How To Survive Moscow a Dad's Guide

By Justin Morley

Eight years of living in Moscow as a British expatriate and SAHD. This big survival guide book gives a detailed account on many subjects in the form of How to. For example: How to cope with winters in Moscow. This guide began life as a popular blog that was featured in radio and television. You will find this guide very useful and packed with information on surviving in Moscow. Learn what it's like to live in Moscow, learn about another culture. The content is written with humour and can be dipped into section by section rather than read in one go. An excellent resource reference for anyone who wants to learn about another culture and to understand just what it''s like to be a SAHD (stay at home dad) married to a French woman living in Moscow!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Justin Morley
• Release date: Jan 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370663132

Justin Morley

I have lived in two countries. Slovakia for five years and Russia for eight years. I love travel, food and writing.

Book preview

Table of Contents

How to Survive Moscow, a Dad’s Guide

Dedicated to:

Introduction:

The move

Teaching

Living in Russia

Content

Chapter 1 Get started

How to - Leave your country

How to - Set up home in Moscow

How to - Understand the Moscow expatriate community

How to - Survive Moscow

How to - Stay healthy & happy in Moscow

How to - Be a stay at home dad

How to - Be an expatriate type

How to - Be a parent & do it abroad-

How to - Select a child-minder in Moscow

How to - Be ready for Russian winters

How to - Be a tourist & parent tourist in Russia

How to - Cope without customer care in Russia

How to - Sleep in Moscow, during the winter

How to - Cope with Seasonal Affective Disorder, in Moscow

How to - Be a parent type

How to - Survive being a stay at home dad (SAHD) in Moscow

How to - Understand Russians

How to - Drive in Moscow

How to - Enjoy Moscow eccentricities

How to - Enjoy Moscow summers

How to - Exercise with a baby

How to - Eat out in Moscow

How to - Food shop in Moscow

Chapter 2 Living In Moscow

How to - Get a man's haircut cheaply in Moscow

How to - Get lost in Moscow- Battery low, lost in the jungle

How to - Fly with chimpanzees & a wife

How to - Be a man in a woman's world

How to - Self Pedicure

How to - Get your car fixed in Moscow

How to - Get baptised, the waters of God

How to - Go on a package holiday from Moscow

How to - Have no phone & exchange a phone in Moscow

How to - Notice things after being here a while

How to - Prepare a school lunch

How to - Queue in Russia

How to - Travel around Moscow

How to - Use a Moscow gym

How to - Use a mid range gym

How to - Use the Moscow metro

How to - Annoy Old Russian neighbours

How to - Be a Filipino nanny or cleaner in Moscow

How to - Be strong like Russia

How to - Go nuts at the checkout

How to - Not sleep in Moscow

How to - Survive Gorilla Man and Spitting Buddha

How to - Survive Russian neighbours

How to - Only speak English

How to - Get a part for your car from a market

Chapter 3 Other Things

How to - Get an expensive circumcision in Moscow

How to - Go mushroom picking

How to - Play the next game level

How to - Go to St. Petersburg

How to - Walk & go to school in Moscow

How to - Try teaching one to one in Moscow

How to - Survive Russian nannies

How to - See Russian Bling

How to – Be a wind-up toy

How to – Experience another life private teaching in Moscow

How to - Teach rich Russian kids

How to – Teach a girl with a jealous boyfriend

How to – Teach poor little rich girls

How to- Have a baby in Moscow, credit cards welcome

How to - Survive the small people

How to Survive Moscow, a Dad’s Guide

Justin Morley

Copyright. Original work. Justin Morley 2017:

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No part of this book may be reproduced in any written, electronic, or another form without written permission of the publisher or author. The exception would be in the case of brief quotations embodied in the critical articles or reviews and pages where the publisher or author specifically grants permission.

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Dedicated to:

My family.

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Introduction:

This book originated from my blog entitled 'English dad in Moscow'. I updated the blog for over five years. It had many followers. Then I ran out of enthusiasm and stopped updating it. My wife encouraged me to put the blog into a self-published book for fun and as a record for the future for my kids.

