The Way We Go

By Roxie Prince

WINNER OF THE GO INDIE NOW! EXCELLENCE IN LITERATURE SEPTEMBER 2016 AWARD.

 

Lindsay Picou is sixteen going on thirty. She's been forced to not only take care of herself but to raise her little sister, too, because their mother, Gloria, is a part-time prostitute and a full-time wanderer.

 

Then, Gloria meets Ben. He not only changes her life for the better but Lindsay's, too.

 

These changes come with a set of challenges Lindsay isn't equipped for; she has to learn to be a student, a friend, and a daughter. In short, she has to learn how to be herself in a completely new world, and she is forced to learn things about the people in her life that both hurt and free her.

 

Just when she starts to feel like she's getting a handle on things, she meets Micah, Ben's best friend, and things get a lot more complicated.

 

***THIS EDITION CONTAINS AN EXCERPT FROM THE WAY WE GO'S COMPANION NOVEL, GROWTH SPURT.****

• Language: English
• Publisher: Roxie Prince
• Release date: Nov 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781386923503

Roxie Prince

ABOUT ROXIE PRINCE Roxie is a creative soul who turns her life into stories, poetry, and art. She was born HIV+ and was orphaned by AIDS at the age of 10. She tells a story of survival through her works. Her first publication, COMPENDIUM: A Horror Novelette, is available as an e-book download now for all e-readers and as a paperback available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, and other major online retailers. Her first full-length, young adult novel, The Way We Go, a tale of growing up, friendship, hope, and young love is available NOW! Growth Spurt, the companion novel to The Way We Go, picks back up with Katie Sterling and her friends as they turn thirteen and enter the confusing era in which they are unsure whether to start growing up or to cling tightly to their childhoods. The girls have a lot of growing up to do; whether they do it together or not is what they'll have to decide. It releases January 1, 2016. Roxie is also working on compiling a collection of poetry about growing up and living with HIV to accompany her memoirs. She is a self-taught artist who currently works through the digital medium to create pieces that speak to her. Her style is ever-evolving. Her art prints are available through her Society6 page. Join her on her journey.

Book preview

1

LINDSAY BEGGED HER STOMACH NOT to rumble as she looked out the window and onto the streets fifteen floors below. Vehicles on the ground looked like Matchbox cars and people were barely visible. They reminded her of an ant colony. Where did all these people have to go? What did they have to do? Did they have anyone to go home to, or would they return to silent houses to eat meals alone and fall asleep in empty beds? Did they have homes to go to, or were they like Lindsay, who felt she was wandering through her life, completely out of control? Maybe it was all just a matter of perspective — perspective Lindsay did not have, and thus could not understand.

Then her stomach rumbled again, and she was brought back to her immediate reality. She didn't have the luxury of pondering matters of perspective. The vending machine candy bar she’d split with her sister, Katie, for lunch had not satisfied her then, and it certainly wasn’t satisfying her now as she watched the sun sink lower and lower behind the high-rise buildings surrounding them. She knew Katie had to be starving, too, but she was a good sport. Both of them were veterans of growling tummies. They had to be with their lives. With their mother.

The sisters had not seen her in over twenty-four hours, and though this was a relatively normal occurrence, Lindsay couldn’t help but grow anxious for her to show up. She'd ran out of money buying the candy bar, and she’d gotten a call from the front desk; it was time for them to check out of their room.

Katie sat watching television on the queen-sized bed they’d shared for the last four weeks. A commercial for fast food hamburgers came on, and Katie subconsciously put her hand over her belly. It made Lindsay both terribly sad and very angry — sad that her sweet, quiet, little sister had to live this way, and furious that their mother was the cause.

Their stay in this particular hotel had been a nice one. Well, nicer than anywhere they had stayed for a long time. A month prior, they were staying in a roach infested, pay-by-the-hour, dump. Somewhere you wouldn't be surprised to hear gunshots ring out in the middle of the night, or see exchanges of goods between both prostitute and john, or junkie and dealer. They were there until one afternoon when Lindsay sat with Katie, practicing her reading skills, because neither girl went to school anymore. Their mother entered the room and threw a wad of cash on the bed.

