Four in the Morning

By Phillipa Mitchell

She never expected things to end the way they did.

To the outside world, Claudia Stevenson is living the dream. The perfect home, a beautiful family and a successful career all hide the nightmare that is going on behind closed doors. Trapped in an emotionally turbulent, verbally abusive marriage, Claudia yearns to escape.

When Alex reappears in her life after seventeen years, Claudia is faced with a choice: Does she run while she can, or does she stay?   Her decision leads her on a dangerous path where, in a tragic twist of circumstances, she finds herself watching her life spiral out of control.  

Based on actual events (fictionalised to protect identities), Four in the Morning is a story of love, tragedy, forgiveness and redemption. It is a powerful personal documentation of unshared truths, dedicated to a family whose lives were left shattered in the aftermath of events that will never be fully understood.

Readers have fallen in love with Four in the Morning

"I got so lost in the beautiful manner the author uses to weave her tale as she paints a picture of her pain and torment followed by a show of amazing strength of human spirit, that at times I felt I was living this story myself..." ~ Gregg Davies, Audio book narrator ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"The reading is so rich. There are just too many moments to single out any one. She communicates to the heart of the reader with what I call 'word pictures'. Sensory richness in its purest form." ~ Deborah du Plooy, Skoobs Theatre of Books ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"I loved the story. It trapped me into a reality world full of the complexities of the human experience..." ~ Sonia Pietropaolo ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"Thank you for giving me something in your story which resonated with mine, forced me to face my own realities, and helped me in ways you will probably never know..." ~ C Grice ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"An incredibly brave confessional memoir in which the author confronts her demons head on in an effort to find forgiveness from the family she unwittingly ruined, and an elusive sense of inner peace." ~ Paula Gruben, Author of Umbilicus ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"This story has relevance to all people attempting to find meaningful unions. It exposes the pain of loss, the agony of guilt and the depth of crushing disappointment that some peoples' spirits are required to recover from if they are to survive. I am sure that this book will resonate with many who have weathered the battleground that romantic partnerships can become." ~ Sarah Key, Author of Tangled Weeds, The Dandelion Clock, The Butterfly Wind, and The Starlight Tide ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"I have heard so many people say, 'I picked up this book and couldn't put it down'... I left a get together yesterday and said I have a book I want to start reading... Well I put it on my sister's night stand this morning and said,"This is a must read!" I honestly did not put it down! Brilliant read, is all I can say!" ~ Verna Van Rensburg ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"I finished your book and was so moved. I have to admit I was crying copiously at the end. But it is ultimately a book of triumph and healing and I can't tell you how moved I was. It was beautifully written and moved to a climax that was quite riveting. I salute you!" ~ Teresa Weinfas ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

• Language: English
• Publisher: Phillipa Mitchell
• Release date: Sep 16, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386362487

Phillipa Mitchell

Phillipa Mitchell was born to British parents in South Africa in December 1972. Besides being an author, she is an accomplished writer, ghostwriter, editor and entrepreneur and has worked in the bookselling and publishing industry for over two decades. Her passion as a writer and ghostwriter is working on non-fiction material including autobiographies, business and inspirational books. She has raised two fine young men who are her pride and joy, and, thanks to their good genes, are both exceptionally talented in the creative arts. She is a child of Africa and is passionate about its people, its culture and its magic. Four in the Morning is her first published work.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

She woke from her sleep with her heart pounding in her chest and her eyes darting wildly around the room. She could still hear his voice in her head.

I’ll never take you back! he hissed down the phone. I’ll never take you back.

A click. And then silence.

This was the last time they would speak.

A few weeks earlier

Were we once?

She let her eyes take in the words as she felt a tremble down her spine and her heart skip a beat. It had been seventeen years. She was a grown woman, married with two children. She was running a successful business, living in a beautiful home and, to the outside world, she had the perfect life.

Not knowing what the message itself contained, she slowly pointed her mouse over the words, clicked, and held her breath.

Hi Claudia! Are you currently married? I am trying to remember your maiden name. Do you, by any chance, remember me? Regards, Alex

A year earlier

Sometimes, in the depths of one’s despair, a knight in shining armour comes along, sweeps us up off the dusty earth, and carries us away from the life we were desperate to leave behind. Over a period of time, grateful for being rescued and unsure of the place to which this all might lead, a person may become shrouded with feelings of guilt in return for the kindness that was shown, the reasons for which will be explained shortly.

