Tragedy and Self-Destruction as Humor in Microliterature, Volume 2

By Anthony Edward Mitchell

Tragedy and Self-Destruction shows how microliterature entertains, informs and persuades in its treatment of everyday life and the extremes of the human condition. An anthology of the best material from the first nine years of microblogging, the book’s quotes about school, job-seeking, work, business communication, unemployment, aging, loss of attractiveness, death, poverty, Internet addiction, and the disappearance of privacy are both funny and profound. Find your own situation reflected and perhaps re-defined through humor. Learn how to be more entertaining, succinct and persuasive in a range of situations. Become more subliminal, ironic and sublime.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anthony Edward Mitchell
• Release date: Oct 18, 2015
• ISBN: 9780990789123

Anthony Edward Mitchell

Born in the basement and never brought up.

Book preview

1. Content warning

Given its ubiquity in media and culture, some material quoted here contains adult language and situations – mostly swearing. In addition, the chapter about American military experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan contains brief descriptions of violence, cruelty and death. While not overly graphic, these descriptions will upset some readers.

Those of us who seek to avoid adult content and language should be respected. We should also be alerted, beforehand, if a book might be inappropriate or offensive to us so that we can decide whether to continue. If reading adult language and content is not appropriate for you, for whatever reason, then this book is not appropriate for you.

See also: Citation information and additional qualifiers and warnings.

Sections 2 through 113 can be found in the first volume of this two-volume work.

114. The Workplace

Your fabulous career.

15 January 2013 The Bosha ‏@TheBosha [^114.1] https://twitter.com/TheBosha/status/291418109640835072 His bio and stats on 4 May 2013: You little punks think you own this town. http://thebosha.tumblr.com/ · http://www.witstream.com/#jim_bosha - 15,076 tweets. 556 following. 12,587 followers.

Introduction: 115

General complaints: 116

Bosses, negative: 117

Social environment: 118

Customer management: 119

How to deal with angry people: 120

How to negotiate: 121

Issues with other employees: 122

Slacking: 123

Working from home, quitting, and not working: 124

Inequality and class: 125

Elizabeth Warren: 126

Reducing inequality helps everyone: 127

Sexual politics: 128

School, how it prepares you: 129

Pedagogy and the economics of education: 130

The internship economy: 131

Academia and its discontents: 132

Recruiting and HR: 133

Economics: 134

Twenty lessons from the Great Recession: 135

Business communication: 136

Meetings: 137

Shaking hands: 138

Meeting new people and being punctual: 139

Coping and productivity: 140

Leadership: 141

Axioms: 142

Appendix — four traps that suck meaning out of work: 143

115. Introduction

Workplaces are intensely social environments. Fit in or perish.

Educational institutions often do a poor job in preparing students for a life of work. Training in supervisory skills is shoddy or lacking. We are unprepared to supervise or be supervised. The result? Toxic leadership, dysfunctional organizations and tortured individuals.

In software development, the best developers are often the most critical – of themselves and others. Promoting these people to supervisory positions spreads their negativity around, poisoning the workplace. A truism is that employees don’t leave jobs, they leave supervisors.

Whither innovation? Innovation is widely touted and little understood. Innovation and scientific research have been broken into little pieces and industrialized. Individuals perform discrete, repetitive tasks within narrow fields of expertise. The larger picture is lost to us.

We are the last generation to understand how information technology works. In the future, the technical building blocks of information technology will be so complex as to preclude a single individual from mastering them all. These are not the conditions under which history’s greatest inventors flourished.

For Leonardo Da Vinci:

The type of education Da Vinci received, mentor-disciple, is almost non-existent today. The kind of personality he had, free-flowing (procrastinating and whimsical) and curious, is not suited to the current society’s reward structure; in fact, its discourage by all but the very best of the schools.

The indendented paragraph above is a comment by Naman Kumar (Namank.com) posted on 16 July 2011 in response to the following article, which also contributed ideas to the two paragraphs on innovation (above Naman’s comment) and the paragraph below on schools being an endurance test: Why there will never be another Da Vinci, by Tim Harford on his blog TimHarford.com, 9 July 2011, http://timharford.com/2011/07/why-there-will-never-be-another-da-vinci/ Bolding added for emphasis above.