We're getting the hell out of here, girls, she said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She smelled like gin and cigarettes, and Lindsay didn't want to know where she'd been in that skirt and bustier. She had a run in her black stockings, and for some reason that made Lindsay feel the worst of all.

Neither girl asked where the money came from. They never did. They learned to stop asking questions a long time ago. Well, at least Lindsay did. Lindsay suspected Katie just thought this was the normal way of life, and that made Lindsay's stomach twist in knots.

Dirty money or not, it got them through, day by day, whether Lindsay liked it or not, so it was best not to ask questions.

Where the hell are you, Gloria? Lindsay thought as she turned back to the window. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d called her mother anything other than her given name. Katie still called her Mom, but Lindsay couldn't, because calling her that would be a sign of respect, and Lindsay didn’t respect her mother; not in the slightest.

She had no idea where they were going to go if Gloria didn’t show up soon. The hotel staff had been understanding, letting them stay for an extra two hours, when she lied stating she and Katie were waiting for their mom to get off work, but it was nearing the end of those two hours. She didn’t think they’d be so understanding for a second time.

None of the other places they’d stayed had ever been.

Loitering in the lobby of the hotel was out of the question, she knew, so her only hope was that Gloria would return any minute now.

She’ll be here, Katie said, reading her sister’s thoughts. She was six years younger, but it didn’t take a genius to know what Lindsay was thinking at any given moment; it was always about their mother and about protecting Katie. Lindsay never thought about herself like most sixteen-year-old girls. Katie appreciated she had at least one person in the world who cared about her, but she wished her sister were able to be normal. She wished she could be normal, too.

Lindsay was wrong about Katie's ability to understand their life. She knew theirs wasn't normal; she watched enough television and saw enough through her classmates in the limited time she'd been in school to learn most kids didn't live like they did. Most kids had real houses, with at least one parent who took care of them, and they went to school. That was normal. Katie just knew not to show she knew it because it would make Lindsay worry, and she did enough of that already. Katie was small, but she wanted to carry as much of the burden as possible. You grow up fast when you're like Katie and Lindsay.

Yeah, she will. She has to be, Lindsay replied. Don’t worry; it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

Katie nodded her head, but she wasn’t sure if Lindsay was reassuring her or herself.

Just as Lindsay was turning back to the view outside the window, the door to their room burst open, and her mother and a strange man entered. The girls barely noticed the man’s presence; they were used to seeing stragglers her mother dragged back, like an alley cat, to their front door.

Where the hell have you been? Lindsay shouted, her pale face growing crimson. We were supposed to check out two hours ago. What would Katie and I have done if we’d been kicked out on the street, Gloria?

Oh, calm down, Lindsay. Jeez, I’m just a little late. It’s not the end of the world, her mother responded, her arm locked with the strange man. He held her up as she stumbled onto the bed and pulled off her stilettos. Locks of her glossy black hair fell across her face, and Lindsay couldn’t help but notice how beautiful her mother was and think how it had been a curse rather than a blessing.

Her beauty had gotten her many things in life, but it had also taken from her. Men took advantage of her – including both of the girls' fathers, who disappeared long before the girls were old enough to remember their faces.

Through Lindsay's eyes and all she knew of her mother, all Gloria ever wanted was the love of a good man, but she could never tell the difference between it and abuse. As the years wore on and Gloria’s beauty slowly began to fade, she became a shell of someone she couldn’t recognize. It seemed it was easier for Gloria to live her life running than face what it had become.

Whatever. I don’t care what your excuse is this time. We have to go, so get your shit, and let’s get out of here, Lindsay said, grabbing the duffle bag that contained all of her possessions in the world. Katie began collecting her things, too.

Watch your mouth in front of our guest, Gloria said to Lindsay, while gazing at the man on her arm and pulling her hair over one shoulder in a suggestive way. Her bra strap fell onto her upper arm, but she didn’t seem to notice.

I’m sure he’s heard far worse than that in his life, Lindsay snapped, glancing at the man through her eyelashes. He wasn’t bad looking, surprisingly, compared to the other men her mother brought around, but Lindsay was sure he was a scumbag, regardless. Gloria didn’t attract anything else.

