The Song of Jonas

By Jake Hansen

Jonas is just a sixteen-year-old humanoid farmer and doesn't know anything about flying atomic space chariots or about being one of the Saviors of Earth. He just wants to join the priest academy and play Boingo Ball.

But when he encounters a strange hermit and a beautiful human priestess from far away he is forced to face such existential questions as he wonders if this is real, or if he's going crazy, or if his whole world is about to end.

Thankfully, a great godlike-being finds him just in time to help him face an evil tyrant that has invaded his home village and is bent on killing him, as well as destroying the sacred city of Heliopolis. To make matters worse, this nearly unstoppable tyrant just so happens to be the skeleton god of the Underworld, Khapre-Tum.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jake Hansen
• Release date: Apr 2, 2017
• ISBN: 9780997903423

Jake Hansen

Jake incarnated on Earth in the year 1980, shortly after the eruption of Mt. St. Helens warned the planet of his impending arrival. He grew up in the eighties and nineties and so was shaped and molded by comic books, Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, Pee Wee Herman, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to name just a few things.He enjoyed skiing and basketball during those early and innocent days. He always loved writing papers in High School, especially ones about movies. He didn’t take up fiction writing until he was a senior at the University of Washington about to finish his Bachelor’s Degree in Biology. During the following period, a trial by multiple, repeated failures, he struggled to put anything noteworthy down on a page. It was a long and torturous journey to mastering his craft, which seasoned writers say takes one million words or ten years to develop.Next, he embarked on four years of creative writing courses through the University of Washington Extension program, studying at the feet of the likes of Pam Binder and James Thayer, just to name a few of the Jedi Masters he has crossed paths with on his journey.Jake worked at Lowe’s and Home Depot during this time and then went back to school to study Diagnostic Ultrasound imaging, all the while nurturing his book into maturity. When it was finally ready, he assembled his team, a new website, a knowledgeable publisher in Jera Publishing, and the assembled wisdom of his loyal beta readers and book Dr. to birth The Song of Jonas out into the unsuspecting world. A world utterly unready and unprepared for the planet-sized slap they were about to receive to the cerebral cortex, and like it.If you are further interested in what books, movies, and current events or topics Jake likes discussing, or just want to see what he has to say about the world in up-to date postings for your enjoyment, then consider reading his blog found on this website. You never know, it might enlighten you to a new book or movie that you haven’t heard of that you might enjoy.His writing influences range from Harry Potter, to The Electric Cool-Aid Acid Test and The Right Stuff, both by author Tom Wolfe, as well as Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. He’s researched Shamanism, UFO encounters, conspiracy theories and facts, past life regression studies, and mystical knowledge from many cultures including Hindu, Buddhist, Native American, and many others, all of which has been woven into the DNA of The Song of Jonas. For there is a maxim for writers that the more truth you can put into your fiction the better it will be. And anyway, we all know that truth is stranger than fiction.The style he developed on accident consists of the eternal Heroes Journey, mixed with satire of whatever types of characters and topics that he is satirizing at the moment. This unique style is named inspired ridiculousness, and he hopes you’ll find it an appropriate name.Thank You for taking your time to read this.Sincerely, Jake Hansen

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chapter

CHAPTER ONE

Talley’s Special Delivery

ON A DARK NIGHT, in the year seven thousand and one of Earth’s Common Era, on the first day of August and with two full moons above, Talley frantically ran for his life through the thick jungle brush, trying to escape from four ravenous demons.

Talley was a Shastra, a race of humanoids with the body and limbs of normal humans, but with the head of a jackal. And among this and many other things Talley was a soldier from the jungle city of Heliopolis.

He ran through the darkness while the jungle’s thick and broad-leaved greenery groped, grabbed, and slapped him all over, and twigs poked him like small spears. Behind, the grumbling of four demons’ atomic war chariots roared after him.

His active jackal snout actively smelled the wet dirt under his sandaled feet, the vines hitting his face, and the thick jungle canopy above. Not to mention the burning metal smell of the demons’ chariots behind him. But he didn’t have the time to stop and sniff around as he would like, so he ran on.

