Standing on His Own (New Beginnings Book II)

By Trish Edmisten

When his best friend decided to join the Army after high school graduation, there was no question Joel would join too. Best friends since kindergarten, the two of them did everything together, and this was no different. A routine mission changed their lives forever. Slade ended up paralyzed while Joel lost his leg. Joel never expected to live with one leg, but he wasn’t going to let it break him. Like he did with everything else, he adapted, and he accepted that he was never going to find love. Women might want to sleep with a war hero, but they sure as hell don’t want to live with and take care of one. That theory proves true until Courtney comes along. Beautiful, independent Courtney with her wicked sense of humor is the perfect woman for Joel. All he has to do is trust her enough to accept that he doesn’t have to stand on his own anymore.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trish Edmisten
• Release date: Jun 5, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463445334

Trish Edmisten

Author of YA and contemporary romance.

Book preview

STANDING ON HIS OWN

by

Trish Edmisten

Copyright © 2018 by Trish Edmisten

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved.

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Cover art provided by Wes Edmisten

For everyone who’s ever felt like they’ve lost something

Chapter One

The explosion that rang out was deafening, with enough force to rock the Humvee. Shouting quickly followed, drowned out by the sound of gunfire. Joel cut his eyes around, looking for his best friend who’d been sitting beside him when the bomb went off. Training told him it was an IED, likely hidden under the road and detonated when the tires of their vehicle rolled over it.

The tangy metallic scent of blood was all around him, mixing with smoke from the explosives. Shouting Joel should have been able to hear was muted and he spared a brief thought that maybe he’d been sitting too close to the bomb. Maybe he was deaf and maybe it was permanent. Maybe, but he didn’t care.

All he cared about was finding Slade. In each other’s lives since kindergarten, they were more than best friends. They were brothers. Growing up, Joel had spent more time with Slade’s family than his own. Where one went, the other followed and that included the Army.

They’d joined straight out of high school, neither feeling like they wanted to face another four years of school any more than they wanted to get jobs that would barely allow them to make ends meet. Knowing the war would send them overseas hadn’t stopped them from joining. If it hadn’t been for the Army’s buddy program keeping them together, that might not have been the case. They probably wouldn’t have signed up.

Despite everything they’d seen and done, Joel hadn’t regretted the decision. Not until this moment when he realized people used the word chaos too loosely. Chaos wasn’t barking dogs or shrieking kids or even the two mixed together. It wasn’t endless chatter of large groups of people, all intent on being heard over each other.

Repetitive gunfire. Men shouting. Smoke curling in the air. The smell of blood so thick he could taste it. A sea of camouflaged men running around him. All of it converged to create the definition of chaos.

Joel needed to move, to find Slade, but he couldn’t and he didn’t know why.

Jo.

The sound of the nickname Slade used for him reached his ears. Joel turned his head in the direction it had come from. Slade lay only a few feet away. Seeing his twisted body covered in blood, Joel feared the worst.

Joel willed his feet to move, but his body wouldn’t obey his brain’s command. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t even close the brief distance between them to keep them together in death as they’d been in life.

The desperation he felt was reflected in Slade’s eyes. Everyone else around them was moving, but he remained frozen.

They were going to die, so close yet so far from each other, and there was nothing Joel could do about it.

With a shout, Joel shot out of bed. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his fingers hurt from gripping the sheets so hard.

It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Darting his gaze around his room, he realized he was alone. Maybe that meant he hadn’t been as loud as he’d thought. When his dreams were particularly bad, and his shouts reflected that, he often woke to find Slade sitting beside him as if keeping watch.

The knock on his bedroom door quickly dispatched the notion that he’d managed to stay silent.

Jo, you awake, man? Slade called.

It might have seemed like the answer was obvious, but it wasn’t. One thing they’d both learned was that yelling did not always equal wakefulness.

Yeah. Joel’s first attempt at the word came out strangled. Clearing his throat, he tried again. Yeah.

You need me to come in?

Yeah.