Um, I’m Ben. Let me help you ladies get checked out, he said. His eyes were a dark brown, nearly black, and he had a large dimple in the center of his chin. He smiled sheepishly at Lindsay. He had kind eyes and a soft face that confused her, for it was so different from any other vagabond Gloria had brought home before. For a brief moment, she thought about smiling back, but decided against it. She didn’t owe him anything.

It's nice to finally meet you, Lindsay. Your mom has talked a lot about you, he said, trying to be friendly. He extended a light brown hand with buffed and manicured nails for her to shake, but she ignored it.

"Over the last twenty-four hours? I'm sure she has. I'm sure she's told you all about us," Lindsay snapped, rolling her eyes.

Actually, we've been getting to know one another for about three weeks now, he replied. I work in the hotel, and I have spent many wonderful hours with your mother getting to know her and the both of you.

What? You're the bartender? Because I know that's the only place you'd find Gloria willing to be chatty, Lindsay said. She glanced over to Katie, and Katie shrugged her shoulders. She was much more likely to be trusting than Lindsay.

Not quite, was his terse response.

Where are we going this time? Katie asked as she swiped a piece of white-blonde hair out of her face. Katie must have gotten her hair from her barely remembered father, because both Lindsay and Gloria’s hair was jet black. The first time Lindsay saw Katie with all that white hair, she thought she was a tiny angel God had sent just for her, and in a lot of ways she was. She was the only good thing in Lindsay's life. Her heart felt like it could burst with how much she loved her sister.

We're going to Ben's house, girls. Isn't that nice of him? Gloria said, enveloping the man in an embrace. For a split second, Lindsay saw his face contort into one of mild disgust. She wasn’t sure why, but it endeared the stranger to her, just a little bit, despite her distrustful nature. Besides, no other man Gloria had ever brought around invited them to stay with him. Gloria, sure, but not two tag-along daughters. Ben was either a creep or a genuinely nice guy, but which?

He saw her watching and grinned knowingly at her.

She told me about your living situation, and I didn't think it was fair to you girls. You should be somewhere nice, stable, and where you can go to school. I've come to really like your mother and want to know you all better.

How old are you?

Twenty-seven.

Lindsay laughed and said, You know how old she is, right? She expected Gloria to say something smart in response, but she didn’t. She was too occupied with snuggling up to him despite his apparent reluctance to do so in front of the girls.

Yes, I know exactly how old she is, Ben said and smiled again. It really was a nice smile, like one you'd see on a teacher in one of those heartfelt teenage dramas on television.

Yeah, whatever. C'mon Katie, let's go, she said, flashing him an ice-cold glare in an attempt to stay steadfast in her opinion of him, though it was already slightly faltering.

I can't let three beautiful ladies be put out on the street, now can I? My house is big and lonely and would do well to have a woman's touch. Or three, he said, dodging a sloppy and mislaid kiss on his chin from Gloria.

Yeah, sure. You're a real hero, Lindsay said as she wrapped her arm around Katie's shoulders and ushered her out of the room. This time, when Ben caught her eye, she couldn't help but smile just a little bit.

2

AS IT TURNED OUT, BEN wasn't a hotel employee after all. He owned the hotel. In fact, he owned several hotels all over the country. His father founded a successful hotel chain in the seventies, and passed the business down to Ben. He hadn't only inherited the family business; he'd inherited the family business sense, too. What started out as a hotel chain throughout the state of Texas had grown into a hotel chain throughout the entire continental United States under Ben's management.

His house was like something Lindsay had only seen on television. She'd spent her entire life living in rented rooms and, if they were lucky, short-term apartments, so when they pulled into a winding driveway in front of a forty-four hundred square foot home with sloping roofs, two car porches, and a front-facing veranda, she could hardly breathe. The house held four bedrooms, a library, two living rooms, a home theater area, a large kitchen with an island in the middle and a pot rack hanging from the ceiling above it, and a formal dining room. How could one person use so many rooms? Ben was right; his place was big and lonely.

