Santiago Tales

By Terry Tumbler

A group of retired people decide to embark on a pilgrimage to Santiago, in Northern Spain, under the leadership of an ex-detective and a few nefarious friends. The problem is that a number of them are not exactly devotees of any particular religion, and are doing it because they think it’s a fun thing to do while seeking entertainment and companionship on their journey of discovery.
Each evening, one person in the group is committed to telling a short story, and it is this collection of stories that forms the core of the book, whilst in the background tensions are brewing between various factions in the group that eventually lead to divine retribution. The inspiration for the style of presentation came from Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer, but without delving too deeply into the poetry associated with the original masterpiece.
The material in the individual stories varies from the raunchy to the bawdy and from the hilarious to the sad, being based more often than not on actual experiences.
The style of writing is fully intended to be humorous, and should appeal to those who enjoy a good belly laugh.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terry Tumbler
• Release date: Nov 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370406777

Terry Tumbler

I retired in 2004 and am now living with my wife in Spain, amongst the Spanish. For over 30 years I was in the computer industry, some of which were with IBM before I got itchy feet. Afterward, I worked as an Organisation & Methods specialist before moving into mainstream computing and becoming involved in installation, management, analysis and programming. I took up writing at an advanced age simply because I had the time and energy to do so.A keen blogger, especially recently on Brexit related politics, and equally importantly on outlandish matters associated with my area of creativity in writing. My exhaustive research on UFO reported incidents is for authenticity, with the results reflected primarily in my books.

Book preview

Copyright

‘Santiago Tales’ Copyright © 2014, by the author using the pseudonym Terry Tumbler.

This book is based satirically on themes within Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. It also uses some characters similar to those in books written by Lewis Carroll.

No resemblance is intended to any real person, living or dead.

All rights are reserved. No part of this document or the related files may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author.

For an alternative view of the camino, see also

http://francistapon.com/Travels/Spain-Trails/10-Reasons-Why-El-Camino-Santiago-Sucks

www.terrytumbler.com

www.terrytumbler.blogspot.com

Vsn AP4

Dedication

Deepest thanks are extended to my patient and lovely wife, who helped me with the preparation of this book.

Titles

If anyone cares to read all the books written by the same author, the suggested sequence is:

Seb Cage Begins His Adventures – where Terry Tumbler’s grandsons come to stay with him and his wife on the Costa Blanca, for the entire summer vacation.

During this period, the elder grandson, Seb, has a number of futuristic adventures when he joins a summer campus run by a mysterious organization called The Sombrella Syndicate.

Series: The Dreadnought Collective Book 1

The Inlooker – where a unique character, Thomas Beckon, realizes his paranormal talents to change the nature of society in Great Britain. Thereafter, as a power broker, he helps to shape mankind in its future development.

Series: The Dreadnought Collective Book 2

The Time Slipsters – A group of friends take a trip together in the near future. They will travel on the latest type of flying bus. Unwittingly, they are entering a world where time travel is a reality, and soon embark on a tour like nothing they could have imagined. Some have a hidden agenda, as is apparent upon arrival at a secret location.

Series: The Dreadnought Collective Book 3

The Deaduction Agency − witness at first-hand a group of specialist investigators, as they set up and run a new agency, dedicated to the resolution of criminal cases using paranormal assistance. This will be a new and emerging brand of policing, designed to protect our citizens.

Series: The Dreadnought Collective Book 4

The Sightseers Agency − the first recruit joins the new Sightseers Agency. He is a remote viewer and participant in the resolution of events threatening world security. Both his fledgling agency and that of The Deaduction Agency belong to The Dreadnought Collective.

Series: The Dreadnought Collective Book 5

Future World Rocks! − where the past meets the future, as two German scientists steal die Glocke, ‘The Bell’ and take it time traveling. New settlers arrive from another galaxy and settle in, while revealing the existence of previously unknown beings hiding in the depths of the planet. Also found are slave laborers on the moon, who us humans feel duty bound to help.

This is a space opera set to rock music!