I am too lazy to write a book from the beginning, and so I have compiled the best posts from the online blog. The posts consist of 'how to' advice based on a kind of continuous diary. This information ranges for example, from how to survive Moscow, to How to annoy elderly Russian neighbours and other subjects. These ‘how to' sections, helped me keep sane and were intended as advice to anyone who has moved to Moscow or who is thinking of moving to Moscow.

As I was a SAHD (Stay at home dad), I also wanted to help any fathers who may find themselves in my situation, stuck at home or abroad or in a place like Moscow. The blog gained a positive reputation and was featured on the BBC and some on radio shows. The previous blog is the book that you now have before you.

I'm from London in the United Kingdom. My wife is French, and we married in England. We lived and worked there for some years then my wife was posted to Slovakia. At the end of our five-year stay in Slovakia (and in my mid-40's), my first son arrived. When he was a six months old baby, we relocated to Moscow Russia. These were two life-changing events for me. I found myself in a new city and a different country, with no work, looking after a baby boy. It was a crash course in child care and a lonely, surreal experience that almost drove me nuts (no it did drive me nuts!).

I had no home help, only a baby, Moscow and me. As I’m British (sorry no one is perfect!), I joined an expatriate English-speaking women's group (don’t call me Mrs Doubtfire) and went to women's baby group mornings. The women were mostly a lot younger than me and married to embassy men or directors. I felt as uncomfortable as a man can feel at a breastfeeding nipple convention. I had become an SAHD in Moscow and a true woman!

There were two of us men at these baby groups, but then my only friend and fellow SAHD left Moscow, and so I decided to leave the women's baby group. Leaving the baby group robbed me of my only contact with my language, and I became a very lonely guy. I was literally in a no man's land, with only a baby for male company. You don't see many dads at playgrounds or parks, especially in the week in Moscow. Conversation with a six-month-old baby was (as you can imagine), very limited.

I battled this dad and son existence for about seventeen months and then found a part-time babysitter and salvation came. She was Filipino, and she helped me with cleaning and babysitting, see (How to – be a Filipino nanny or cleaner in Moscow, respect to these girls). This freedom allowed me afternoons off to look for teaching work. Getting out and meeting people via teaching, was a welcome lifeline that saved me from going nuts. The second lifeline for my sanity was writing a blog (see below) it was therapeutic to write and a real stress relief from the daily baby care routine.

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The move

Our move to Moscow and the first flat that we lived in was a disaster. The flat was inherited from a former colleague of my wife's, and it was situated on the busy Leninsky Prospect. This road is a busy 12-lane route that goes past the former Hotel Ukraine.

The flat was had electric cables hanging off the walls and was last remodelled in the early 1970's. The only plus side was that it was huge. However, we only had a mattress to sleep on, and no furniture as our moving had not arrived.

My baby son and I would bounce around the empty flat all day, while my wife went off to do important things at work. After about two months, I couldn't take it anymore and told my wife I wanted to move somewhere away from cars and somewhere safer for kids. We contacted a few Moscow real estate agencies and told them our monthly renting budget. They tried to conceal their laughter at our budget, and took pity on us and began looking for a flat for us. Most expatriates get their rent free or partly paid for but not us. After visiting many flats (that looked as if they were either from a communist museum), we found one not far from the Kremlin. It was situated near a kindergarten (preschool).

Our new flat was painted in white, clean and had an incredible view of an old music school. From our living room window, we could hear music students practising the piano or singing opera. The best thing about it was our owner landlady, Julia (Yulia). She was a sweet old lady (a widow, her late husband was a top Soviet actor) and she very helpful and friendly. It had a kitchen, two bedrooms, a small living room and bathroom covered in mirrors. By the way, Russian's seem like mirrors and gold taps.

After a while, things began to happen above us and below in our new flat. We endured drilling every day; all day for about three months, while the man below converted his deceased grandmother's home, into a love palace for his girlfriends. Renovation or as it's called in Russia remont is a popular Russian sport. The favoured weapon of choice is a heavy-duty drill or an electric floor sander. After lover man had finished his renovation, he moved in, and the noise changed to something else. We would often be woken up at night by the sound of his bed banging against the wall in a crescendo of orgasm. Outside, the garbage men would arrive most nights (at about 2 am or 3 am) beating old metal garbage cans around just below our bedroom window. In the summer, we would melt, as the flat had a logier covered in glass (a balcony covered in plastic windows, often used for storage and popular in Russia) that backed onto the two bedrooms and we had no air-con!

