The Calpocalypse: An Allegory in Verse

By Maurice Gandy

Maurice Gandy creates a looping, feverish narrative in this collection of riveting rhyme about sun, sand, and the search for the perfect wave. The Calpocalypse describes the wanderings of a group of itinerant California surfers on the beaches of San Francisco and Mexico in the 1960s. A far cry from Funicello and Avalon, characters like Macho Peaches, The Duke of Tan, and Coyote Conquistador introduce us to the real psycho-spiritual world of the surfers' esoteric lifestyle.

The action begins when a riot on the beach triggers an escape to the "Ultimate Toolies" in the mountains. An unfortunate encounter with a mountain cat causes another sudden flight, this time to Mexico where even the unwritten laws of the surfing gods don't apply. Things get wilder when a few of the surfers join the religious cult of the Reverend Cosmo Tease, while others are challenged to daring feats at the mysterious San Andreas Fault.

In a climactic finale, we learn who defied the limits, who bailed, and who got axed. Whatever happens to them, each one of Gandy's funny, engrossing characters is altered forever-as is the reader-by the experience of The Calpocalypse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Dec 6, 2007
• ISBN: 9780595890835

Maurice Gandy

Maurice Gandy is a college and university instructor in Mobile, Alabama. He has written humor columns and feature articles for print, and he is the author of An Uncharted Inch, a book of original poetry. Gandy is married and has two adult daughters.

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Copyright © 2007 by Maurice Edward Gandy

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Contents

They Also Surf

Who Only Stand

and Wait

The Heartfrom the Chest

Untimely Ripped

The Sheik of Neverbe

Will Ever Be

Cads of Conscience

Come

The Wrestling

at the Rock

Maiden Voyage

Half-Heroics

The Misplaced Mollifier

Addled Essence

Confusion

Still Confounded

Opportunity’s Knockers

Nukey-Nukey-Na-Na

Phase 13

Coyote Conquistador

Desperadoes’ Den

The Ultimate Toolies

Last of a

Rugged, Leathery Race

Soledad, Soledad,

Don’t Follow Me

How Soars

the Six-Foot Canary

The Gelding

of the Mystic Ram

Tomb

of the Unknown Heart

El Grande Pronto

The Divine Intentions

Phase 23

The Key to Katsavage

Phase 24

Night Cycle

Stomp Your Nada

Four Horsemen

of the Calpocalypse

Coyote Goads;

Dace Erodes

All the Gray

that Matters

Tender Thy Turquoise

Unholy Coyote Controls

Phase 31

Lostatusooneedsus

The Rooster

of Me Gusta

Xenmystique

The Kiss Smackorrendous

Yakkety Sex

The Wham-Bam

Honey Man

Numrod Cometh

Padre Mia

Mad, Mad Mexisex

Heckle and Jibe

You’re IA Heap

The Trash God Rules

The Cosmic Fist

Phase 44

Sun Donny Rendezvous

Bapteasum

Chicken-Feather Guru

The Quali-Molly Coup

Grog for Demagogues

Making a Final Splash

The Statue of Limitations

Hie On, Nero!

Thanautopsy

Soaring Like a Seagull

Intermezzo with Prepastero

Speak, Geek!

Retrospectacles

Phase 57 Kinky News

The Snake Ends Untwinned

The Idiodyssey Ends

Goner Bound

Odd Man Out

Childe Harold

to the Cold Heart Came

From Apple Hoard

to Hellhole Z

Introduction

The Calpocalypse evolved from my coming-of-age experiences in California dur-

ing the 1960s, including school, basic and advanced training in the army, resi-

dential life in San Francisco, wanderings from Shasta to San Diego, and forays

into Mexico.

Drawing on that personal background, I created a semi-fantastic world, a cul-

ture of extended youth where traditional myths are rejected or reinvented, and let

scores of characters loose in it. Chaos resulted. Allegorical characters, representing

both themselves and elemental needs, collided in the struggle to reconcile the par-

adoxes of their personal myths.

Ifthe road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom,¹ there should be wisdom

aplenty at the end of these rites of passage. Every person or situation that impacts

consciousness here reinforces or negates some portion of a character’s self-image.

The multiplicity, then, of characters and incidents in The Calpocalypse is neces-

sary for a fulfilled myth of personality and the myth of an age.

But collisions among tectonic plates of subterranean identities bring casualties.

The horror in some scenes is mitigated with humor and a sense of the glorious

ridiculousness of striving for the impossible with little thought of the conse-

quences. In the modern myth of The Calpocalypse, it’s better to have striven with

the gods for one heroic moment and lost than never to have striven at all.

Since some of the character labels and attitudes in The Calpocalypse reflect

times a half century ago, they may seem offensive now. The characters do not

apologize. They came on stage, marched to whatever drumbeat moved them, and

had some crazy times doing it. They, like most of us, had to live in and deal with

the generation and the obsessions of the generation in which they found

themselves.

Enjoy the spoof of exaggerated essences that disappear or are transformed

here. Even losses may be gains when they define the soul of an age. Who knows?