Joel could have said no, and Slade would have left him alone. No hard feelings and no questions asked, but he didn’t want that. The truth was he needed his best friend. Something Slade understood better than anyone.

They didn’t have to front with each other. They had seen and done the same shit. Together, they’d survived the blast that had taken out the Humvee they had been seated in side by side; as always.

Thanks to that IED, Joel had come up one leg short. Lucky for him, his knee had been spared. At the time, he hadn’t realized how fortunate he was to keep his knee. That understanding came later when he used a prosthesis for the first time. Having his knee made managing the prosthetic leg so much easier.

Slade’s injuries were much worse. Paralyzed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair.

As much as he hated missing part of his leg, Joel would take that over being in a wheelchair. For a long time, the realization made him feel like shit. When he’d finally admitted it to Slade, his best friend had been quick to put his mind at ease, saying he would have felt the same.

Despite all the complications that came with their physical injuries, Joel would take those over the emotional ones. Post-traumatic-stress-disorder was a nasty bitch that wasn’t always content to stay hidden in the privacy of their shared apartment.

During the day, when he was awake, the PTSD was easier to manage. The triggers were a no-brainer; crowds, loud noises, action movies. That last one sucked. Before the accident, action movies had been his favorite. Since most of them were not only loud but often contained explosions, he’d been forced to give them up. At least he still had comedies, but sometimes he missed action movies.

Darkness didn’t bother him, maybe because the accident had happened in the day time. Sleep was often elusive though since it meant nightmares, or worse, night terrors.

Staring at the ceiling, Joel focused on getting his breathing under control while Slade entered the room. Though he’d only been in the chair a little over a year, Slade had become an expert at handling it. In no time, he was in bed beside Joel with the chair parked next to him.

When his buddy reached for his hand, Joel didn’t resist. There was nothing sexual in the touch. It was about needing the comfort of another human being, one who understood exactly what he was going through.

Still, Joel snorted.

What’s funny? Slade asked.

There was a note of surprise in his voice that Joel could understand, considering his reason for being in Joel’s room.

This is why neither of us will ever have a girlfriend again, Joel said, jostling their joined hands in further explanation.

Maybe, but you don’t need a girlfriend to get laid.

That was true, but Joel hadn’t had an intimate relationship with anyone other than his left hand in almost two years. The last time he’d had sex was before their last deployment. Then, the accident had happened, which was followed by months of therapy, both physical and psychological.

Physically, Joel was as recovered as he could get. In truth, he was stronger and more muscular than he’d been while he was in the service. When it came to the psychological aspect of his recovery, he was much further behind, but that was only part of what kept him from trying to find a girlfriend or even a sex partner. Granted, it was a big part, but there were still lingering doubts about his appearance.

Before he’d lost his leg, Joel had known he was good-looking. Blond hair, blue eyes, square jaw; all that shit that made people jokingly call him Captain America. Logically, that stuff hadn’t changed, but the way he saw himself had.

Besides, if Nate can get some, there might be hope for you, Slade said.

I’m not sure if that’s a fucked up thing to say or not.

Yeah, me neither, but you get what I mean.

Joel got it.

Nate Holland was an aspiring MMA fighter they’d met in the gym. Recently, they’d learned Nate was transgender.

Though he didn’t give a shit either way, Joel had been shocked by the news. To look at the guy, you’d never know he’d once been female.

A few months ago, Nate had started dating a girl named Natalie. As happy as he was for his friend, Joel was more than a little jealous. Natalie was ten types of awesome; cute and smart and she loved sports. Hell, she was about to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in sports journalism. And she not only knew Nate was trans but made no secret that she didn’t care. It was the kind of acceptance everyone wanted, Joel included

Wanna talk about it? Slade asked.

Joel didn’t need him to explain the question. While his nightmares were not always the same, they all had one recurring theme; the explosion and he and Slade being separated.

