Rage

By Erin Craft

Imagine not being able to understanding your past and the relentless frustration that it would cause in your life. This story is about a young womans struggle to find these answers and try to make sense of her childhood events. It flashes back to these events as answers and more questions present themselves to her. As a result of her ongoing search her daily life is disrupted in ways youd never imagine. Even entering into an altered state to try and find some comfort, protection, or answers to her psyche. Until the secrets start to fall like so many dominoes and her past somehow starts to make sense.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 30, 2010
• ISBN: 9781450253420

Erin Craft

*per email 08/02, au does not want bio

Book preview

Chapter One

What’s the difference between insanity and reality? I’ve always wondered that. Maybe people, who are insane, are saner than we are. Maybe they see things for what they really are, without all the baggage and fears that we carry with us through our daily life. Maybe they are the ones who can really see reality for what it is and the rest of us are all living in our own little dream worlds, blind to everything except what we want to see.

I am but thirty years old and I can still remember the torture and agony I went through as if it were yesterday. It’s sad when a child has to suffer such things as I did. I thought I would go completely mad, as my mother did. My poor mother, that committed that heinous crime, lived in blissful ignorance of her act for the rest of her life. Sometimes that thought terrified me, that I might be like her, that at some point, my mind would go. And then at other times, I wished it would hurry and plunge me into ignorance, so I would not have to suffer anymore.

That day. That awful day! It started out with wonderful anticipation. It was the last day of school, before summer vacation. I remember sitting at my desk and waiting for the bell to ring. It was as if there were electricity in the air, the excitement was so great. I kept staring out of the window, for the outdoors meant freedom to me. Soon I would be free, for three whole months!

We lived on the outskirts of Salem, Massachusetts, in a little town called Edgewood Park. My family didn’t have much money because the town was so small and my father couldn’t find steady work. He did a lot of odd jobs, a lot of temporary jobs.

I reached over and tapped my best friend Jenny on the arm.

Are you going to the ice cream store with me when we get out of here?

That sounds great! she replied. Then she asked me if I had passed to the fourth grade.

Yes. I said, with a sigh of relief. I sure wouldn’t want to have to repeat a grade with old Pickle Puss! At that, we both burst into laughter.

Just then the bell rang and I jumped up, hoping to be the first one out, but everyone else had the same idea and the door was packed tight with kids pushing and shoving.

Rachel! Rachel! I heard Jenny calling me and turned to see her motioning for me to wait for her. I pulled back from the crowd to where she was. As we were leaving the room, Mrs. Cooney, our teacher, said, Good-bye girls, see you next year.

Good-bye Mrs. Cooney. we said in unison, trying not to laugh.

The main hallway was almost empty now. Papers were strewn everywhere. I felt sorry for the custodian, Mr. Blakely, because I knew he would have to clean up this mess. He was such a nice man, I really liked him a lot. He gave me lunch money a couple of times during the year, when I had forgotten mine. Well, that’s what I told him anyway. Actually, my father was the one who forgot to leave it on the kitchen table for me, before he left for work.

Well, said Jenny as we walked out the front door, we are free for three whole months!

Yay! we both shouted in unison.

Come on, let’s run. I said as I darted off down the street. Jenny caught up with me in no time and we ran down the sidewalk to the bridge. We ran over the bridge and into the park.

Sanderson Park was one of my favorite places then. It had a big ravine that I’d spend hours in, exploring. There were frogs and garden snakes and all manner of what I now call, creepy, crawly things.

Now let’s skip. Jenny said, obviously getting tired from running. I was too, but I didn’t want her to know that.

Come on, I said, let’s cut through those yards over there and we’ll get to the ice cream store a lot faster.

We ran through a couple of yards and then I saw Cookie’s house.

Stop! I yelled. We were both out of breath by this time. Jenny asked why we were stopping.

This is Cookie’s house. I said, still breathing very hard. He’s deaf. That’s what they say anyway. I don’t believe it though. I think he’s faking it!

Why would he do that? Jenny asked.

So he could listen to people’s conversations, without them knowing about it. I answered.

We moved around to the side of the house, getting a full view of the front porch, where as luck would have it, we saw him sitting.

There he is. I said.

He was a tall man, with a very muscular stature. The sun was gleaning off of his curly, blonde hair. He wasn’t more than twenty-five years old at that time, but to me, that was middle-aged.

Now watch this. I said to Jenny. I’m going to prove it to you.

I sneaked around the house, hiding behind the hedge as I made my way up onto the porch behind him. He was very adeptly whittling on a piece of wood. I looked at Jenny and put my finger to my lips. Then, as loudly as I could, I yelled, BOO! There was no response. COOKIE! I screamed. Still no response.

I felt the blood rising to my face. I didn’t want to look stupid in front of Jenny.

Aw, come on Cookie, I know you can hear me! But he was completely oblivious to my presence and kept right on whittling.

I went back to Jenny feeling very embarrassed. Once again, I felt my face flush, as she started laughing at me.