Series: Carousels of Life Book 1

For those who may be more than remotely interested in his upbringing, the author’s childhood behavior is recounted in a mildly fictionalized autobiographical work called:

The Rough & Tumbles Of Early Years

The author himself subsequently regarded this as a potentially valuable compendium of incidents, which could be serialized in the same vein as Just William. Originally, it was prepared for the benefit of his family, who would otherwise have known nothing about his outrageous childhood behavior

Series: A Wonderfully Wacky World Book 1

Santiago Tales – where the irascible Tumbler, based loosely on the author’s personality, organizes a trip for himself and his cronies to travel to the sacred city of Santiago de Compostela, following parts of the St James Camino, in Northern Spain.

En route, as well as swapping stories in the same vein as those published in Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer, they endure interesting encounters themselves.

Conceptually, this is a semi-fictional book within a travelogue.

Series: A Wonderfully Wacky World Book 2

CONTENTS

Copyright

Dedication

Titles

CONTENTS

A Brief Introduction

§  1:  The Printer’s Apple

§  2:  North To Alaska

§  3:  Home Cooked Paella

§  4:  When I Die

§  5:  Two Mad Tea Parties

§  6:  The Belated Marriage

§  7:  Celebrating Christmas Locally

§  8:  The Coach Journey

§  9:  The Two Brothers

§ 10:  The Spanish Neighbours

§ 11:  Independence Day

§ 12:  The Chinese Hustlers

§ 13:  The Compliant Wife

§ 14:  Beauty And The Beast

§ 15:  An Attempt At Redemption

§ 16:  Santiago Beckons

§ 17:  Seb Cage’s Adventure

A Brief Conclusion

A Brief Introduction

This series of stories is intended for an audience that is not of a prudish disposition, and whose members are above the age where they have to ask others for the meaning of certain long words, which are not necessarily offensive in their nature.

Inspiration for the structure and contents of this book is drawn from The Canterbury Tales, which was written in the fourteenth century by the great poet Geoffrey Chaucer, who achieved the distinction for his published work of being interred in the Poet’s Corner of Saint Paul’s Cathedral, in London, England. Presumably, this recognition was bestowed after his death, on a date that is not exactly known.

This author wishes to bring to your attention a series of facts about the original contents of The Canterbury Tales:

-  Many of the stories are so long that they could not possibly have been narrated in the time available, after a day spent walking or riding in varying terrain and temperamental weather, and the eternal need for food, drink, minimal personal hygiene, ablutions and sleep;

-  No worthwhile mention is made of any of the overnight stops before the destination is reached;

-  Some of the stories are fittingly crude, which made them unacceptable in the eyes of many of the academic establishment.

Regrettably, the author selected scholars whose ability to translate the original Canterbury Tales from middle into modern English was not up to the challenge. They lost the original poetic style, and this was partially blamed on the phonetic spelling that was predominant in the middle Ages. Consequently, he felt that he had to rely on the sterling work done by John Dryden in the late seventeenth century, and on the final conversion into modern English by Nevill Coghill.

Unashamedly, he also feels a natural entitlement to present the collection of stories in this book using the British version of English. After all, this reflects the upbringing and background of each story teller.

He would also like to emphasise that, where poetry is used in so few of the stories, it has been written using techniques that slavishly follow those translated into modern English by Nevill Coghill. Regretfully, little space has been devoted to publishing in this style of presentation, purely because of its perceived unpopularity, and the author regrets this, having developed a fondness for it.

Finally, he wishes to point out to any would-be cantankerous reviewer or academic that the majority of the stories in this book intentionally bear no relationship whatsoever to the trades or professions of the individuals narrating them, and often have only the flimsiest of associations to past events in their lives. This is no different to the proclaimed rich variety of tales written by Chaucer in the original Canterbury Tales.

Pure and simple though they are,

These tales you may read from afar.

If you care not for the wit,

I could not really give a whit

(In Middle English it was thus writ).

Whilst the pleasure was all mine,

The loss will be entirely thine.