The shrink he’d seen said it was the guilt that made him dream of being separated from Slade. Guilt that he hadn’t been able to save his best friend from getting hurt. Guilt that Slade’s injuries were worse. Joel didn’t disagree, but that wasn’t the only reason his dreams were haunted. Even if they’d somehow managed to make it home injury free, there was no way he would have avoided having nightmares. Not after the things he’d seen and done.

It was the one right after the bomb went off, the one with all the blood and shouting and flying sand. I can see you, but I can’t reach you in time. Not until it’s too late and we’re both about to die.

Don’t go back there. Stay with me, Jo.

The words, accompanied with a strong squeeze of Slade’s fingers, were enough to pull him back.

Joel took a shaky breath. Fuck, I hate this shit.

You and me both, Slade admitted. Too bad we’re not gay.

Say what? Joel turned his head to frown at his best friend.

Think about it. If we were gay, we’d be the perfect couple. Both of us are fucked up so we could deal with each other’s issues.

Um, Slade, you know I love you, but you’re not my type, man.

You’re not my type either. Slade let out an evil chuckle. Your dick’s too small.

Fuck you.

Haven’t you been listening? We’re not going there.

That’s probably for the best. You couldn’t handle the heat I’m packing.

Slade snorted. Whatever, dude.

Joel wasn’t one to brag, but his dick was decent. He wasn’t hung like a porn star or anything, but he was a nice, thick eight inches. Something he knew from having measured it, which every guy had done at least once whether he wanted to admit it or not. Not to mention, he hadn’t received any complaints from the handful of girls who’d sampled the goods.

I’ve thought about it you know, Slade said.

Thought about what? My dick?

No dumb ass, but I have thought about dating a guy.

Joel furrowed his brow. Dude, are you coming out to me?

I used to be straight. Not sure what I am now.

What do you mean? Are you attracted to guys?

No, but it doesn’t really matter.

Yeah, actually it does. Being attracted to guys is pretty much the definition of being gay, which helps if you’re gonna date guys.

It’s not like it would matter since I can’t…

There was tightness in Slade’s voice before the words trailed off. Given how much his best friend hated any kind of pity, Joel was grateful it was too dark for him to see the expression Joel probably had on his face.

Even though he hadn’t had sex in two years, at least he still could. Slade wasn’t so lucky. Keeping an erection without pharmaceutical help wasn’t going to happen.

I hate to tell you this, but if you think guys are gonna be easier to deal with than girls, you’re wrong. Guys are horny twenty-four seven.

Yeah, I know, and even though I know no one could probably deal with all my issues, it would be nice to have someone, you know.

Joel couldn’t argue with that. He’d been thinking about it more and more since finding out Nate was trans and Natalie didn’t care. They were living proof that everyone had a perfect match out there somewhere.

Maybe I should join an online dating service for the asexual, Slade said. If I found a nice ace girl, I wouldn’t have to worry about sex.

Maybe you should just stop worrying so hard, and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to, Joel suggested.

Maybe.

The word was filled with doubt.

Besides, you shouldn’t have to settle for someone you’re not even interested in because you think you don’t deserve any better.

Isn’t that what people say when they can’t get a date? ‘I’m not alone. I’m just not willing to settle.’

Joel couldn’t deny it, and didn’t that suck?

Okay, look, I’ll make you a deal, Joel said. If you haven’t found a girl in the next year, I’ll let you suck my dick, and if I like it enough, we can date.

And when you say the next year, do you mean the next twelve months or by the end of the calendar year? Because that makes a difference since it’s almost October.

Dude!

Relax, I’m kidding. Even if I was thinking of switching teams, I couldn’t date you. We’re practically related.

Joel wasn’t even insulted by that. They were brothers in every way except by blood.

I was kidding anyway, and it worked didn’t it?

What do you mean?

You’re not thinking about your nightmare anymore, are you?

No but thanks for putting a new one in my head, man. Now, I’m gonna have horrible dreams about you giving me a sloppy BJ.

Nah, I’d make sure it wasn’t sloppy, baby, Slade said, blowing him a kiss.

Mother fucker, stop, Joel said, but he still laughed along with Slade.