Loneliness and lovelessness is a terrible place to be. Claudia and Gareth had been married for twelve rather platonic years. He never ceased reminding her of how he had been there for her all those years ago and that if it were not for him and his family, she would have never amounted to much. Claudia truly believed that he was right and always acknowledged the debt that she owed him, even though she did not know how she was ever going to be able to repay him. As the years melted away, she struggled to love him. She wondered sometimes whether she had ever really been in love with him or whether the love that existed between them was more obligatory from her side. Love on extended credit terms, as if he’d been a love loan shark of sorts.

He was depressed and took a sadistic pleasure in bringing her bright soul down with him. His scathing tongue and judgemental nature often left her reeling. Her soul shrank as he demeaned her and criticised her in front of his family and her friends. How could a man who professed to love her so much speak to her as if she meant nothing to him? She would watch movies where two people would connect on such a deep level that they were virtually inseparable. She watched as couples would hug each other and kiss each other, not out of any form of marital obligation but from a place of absolute love. Sadly, Claudia realised that what she had with Gareth was not love, and yet she longed to experience this with every fibre of her being.

Eighteen months earlier

The human spirit is a funny thing. When it feels undernourished, it eventually tires of the depravity and goes off in search of sustenance. Sometimes, it is actively sought out; other times, it invites itself in unannounced.

A deep friendship had formed between the two women, both of whom were unconsciously seeking a way out of the mundaneness of their loveless marriages. It began with their two young children, who had formed a bond at school, culminating in numerous social invitations, which often continued late into the evenings.

Their time spent together was often one of each woman unburdening her soul, each seeking a deeper meaning in their stories. Denise had been repeatedly molested by her stepfather as a young girl, and he was serving time in prison for murdering her mother in cold blood. He had walked in on Denise’s mother and a lover briefly after their separation and, in a blinding rage, had returned to his car to retrieve his pistol and turned it on both of them. Denise’s mother was wrenched from her life, and she was left to put the shattered pieces of her life back together.

The deep friendship soon became more than that. The two women felt as if their souls were intertwined, and each began experiencing feelings towards the other that went far beyond the boundaries of friendship.

It was New Year’s Eve. Denise, her husband and their children were spending the night at Claudia and Gareth’s holiday home at a dam out in the countryside. The revelry continued late into the night as the house party became a street party, and copious amounts of intoxicating liquids were consumed.

Gareth had left the party and was spying on a set of neighbours who were performing carnal acts behind semi-closed curtains. Denise and Claudia had, with their arms around each other’s waists, teetered up the street, holding each other up, giggling uncontrollably. Denise’s husband had passed out in one of the outside chairs, and they quietly crept past him. Closing the door, they both fell on to the bed in the master suite, whispering and reminiscing about the evening’s events. The chatter soon quietened, and the two women found themselves locked in each other’s embrace. They stared into each other’s eyes, both knowing that they were on the brink of crossing into forbidden territory, while the fuzziness of inebriation removed the usual boundaries of inhibition.

Breathing quickened, and hands snaked around the other’s body, each craving the contact of the other one’s skin. Lips parted and touched, and soon, the two women were completely lost in each other, each feeling the relief of the longing that they had both kept at arm’s length from each other for what seemed like an excruciating amount of time.

Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open and glaring at the two women from the shadows stood Gareth, his eyes wild with hurt and anger.

I knew it, he seethed. I knew that there was something going on between the two of you!

The words shot through Claudia’s heart, and suddenly, a deep sense of sobriety came over her. Denise hurriedly straightened her clothes and stumbled off the bed, apologising as she pushed past Gareth in the doorway.

It’s not what you think, Gareth, Claudia pleaded, suddenly realising what it must have looked like through her husband’s eyes and feeling secretly relieved that it had not gone any further than it did. With tears running uncontrollably down her face and mascara streaking across her cheekbones, wishing the world would swallow her up, she reeled as Gareth yelled at her to leave the room. Claudia stood in the passageway, feeling the floors and the walls vibrate as he slammed the bedroom door behind her. It was then that she knew that her life had changed its course and that when the sun rose, friendships would need to be reassessed, and a marriage would need to be rebuilt.

Yet when the sun’s golden fingers reached through the gaps in the curtains and played with the curls of hair that fell across her face, Claudia awoke, not with a gripping sense of fear in her heart, but rather a sense of peace. Peace at having opened her soul up to another human being, someone who loved her unconditionally, someone who got her, someone who made her feel that she was worthy and not some dismal failure with an almost suffocating debt that hung over her head like a sword.

She rose from the sofa and slowly tiptoed towards the bedroom where Denise and her husband were still fast asleep, Denise’s husband oblivious to what had happened within metres of where he had been sleeping the previous evening. She looked down at her friend, wondering how she would feel when she awoke and how they would plan their way forward, each knowing that so much had been said and yet so much had been left unsaid while an even deeper connection had been forged between the two women.