We arrived in Moscow in 2009, during the worst heat wave and forest fires. As time passed by, living life in our second Moscow flat, I began to notice a drunken man walking his dog every day. He lived with his old mother, many floors above us. As I went out with my son each day, I would pass him as he tried to go up the steps into our building. He was usually drunk (at any time of the day) and would be covered in blood with broken glasses on his face due to his failed attempts to negotiate up the five steps with his old dog and a bag full of Vodka. Later, his mother would meet a nasty ending ('how to survive Russian neighbours') as you will find out later on as you read this book.

After our 3rd year when our second son was born- the flat became too small, so we needed a bigger place and wanted to escape, lover man, drunks and noisy garbage men. So we moved home again. Next stop- living in a home for retired KGB.

Move number 3. Old and important people mostly occupied our new block. Most of these people were no younger than about 70 years of age. Many were former officials, police, KGB, the Soviet government, army, etc. They viewed us with great suspicion. One old woman would sit on a bench outside with another old lady by the main entrance door to our building and eye us up each time we went out. You will read about in 'how to - annoy old Russian neighbours’. I wonder what these women thought of a man taking a baby out each day. I am very sure they knew everyone's business and everyone's lives. Don't forget Russia a matriarchal society; men don't look after kids. The new flat was huge and not so expensive for Moscow but again very dated. We were pleased to be in a bigger flat and away from drunks and lover man. However, as at the last apartment experience, the honeymoon period soon ended, after we met the neighbours above us. Our new neighbours were a crazy French-Russian family, with five children and a dog. One of their children had a piano above our bedroom, and he would practice on his piano at all times of the day and night. He always played the same tunes very poorly. It drove me insane. Not only this, every night, we would be woken by water trucks cleaning the street in the summer and by snow trucks in the winter. You can read about this in ‘how to sleep in Moscow in the winter'.

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Teaching

Once my fist son was at school every day, (for half a day), we hired a nanny (babysitter) to look after both boys in the afternoons. In the mornings, I would look after my second son, and during the afternoons I would go out leaving the kids with the babysitter. I taught English to wealthy Russian children. We were not wealthy expatriates, and I had to pay the babysitter, the teaching helped with this expense. Teaching the rich had its issues and was an experience that I will never forget. You can read about this under different ‘how to' stories about teaching. Teaching Russians is a 'special' experience and a challenge. Gaining a glimpse into this secret world of the rich was an interesting sociological experience for me. I had to deal with spoilt children and cope with the jealous eyes of Russian nannies. You can read about this in this book.

As the years went by, I gained more freedom from looking after two boys. I went out and gave English lessons to dysfunctional Russian children, joined a Moscow gym, (See how to use a Moscow gym) travelled in Russia, met new people and lived a life that was less dull than when I arrived in Russia.

Living in Russia

Moscow is not like anywhere else for good and bad reasons. In my opinion, it’s not an exotic destination, and Moscow is a hard city. Muscovite's can be cold just like any city population, and I would not say all Russians are like this. The experience of being a stay at home dad is hard and challenging and doing it when you are in your mid 40's in Moscow is very a very tough gig. I found the experience a nightmare to cope with.

We are all human, arrive in the world, live life and die but culturally we are not the same. Russians have a different history, different values and different expectations. They come in all shapes and sizes, but those aged over fifty tend to share common beliefs about life and the rest of the world. The young are more open but still a bit brainwashed by their parents and grandparents who grew up in Soviet times. I stayed in Moscow for eight years. I have a bond to Russia. Not by choice but by birth, as one of my children was born in Russia. My kids may not remember their life in Russia when they are older, but I am sure Russia has a place in their hearts and memory.