As much as he hated the shit show both of their lives had turned in to, he was grateful they had each other to get through it.

Chapter Two

How’s the wedding plans going?

Courtney cringed at the mention of the word wedding. Until her sister had announced she was getting married, Courtney had liked weddings. And even though it was far into the future, she’d looked forward to her own.

Now, thanks to her bridezilla of a sister, hearing the word wedding was enough to make Courtney want to tear her hair out. Well, maybe not tear her hair out since she really liked her hair, but something equally bad.

Sabrina gave her a sympathetic smile. That bad, huh?

It’s so much worse. Courtney rolled her eyes. Yesterday, she threatened to fire the wedding planner for not knowing the difference between light blue and baby blue.

Aren’t they the same thing?

Apparently not.

Huh, who knew?

I know right.

I wonder what it is about weddings that make perfectly reasonable women turn in to raging lunatics.

I’m not sure Mona was ever reasonable.

True, we are talking about the same woman who thinks the disabled shouldn’t have handicapped parking spaces if they want to be treated like everyone else.

Courtney grimaced at the reminder. As much as she loved Mona, there was no denying she was a bit shallow. While she’d never seen her sister treat anyone badly for being different, she sure didn’t go out of her way to befriend people that weren’t up to her standards. Courtney was convinced it was part of the whole cheerleader mentality.

For two people who came from the same parents, she and Mona couldn’t be more different in their interests as well as their personalities. Their appearances on the other hand were strikingly similar, both with long blonde hair and hazel eyes that had the exact same shape.

If it wasn’t for their faces, and the fact that they both looked just like their mother, no one would have guessed they were sisters.

Mona had been a cheerleader from elementary school all the way through college, and of course she’d been in a sorority too. Along with that, she’d been involved in student council and leadership.

Then there was Courtney who loved things like art and reading. Ever since she’d picked up her first pencil, Courtney had been hooked. Drawing gave her everything from an escape when she was stressed to a sense of hope when she realized she’d been born with a tangible ability to make the world a better place.

You know, hearing about… Sabrina’s words suddenly trailed off as she caught sight of something across the room. Da-yum.

Even before she turned her head over her shoulder, Courtney knew what she would see. Sure enough, it was him. The reason Sabrina always suggested they hang out at Catch My Drip. Keith, the super cute barrister, had just entered the shop and was sauntering toward the back.

From the moment Sabrina had spotted him, she’d been hooked. Keith wasn’t Courtney’s type, but she could see the appeal. Tall and lean, he sported light brown hair that he kept in a short cut and matching brown eyes. He also had a nice smile that transformed his whole face from ordinary to borderline gorgeous.

Sabrina waited until he was out of sight before she turned her attention back to Courtney, a goofy smile on her face. I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave.

You should just ask him out.

This from the girl who spent our whole high school life obsessed with Jay Olsen and never even spoke to him.

That’s not true. I spoke to him once.

Sabrina snorted. Saying you’re welcome after he thanked you for loaning him a pencil doesn’t count.

Of course it does. It means I spoke to him, which you said I didn’t.

Fine, you spoke to him, but it wasn’t about anything important.

Yes, it was. He could have asked anyone for a pencil, but he asked me.

You’re hopeless. Sabrina laughed.

Hopeless was the perfect word to describe her high school crush. Despite how much shit Courtney gave her sister for her popularity, that hadn’t stopped her from the occasional bouts of envy at Mona’s full social life. Nor had it stopped her from falling for one of the most popular guys in school. That popularity being the reason he’d never spoken to her beyond the one time he’d asked to borrow a pencil.

Since they weren’t friends, it was no surprise she hadn’t seen him since high school graduation. Last she’d heard, he’d gone off to some college in Georgia or Texas or some southern state.

Anyway, hearing about your sister sucking the soul out of her wedding planner makes me glad I never wanted to be a wedding planner, Sabrina said, picking up where she’d left off before being distracted by Keith.

Courtney nodded. I hear that.

How are you surviving the maid of honor thing?

"By agreeing with everything