The Everything Wedding Etiquette Book: From invites to thank you notes - All you need to handle even the stickiest situations with ease

By Holly Lefevre

Stepfamilies. Children. Remarriages. They can create tricky wedding situations, affecting a bride’s decision-making and etiquette do’s and don’ts. This guide helps modern brides navigate every dilemma. This practical book offers the answers to brides most commonly asked etiquette questions, including:

• “Can I ask my future in-laws to help pay for the reception?”
• “How can I include stepparents in the wedding?”
• “Do I have to invite dates for single guests?”
• “How do I get my mother off my back when planning?”

In addition to these questions, you will find answers to more unique situations such as: “Can I have a child-free wedding?”, “How can I limit alcohol consumption?”, and “What am I supposed to do with my father’s third wife?” Leading you through dilemmas as you will encounter them in your planning, this book is easy to use and understand. From the simplest sticky situation to an all-out family fiasco, this is the go-to resource for everything etiquette.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Release date: Nov 18, 2009
• ISBN: 9781605506876

Holly Lefevre

An Adams Media author.

Book preview

THE

EVERYTHING®

WEDDING ETIQUETTE BOOK

3rd Edition

Dear Reader,

Congratulations on your engagement! Now get ready to enter the wonderful whirlwind of wedding planning! Just wait—you’ll have visions of cakes and gowns and diamonds dancing in your head (no matter how much you try to stop them!).

       It really doesn’t matter how many weddings you have attended or how many times you have been a bridesmaid; it’s a very different story when you are the bride. The glory and the drama are all yours. Trivial details are not so trivial, a flower is not just a flower, and you now realize, yes, there are 100 shades of white— and you can tell the difference between them.

       As a wedding planner, I have seen too many brides dwell on the what-ifs and doubt their choices amidst the din of others’ opinions. For these brides, planning a wedding became a growing source of anxiety, and all the time and money spent planning a beautiful day didn’t buy them the experience of really enjoying it.

       The key is to keep it in perspective and remember that at the end of the day, the ultimate goal is to be married to the one you love.

Happy planning!

1

The EVERYTHING® Series

These handy, accessible books give you all you need to tackle a difficult project, gain a new hobby, or even brush up on something you learned back in school but have since forgotten. You can read from cover to cover or just pick out information from our four useful boxes.

9781605500942_0003_001 Alerts: Urgent warnings

9781605500942_0003_002 Essentials: Quick handy tips

9781605500942_0003_003 Facts: Important snippets of information

9781605500942_0003_004 Questions: Answers to common questions

When you’re done reading, you can finally

say you know EVERYTHING®!

PUBLISHER Karen Cooper

DIRECTOR OF ACQUISITIONS AND INNOVATION Paula Munier

MANAGING EDITOR, EVERYTHING® SERIES Lisa Laing

COPY CHIEF Casey Ebert

ACQUISITIONS EDITOR Katrina Schroeder

DEVELOPMENT EDITOR Elizabeth Kassab

EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Hillary Thompson

EVERYTHING® SERIES COVER DESIGNER Erin Alexander

LAYOUT DESIGNERS Colleen Cunningham, Elisabeth Lariviere,

Ashley Vierra, Denise Wallace

Visit the entire Everything® series at www.everything.com

THE

EVERYTHING®

Wedding

ETIQUETTE

BOOK

3rd Edition

From invites to thank-you notes—all you need

to handle even the stickiest situations with ease

Holly Lefevre

2

Copyright © 2010, 2001, 1995 Simon and Schuster

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-60550-094-1

ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-094-2

eISBN: 978-1-60550-687-6

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the

American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

For Joe and Jules—

I can’t wait to help plan your weddings!

3

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank the following people whose encouragement, insight, and guidance made this book possible: Amberly Finarelli at Andrea Hurst Literary Management for bringing this project to me; Katrina Schroeder at Adams Media for her guidance and for answering all of my questions; Melissa Allen, director of catering and special events at the Ebell of Los Angeles, for her creativity and advice; Cynthia Adkins of A Legendary Affair; Patty Anderson; Christine Cudanes; Mary Sushinski of Occasions Bridal Consulting and Event Design; April Whitney of April Whitney Events; and, of course, my husband, Brett.