His Shastra legs sprinted and his Shastra lungs huffed as he leapt, dodged, swung, and hurled himself madly down the rough path. He dashed through lush groves of juice-bursting fruits that hung low, past tall corn stalks, and then a whole village of straw huts. And as he did every hut door and window slammed shut.

He stopped behind a farmers market and dug through a pile of banana leaves. He thanked the Guardians his atomic powered jet bike was right where he hid it.

He leapt onto the jet bike’s seat, punched the atomic drive starter, revved its blue-glowing ion thrusters, and shot off into the night like a long, thin projectile. The brown huts raced by in a blur and the bike’s headlights pierced the torrential rain. And he prayed to the Guardians that his old, second-hand jet bike would hold together long enough to get him to the border of Heliopolis.

The bike coughed, sneezed, hacked, and cleared its throat as small parts rattled and flew off from both sides. He hoped those parts weren’t important. So he just squeezed his legs tighter and hoped the bike would hold together long enough.

He thought maybe the demons had tracked him down with the help of spying mice. Or maybe a surveillance sloth had blabbed to the demons for a small bag of corn snacks as a reward. He looked back as the headlights of the demons’ jet bikes shone behind him as they grew closer and closer.

Just by glancing down he could tell that his bike’s weapon system was outdated. So he just guessed and punched random buttons on the panel between his legs, trying to get any weapon to work for him. A kind of cannon-like tube came out from the side and shot out rounds of what looked like corn. Yes, he realized it was just lots of corn.

Talley slammed his palm against the forehead of his jet bike helmet as he realized he had mistakenly grabbed his roommate Sal’s jet bike instead of his own, which was much faster and safer, and just better. He just shook his head and punched dials, trying to drive faster.

Talley knew the four demons would pursue him until they caught him. He could tell that their atomic jet bikes were longer and sleeker and faster than his as he peered back through the rain. They were hunting him down to prevent him from delivering a scroll to the Elders of the city of Heliopolis.

The whole reason he was in this forbidden part of the jungle to begin with was to meet the Shastra hermit, Siegfried. He had met Siegfried, who gave him a special scroll to take safely to the Elders of Heliopolis. The Elders were the elite priesthood of the city of Heliopolis, and Siegfried had said that the Elders would warn the king of Heliopolis of the new Savior’s existence. They would find the new Savior and guide him to the immortal Guardians to be trained. He had to find the Shastra Elder named Bheem. That had been Siegfried’s strict command.

And if Talley didn’t find Bheem he knew that Khapre-Tum, that most ancient and terrible being, would find the Savior, most likely kill him, and then enslave and destroy the world or worse. Khapre-Tum was the skeleton god of the Underworlds. And he could not die as far as anyone was concerned that Talley had asked.

Talley was startled as he heard the, tallest, hairiest, and meanest demon of the four, named Madroopt, talking about him. It was because Talley picked up their speech over his helmet’s comm. link. It made the hair on his jackal head stand on end with fear.

Talley must be stopped. He will give Siegfried’s scroll to the Elders of Heliopolis if we don’t! said Madroopt.

What do you say, boys? Tear him apart now? Talley heard Madroopt ask the others over the comm. link as they raced into the rain after him. Or play with him a little? This is fun, no?

Tear him apart! Tear him apart! yelled the second demon, named Hoarserash.

Um, how about neither? said Talley into the comm. link. But they didn’t hear him.

Arggghhh! said the third, named Ironeyes. I’ll eat his spleen!

Talley knew that Ironeyes was a female demon’s name, and they were more even vicious than male demons. If he didn’t find the Elders quick he was as good as demon barbeque.

Careful now Ironeyes, Khapre-Tum said to take him alive if possible, said Madroopt. Remember the last four Shastra prisoners that you vaporized by accident?

Ahhh dungwallop! Madroopt, let’s eat his jackal head, eh? And those skinny limbs too. I could use a late night snack! said, Ironeyes.

Let me try to stop him first, said Hoarserash.

Don’t ruin the meat! yelled Ironeyes. You’re the worst shot in the Underworld!