The girls looked around in awe. Katie was obviously excited about staying there, but Lindsay, as always, kept herself guarded. Surely this time would be no different than any other time she'd allowed herself to get comfortable somewhere — just as soon as she did, Gloria would find some reason to leave. Clearly Gloria had done something to put a spell on Ben (and Lindsay didn't need many guesses to figure out what that was), but she was sure it wouldn't be long before its effects wore off and he realized how crazy it was to invite a strange lady and her two kids to move into his fabulous house.

Gloria gushed over the house as they entered.

Oh my God, Ben. This place. You did not tell me it was this gorgeous. Oh my God! she exclaimed, gripping his arm and pulling him around the foyer. Her stilettos clicked on the hardwood floor. Look at that chandelier, girls. Have you ever seen anything so pretty in all of your life?

No, Mom, I haven't, Katie said, in awe of the sparkling crystal reflecting off her saucer-like eyes. Lindsay didn't know how to feel, watching her sister. She wanted so much to let Katie revel in any and all small moments of joy in her life since they were so few and far between, but she feared setting her up too high to fall too far. Isn't it pretty, Linds?

Yeah, it is, Katie, Lindsay said, with a terse smile to her sister. She felt Ben looking at her, and without meaning to, she met his gaze. He nodded to her, and she looked away. Where are we staying?

Sure, let me show you, and then we'll see about getting something to eat. I'll bet y’all are starving, Ben said.

Oh, yes. I'm so hungry, Katie said, her voice reminded Lindsay of the chirping of a baby bird.

He escorted Lindsay and Katie upstairs to their rooms with Gloria following and oohing and aahing over everything they passed. Lindsay felt embarrassed by her in a way she never had before, but she just added it to the list and followed Ben upstairs and down a hallway.

Ben opened a white door with a bronze handle to reveal a bedroom the size of the hotel room they'd just left. It was decorated all in white, with lace curtains, and a fluffy down comforter on the bed. It looked clean and pristine and welcoming.

Here you are, Katie. I hope this is okay, Ben said.

This is really my room? We don't have to share? Katie asked, her eyes sparkling and her cheeks flushed with excitement. She looked around at the queen sized bed, dresser with a thirty-seven inch television on top, bedside table, and bay window with a window seat, perfect for reading or drawing by. Lindsay could see her being very happy there, which filled her with a confusing mix of happiness, anger, and fear for the future.

Yep. All yours! And you can decorate it however you want. Just let me know of anything you want, and I'll see to it that you get it, okay? Ben said, smiling. Lindsay wanted to believe him, to trust him, but she couldn't.

Don't get too comfortable, Katie. We won't be here very long, Lindsay said. She couldn't help but try to keep her sister from getting her hopes up — to keep herself from getting her hopes up. She could see a shadow of pain cross over both Ben and Katie's faces, but she steeled herself against it. It was the truth, as painful as it was to hear.

They left Katie alone to get used to her room, and Ben and Gloria took Lindsay down the hall to hers. It was furnished much the same as Katie's, but it was bigger and had an attached bathroom and a small balcony overlooking the backyard. In the backyard Lindsay was not surprised to see a pool and hot tub. This house had everything.

I wanted you to be comfortable, so I made sure to give you your own bathroom, Lindsay, Ben said. I know how important it is for a girl your age to have privacy. The closet is a walk-in, too, so you should have plenty of room for your clothes and things.

Yeah, sure. Thanks, she said, looking down at the single duffle bag that contained all of her earthly possessions.

And like I told Katie, please let me know of anything you want to make this place your own. I want you to feel at home here, okay? Really, Ben said, smiling genuinely at her. His dark eyes, shaded by bushy black brows, were tender and gentle.

She wanted to hate this guy. She wanted to distrust him and blame him for all the misdeeds of the men before him, but something about him made it impossible. Something about him was different. But she wasn't ready to let her guard down yet.

Okay. Thank you, Ben. Really. Now leave me alone, she said, moving to close the door.

All right. I'm going to order a couple of pizzas. Call you when they're here? he asked with a chuckle and backed out of the room, his hand on her mother's waist.