TOP TEN THINGS A GRACIOUS BRIDE KNOWS

1. Others may not know proper etiquette, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore it.

2. Be humble. You may be a bride now, but soon you will re-enter life as a mere mortal.

3. Respect tradition, but give it your own personal spin.

4. Mind your manners. Please and thank you will take you a long way.

5. Your friends and family do not work for you but are happy to help you because they love you.

6. Don’t assume anything. Ask questions and get the details in writing.

7. Don’t keep guests waiting and don’t ask them to pay for anything.

8. Treat your vendors kindly and they will do the same for you.

9. Thank-you notes are a must. It is never wrong to express your thanks to your parents, your guests, and your vendors.

10. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. When in doubt, trust yourself.

Contents

Introduction

1. THE Question

The Proposal

A Piece of the Rock

Family Matters

Announcing the Good News

Let the Parties Begin!

2. The Business of Being a Bride

Finding the Right Info

The Planning Path

Working with the Pros

Wedding Planners

A Little Help, Please

3. Foundations of Planning

The Big Day

The Guest List

Guest Limitations

The Perfect Place

Destination Weddings

Who Needs Guests?

4. Money Matters

Crunching the Numbers

Who Pays for What

Creative Financing

Quick Cash Savers

Contracts

Hey, Big Tipper

5. The Supporting Cast

Selecting the Wedding Party

Attendants’ Duties

The Little Ones

Attendant Dilemmas

6. Playing Dress Up

The When, What, and Why of Dress

The Bride

The Bridesmaids

The Groom and His Men

The Parents

7. Spectacular Soirées

Who Are All These People?

The Bridal Shower

Bridesmaids’ Teas

The Bridal Registry

Beyond China and Towels

8. The Paper Trail

Mark Your Calendars

Invitations 101

What (and What Not) to Say

You Are Cordially Invited

Please, Mr. Postman

9. Getting to I Do

Types of Ceremonies

Rules and Rituals of Marriage

The Officiant

Licenses and Legalities

Global Customs

10. I Now Pronounce You

Planning the Ceremony

Get Me to the Church on Time

Ceremony Seating

The Processional

The Recessional

11. Greeting the Guests

The Rehearsal

The Rehearsal Dinner

Transportation Conundrums

A Warm Welcome

The Party Begins . . .The Party Continues

Thank You for Coming

12. The Celebration

Planning the Reception

The Reception Venue

Grilling the Caterer

The Menu

Spirits

13. Places, Please

The Seating Plan

Places of Honor

Modern Seating

Not-So-Musical Chairs

Seating the Kids

Seating the Vendors

14. Traditions

Hello, Goodbye

Cheers!

May I Have This Dance?

Let Them Eat Cake

Toss It!

New Ways to Wed

15. The Wedding Puzzle

The Wedding-Day Itinerary

Vendor Confirmation

Picture Perfect

Preparing for the Wedding Day

16. The Best Laid Plans

All Dressed Up and . . . Whoops!

It’s a Bridal Emergency!

Weather Watch

Last-Minute Whoopsies

Headaches and Heartbreaks

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

17. When the Party’s Over

Countdown to Paradise

Tipping While Traveling

Gifts: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Thank You! Thank You!

To Change or Not to Change

Get It in Print

18. Double Take

Announcing the Engagement

Planning the Event

Tackling the Issues

Reaffirmation and Renewals

The Guest List

Introduction

Trying on gowns, tasting cakes, breaking open the bubbly—talk about the time of your life! Go ahead and enjoy. Dive into that stack of bridal magazines and hop on the web to surf every fantastic wedding website—but remember you will eventually have to come to terms with the realities of wedding planning.

Planning a wedding can be a little overwhelming and slightly perplexing. Not only do you have a hundred different things to worry about, but your mother, future mother-in-law, and just about everyone you know is probably trying to tell you the right and wrong way to do things. Everyone, it seems, is an expert on weddings. So what’s a well-meaning bride to do? If you’ve never planned a wedding, how can you be expected to know what is and isn’t proper? Even if you have planned a wedding before, the definition of proper may be quite different than it was the first time.

Armed with the right information, you have the opportunity to take control of your wedding and the challenges that come with it. You can steer clear of the faux pas that have plagued so many brides. You can avoid the trap of doing things just because you think it is expected or because you think it must be okay if someone else did it. There’s no need to rely on maybes and what-ifs when the dos and don’ts of proper wedding etiquette are at your fingertips.