Look, I said angrily, I know he’s faking it! He must have heard me sneaking up behind him and prepared himself!

Okay Rachel, whatever you say. she said, still laughing.

Pretending her laughter didn’t bother me, I said, Come on, let’s go get our ice cream.

We walked across the street to the ice cream store. The bell on the door clanged as we went inside. The heavenly smell of chocolate wafted to my nostrils and I breathed in deep. Jenny ordered a snow cone and I ordered a fudgicle. We both stood inside, licking our treats in silence. When we finally went back outside, I knew I’d better be getting home soon.

My mother has been having a lot of problems with her nerves lately. She’s really been edgy and temperamental. The last thing I want to do is get her upset with me.

Well Jenny, I said, I gotta go. My mom is real anxious to know if I passed or not, so I’ll see ya later, okay?

Okay. she said. See ya.

So what if I lied! I wasn’t about to tell her that my mom wasn’t the least bit interested in whether I had passed or not. I wasn’t even sure if she knew that this was the last day of school! Lately, I’ve been getting my own breakfast and getting myself off to school, while she stayed in bed and slept!

Jenny started off down the street, and I turned to cross back the way we had come. I crossed the street and was heading towards the park when I saw Cookie walking towards me, with a wide grin on his face. I knew he could read lips, so I waved and said, Hi Cookie. He waved back, then walked up to me, picked me up and put me on top of a big garbage dumpster that was nearby. Then he turned around and walked away.

Anger welled up in me until I thought I would burst into tears. I yelled after him, I knew you could hear, you faker!

I looked around to see if there was a way to get down, but it was too high. I saw a man walking down the street towards me and waited for him to get close enough to hear me.

Uh, excuse me sir. He stopped and looked up at me.

Could you please help me down from here? My big brother put me up here as a joke, and I can’t get down.

Sure. he said as he reached up and lifted me down.

Thank-you. I said sheepishly, once again feeling very embarrassed. I turned and started running for home. I hoped no one I knew had seen me stuck up there like that, but I was too ashamed to look around and see if anyone had.

As I walked up the hill to my house, I saw my father in the front yard. He had finally chopped down the old dead tree that had been such an eyesore for so long. Now he was busy at chopping the wood into smaller pieces, for the fireplace.

Hi Daddy. I said, as I walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek.

Hi Princess. he said, returning my kiss. How did it go at school? Did you pass?

Yes. I said shuffling my feet. But just barely.

Well, that’s okay. he said. I wasn’t much good in school when I was your age either. I always had something more important on my mind, like having fun!

I giggled. Oh Daddy, I love you! I said, throwing my arms around his neck. You always understand me.

Hey! Just because I’m getting to be an old geezer, doesn’t mean that I can’t remember what it’s like to be a kid! It’s the best time of life, and I want you to enjoy it just as much as I did, although, I don’t want you to get into as much trouble as I did. he said chuckling.

How did I happen to get the best father in the whole world? I asked, as I sat down on a log to watch him chop wood.

He replied with a laugh, I know, I am pretty great, aren’t I?

As I was sitting there watching him, like so many times in the past, I once again marveled at how very handsome he was. He was a tall man, and had coal black hair. I could see the muscles bulging through the sleeves of his shirt, as he put his whole body into chopping the wood. He was always very neatly dressed, even when doing dirty work like this, and even though we never had money for anything else, he was always very well dressed.

I can see why my mother fell in love with him. I thought. I’ve even heard some of her friends remark on how handsome he is and that if he wasn’t already married to my mother, they’d snatch him away in a minute. I’m going to find a man just like him when I grow up!

Rachel, Jason, dinner’s ready! We both looked up to see my mother waving for us to come inside.

Coming Angel! my father yelled.

My mother’s real name was Angelica, but my father always called her Angel. He said, that was his pet name for her, just as Princess was his pet name for me. We both walked arm in arm, into the house.

The aroma of baked ham and green beans reached my nostrils as the screen door slammed shut behind me.

Umm! I said. That smells good Mommy!

Thank-you honey. she said as she carried the ham to the table. I thought I’d make something special, since today is the last day of school. You did pass, didn’t you?

Yes mam. I said as I sat down, ready to dive into all of that good food and feeling pleased that she had remembered.

My dad already had the knife in his hand, ready to slice the ham, when my mother said, Ah Ah! Both of you, get up from that table right now and go wash your hands! Really! she said, with hands on hips, I don’t know how the two of you can eat without the slightest thought to the filth that’s on your hands! Now go on, go wash!

We both rose from the table, to do as she had said. Daddy had a smile on his face as he went into the bathroom. I waited outside for him to finish, thinking that maybe she wasn’t in such a good mood after all. This whole thing is an inconvenience. She tantalizes our taste buds with all of that good food and then waits until we’re sitting down and all ready to dig in, dying of hunger, and then she sends us away from the table to do a stupid thing like wash our hands!

My mother is always worrying about how clean things are! Sometimes, I feel as if we live in a museum, instead of a house. She is always telling me, Take off your shoes before you come into the house. Don’t touch the walls, you’ll leave fingerprints on them. Don’t do this, don’t do that!