Claudia walked over to the master bedroom, the door still shut. She grasped the cold metal handle and turned it. It clicked, but the door was locked. She suddenly felt the fear welling up from her stomach and wrapping its icy fingers around her throat. She felt as if she was a prisoner, a trespasser, even though she was on the other side of the cell. Breathing in slowly through her teeth and feeling the skin on her neck prickle with dread and trepidation, she made a fist and quietly knocked on the door.

Gareth, she whispered. Gareth, are you awake? Please open the door.

At first, there was silence, but then she heard movement behind the door and then the key turning in the lock. The door slowly opened, and Gareth stood there, staring at her with a look of disappointment and disbelief in his eyes.

I don’t know what you want me to say to you, he said quietly under his breath. I don’t know what to say.

Claudia felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she realised the enormity of what he had witnessed the night before.

Can I come in? Can we just talk this through? I need you to hear me out, she whispered, worried about waking Denise and her husband in the room next door.

Gareth stepped back to allow Claudia to walk past him. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her face cupped in her hands.

We were drunk, she said as he stood against the closed door, looking down at her. I don’t even know how it happened – it all happened so fast. I thought we were going to lie down and pass out after everything we’d had to drink. I didn’t know where you were. I wasn’t even thinking about you because I knew you’d probably gone and joined another party.

What the hell were you thinking? he whispered loudly. We’re married, and we have two children – are you ready to just throw everything away? For her? What about us?

Claudia sat staring blankly at the floor, her body completely numb, thoughts rushing through her head but being unable to hold on to even just one of them.

Gareth, there’s no love left between us, she whispered, her voice trembling. "Even though I am still coming to terms with what happened last night, I know that none of this would have happened if we’d just worked through our stuff when we had the chance. I love you, but I’m no longer in love with you. You can’t give me the love that I need, but I’ve found that love in Denise. I love her so much, so much that my heart aches. And yet, I have such a deep sense of responsibility towards you and the boys. I can’t let our marriage go, but I can’t let her go either. I just need some time to work things out. I know I’ve hurt you, and I know it’s going to take time for you to forgive me, but I feel as if we’ve reached a turning point in our marriage, and we’ve got to figure out how we can fix this – if we can even begin to fix this."

Gareth slumped against the wall and sighed.

Okay, he said. I really love you, and I don’t want to lose you, but I am confused, and I don’t know how to make room for a third person in our relationship. Does Denise feel the same? What about her kids and her marriage?

I don’t know, Claudia said, wiping the tears away from her eyes. Everything just seems so complicated. We haven’t spoken since last night, so I don’t even know what she’s thinking or feeling or whether she even remembers what happened.

Gareth straightened his body against the wall and opened the bedroom door. Look, I really don’t know what to do right now. Let’s just try to get through the day. We can try to work this out once they’re gone. I’m going to make coffee.

He turned and left the room, and Claudia lifted her head and stared at herself in the dressing table mirror. Twenty-four hours ago, everything had been so different.

Morning! she heard Denise’s voice calling through the doorway. You sleep well, my friend?

Claudia looked up at Denise and smiled. Yeah, and you?

Denise laughed and went on to explain in great detail that their bed had been attacked by an army of ants and that she thought they had carried her out of the bed during the night.

How are you feeling after last night? Claudia asked, desperately trying to figure out whether last night had even happened in her friend’s eyes.

Oh, a bit of a headache, but I’ll be okay, she smiled. Where’s Gareth?

Making coffee, said Claudia, He’s in a bit of a bad space this morning, so just be careful when you go through, okay?

Denise’s eyes widened, and then she smiled. Don’t worry, I’ll go and talk to him. Everything will be alright.

Claudia suddenly felt empty. How was it possible that something that had meant everything to her had meant so little to Denise? She was practically skirting around the subject as if nothing had happened. Confused and sad, she got up and took a long shower, letting the water wash away her hopes and fantasies and dreams of happiness. She felt like a complete idiot.

Sometimes, the Universe plays tricks on us – mind games designed to make us reassess our perceived realities. Sometimes those tricks are unfair and taunting, like bullies on a playground, spinning around like a merry-go-round, chasing and teasing and cruelly laughing; and sometimes they are like rose-tinted lenses, making things appear to be in a state of blissful perfection for a period of time, only to be shattered by a word, or a look, or a thought, or a deed.

In Claudia’s case, it was the sight of Denise’s car driving off down the road later that day, windows open and children’s hands waving out the back windows. A feeling of emptiness crept into her soul like a thick cloud of fog over a dusty township on a winter’s morning.

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After a few days of stilted conversation, Claudia decided that she could no longer stand the gaping cavern that had opened up between her and Denise. She picked up the telephone and asked that they meet – sooner rather than later.