The Quest Begins

At the start of one dark evening in the depth of winter, as the sun was setting yet again over crisis-ridden mainland Spain, the following draft notice was being prepared with the intention of publishing it in the English language versions of the local magazines:

To whom it may concern,

A retired gentleman seeks companions of a similar age to accompany him on a voyage of inner discovery. They must have time on their hands, but not necessarily much time in which to enjoy what is left of their lives. A period of at least two weeks is envisaged, to indulge themselves in a sedate stagger from the Spanish side of the border with France to the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela, in the quest for peace within themselves and with their fellow pilgrims.

In view of the nature of this earnest enterprise, those who apply to join our convivial group are expected to be in rough health, but not necessarily the best of it, and be capable of walking a maximum of twelve kilometres each day, until they have accomplished at least one hundred kilometres.

This opportunity is open to members of both sexes, provided the ladies segregate themselves into a separate group of pilgrims. This requirement is not negotiable, owing to the need for each male participant to behave in a natural manner, and exchange banter of a bawdy nature with his fellow travellers. There is one further condition: each male pilgrim is required to narrate at least one story during his pilgrimage, after the evening meal, in the comfort of a hotel. The ladies may wish to indulge themselves in a separate pursuit, such as knitting or crochet, but that is of no real interest to the organisers. However, they will be invited to join the gentlemen at their meal tables, provided they depart immediately afterwards.

Those who only suffer from minor health problems, or are single members of the weaker sex, can also apply provided they are willing to service the needs of the main body of walkers, by accompanying them in a mini-bus and confirming the reservations, in advance, at each nightly stop. The only other proviso is that at least two of them must attend a first aid course at their local Red Cross station, to accommodate those who incur any injuries during the journey and are in need of attention.

Costs will be shared on a commercial basis.

Those who remain interested in this outing are invited to submit handwritten applications and birth certificates to:

Box No 22b,

Oficina de Correos,

26 Plaça Nova, 

03110 Mutxamel,

Costa Blanca, España.

Ace retired detective Terry Tumbler sucked at his imitation cigarette, studied the notice in some depth, and said to his constant companion, What’d you think of that, eh, Twatson? That’ll sort the wheat from the chaff!

"Oh Grumbler, I do wish you’d stop calling me that! replied his friend, Doctor Watson, who was beginning to feel that the friendship might be better if it were regarded as short-term. Are you certain it will attract the sort of people that we want, or actually deter them?"

It can’t fail! It’s immaculately worded, and straight to the point, as far as I can see. We’ll give it another week in the local press, and then extend our campaign to the Costa del Sol, if nothing happens after that. I’d prefer to keep it in the immediate area if we can; it makes for less complication.

Taking a second look, the venereal doctor asked, "And what’s with the Box No 22b?"

"Elementary, my dear er… Watson! The ‘22’ is my box number at the Correo, and the ‘b’ will help me identify the replies to this neatly worded notice," Tumbler replied with a smirk, spitting a large flake of loose, imitation tobacco into the roaring fire; this responded by hurling it back from its dying embers at a rate worthy of a guided missile.

The worthy detective instinctively ducked, allowing it to soar overhead, trailing smoke like a meteorite; suddenly, it changed direction and descended towards his television, where it splattered dead centre of the flat-screen, before tunnelling into it. Tumbler rushed over to check the damage, realising that the display was now missing a few diodes.

Ignoring this chain of unfortunate events, Watson persevered, When are you going to tell these wannabe pilgrims that you are dedicated atheists and agnostics? It’s a bit rich, isn’t it, giving them the impression that you and your mates are devout Christians!

"I hope you include yourself as my mate, er… Watson. We’re a real team, we are, and no mistake." Tumbler was somewhat preoccupied, estimating how many months would have to elapse before he could afford to buy another TV, without missing any income from his obscenely large public sector pension.

Doctor John Watson, who had allegedly bought a doctorate in applied poetry from the forty-eighth graded university in the UK, as listed in the Guardian newspaper, looked at him with distaste. John was a slim, handsome retired gentleman with good dress sense who had first met Terry Tumbler in a run-down English bar in Mutxamel on the Costa Blanca.

