got out, drying myself off. I saw the bottom half of my ribs when I looked into the mirror, and I smiled. They were learning to be more prominent. I liked that.

You like that? You actually like what you see? How? You’re a fat ugly pig! Look at all that excess fat you still have to lose. We can’t have that, can we? You used to be skinnier! Ana cried.

But I was sick then! I said.

Hello, you still are? You shouldn’t have overdosed. Then they wouldn’t know about me. And you would still be skinny.

You’re the one making her life hell, Max added.

She would be happy if it wasn’t for you, Max.

She would be normal if it wasn’t for you, Ana.

No, she wouldn’t. She would still be ill. She has Mia to argue with as well.

Shut up! Both of you! I screamed.

They silenced themselves and slid back into my subconscious. I gathered my clothes and wandered into my room and got dressed. I heard my family come home, and I walked downstairs.

Be good, I whispered to my friends.

We will, they whispered back.

Where did you guys go? I said, picking up James.

Mum took us shopping, he responded.

And we bought you some stuff too! Susie exclaimed.

Oh, that’s nice. Come on, show me what you got.

I put down James, and they ran outside to get their stuff from the car.

They wanted to buy you something because you don’t get out enough. I thought it was cute. I didn’t help either of them pick it. I only did the sizing, my mother said, walking in.

Oh, so it’s most likely going to be a pink ‘My Little Pony’ shirt? Fun, I said with extreme sarcasm.

Be good, Charlotte. They’re only four and six. But I think you will like what they chose for you.

Just as she said that, they came running in with bags. They showed me what they bought for themselves and then, last of all, they proudly showed me what they had bought for me. It was a blue beach dress that had white lace around the outside and in the middle. It was beautiful.

Wow, that’s so pretty. Thanks, you two.

I kissed them both on the head.

Not like it will fit, Ana said.

Or look good, Max added.

Might have to purge a little more to look decent and make sure your stomach doesn’t bulge out like it usually does, Mia said, adding in.

I took it upstairs and hung it on a hanger. They came running up after me, putting their stuff away.

Play with us, Charlotte! they said, running into my room and grabbing my hands.

Sure, I said.

I sat down and drew pictures with them. I wasn’t the best artist. I preferred writing. After an hour or so, I said I had to go downstairs and help Mum prepare dinner. They giggled and continued drawing. I went downstairs and padded into the kitchen. I grabbed out the salad and began cutting the tomato and dicing the celery. I usually help Mum with the dinner as it makes me feel good—you know, making sure everyone else eats something decent and then when they enjoy it, it’s even better. I put all the tomato and celery into a bowl with lettuce and grabbed out the salad dressing. I picked them up and placed them on the table.

Mum, I’m kind of hungry now. Do you mind if I eat?

Go for it, honey.

I grabbed the scales and placed them on the table as soon as I got into the dining room. I scooped out as much as I said I would eat and then placed it into my bowl. Sitting down, I took a bite. I counted how many times I chewed it before I swallowed it down. Sooner than I thought, the small bowl of salad was inside my stomach. I ignored Mia telling me to run to the bathroom and purge it all up. Salad was good for me. I placed the bowl in the sink and went up to my room. I pulled out my laptop and went on Skinpiration, the place where I compared my body to other skinny girls—girls who I aspired to be skinnier than. I scrolled for pages until I reached where I had left off the day before. I opened a new tab and went on fatgirlproblems.com and helloimana.com. I kept scrolling and comparing pages after pages. I opened a new tab again and went on my blog. I had many people who followed my posts, most of them suffering from the same illnesses. I saw I had a few new followers, one of them a girl called Melissa. I opened her blog and followed her. I clicked on the page where I could see images of her. Immediately, I saw that she had Anorexia as well. Her hip bones stuck out when she stood straight, and her collarbones were identical to mine. She looked tall and had long black hair and came from Asian decent. I messaged her, and we spoke for hours. I found out she was seventeen and lived in Belleview Heights, and her origin was Japanese and Chilean. She liked music, especially Falling in Reverse and Escape the Fate, and was seeing them in December. I said I was as well. She suggested we meet up at the concert, and I said that was a great idea.

I checked the time, and it was 1 a.m. I said farewell and closed my laptop lid. I was tired and needed some rest. I closed my eyes, only to be woken up by Susie.

Charlie, it’s seven! We need to go to school! Charlie! Susie chanted in my ear.

Okay, go downstairs, and get into the car. I’ll be there in a minute.

They ran downstairs and into my car. I yawned, then got up and pulled on some clothes and staggered down the stairs and into the car.

Have a good day. Don’t get into trouble, I said as I dropped them off.

They clambered out and ran to their classrooms. I sighed and drove off back home.

What are you having for breakfast? Ana asked.

Three slices of toast. With jam. No fat! Then you can purge it all up, Mia spat at me. No arguing. You used to love jam. Smile, fatty!

I did what I was told and ate the three slices of toast. I walked to my bathroom and purged up all the toast. I heard the door creak open, and there stood Jake.

I can explain, Jake.

No, don’t. There is no need to. This explains everything, Charlotte.

It’s not what it looks like.

You’re sick! Come on, you don’t have to hide things like this from me. You don’t have your period. You’ve got the flu! That’s why you can’t come to the beach with me this weekend. It explains why you’ve been looking so ill lately. God, you gave me a heart attack. He picked me up and pushed my hair behind my ears. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. You need to shower and freshen up.

He turned on the shower, and I stood there, waiting for him to exit the room, but he didn’t move.

Charlotte, get undressed! You can’t expect to take a shower in that, he said and laughed.

I prefer to take showers, uh, alone.

Why? Scared that your boyfriend will see you naked? Oh babe, please, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.

You were skinny then. He will be ashamed of how much weight you’ve gained! Get him out! Ana told me.

I’ll meet you downstairs. Please?

You’re a strange girl, Charlotte. You know that?

He kissed me, and I got undressed. I hopped into the shower and sat down, sticking my fingers down my throat again. With the noise of the shower, he would never hear me vomiting. I vomited up as much as I could and got out. I got dressed into my clothes again and headed to him.

Feeling better?

Much, I lied.

How come you haven’t told your parents that you’ve been feeling like this? You shouldn’t be left home alone.

They don’t need to worry about me.

Yes, they do. They have a right to. You’re their child too, not just Susie and James.

But still, they’re little and small and cause trouble. I don’t need to be on their minds as well.

Loser.

He pulled me down on to the couch and kissed my forehead. He turned on a movie, and we lay there in each other’s arms, watching it, but I wasn’t exactly watching it. My mind was elsewhere. I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t guessed about my eating disorder yet, or that I self harm, or that I have depression, or that I’m constantly nervous.

Maybe he doesn’t care? Max said. Nobody does.

The movie came to a finish, and he whispered in my ear, Want some chicken soup, bub?

258 calories. Just a small bowl, please. I don’t know if I would be able to keep it up.

Okay, sweetheart, give me ten.

He got up and started making our lunch. I just wished he would leave me alone. I had an urge to go upstairs and self harm, and I needed a smoke so badly as well as needing to weigh myself. I love him, but sometimes I don’t think he understands my needs. He’s the best boyfriend I could ask for, but he doesn’t understand that I need my personal space.

Jake, can you leave?

What?

"I’m feeling a little down at the moment, and I think I want to sleep. It might be easier if you leave. You don’t have