What to Do When I'm Gone: A Mother's Wisdom to Her Daughter

By Suzy Hopkins and Hallie Bateman

A mother's advice to her daughter--a guide to daily living, both practical and sublime--with full-color illustrations throughout.

One sleepless night while she was in her early twenties, illustrator/writer Hallie Bateman had a painful realization: her mom would die, and after she died she would be gone. The prospect was devastating, and also scary--how would she navigate the world without the person who gave her life? She thought about all the motherly advice she would miss--advice that could help her through the challenges to come, including the ordeal of losing a parent.

The next day, Hallie asked her mother, writer Suzy Hopkins, to record step-by-step instructions for her to follow in the event of her mom's death. The list began: "Pour yourself a stiff glass of whiskey and make some fajitas" and continued from there, walking Hallie through the days, months, and years of life after loss, with motherly guidance and support, addressing issues great and small--from choosing a life partner to baking a quiche. The project became a way for mother and daughter to connect with humor, openness, and gratitude. It led to this book.

Combining Suzy's wit and heartfelt advice with Hallie's quirky and colorful style, What to Do When I'm Gone is the illustrated instruction manual for getting through life without one's mom. It's also a poignant look at loss, love, and taking things one moment at a time. By turns whimsical, funny, touching, and above all pragmatic, it will leave readers laughing and teary-eyed. And it will spur conversations that enrich family members' understanding of one another.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
• Release date: Apr 3, 2018
• ISBN: 9781632869708

Book preview

This book is dedicated to our moms.

Also by Hallie Bateman

Brave New Work:

A Journal to Help You Unleash

Your Inner Artist

Love Voltaire Us Apart:

A Philosopher’s Guide to Relationships

(illustrator)

If Our Bodies Could Talk

(illustrator)

Contents

Introduction

DAY 1: Make fajitas

DAY 2: Let people in

DAY 3: Brush the dog

DAY 4: Write my obituary

DAY 5: Clean your house

DAY 6: Visit an all-night diner

DAY 7: Bury me

DAY 8: Go Rollerblading

DAY 12: See a blockbuster movie

DAY 15: Bake brownies

DAY 17: Smile and nod

DAY 18: Throw something

DAY 21: Take a hike

DAY 26: Allow me to explain the stuff you found while cleaning out my house

DAY 45: Say thank you

DAY 76: Breathe in

DAY 110: Create a new holiday tradition

DAY 144: Bake a pecan pie

DAY 170: Jump on the trampoline

DAY 231: Celebrate your birthday

DAY 285: Buy a great pair of shoes

DAY 320: Stop doing stuff you hate to do

DAY 365: Make chicken and dumplings

DAY 400: Replace me

DAY 450: Look in the mirror and see yourself the way I saw you

DAY 500: Take a bath

DAY 550: Make a decision

DAY 600: Get some perspective

DAY 650: Cure your heartbreak with curry

DAY 700: Raise the volume

DAY 750: Eat chocolate

DAY 850: Talk to me

DAY 900: Look up

DAY 950: Make chili

DAY 1,000: Take a risk

DAY 1,500: Have kids

DAY 1,775: Do drugs

DAY 1,800: Sing the lullaby I used to sing to you

DAY 1,900: Make amends

DAY 2,000: Enjoy this dream

DAY 2,500: Suffer

DAY 3,000: Talk to your kids about death

DAY 3,500: Make beauty

DAY 4,000: Think of me unexpectedly

DAY 4,500: Pinch yourself

DAY 5,000: Go to work

DAY 5,500: Ask questions

DAY 6,000: Make a quiche

DAY 7,000: Prioritize

DAY 8,000: Redefine happiness

DAY 9,000: Sharpen your pencil

DAY 10,000: Take a field trip

DAY 11,000: Climb out of a rut

DAY 12,000: Watch a funny movie

DAY 13,000: Step lively

DAY 14,000: Make a duck-it list

DAY 15,000: Drop a crutch

DAY 17,000: Get a cane

DAY 18,000: Show compassion

DAY 20,000: Plan your dream death

A Note on the Author and the Illustrator

Acknowledgments

Introduction

When I was a kid and fears of death came to me in the night, I’d wake up my mom and she would console me.

Am I going to die?

Yes, but not for a long, long, long time.

Are you going to die?

Yes, but not for a long, long time.

As I got older, death entered our casual family discourse. Over dinner, we would engage in the burial-vs.-cremation debate, or my mom would issue one of her decrees: If I ever become a drooling mess, just shoot me. As with most things, joking about death was our way of acknowledging its inevitable presence. We spoke about it in the light of day so that when we faced it later, alone,

Reviews for What to Do When I'm Gone

[heatherlinc · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Many readers are giving this book five stars on other review sites, but unfortunately, it just didn’t resonate with me. Essentially, it’s an advice handbook from a dying mother to her daughter. I was expecting a deeply emotional and impactful read, something that would leave me in tears and make me feel like I could hear my own mother's voice in the writing, but that wasn’t the case. I also hoped to finish the book with some new wisdom and a sense of comfort, but "What To Do When I'm Gone" felt shallow and cliched. While I do think it had potential, I found it to be mediocre at best. That said, I do hope other readers, especially those who have lost their own mothers, find the comfort I was looking for in its pages.

[villemezbrown · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I'm not big on inspirational and self-help books, but I stumbled across this one because I thought it was a graphic novel. It is generously illustrated on each page by the author's daughter and has a few word balloons scattered throughout, but it is mostly told in small blocks of typeset text.

I found myself surprised by how much the mother's advice to her daughter aligned with what I would probably tell my own daughter. And it was pretty humorous throughout despite the heavy concept. Though it maybe didn't need so many recipes.

[noblechicken · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A delightful graphic novel about grief, a personal "to-do" list from a mother to a daughter in the event that she passes away. All of these daily suggestions could apply to any parent to their child, or anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. It's funny, poignant and helpful. The book also brilliantly prepares the child (as they get older) to cope and prepare for their own end of life at the same time as grieving those who have gone before. Recommended.