Eric: An Elf with a Big Charisma

By Ronnie King

If you go down into the woods today you are sure of a big surprise, because there in a corner of this vast woodland abode lives an elf. Not any old average common woodland elf but Eric the owner of the biggest charisma in the Kingdom. A Fairies elf to the last, and aided by a mismatched assortment of multinational woodland folk, they re-enact famous Fairy-tales in their own inimitable style. The 'Gaff' (Erics home) is the stopping off point for all and sundry and there is never a dull moment when he and his chums are around. Not a bedtime read for children, but guaranteed to raise a titter with its English seaside postcard/carry on humour and innuendo.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Dec 31, 2013
• ISBN: 9781491886847

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© 2014 Ronnie King. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 12/28/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4918-8683-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-8684-7 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

A Porky-Pie Tale?

An Unbearable Tale

A Pukka Tale

A Ducky Tale

A Tall Tale

Live To Tell The Tale?

A Reflective Tale

DEDICATION: This book is dedicated to my very good friends Wendy and Willow who without their help this book would have remained a figment of my imagination… and also my partner Moira who has suffered my rants and raves over the past year whilst writing this masterpiece.

A Porky-Pie Tale?

Why was Eric in a pensive mood? It was Sunday morning in his world and reflection was at the forefront as he stared at the bubbles that floated upon his early morning muggo. The previous year had sure been a busy year for him. January and February had seen Eric as host to an Albanian Asylum seeker by the name of Peatee, who not only caused chaos, but stole Eric’s beloved dog Jaytee when he returned to his homeland. How Eric survived without his Jaytee gawd only knew, but that was the magic of Fairyland. March, April and May saw Eric doing his rounds on a Sinclair C5 and Tandem and his Olympic torch run in June was a crowd pleaser. July, August and September heralded the arrival of his Nicycle Tricycle Bicycle… much excitement was generated by this and many a pukka pert perky one was appreciated. With several parties, birthdays, gong bashes and Christmas, the arrival of Gervais added a whole new dimension as did his Pukka Perky Ass and Everard cologne. In all, it had been a fabulous year and Eric looked forward to an even more fun filled new one.

Eric was awoken by the chimes of his doorbell. I wonder who this could be so early in the morning, thought Eric, rising from the eider that had given him so much comfort in his sleeping hours. On opening his door, there before him stood a dishevelled gnome. I’m so sorry to disturb you guv at this early hour, said the gnome, but I was informed by the wise old owl of the wood that your heart was nearly as big (but not quite) as your Big Charisma, continued the gnome who tipped his fishing rod that held his entire wealth in the knotted rag at its tip. Let me introduce myself… I’m Victor the Vagrant… well that’s what they call me… you must be Eric? enquired the gnome who hoped for a free handout. "I lost my fortune in the Dingley Dell crash of 29 and have been down on my uppers ever since, you could spare me a gold coin or the price of a muggo? A wave of sadness swept over Eric. How could he turn this gnome away and what were the noisy contents contained in the parcel, tied with a big pink bow that was left on Eric’s doorstep?

Eric did not have to open the flaps of the box, as the creature it contained within sprung out and scurried to the corner of his humble shed abode. Bout chuffin time matey! I felt like the prisoner of Zenda in there and as for you scruffpot (looking at Victor) what you gawking at? Ain’t you ever seen a pussy before? said the black furry beast that was at last enjoying a taste of freedom. A talking cat… how strange… what a gift… I would have never have guessed, said Eric astounded by what he had seen and heard. Well you ain’t lived then, have you? Let me introduce myself, I’m Purr-cie the Pedigree Persian Pussy. I have letters after my name don’t you know. K.A.T. so don’t you go forgetting it SAVVI! And by the way, what’s for breakfast? I’m bl**dy starving and could eat a fish monger’s counter between two bread vans… and that’s just for starters! continued Purr-cie having now taken up residence on Eric’s fireside chair. I’m speechless, said Eric holding his head in amazement. Two surprises in one day, whatever next?!"