Earnestly, he had listened to this slightly portly, extrovert person extol his virtues as a successful detective in the Metropolitan Police in London, where he claimed to have an exemplary record in arresting prominent criminals.

Terry was standing at the end of a group of three square tables that had been dragged together for a group of equally old men, who were happily gulping down litre glasses of chilled lager as they listened to his tales of accomplishment. It was a shabby-looking establishment, the floor of which was covered in fag ends and what looked like straw covering ragged linoleum. It was nearly empty now, most of the customers having departed hurriedly after Terry had declared his previous occupation. Terry had invited John to join his group, after seeing him sitting forlornly on his own.

This became a regular venue for him, and he realised after a few weeks that Terry regularly regurgitated the same old stories time after time, unless one or more of the other members in the group reminded him that he was repeating himself. It therefore presented John with the opportunity to present some of his own material and he became as much of a fixture as Terry, by acting as their pub poet. Similarities between himself and the ace detective acting as a twosome were soon drawn, comparing them with Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick, Doctor Watson; hence the rude banter coming from Terry Tumbler.

Terry was vain enough to sincerely fancy himself as something of an all-round ace detective, and he had adopted Conan Doyle’s Victorian style of writing when clumsily drafting the aforementioned advertisement. In reality, he was indeed a bit of a male sexist pig, but to what extent was yet to be determined, since he could unexpectedly perform acts that demonstrated innate compassion and sensitivity, like privately paying the meal costs of those couples who were manifestly worse-off than everyone else, on group outings. He was a puzzle yet to be resolved, that was for sure, but he possessed a dogged nature that backed up his assertion that he had once truly been a successful detective.

John might have agreed to help review the stories and prefix them with poetical introductions, but the prospect of being cooped up for two weeks (hopefully less) with the garrulous ace detective was beginning to gnaw at his vitals.

Looking harder at the wording of his carefully crafted notice, Terry Tumbler rubbed his stubbled chin and asked, You don’t think it sounds a trifle pompous, do you, Doctor Twitson?

Dr Watson replied, "Since you mention it, don’t you think that your mention of women in that tone is a bit sexist in this day and age? I mean, what sort of response do you think you’re going to get by expecting them to service the needs of the main body of walkers? Or by dismissing their presence by saying they can get on with the knitting or crocheting? They are human beings as well, you know, with their own expectations of a good time!"

The ace detective looked taken aback by this reply. Good lord Watson, I hadn’t thought about it! Perhaps I should rephrase my advert to cater for their sensitivities. Let’s work on it together, shall we?

And so, the planning continued…

A Plan Is Put In Place

Terry and John were pleasantly surprised by the number of applications they had received to join them in their pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela.

Right, let’s choose an intended start date and itinerary for this pilgrimage, Terry said briskly. "I fancy the end of June or thereabouts, lasting for a duration of sixteen days. Now, I have in my hands a copy of the splendid itinerary submitted by my preferred tour operator, Santiago Pathways. Read this extract:"s

What is included:

Pre-departure information

Experienced guides to accompany the group

Support vehicle

All ground transportation to and from fixed points of departure, and from the start of the pilgrimage in León to the finish in Santiago de Compostela.

The Pilgrim's Passport, daily maps and descriptions of the sections to be walked.

Day 1 – Origin /León

Arrive in León. We'll begin with a visit to some of the most emblematic points in the city, such as the cathedral and the Basilica de San Isidoro, an elegantly compact and solid example of the Spanish Romanesque.

Day 2 – León - Villadangos del Páramo (21.8 kms)

As with many of the other villages that we will encounter along the Camino Francés, this little village owed its former prestige to the Camino's existence. Our halt here puts us within a day's walk of the ancient Roman city of Astorga, our destination for tomorrow.

Day 3 – Villadangos del Páramo – Astorga (27.1 kms)

Asturica Augustus was an important communications hub for the Romans and the most important city of this region of Spain, known as the Maragatería. We will enjoy a relaxed dinner in the restored city centre and attend Mass in the cathedral.