You may find bits and pieces of yourself among the scores of personalities

paraded across this raucous landscape.

Characters and Icons

Abombanation plan (the Big One)

Abracadaver

Albatrossities

Amelia Airhead

Angel Dust bus

Apache Mama

Apple Dumthing

Apple Hoard to Hellhole Z

Arty Choke

Arya Deseret

Aurora (joined to Boring Alice)

Authority’s Big Blue Men

Balded babes (soldiers)

Bapteasum

Basques from the Pyrenees

Bats from eaves and caves

Battered bike

Bed Check

Bessie Mae Koolo (Big Bessie Mae)

Bleach Boys

Bleedie Mae (knife named for Bessie Mae Koolo)

Boring Alice (joined to Aurora)

Brother Homogenous/sentinel/trash god

Brother Whippoorwill

Buck Lava

Butterflies (mariposas)

Cads of Conscience

Caliban Mountain

California Kookydook (label attached to Ingrown Harry)

Caller in the Glory Rift band

Checkmates

Chicken-feather guru (label attached to Reverend Cosmo Tease)

Chico (Ingrown Harry nickname)

Childe Harold (Ingrown Harry manifestation)

Cinderellas (lost fantasies of Lily and Dace)

Circuit Court of Apple Peels and its judge

Circus galleon

Clydes in Riverside

Colonel (with the nuclear swagger stick)

Comely nurse

Condor

Coo Coo Lane (Jivejello alias)

Coo Coo Me Gusta (future child to be named for Coo Coo Lane)

Cosmic fist

Cosmo’s Chosen

Cosmunion (grog for demagogues)

Coyote Conquistador

Crash Sandy

Creepy du Chien

Custer’s Last Stand

Customs border guards

Dace Lava (future son of Buck and Arya)

Death Nelbert

Desperadoes’ den

Divine Intentions (youngers and elders)

Duke of Tan (The)/Geek race starter with fake nose and glasses

Ebb Tide

El Arbol Tercer (Twisted Tree)

El Camino Real

El Mundo (the toad)

Fanged ambulance attendant (perversity’s Santa Claus)

Fetid Chino

Flasholordy

Floor-de-Lee

Four Horsemen of the Calpocalypse: Buck Lava, Ingrown Harry, Jivejello,

Moapa Dace

Gelding of the mystic ram

Getchamaria

Girls with hips like saddles (Jivejello’s fantasy)

Glory Rift Church

Great white shark (Seven Seas’ Last Caesar)

Grog for demagogues (cosmunion)

Grospeak

Groupies on the beach (heart seekers)

Gutter Gladiators (Gutter Glads)

Gynecological Endocrinologist

Heart seekers (groupies)

Heather from Hunger

Heckle (Ingrown Harry nickname)

Heidi Ho

Hero’s cap (placed on Stare Roy)

Highway Lane (Jivejello alias)

Hug-a-Thug week

Icarus Ridiculous (Jivejello alias)

Idiodyssey

Immediate Conception pilgrims

Immediate Conception Shrine/Starpointer mine

Ingrown Harry

Inner Sanctum

Interlocutor helicopters

Ipso Fatso

Iron Nick/Manfish

Jeannie Allergy

Jibe (Jivejello nickname)

Jivejello (Jimmy)

Johnny Asthma

Judiths (Checkmates who cut off Holfernes’s head)

Jumbo Lyre (J.L.)

Jumdock (The)

Katsavage (Kim)

La Niña Desperada

Lady Godiva (Coyote’s fantasy)

Leonardo da Bitchy

Lily (becomes Princess Lilith)

Lion and cub/cat/she

Lords of the Border: Coyote Conquistador, Jivejello, Ingrown Harry

Lostatusooneedsus: El Arbol Tercer (Twisted Tree), Madam Prepastero, Stare

Roy

Macho Peaches

Mad, mad Mexisex

Madam Prepastero

Mala Nueva (Miss Universe)

Malefactories

Malice and Milk (Apache Mama’s breast tattoos)

Manfish (Iron Nick and Metal Fist Lee)

Mariachis

Matador Lane (Jivejello alias)

Maud Lynn (becomes Mod Elana)

Mayor of Me Gusta Street/Putti Madras

Me Gusta Girls: La Niña Desperada, Mala Nueva, Zorrita

Me Gusta Street (Calle Me Gusta)

Metal Fist Lee/Manfish

Missing Long Guy (briefly mistaken for Jivejello)

Moapa Dace

Mod Elana (transformation of Maud Lynn)

Mongrel Healer River

Monkey

Mother Asthma

Motorcycles

Ms. Milicherry

Naked heart/Tomb of the Unknown Heart

Nero Warship

Numrod (momentarily mistaken for The Jumdock)

Ondele Lane (Jivejello alias)

Only-Indian-Not-Named-Chief

Orcus Straight

Our Lady Immortal (Virgin Mary statue)

Padre Mia (La Niña’s father)

Perversity’s Santa Claus (fanged ambulance attendant)

Peter Pandora (Jivejello alias)

Pit Stop Lane (Jivejello alias)