Am not! I’ll skewer your mother for that! said Hoarserash.

Haha! Horserash, my mother would eat you alive! yelled Madroopt.

Shut up! yelled Hoarserash.

Enough you idiots. Watch this! yelled Hoarserash. The huge, black, matted-haired demon aimed and shot his bike’s energy rays.

Talley swerved and the demons’ death rays sprayed the thick jungle beside him, tearing it up and leaving it a crater-filled, fiery mess. He swerved again and two energy rays nicked his brown, pointed jackal ears sticking out of his helmet. He reached up and felt the singed tips of his ears, that thankfully were still there.

Talley hung on for dear life and barely dodged more terrible blasts from the demons’ arsenal, as he zoomed past a sign that read ‘Shastra Construction Management Company of Heliopolis.’ Then another that read, ‘Please slow down or face a one thousand Gold Buton fine.’

Talley didn’t want to pay such a large fine so he slowed down and stopped. Three Shastras walked up to him, wearing orange work tunics, protective silver hats, and carrying big comm. link devices and free-energy electric lamps.

Thanks for stopping sir, said the first Shastra construction worker. This will only be a moment. We’re building a new safe transport path through the jungle.

Ugh, you have got to be kidding me, Talley said to himself.

Thank you for your patience sir.

Ahhh, of course it’s summertime, there’s always construction in the summertime, said Talley, looking back behind him for the demons. But I’m in a big hurry, you see. His foot twitched nervously on the foot-stay of his jet bike. Could I maybe pass by just this once?

Come on through! yelled the Shastra worker, ignoring him and waving to someone in the distance.

The Shastra construction worker stood right in Talley’s way and blocked him from passing. Large barriers and tall metal fences lined both sides of his path, while all around them dirt, dust, and smoke billowed up in the night air.

It was still raining terribly hard and Talley just kept getting wetter and colder. But being a respectful Shastra, he waited patiently. He tried to reason with the construction worker. You see sir, these demons are…

It will only be a few moments, sir, said the Shastra construction worker, raising his hand and cutting him off.

Oh, okay, said Talley, growing more nervous as his atomic jet bike idled in the rain.

What are you guys building? asked Talley.

We’re widening the chariot road that goes from Shetra to Heliopolis. We’re also installing an electric border fence to keep out the giant dino lizards and giant honey bats that have been terrorizing travelers recently. It’s a pretty serious problem, said the Shastra construction worker.

Oh, yeah that’s important. Those are pretty nasty pests alright, said Talley.

You bet your pointed jackal ears they’re a problem, said the Shastra construction worker as he snorted.

Talley studied the tall metal fences standing at least fifty feet high. They stretched to the left and then off to the right into the distance. The huge fences and barriers were covered with wires, huge electrodes, flashing lights, and signs. Some signs read, ‘Keep Out,’ one said ‘You Try You Fry,’ and another said ‘No Dino Lizards Allowed. Really, Just Stay Away, Alright? Thanks.’

Soon the demons pulled up behind Talley and stopped when they saw the signs, the barriers, and all the construction workers. Three more Shastra construction workers greeted the demons, but the demons ignored them.

But this just made the construction workers angry. Using weapons in a construction zone is a serious offense. You WILL go to prison! a Shastra worker yelled at the demons.

The demons looked around and snarled and snorted. What? Ughhh, fine, said Madroopt. They all harrumphed in frustration, turned off their laser cannons, and sat there on their jet bikes, sulking in the pouring rain.

Is there something funny going on here? asked the Shastra worker, looking from the mean looking demons to Talley, who twitched nervously only five cubits away.

No, umm, no sir. We’re just in a hurry. And we’re following that gentleman there to go have dinner at a fancy restaurant, said Madroopt, pointing at Talley.

We already have our reservation and we’re late, said Ironeyes, batting her ugly demon eyelids.

Oh, okay. That’s nice, said the Shastra workman.

Large land-moving equipment hovered past them and more Shastra workers walked by, all holding signs and free-energy drills and laser jackhammers. When the machines and workers had passed, the first Shastra construction worker waved Talley on by. Okay, you can go through.