I don't think Moscow is the best place to live, but it is an exciting city, and Russia is a vast and fascinating country. For any Russian that may read this, I don't really like Moscow, but I don't really like London either if it makes you feel better? If I had to choose between London and Moscow, I would choose Moscow. The city has more positives than London. I like Russian's love for children, and I like how they respect the old. Travel on any Moscow metro train and people of all ages and gender, will get up and give their seat to an older adult. Respect still lives in Russia; men give their seats to women, and this is how it should be. Russia has beautiful churches, nature and a fantastic cuisine.

What I don't like about Moscow is the endless traffic, human coldness, spitting in the streets and the cost of living. As a foreigner in Russia, I hated Russian nationalism and narrow Russian mindedness, but strangely I now admire it. Other countries in Europe, (including my own), would be wise to encourage a greater pride and push for a more nationalistic attitude. Nationalism and pride in one's country can foster better harmony and unity in any society. They say God created Russia and then the rest of the world. Self-belief and pride in one's country are missing in the United Kingdom, and we should follow (a watered down version) of the Russian example.

In Russia, two plus two often does not equal four, and I now know, there is no such a thing as Russian logic. Don't try to understand it and don't try to. How, for example, did the mayor of Moscow, (Sergei Sobyanin’s with supposed, alleged family connections to a brick and cement factory) get into office and then replace roads, paths, floors in parks and gardens across all of Moscow with new bricks. I'm sure the money went somewhere. The moon is made of cheese and fairies do exist!

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Content

The content of this book is based on my experience as a British father and English teacher, living temporarily in Moscow Russia from 2009. We were fortunate to live in a central area of Moscow, and we had enough money to live. I wrote this book from a man's perspective and as a father so please forgive any sexist remarks or crude language. I am not complaining about my time in Russia, as there are many people in Russia, with no hope or future and I know I was fortunate to not worry about money and I had a home. Being a SAHD and doing it in Moscow was one of the hardets things I have ever done.

The how to’s are intended as fun but based on real advice and experience. They should be read with humour. The spelling is British English, written on a French computer with no spell check. The entire content was written in a hurry, with two small kids and so I am sorry for any big typing mistakes, grammatical errors or spelling anomalies that may annoy you.

I have tried to put the ‘How to’s in a logical sequence, but Russian logic often got in my way. I did not pay any money to have this book professionally edited for which dear reader I am sorry. I have edited it as best I can, but after five hours I had a nosebleed and had to lie down. The content within was a bugger to format causing me to vomit ink. I have a French computer with an American spell check. WYSIWYG, What you see is what you get. No money back, no guarantee! All money made from book sales goes directly to my kids, so a big thank you.

Each 'how to' is intended to make you laugh but is based on my real experience and facts. If you are not a parent, father, teacher, mother or stay at home dad, it does not matter. The how to's within this book will give you an insight into what it's like living in Moscow. If you have no plan to ever live in Moscow (or any other part of Russia), this book will open up the secret world of another culture.

Thank you to everyone who gave me inspiration and real life situations to write about. The names of real people have been changed throughout this book (which is a great pity), but I don't want to be shot or sued!

Note: This book is big. Please dip into as and when you need to by subject.

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Copyright Justin Morley 2017

Chapter 1 Get started

How to - Leave your country

In another how to edition, we will show that it is possible to live away from your home country, friends and family and suggest how to do it successfully. People move away from the home country for a number of reasons. Some move away for good and some move away for a set period of time due to work. These reasons for leaving your home country have different consequences and bring different requirements for coping.

As shown in ‘the expatriate how to’, certain places in the world attract certain types of people, and people move abroad for money, love, opportunity and for freedom of persecution. Leaving your country can be hard or easy, and a lot will depend on how you feel about your country, city, town or village. You may be tired of your job; sick of the daily routine or just want a fresh start abroad. Countries change, some get better some get worse, depending on political decisions and leadership. It can be easy to relocate abroad or hard. Many people, me included, have left our country for good, this brings with it sadness and anticipation. We must lower our flag at sunset and kiss our land goodbye, as we walk off into the night with a brave heart and an eye to the future.