How do you determine what is proper? The basic principle of etiquette can be summed up simply as the idea of not offending, embarrassing, or upsetting others. While many questions of etiquette are simply a matter of common sense, other situations can be dealt with through consideration, communication, and a little kindness.

Marrying the complexities of wedding planning with the graciousness of etiquette is where The Everything Il_9781605500942_0013_001 Wedding Etiquette Book comes in. This book will tell you how to solve contemporary etiquette dilemmas through practical advice while answering some of the most commonly asked wedding etiquette questions. Most importantly, this book recognizes that the world is an ever-changing place and that there are no hard and fast rules of etiquette anymore—what’s right for one bride may not be right for another. Many questions, especially those dealing with today’s complicated family dynamics, have no single correct answer; solutions to these types of dilemmas depend upon the particulars of each situation.

Throughout The Everything Il_9781605500942_0013_001 Wedding Etiquette Book, the different aspects of planning and etiquette will be addressed with modern advice and answers that make sense in today’s world. This guide also pays attention to traditional etiquette so that even your grandmother will be happy. While it is designed to relieve some of the stress associated with wedding planning, it will also give you advice and insights on how to plan a fabulous wedding. Within these pages you will find the answers to any type of etiquette dilemma you and your fiancé may face. Keep this book handy and you’ll have the proper tools for dealing with any challenges that may come your way.

Congratulations, good luck, and enjoy!

CHAPTER 1

THE Question

Will you marry me? Did you have any idea how quickly your life would be transformed when you were asked THE question? Visions of cakes, dresses, and champagne flutes are dancing in your head—a true sign that you are now a bride-to-be! Soon after announcing your wonderful news, you are setting a date, registering for gifts, and attending your engagement party. It is a whirlwind of activity, and quite possibly one of the most fun and fabulous times of your life.

The Proposal

An inspired proposal makes a great lifelong memory and begins your amazing wedding adventure. When it comes to asking for a hand in marriage, getting down on bended knee is so yesterday. Popping the question is a creative endeavor; airplane banners, billboards, radio dedications, webcasts, television commercials, and even scavenger hunts are the new norm. However, traditionalists need not be intimidated. Heartfelt words, poems, and love letters never go out of style.

Who Should Ask?

My boyfriend has hinted that he wants to get married, and he’s even been ring shopping, but he still has not proposed. Can I propose to him? You can certainly propose to him. Just be prepared; if he is a traditionalist, it may take him some time to adjust to the role reversal. Ultimately you know your fiancé well enough to anticipate his reaction, and if you are comfortable and confident with popping the question yourself, go for it! However, if you think he has been ring shopping, he may already have some plans in the works, so your patience may pay off.

Permission, Please

My fiancé and I agreed to get married before talking it over with my parents. Will they be upset that he didn’t consult them before proposing? In this day and age it is highly unusual for parents to frown on a man’s failure to ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage. However, you know your parents better than anyone else, and if they are the traditional type, you may have some explaining to do. Generally if your parents are informed of the engagement promptly after the proposal, there should be no hard feelings.

A Piece of the Rock

Oh, the ring! You have dreamed about it, looked for it, and waited for it. It is amazing how such a little thing can have such a huge impact on your life. Just like all the other facets of a wedding, with the ring come myriad questions, ideas, and expectations. You must research the options to make an informed decision about this important purchase.

The Engagement Ring

How do I go about making sure that I get the ring I want without appearing as if the ring is the most important part of the engagement? Many men put a great deal of effort into the quest for an engagement ring, so your best bet is to discuss the matter openly with your fiancé, making him aware of your concerns. Explain how important it is that you find a good ring, since it will be your most treasured possession. No doubt, he’ll quickly realize that your emphasis on this major purchase is well warranted.

9781605500942_0003_001 Alert

An engagement ring is a major investment and a valuable piece of jewelry. In order to protect this investment from any sort of loss, be sure to contact your homeowners or renters insurance company and have the ring added to your policy right away.

How much should an engagement ring cost? There is the modern myth that the cost of a ring should equal two months’ salary. The truth is some couples have an open-ended budget for the ring and others are just happy to have any ring. What is important is what the ring means to you and to your fiancé, not its price tag. An engagement ring