Thank you, said Talley as he gunned his jet bike and blasted through the opening between the barriers. He looked back and caught the annoyed looks on the demons’ faces as the Shastra construction workers asked them to stop while another hovering bulldozer crawled past them.

Talley drove onward as fast as he could, but soon the demons had gained on him again. He found new hope as the thick trees, vines, and bushes thinned out up ahead and he spotted the guard-post of the border of Heliopolis in the distance. Just a few hundred cubits of high grass remained between him and freedom.

I think that’s about enough, said Madroopt. Khapre-Tum wants a report.

We still get to eat him, right? asked Ironeyes.

We need to stop him first, said Horserash.

Sure, do it already. This is boring, said Ironeyes. End it now.

The hair on Talley’s jackal head stood up in fright as he heard Madroopt’s growl over the comm. link. My pleasure, said Madroopt.

Talley heard the familiar beeping as the demon’s targeting computer dialed in and locked right onto his jet bike. Madroopt launched a pulsing, red-orb energy bomb right into the air from the side cannon on his atomic war chariot.

Talley knew he was in deep trouble. No matter how much he zigged and zagged the energy bomb hovered right above him.

Left, no, right, no, left again! yelled Madroopt at the energy bomb as it followed Talley.

Madroopt punched a button and the bomb sailed over Talley’s head and exploded in front of the nose of his jet bike. Time slowed, and Talley lost control as the bike wobbled and then disintegrated beneath him.

He flew through the air before he landed and rolled through a wet bog of mud. He sat up, dazed, and with his head spinning. He ached all over and was covered with so much muck he could barely see a thing through the pouring rain.

He heard yelling and shouting and wiped the thick mud from his helmet visor. He took his jet bike helmet off and looked past the edge of the bog to where he saw the lights of the border station of Heliopolis about fifty cubits away. At that moment, Talley actually thought he could make it. He stood but his legs shook and he fell right back in the mud.

Two of the demons shot past where he lay in the tall grass, and his pointed jackal ears were nearly shattered by the engine’s roar. They circled around for what he knew was their final attack.

He was so close, but the Shastra guards were forbidden from helping him while he was still outside the border of Heliopolis. However, if those guards knew how important that scroll was in his tunic pocket they would fire everything they had to protect him.

He looked around and spotted a Jackawolf nearby in the tall grasses, which was a wolf with long ears and a rabbit’s tail and legs. It stared at him and he knew it was probably just as scared as he was. Talley waved quietly and motioned for it to look and see if the coast was clear for him to make a run for the border. The brown furred Jackawolf shook its head no, but Talley persisted. Please, just take a little look. It’s really important, he pleaded.

The Jackawolf shook its head vigorously.

Okay buddy, how about for some food? asked Talley. I’ve got the rest of my lunch here. It’s been in my pocket all day, so it’s still warm.

The Jackawolf tilted its head curiously as Talley pulled out a sealed bag and unzipped it. He held out the sandwich and even peeled back the top piece of bread. Ummm, smells so good, he said. It’s got Hippopotamus steak AND giraffe jerky….

The Jackawolf reached out for the sandwich but Talley pulled it back. Uh, uh, uh. Go see if they’re still there and then you can have it.

The Jackawolf took a deep breath and one last longing look at Talley’s sandwich and nodded. It grabbed Talley’s cloak that was strewn on the ground, and with a stick picked it up like a flag and waved it above the tall grass.

Reams of laser fire punctured the cape and singed the Jackawolf’s ears. It ducked down, scared out of its mind and shaking its head.

Well, thanks for trying, little buddy, said Talley.

The Jackawolf held out its hand angrily and Talley handed over the sandwich. Here you go. You earned it.

The Jackawolf stuffed the sandwich into its mouth like it hadn’t eaten for days. When it was done it turned and bounced away through the tall grass.

With his last ounce of strength Talley stood and hobbled through the tall grasses towards the bright lights of the stone fort. All he could do was limp towards the sound of the Shastra guards screaming and cheering him on, and hope he made it.