Day 4 –Astorga - Rabanal del Camino (20.7 kms)

Today we journey through the plains of Castile and León and enter the mountains of León. The monks who live here discovered their vocation on the Camino de Santiago and were later granted permission by their abbot to found a new monastery on the route to attend to the spiritual needs of pilgrims. Tonight we will have a hearty supper in one of the local bars.

Day 5 – Rabanal del camino –Molinaseca (33 kms)

Our day's journey begins with a walk to the semi-abandoned village of Foncebadón and, just beyond it, to the Cruz de Ferro (Iron Cross), one of the contemporary Camino's most emblematic points and the highest point on the Camino (1,500 meters, or 4,921 (feet). Afterwards, our descent of the mountain takes us to Molinaseca, a lovely riverside village.

Day 6 – Molinaseca - Cacabelos (23.5 kms)

This morning we enter Ponferrada, capital of the El Bierzo region of Spain. Its name derives from its bridge which stretches over the River Sil. It was the home to the Templar Knights, sworn to the protection of pilgrims travelling the Way of St. James. Their imposing castle still stands, and has become the emblem of the city. Stay overnight at Cacabelos.

Day 7 – Cacabelos – Villafranca del Bierzo ( 7.2 kms) or Vega de Valcarce)

Today’s journey will be short. Villafranca del Bierzo has always offered the pilgrims wonderful hospitality and an advantageous point from which to begin the next day's ascent to O Cebreiro.

Day 8 – Villafranca del Bierzo - O Cebreiro (30.3 kms)

Today's destination is one of the most memorable along the entire Camino. With its stunning vistas of the valleys below from 1300 metres up, the ancient pallozas (pre-Roman stone dwellings built by the Celts of the region)… few places along the Camino are as enchanting as O Cebreiro!

Day 9 – O Cebreiro - Triacastela (Samos) (20.4 kms)

The lush valleys and rolling green hills of Galicia, Spain's Celtic region, bear more than a little resemblance to Ireland. Nestled in a tranquil valley, our destination today is Triacastela, founded in the 9th century following the reconquest of this the area from the Muslims. Today nothing remains of the three castles that gave the village its name.

Day 10 – Triacastela ( Samos) - Sarria (21.5kms)

Our journey today ends in Sarria, the site of an ancient Roman settlement that was repopulated in the 8th century by Bishop Odoario of Lugo. It is an excellent place to rest and enjoy the wonderful seafood offered in one of the many taverns on the promenade along the banks of the river.

Day 11 – Sarria - Portomarín (21.6kms)

Just before Portomarín today we pass the 100 kilometer mark on the Camino, the minimum point from which anyone travelling to Santiago must walk in order to receive the Compostela.

The Portomarín in which we will sleep tonight is not the Portomarín that pilgrims in the Middle Ages knew; that one lies below the waters of the reservoir we see in the valley below.

Día 12 –Portomarin - Palas do Rei (24.5kms)

Palas de Rei, is a friendly and welcoming place, and it's where we'll make our halt today.

The town's name (Palace of the King) derives from a legend that says that the Visigothic king Witiza built the town's palace. Just as it was in the Middle Ages, the village is surrounded by numerous small farming villages.

Day 13 – Palas de Rei -Arzúa (28.7 kms)

Our journey today ends at the little village of Arzúa, famous for its cheeses. A cheese festival is held here every year in March. En route we'll pass through the bustling small town of Melide, once an important intersection in the Roman Via Traiana and the northern roads descending from the Cantabrian coast.

Day 14 – Arzúa - Lavacolla (28.8 kms)

Our journey today ends in Lavacolla, a tiny village only 10 kilometers (6.2 miles) from our goal, and well positioned so that we may make an early entrance into Santiago tomorrow morning.

Day 15 – Lavacolla - Santiago de Compostela (10.3kms)

We will reach Santiago de Compostela well before the 12.00 Pilgrim's Mass in the cathedral. If we are lucky, the gigantic botafumeiro censer will be used during the Mass. Afterwards we will head over to the Pilgrim's Office to receive our Compostelas.Overnight stop at a quiet hotel in the old quarter.