It was a wintery day, but they sat outside under the weak rays of winter sunlight. Finally, Claudia could say everything she’d been holding on to.

Denise, she started, biting her lower lip nervously. How much of what happened on New Year’s Eve do you remember? I’m not talking about the party, though – I’m talking about what happened between you and me when Gareth walked in on us.

Denise sighed and crossed her arms.

Look, Claudia, she said uneasily. I remember what happened. It’s a bit hazy, but I remember enough. I love you, my friend, so much, but we’ve got to pretend this never happened. I can’t wreck the life I’ve worked so hard to build for my family just for the sake of my own selfish needs. God, I would do anything for it to just be the two of us together. We understand each other. We’re soul mates. I’ve never connected with anyone like I’ve connected with you. But no, this chapter needs to be closed. It never happened, okay?

It was with those words that Claudia’s world shattered and tinkled to the floor in a million little pieces. She felt a gust of wind blowing around her feet and watched the pieces drift off into the sky like tiny dandelions, and she knew in that moment that she had no choice but to bring her focus back to Gareth and find a way, any possible way, to dig deep into her heart and soul and reconnect with her husband. It was either that, or she was going to have to make her own way in the world, just her and the children. She had always said that she’d rather be alone and happy than in a relationship where she’d lost all sense of who she was and where she was going. And in truth, it was the latter rather than the former that rang true for her right then.

CHAPTER 2

Seventeen Years Earlier

The great enigma of life is its circle of often unintended beginnings and incongruent endings that, over time, loop around into new and yet completely unforeseen beginnings and endings. Circumstances that flow backwards and forwards like waves in the ocean, sometimes gentle and serene but other times tumultuous and unsettling as they crash into the shoreline like an angry fist pummels a table.

Occasionally a restless and impatient current will pull you backwards away from safety, sucking you into a dark abyss of swirling water while you scramble for safety as sharp rocks and seaweed pull away from under your desperate grip as you are washed further and further away from the shore.

Claudia found herself walking into the sea of her life, scrunching the sand under her toes and allowing the gentle tide to pull the straws of sand out from under her feet.

For seventeen years, Claudia’s diary had remained tucked away in the back of a cupboard like a time capsule waiting to be reopened. It was her diary from her final year of school, a time when she had documented a period in her life when she had met a shy young man with stars in his eyes who captured her heart and her soul and sent her on an emotional rollercoaster of undiscovered truths and painful reckonings.

The relationship ended as quickly as it had begun as Claudia walked away from Alex with a chasmal hole in her heart. Their lives had been crushed by the merciless hand of Fate, who had decided that the timing for their souls to be together hadn’t been quite right.

But a new script was being written to bring them together again.

As one year flowed into another, Claudia would often come across her diary and secretly open it up to travel back in time. She would find herself catching her breath as she saw his name written in her handwriting on those yellowing pages. How she longed to see him again…

Claudia’s sister Elizabeth – who was eleven years younger than her – had been begging Claudia to sign up for the 2007‘s latest craze: Facebook.

Claudia was in her early thirties, and even though she was proud of being an early adopter, she really didn’t see what all the fuss was about, thinking that it was more of a social spot for teens than a hangout for old friends and lovers, and had put off signing up for some time.

Eventually, however, she conceded to the relentless demands of her over-enthusiastic sister, and before she knew it, she had her own profile and was signing up to interest groups and hunting down old friends.

She joined the group for her high school, wondered for a moment whether Alex had perhaps signed up, searched for a few minutes, found nothing, and moved on.

She didn’t think for one second that he’d been searching for her for all this time until one day, out of the blue, she read his message in her Inbox.

It was a message she had been waiting half her life for.

It began with the words, Were we once?…

Her heart was pounding in her chest. Her pulse was racing, her inner tide was rising, and she wasn’t sure whether she should swim for shore or let it take her out to sea. Her fingers trembled above the keyboard. She held her breath as she clicked through to his profile.

And there he was. Her boy. Her childhood sweetheart. How had she missed him when she searched for him before? Oh, it was his middle name, she realised; he had used his full name on his profile.

Alex Rhys Winterton

She took his name in, one word at a time.

She scoured his profile for clues about his life. Was he married? Did he have children? Where in the world had he ended up?

She went back to his message.

Reply. Click.

She started typing…

29 July, 9:45 am

Claudia Stevenson

Alex, of course, I remember you! It feels so surreal typing to you right now after all these years.

Yes, I am married, as I see you are, too. I’ve been married to Gareth for twelve years now, and we share two children, both boys. Ross is six years old, and Kyle is eleven.

It really is amazing reconnecting with you again. I’ve often wondered how you are