Talley heard the demons’ jet bikes charge at him again so he dove back into the tall grass. He held his ears while a symphony of laser beams hit the ground nearby and terrible pains pierced his legs and arms. When it stopped he couldn’t believe he was still in one piece.

Once again, the demons’ jet bikes screamed right over his jackal head, and after they passed he could still hear them cackling in the distance.

That’s it. He’s done for. No one could have survived that, not even a demigod, said Madroopt.

You’re darn right about that! said Horserash.

But what if the meat’s bad now? whined Ironeyes.

Oh, shut up about that already! yelled Madroopt. That little Shastra is just gristle and bone anyway.

The demons growled at the two moons above and then curse the border guards of the outpost. He knew he was close because he could hear the border guards clearly. Talley decided that if he didn’t take his chance, he wouldn’t get another one. So he forced himself up and limped the last distance to the outpost.

The demons were busy celebrating and didn’t see him reach a break in the laser fence at the border. The cheering Shastra guards caught him and carried him like he was a conquering hero. It was truly a miracle. He had made it.

Praise Garud! Praise the Guardians! yelled the Shastra guards. They cursed and shook their fists at the four demons out in the grassy field. Get out of here, you filth! Go back to the Underworld! they yelled at the demons.

Talley had made it. The score was Shastras 1, demons nothing. The Shastra guards yelled and hugged him like he had just scored the winning goal in the final of the Boingo Ball World Championships. And Talley felt the same joy.

The Shastra captain of the guard approached to congratulate him. Well done my boy, well done indeed. You’re very brave. You sure showed them. Come on and put ‘er there.

The captain walked forward, smiling broadly, and with his hand outstretched for Talley to shake it.

Take this to Bheem. Elder of Heliopolis, stuttered Talley, reaching into his tunic and taking out the scroll, now all sopping wet. Talley shoved the scroll into the captain’s hand just as his legs gave out. He collapsed and died, right there in the rain.

chapter

CHAPTER TWO

Breakfast At The Orphanage

THE FARMER, JONAS NEFERIS, a young Shastra with a black jackal head knelt in prayer and meditation before the bronze statue of the Shastra Guardian Garud that stood on his wooden altar.

Sun crept through the blinds of his dwelling, the corner room on the second floor of the orphanage complex in the city of Shetra. The city was a medium sized farming town on the outskirts of the jungle, and technically part of the kingdom of Heliopolis.

Jonas opened his eyes as his metal eagle alarm clock screeched right above his pointed jackal ears. He sighed but stayed seated. He knew he had to get up though. It wouldn’t give up because it was a far more advanced alarm clock than any of his many alarm clocks before it.

Squawk! It’s nine o’clock! Squawk! it hollered as it screeched and zipped around the ceiling.

Okay, that’s it, he said. He rose and pretended to dust his altar, holding some pictures of the twelve Guardians and the bronze statue of Garud. Next, he straightened his Boingo Ball athletic equipment in the corner. Next to that was his dresser with all his farming clothes and a rack holding farming tools.

When the mechanical eagle clock was close enough he sprang up and reached for it, grabbing hold of its metal tail, but hit his head on the free-energy ceiling fan. He let go before he tumbled to the wood floor.

But the eagle alarm clock suddenly got cocky. It flapped about above him and in its taunting it also hit the ceiling fan which shot it out an open window.

Jonas groaned and sat up. He pushed away the rake that had fallen on him and the chair that was now tangled between his bruised legs.

He could relax now but he knew the alarm clock would be back to harass him until it was turned off. Or he would have to search the town of Shetra to find it and recharge it on the free-energy producing cube in his closet which powered his appliances. This cube in turn was powered by rays from the giant pyramid in the grand city of Heliopolis twenty miles away through the jungle.

He closed his eyes for a quick five minute nap but was startled when someone kicked him in the leg. What the heck? he yelled as he opened his heavy jackal eyelids.

Jonas, get up already. Don’t you want breakfast? asked a Shastra voice. Priests get up at dawn every morning you know. And I’ve been up since six.

I know, I know. But it’s early still, he moaned. Leave me alone please.