Day 16 – departure from Santiago de Compostela

You will have up to a couple of hours free to explore the city, relax, shop for souvenirs and pray in the cathedral. Afterwards, you will depart by coach to your original pick-up points.

The total is 319.4 kilometres. Does that sound doable to you, my old fruit?

John replied doubtfully, saying Er, perhaps yes, provided everyone can keep up! Remember, many of us are in our seventies, so…

Ah, I have a plan! Terry said. "We’ll have a minibus hovering in the neighbourhood as we progress, ready to pick up strays who have fallen by the wayside, as well as transport the weaker of both sexes who accompany us, and we’ll have a proper guide walking with us to point out the attractions en route."

Terry asked him, Could you cross-check with me who wants to come? John looked at his list and passed across the details. So far they had,

Brett, a retired Salesman, accompanied by

Susan, his wife;

Billy, a retired Engineer, with

Bessie, his wife;

James Tuck, a single, retired ‘gentle man’, at least, that’s how he describes himself; I’ve met him already, and he seems to be a jovial, inoffensive character;

Graham, a retired soldier, with

Norma, his wife;

Jon, a retired garage workshop owner, with

Barbara, his wife;

John, a computer contractor, who’s coming on his own;

Syd, a retired Air-conditioning engineering, accompanied by

Maggie, his wife, a retired cook;

Mick, a retired lorry driver, with

Janis, his wife;

Ted, a retired publican, with

Von, his wife, also in the trade;

Wilf Right-Angle, a retired printer, accompanied by

Prissy, his wife; whose maiden name was originally Angle, hence the double-barrelled name that he adopted. Funny man he is;

Vic, a retired paramedic he could be useful with

Jane, his wife, who still works for the Red Cross;

Last but not least, we have our illustrious selves, namely,

Terry Tumbler, retired detective, with

Sandra, his long suffering wife, and myself,

Dr John Watson PhD, retired librarian and current poet, tasked with recording the stories told en route.

Terry rubbed his hands together and proclaimed, That’s fine! I’ve got a few more names in the melting pot, if we need them, but if you could now match the list to the submitted letters of application and send copies off to this shortlist of competing travel agents, he handed John three replies he had received from interested agents, and we’ll see what they come up with.

That’s unfair, you’ve hardly done anything! John protested. I thought that you were going to handle the arrangements personally!

You know what think did, snorted Terry. It’s my trip too, and I want to enjoy it without having to cluck like Mother Goose over her brood. Besides, using professionals means I get the chance of having a substantial reduction for myself, plus they can do all the donkey work.

John shook his head in resignation. Okay, I’ll get the paperwork and contact details together and contact them. He had to admit that there was a lot of sense in getting someone else to handle arrangements and ensure that money was paid on time.

Fine, said Terry, with a satisfied smile, while John intended ensuring that he personally would benefit from any discount he negotiated. Of course, Terry had suspected this would happen, and in his own way had prompted it.

Within a week, those hoping to join the pilgrimage found themselves dealing with a third party called Santiago Pathways, Terry’s preferred operator, who provided glossy brochures extolling the priceless (in reality, ‘pricey’) value of their guided walks on the, ‘Caminos Francés a Santiago de Compostela’, a detailed itinerary for the sixteen day walking-holiday, (or fourteen days if you exclude the optional extra two night hotel stays that Terry had added to the start and end of the vacation), confirmation of hotel bookings and a reasonably hefty bill for an all-in deal.

The reaction of some of the lucky recipients was a sharp intake of breath, followed by a distinctly unchristian oath and exclamation along the lines, Well, it’s that or the bloody cruise she wanted to go on! Being cooped up on a plague ship with three thousand other inmates was not everyone’s idea of Heaven.

Graham the old soldier, had wanted to leave his dearly beloved at home, rather than pay the cost of dragging her along to keep tabs on him. He’d just gained membership of Mensa, the institute for the intellectually gifted, and was buggered if he was going to meet her costs as well, having only recently found out that he could add up.

However, his wife Norma was having none of this nonsense. She