Gloria knew Lindsay well enough not to push her, so she stood silently watching her daughter. She hoped she saw the kind of man Ben was and would eventually warm up to him, but she wasn’t sure. Lindsay could be a hard, cold girl, and Gloria knew it was her fault. Maybe things could be different now. Maybe she could make it right.

Lindsay shut the door to her bedroom, closing herself off from them both and sealing herself in her new cocoon. Her bedroom. What a crazy concept when just a few hours before she feared she might be sleeping under an overpass that night.

She set her duffle bag down on the bed. She debated unpacking at all; odds were they'd be leaving tomorrow morning anyway. Whether it was because she wanted to believe the dream so badly, or because she wanted so much to trust Ben's gentle eyes, she began unpacking her belongings.

She gingerly folded all of her socks and underwear and laid out all of her jeans and t-shirts on the bed. She walked over to the closet door and opened it. It was big enough to be a bedroom unto itself. There were cubby shelves along the back wall and along the sides were rows to hang clothes. She couldn't imagine ever having enough clothes to fill up something like this, and even after placing all of her stuff inside, it felt empty. It made her feel small, so she closed the closet door and turned around to the rest of the room.

She placed the few books she had (for reading had long been an escape from her tumultuous life), mostly mysteries and novels in the Scarpetta Series by Patricia Cornwell, in the bookshelf along the far wall. Lindsay dreamed about one day being like Dr. Kay Scarpetta — a strong, powerful, no-nonsense woman who took no shit from any man and solved murder cases while wearing a gun on her belt. She wasn't sure yet if she wanted to be a medical examiner like Dr. Scarpetta, a computer genius like Lucy, or a smart aleck detective like Marino, but she imagined all three. As things stood, a smart aleck detective would probably be the best fit because the thought of cutting open a dead body grossed her out, and she barely knew how to use Google, let alone hack into mainframes and all that nonsense. Also, Marino was secretly her favorite, even if she told herself she read the novels for female empowerment. All she knew for sure was that she wanted to be strong and powerful and in control of her own life, whatever position she may be in. She hoped, when she was all grown up, she would be. Being a kid was unfair; you controlled nothing about your own life.

Then she took her toiletries into the bathroom.

Wow, she thought. It was beautiful. There was a Jacuzzi tub, deep and wide enough for her to go swimming in, and a sink with a mirror that reached all the way to the ceiling surrounded by round bulbs you see around the make-up tables in an actress' trailer. The lighting was so bright and so white she felt exposed, but she liked it. It made her feel girly and pretty, and that was a new feeling for Lindsay. She never took the time to care about her appearance; she had much more important things to think about.

Lindsay knew she wasn't an ugly girl. She favored her mother, and her mother had been and in many ways still was a great beauty, but Lindsay never took the time to see herself. Maybe now, if this living arrangement worked out, she could devote some time to. Maybe she could really be a normal teenager.

I wish, she thought as she smoothed her thick, black hair down and tucked it behind her ears before turning off the bathroom light and closing the door behind her. Wish in one hand, shit in the other...

3

THREE WEEKS LATER, BOTH GIRLS started school. Ben insisted they attend the private academy he'd gone to; it was one of the best in the state. Before they could start classes, they had to take an aptitude test to see where they fell, and the results weren't good.

Lindsay was supposed to be a junior in high school, but her skill set was more that of a freshman, making the first day at Spencer Academy terrifying. Spencer Academy taught all grades in separate buildings. At least Katie would be nearby should they need to make a break for it.

Entering the main building for the first time, holding Katie's hand, probably more for her own comfort than Katie's, Lindsay felt entirely out of place. Sure they were going to stick her in classes with kids at least two years younger than her, if not more, she took a deep breath.

Accompanied by Ben and Gloria, the girls met with the headmistress.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Kramer. I'm so glad to see you, Benjamin. How are you and your family doing?

Wonderful, thank you, ma'am, Ben said, shaking her hand. This is Gloria, and these are her girls, Lindsay and Katie.

So nice to meet you both, Mrs. Kramer said. She was middle-aged, but attractive. She wore her dirty blonde hair in a short bob with