Boy! When I’m a mother, I’m going to let my kids do anything they want to!

My father came out of the bathroom and I hurriedly washed my hands, but I knew I didn’t do a good job of it, because I left dirt on the towel as I dried them.

Back at the table, we all started piling the food onto our plates. I gave a brief run-down of how my day had gone, how everyone at school was so excited, it being the last day and all, and how Jenny and I had stopped at the ice cream store on the way home, excluding the part about Cookie of course. Then Daddy made a few comments about chopping down that tree and the rest of the meal was eaten in relative silence, with just a few comments here and there.

When we were all done, Daddy commented again, on how good the food was. My mother replied very tartly, Thank-you!

We both looked at her, surprised at the sudden change in her mood. She smiled at me, trying to recover her composure, but it was a forced smile, her lips drawn tight and thin.

Frustrated, I stared down at my empty plate. I wanted to look at my father to see what his reaction was, but was afraid of being obvious. Apparently, he had tried to ignore it because he didn’t say anything.

I got a phone call today. she said softly.

From who? my father asked.

I don’t know! she said slamming her glass down on the table, making both of us jump. Whoever it was, hung up when I answered!

Boy, the tension is really thick now! I thought. I hate this! Why does she have to act like this? If I can figure out what she was implying, I’m certain that my dad can too! Why can’t she see how much he loves her?

CRASH! I jumped.

What was that?

I looked up to see my mother running out of the room, crying. She had thrown her plate onto the floor. I looked over at my father. He was just sitting there with a blank look on his face. Then he got up and told me to stay there, that he would go talk to her.

I could hear their muffled voices and felt as if I were eavesdropping. My mother was crying hysterically.

After busying myself with cleaning the mess up off of the floor, for my mother had hardly touched her food, I decided to go outside for awhile.

The screen door slammed behind me as I stepped out onto the porch. It’s getting dark now. The sky is red. I wonder why the sky always turns red just before dark?

I walked over to the tree stump and saw my father’s ax still leaning up against it. Oh well, I guess he forgot to put it away. I hope it doesn’t rain, I wouldn’t want it to get all rusty.

Sitting down on the stump, I started drawing pictures in the dirt with a stick. After what seemed like hours, I heard the screen door slam and looked up to see my father walking towards me. He came and sat down beside me.

I’m sorry about that honey. he said as he put his arm around me.

Venting my frustration, I said, What’s the matter with her? She’s been getting so upset over nothing lately and she’s being so mean to you Daddy! I don’t understand why she’s acting like this!

Now Rachel, he said, don’t think badly of your mother. She’s been under a terrible strain lately and we both have to try and be a little more understanding. Your mother loves both of us very much, and just because she doesn’t show it twenty-four hours a day, doesn’t mean she loves us any less.

You know, you’re going to be nine years old soon, and I think you’re getting old enough to try and show a little responsibility around here. Sometimes, you’re much too critical of your mother. I know that I’m largely responsible for that. A little girl is supposed to favor her father at your age and I’ve encouraged your affections, but not to the point of you being jealous and angry at your mother.

He had gotten up and was pacing back and forth now, and it seemed he got more angry with each word. He was venting his frustration and his words really hurt me. I started to cry.

Suddenly he stopped and looked down at me. He heaved a heavy sigh and knelt down before me, putting his hands on my shoulders.

Listen Princess, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I’m just trying to make you realize that you’re being very selfish in your attitude towards your mother. Instead of criticizing and finding reasons to be angry with her, why don’t you try to understand that she’s human? And for that matter, so am I! You see your mother with too many faults, and you see me with too few.

I’m not the perfect man that you think I am honey, and you putting me on that pedestal, puts an added burden on me to try to live up to what you think I am. But honey, what I am, is just a man. I swear when I’m at work, I drink too much and all too often, I even get into fights when I’m drunk.

Princess, do you remember those times when I said I forgot to leave you your lunch money?

I shook my head in acknowledgment.

Well, the truth is that I didn’t forget. he said bitterly. I had gambled it away the night before! I don’t do it very often, but that doesn’t change the fact that you had to go without lunch on those days!

But Daddy, I said, I can understand all of those things. You work hard to take care of me and Mommy, and you deserve to be able to have a good time once in a while.

He cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. Rachel, if you can make such excuses for me, then why can’t you do the same for your mother? She’s not a villain you know? Just think about it, after what I have just confessed to you, the woman has to be pretty special to put up with the likes of me.

I smiled and said, She has to be pretty special for you to have fallen in love with her!

You knucklehead! What am I going to do with you? he said as we both laughed and hugged, and then he sat me back down on the stump.

Okay then, he said, you’re going to be more loving and understanding to her, right?

Right! I said.

And you’re going to help her get through this hard time, right?

Right! I answered. But what is it that’s bothering her so much?

The smile left his face at my question. He heaved another sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He always did that when he didn’t know what to say. Then, he