It was his suite-mate, Baron, a Shastra monk with a red jackal head, who wore orange robes and lived in the room right next to his. Jonas never understood how Baron could get up so early. He felt like he was emerging from a long, cryogenic freeze each morning.

He opened his eyes and rolled over. What time is it? he asked.

Nine o’clock. Didn’t you get a new alarm clock?

Yeah, I did. But it flew out the window, he said.

Well, come on, we’re gonna be late to the cafeteria, said Baron.

Ughhh, I’m still tired from our Boingo Ball match yesterday, said Jonas, rolling over again.

If you don’t hurry up all the bacon and eggs and biscuits and coffee will be gone, said Baron.

Okay, let’s go, said Jonas, his mouth already watering. He bolted upright and put on a new tunic, loincloth, and sandals in under five minutes. One thing Jonas hated missing was a breakfast of Shetra’s famous lizard bacon and delicious coffee.

Priests get up at dawn, dude. Geeze, Jonas, how are you going to do that? asked Baron.

I don’t know, get another alarm clock? he said. Jonas had wanted to be a Garud priest even since before he got kicked out of the Shetra military academy. He would figure out a system to get up at dawn somehow.

He had envisioned his own official priest’s induction ceremony many times. There was the heavenly music, the special flowing robes, the grace, the food. Plus, he was super psyched to get to travel to the grand City of Heliopolis. Once in its most sacred temples he would meet Garud and the other twelve Guardians, that protected and watched over the civilization of Heliopolis, Earth, and the solar system.

Jonas and Baron elbowed through the crowd as they walked down the orphanage hallway. Jonas passed the stone walls covered with school fliers or with posters of various players that played on Boingo Ball teams in Shetra, or of Bentu, the prince of Heliopolis, who was the best archer in the kingdom.

They passed the wing of dorms where the serpent beings bunked, and Jonas saw their rooms with floors covered with woodchips and heat lamps hanging from the ceilings. There were turtle beings, snake, serpent, and lizard beings that walked on hind legs and some had human torsos and appendages. Jonas knew a few of these beings, and they were interesting characters to say the least.

They passed a water fountain and a squid humanoid’s tentacles slapped Jonas in the face. Hey, Tommukine! he shouted. Watch out.

Oh, sorry, Jonas, said Tommukine, turning around. His head was a squid’s and the tentacles came out of his neck. They get out of hand when I’m hungry.

I know man, don’t worry about it, said Jonas, and he and Baron walked on.

They descended stairs to the lower floors where the younger orphans lived and managed to wade through the complete chaos they presented. Younger Shastras, humans, and Navans ran up and down the orphanage’s hallway throwing free energy powered model sky chariots and kicking balls about, and all yelling, screaming, and fighting.

Jonas and Baron covered their jackal heads with their arms and only suffered a few spit balls and wads of gum and dirt as they braved the gauntlet through the hallway. Despite the chaos Jonas loved the youngsters and helped them with their homework or Boingo Ball practice or farming studies whenever they asked.

They went down two more flights of steps and reached the main social area where all sorts of beings walked and talked and lounged about on beanbag chairs. Some watched hologram movies and others listened to recorded electric flute and bongo music from the band the Electric Blues Rocket.

Since the orphanage was also a school dormitory, beings carried around their books, binders, and hologram study guides going to and from their classes. A few of them carried cages with genetic experiments in them for genetics class. They hauled crab-monkey, panther-monkey, eagle-monkey, and fish-monkey hybrid beings through the common-room. And Jonas thought those weren’t even the third most interesting hybrids he’d seen that week.

Jonas stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a large hologram projector showing images from the archery contest from two days ago.

Hold on Baron. They’re playing highlights from Bentu’s victory, said Jonas. He wandered over excitedly and couldn’t take his eyes off the holograms. The hologram images showed Bentu, the Shastra prince of the city Heliopolis, as he competed in the archery tournament and became the first champion of the solar system from Heliopolis in over a hundred years.

A special archery contest always started off the Garud Harvest Festival every year. But this was the first year after fifty years that it was actually the Championship for the whole Solar System.

"Jonas, you