If I’m to be living here for a while Eric I would be pleased if you keep that flea bag away from me, hissed Purr-cie looking at Victor with loathsome eyes. I have enough lodgers of my own thank you very much. Easy Purr-cie, said Eric you are both guests in my home and I expect you both to get along with one and other. I am going to have to get along with you two, like it or lump it, so let’s start how we mean to go on, continued Eric stamping his elfie authority on the situation. OK, if we must, I bagsy top bunk though, said Purr-cie obviously equipped for climbing and extreme heights. I’m just pleased to have a roof over my head… how kind of you Eric, said Victor ever the gentle gnome of the road. There is one task that must be performed first, said Eric pointing to the tin bath that adorned his outside wall. May I add only used for special occasions ie: Birthdays, Christmas, fairy dates and the last Friday in every month. Unhooking the said bath from its wall mounting, Eric had soon dragged this beast of a tub into the centre of his front room. Right you two, get e’m off, said Eric checking the temperature of the water it soon contained with his knobbly elfie elbow. I’m sure that you ain’t got nothing each other has not seen before, unless one of you is packing a Big Charisma like me and I very much doubt that, said Eric with a wry smile. I do this under protest, said Purr-cie. How undignified! A bare pussy indeed! Victor was just pleased to give his portions a soak and taking up residence in the warm soapy depths, it was a case of every flea for himself. Purr-cie was not that far behind dipping his tail in first to check that the temperature was just right. With frothy frolics soon ensuing, any aggression that Purr-cie had shown towards Victor was forgotten. As bathing allies, these two misfits had more important tasks to complete like ‘sink the Bismarck’ and ‘hunt the submarine’. Eric was pleased that a truce had been called between them and he hoped that his two new companions would soon settle in to Eric’s quirky way of life. As soon as you two are settled in I will show you around the Gaff, said Eric and then I will introduce you both to my Fairyland friends. Whether this would be a wise move gawd only knew, but there was only one way to find out…

Suitably attired for the time of the year, this unlikely trio exited Eric’s humble Gaff home and with Eric playing ‘Host with the most ‘ (but we already know that), he was soon showing his guests his landscaped corner of this Fairyland Paradise. Hey! Is that a toadstool in your pocket Eric or are you just pleased to see me? called out one little pig as he gathered straw for his particular house building project. It was all happening at the Gaff. What with Victor and Purr-cie to deal with, Eric now had the pleasure of the Three Little Pigs’ Construction Company.com, doing what came naturally to them… construction. Eric wondered if he had taken on more than he could chew. He was hungry for adoration, but of the fairy kind only. Those filthy beasts ain’t going to be oinking around here for two long are they? enquired Purr-cie turning up his nose and whiskers at the smell that accompanied them. Of course not Purr-cie, replied Eric "They will only be here for a short while. I just love a good fairy tale when told by a beautiful fairy, especially at bedtime.

With construction by the Three Little Pigs Construction Company.com now well underway, Eric knew that the Big bad wolf would not be that far behind. With his humble Gaff shed home made of wood, the fear of wind worried him. Maybe less sprouts and baked beans was the answer? Suggestions on a postcard addressed to the Gaff, North Devon UK.

When it came to huffing and puffing, Eric normally reserved this for fairy encounters and he knew he would be a match for anything the BIG bad wolf had to blow at him. I hope that I’m not being sidelined matey, sneered Purr-cie Just because bacon is back on the menu don’t think you can get rid of me that easy. I’m sure that Eric would not do that Purr-cie, chipped in Victor always ready to kiss butt at every opportunity to pay for his bed and board. When it came to humbleness, Victor sure showed Uriah Heap the finer art of heaping it on with a shovel without overdoing it. Leaving the three pigs with their construction work almost completed, Eric, Victor and Purr-cie exited the Gaff to catch up on Eric’s ever growing watering round. It’s so nice to be back on the road and smelling like an over the top iron hoof, said Victor happy to have found a good friend in Eric. Left a bit… right a bit… that’s it… the butt stops right there Victor, hissed Purr-cie at this humble gnome of the road. Don’t be so cruel, shouted Eric tiring of Purr-cie’s put-downs on Victor. Anymore of your nastiness and I will have you down the vets quicker than you can say Jack Robinson!