Leaving & reasons for going

You may want to leave your home and move abroad because you hate your job and your boss. You have thought of hiring a hit man to take them out but don't want the jail time, moving away will be easier and less risky. You may be disillusioned with your countries politics and feel there is no future where you live and that the loonies have taken over the asylum. You may dream of living in a forest, with a tribe of Pygmies, where you can roam freely naked and eat wild berries. You may want to leave your country because you are a war criminal and don't want to be tried and jailed for life, you will have to make sure you buried the bodies well and be a master of international disguise. If you are a dictator, you will need to get out fast. You will need a fast car, private jet and friends in countries like Russia, who will welcome you and your family with open arms. Hide your gold well and don't look back. You may dream of starting a business abroad and making billions, producing chocolate underwear, this is fine but be careful, chocolate does melt. Some flee their countries due to torture and persecution. The thought of having electrodes taped to your testicles at 5 am, every morning is not a nice prospect. Escape and run to a new life abroad and to hell with the consequences.

Whatever the reason for leaving, you will need to be organised and have a strong mental attitude to do it. If you move abroad for love, he or she may have been great in bed, but they may not live up to expectations, once you move in together in the forest, where you dream of running naked and raising ten children. Many people have moved abroad to be with a partner, only to see it all go horribly wrong. Generally, make sure they are rich; it will make the transition less painful. Many women, from other countries, have fallen for Russian men, often rich ones but it is not just the money that attracts them, Russian men can treat women very well, and gender roles are still traditional here. Romance and flowers are expected here, and this is what attracts some. Many men from other countries meet beautiful women, via online dating websites and these relationships, can work but often men are only used by women when they are seeking a new life abroad as they want to escape their country just like so many other people. A man, often with money is their ticket to a new life. Watch out guys, follow your heart not your dick, it can take you down a path to total destruction.

If you own a house or flat, you can sell it or let it out. You can let it fully furnished or empty. If you let it furnished, don't leave personal photos, your pornographic collection of naked, Amazon dwarfs or any valuable antiques behind that could be used, broken, lost or stolen by an uncaring tenant. Store them away under lock and key, out of reach of tenants who will rent your home. Renting out your house or flat will give you some money for your new life abroad or pay off the 30-year mortgage, that you signed up to last year. If you only own the clothes you are wearing, then it will be less complicated to move abroad. Many people, who move abroad, sell the contents of their house or store some items. If you want to sell your stuff, advertise it in a newspaper or on the Internet but never publish your address online. I made up many for sale posters and put them on trees, all over the streets where I lived. One man came to my flat and bought everything. If you have pets, you can take them with you or give them away. Dogs and cats are easy, but if you have snakes, spiders or a giraffe, it will be harder to take them with you to your new home abroad.

Before you move away, you will need what Americans call closure. If you feel sad to leave, you will need to convince yourself that it is for the best. You can see all the advantages of moving and tell yourself it is best for you and your family or you can see all the negative aspects of your country. You will be free from the endless commute to work on a train packed, with smelly people, where there are no seats and where train journeys cost you a small fortune. You may be tired of endless immigration, political correctness, political lies, yobs, traffic, the weather and other reasons. The best thing to do, to cope mentally before leaving or before deciding to leave, is to sit down and make a list of everything you love and hate about your country. When you have this list, think about where you are going and why you are going. If the reasons to stay are greater than the reasons to leave, then stay, and the same for logic applies to going. If you move abroad for to live for good, you can always go back home anytime; the world is now a small place.

If you sell up everything and move abroad, it will be hard to move back, but if you let out your house or flat, you will still have a tie and bond to your country. If you have money in the bank and no family, then moving abroad will be easy, if you have a family and no money in the bank, moving abroad will be hard. You will either be the type of person who moves abroad, who keeps links to their country through friends and family or the type of person who moves abroad and abroad and who cuts all links and bonds with their country. Decide what type you are before packing up and leaving. Do very careful financial calculations and if you cannot afford to live in your future chosen country, don't move abroad. The same can be said for health. If you have any allergies to coconuts and you want to move to the island of Wunga-Wunga and the main food there are only coconuts, then you will be very sick. If you or your kids take special medicines, make absolutely sure these medicines can be got in your new country abroad. Make a checklist of all of these issues before finally packing up and moving, or you will have big regrets.

Living abroad

Before you move abroad, research it for several months and have a plan B. It all goes horribly wrong and you don't like living naked, in a forest, living off berries, then you will