Pixie Bones

Plump Intention

Pontius Pie Plates

Princess Lilith (transformation of Lily)

Purveyor of hoodoo-voodoo (label attached to Reverend Cosmo Tease)

Putti Madras/Mayor of Me Gusta Street

Quads Jolene

Qualifier and Mollifier (Quali-Molly)

Rag Dog (Raggy)

Rapscallion

Retrospectacles

Reverend Cosmo Tease

San Andreas Fault

Sergeant

Seven Seas’ Last Caesar (great white shark)

Sham Tilly

Shark-nosed cruiser of the shore patrol

Sheik of Neverbe (The)

Sheikville Mall

Shimmy Changa (Zorrita assumes her identity)

Shuttle from space

Simone by the Sea

Simper Fidelis

Six-foot canary (Jivejello and Rapscallion)

Slither-hunting snake

Sluice for glory

Snide Bugler

Soledad, Soledad

Sorry Nora

Stallion (Apache Mama’s steed)

Stare Roy

Starpointer mine/Immediate Conception Shrine

Statue of Limitations

Sun Donny

Sunbad the Surfer

Sven Golly

Swasticross

Syrup Titia

Thanautopsy

Tomb of the Unknown Heart/Naked heart

Touch-and-Go Angelo

Trash god/Brother Homogenous

Twisted Tree (El Arbol Tercer)

Twyla Holyhocks

Ultimate Toolies

Unsure tourists

Vengeant Rose (The) (Jivejello manifestation)

Vicarious Vicky

Wham-bam honey man (Jivejello manifestation)

Xenmystique

Youngers and elders (Divine Intentions)

You’re I a heap (Ingrown Harry manifestation)

Zorrita (becomes Shimmy Changa)

Phase 1

They Also Surf

Who Only Stand

and Wait

In mythmaking centaurian spring,

when eternal renewal is king,

young men groom their egos,

side by side with seagulls,

where fantasy girls,

with enchanted cheeks

and songs in their feet,

parade down the beach

as they amorously seek,

along the horizon,

the annual arising

of one mystical man,

The Duke of Tan,

inevitably surfing in

with a narcissistic friend—

clever as ever can be—

The Sheik of Neverbe seen.

The Sheik,

at his peak,

surfed about a week

on a great shark’s back;

he had a ball

until a squall

forced the creature deep.

The Sheik sprang a leak

through the crowns on his teeth

and barely escaped with his smile.

In those days of plenty

before steady work

had undone so many,

some inherited,

or money ferreted,

or protruded a thumb

to stylishly bum

their adventurous ways

to where destiny plays

on the ubiquitous beach,

paradise within reach

for surfers, sunners, and freaks,

the baddest, gladdest, and saddest,

in keeping with seaside status.

Hesibounce-hesibounce-

bounce-bounce-bounce!

Quads Jolene dominated the scene.

More tactile than practical,

Quads was a goddess,

a soft sculpture

in the museum of touch,

and if round makes an earth,

she possessed impressive worlds.

Her blond hair tightly curled,

she seldom talked

but spoke volumes with her walk;

the epitome of elastic surrender,

Quads Jolene

ambitioned to be

The Duke’s legal tender.

Double takes dumbfounded

at a distance surrounded

Aurora,

who unconsciously accepted

the reach of the waves

lapping short of her feet

as natural accolades.

Having never competed

nor been in a fight,

Aurora supposed

sweet victory her right.

She set the pace

for Boring Alice,

whose brains hung down

in pigtail braids.

On beauty’s scale,

Aurora was an unreachable star—

a cerebral amoeba was Alice,

torn between tender and callous.

"Most see life

through telescopes,

microscopes, or periscopes,

but a lucky few

like you

through kaleidoscopes,

with beautiful views

effortlessly patterned

in front of you,"

intoned ill-formed Alice,

a mixture still

of worship and malice.

Bouncy and cute

with a little girl look

and upturned novitiate’s eyes,

another contender pitifully cried,

"I’m so helpless;

help me big strong guys."

Her record for faithful

was a day and a half,

but the record was bogus,

her phone had been hacked,

an infamous act

by the last

only man in her cast.

Three new candidates

in her orbit revolved,

her obedient moons,

plus two more hovering goons,

overinflated

like helium balloons.

"Oh, I’m fated, I’m fated

to be fatuinundated,"

she facetiously complained.

With more would-be climbers

than a trellis,

her name was Simper Fidelis.

Suddenly,

Syrup Titia

poured her bulk

slow and thick,

blocking any exit

Simper might have picked.

Sham Tilly self-erected

on the other side,

her face a prison wall

replete with watchtowers

and expressionless guards.

Part and parcel of the ancient art

that saves others from themselves,

these mounds of gloating goodness

had stifled more public indiscretion

than the bivouacked legions of Rome.

"Simper-r-r-r, always fetchingly cute,

but you’ve padded your suit,

or have you been eating for two?"

Clean-profiled and supple lean,

a girl with flaming hair

stepped in between.

She had a spark

arcing from head to heart

that would not let her depart

from truth that hit the mark.