Twitter screen name, ID, bio and stats on 22 August 2013 for Tim Harford @TimHarford [^115.2] Author of Adapt; Undercover Economist at the FT; presenter of More or Less, Radio 4. (Email v/ website is best for important messages.) Views my own, of course. Location: Oxford · timharford.com. 22,032 tweets. 512 following. 69,836 followers.

Twitter screen name, ID, bio and stats on 22 August 2013 for namankumar @naman_k [^115.1] a bit o' this and lots of that. this involves engineering, that involves redesigning the world; THAT involves redesigning people. Location: waterloo, canada. namank.com. 3,335 tweets. 299 following. 283 followers.

Da Vinci was not a formal surname but rather a descriptive term to distinguish Leonardo from others with the same name. Any children Leonardo might have had would not have Da Vinci in their name.

There's a box?

15 October 2013 Friedrice Nietzsche ‏@TinyNietzsche [^115.3] https://twitter.com/TinyNietzsche/status/390209406303883264 Twitter bio and stats on 30 December 2013 for this parody account: Will to power less. Location: Prussia · twitter.com/TinyJesus - 17,120 tweets. 729 following. 28,655 followers. Plays on the saw: Think outside the box.

The time and money spent attending school can sometimes yield few returns. Schools can make important subjects mind-numbingly boring so as to weed students out. The study of math, engineering and science becomes an endurance test, a death march in which only the stubborn survive. The first to perish are often those motivated largely by curiosity and the joy of learning and discovery – the very people those fields of knowledge need in order to advance.

The topic of education is buried in the middle of this chapter on the workplace, which mainly addresses the social aspects of employment. This chapter looks at working, supervising and being supervised. It salvages humor from customer relations and sexual politics in the workplace.

Overshadowing everyone is the fear of poverty and economic hardship, which this chapter approaches from both individual and global perspectives. Microbloggers describe their experiences with poverty and the fears associated with falling into it. The existence of a large underclass has a chilling effect because it shows how easy it would be for us to fall into. Even educated professionals can become displaced.

Tried to comfort myself by telling myself I could live in my car if my life fell apart but then remembered I don't actually have a car.

21 June 2011 Sputnik Sweetheart @Verlieren [^115.4] https://twitter.com/#!/Verlieren/status/83360334827622400 Her bio and stats on 14 November 2012: Creator of Google, previously psychotic person. Not to make you fall in love with me but I probably don't have AIDS. http://tinyurl.com/verinstagram - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001856/ - 11,012 tweets. 548 following. 14,712 followers. She was not an educated professional at the time.

Despite this chapter’s cynicism, we all have a stake in a building a sustainable economy. Amidst the tragedy and self-destruction below is a search for the ingredients for a healthy economy and healthy people.

RETURN TO THE BEGINNING OF VOLUME TWO

116. General complaints

Oh hai work.

We've got to stop meeting like this.

No, really. I don't care for you *that* much.

16 June 2009 @penbleth [^116.1] (Penbleth) From N.I. now in Wales. On Favrd. URL lost. Her Twitter screen name, ID, bio and stats on 23 August 2013: Penbleth @penbleth - Not making sense, one word at a time. Life with a kid with Autism: http://penbleth.co.uk More nonsense: http://penbleth.com Photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/penbleth - One day I'll get it right. · penbleth.co.uk. 13,866 tweets. 510 following. 1,432 followers. N.I. = Northern Ireland.

Hollywood overestimates the amount of times people get so angry that they just have to sweep everything off their desk

26 September 2011 Manish ‏@savvystrider [^116.2] https://twitter.com/savvystrider/status/118291158823735296 His Twitter bio and stats on 4 August 2013: I like everything you like. Location: Not there · http://favstar.fm/users/savvystrider/recent - 3,314 tweets. 7,304 following. 7,268 followers.

every day is like halloween. i dress in dumb shit and take candy from strangers.

23 October 2011 mrs. uppinghouse @omgitsleesa [^116.3] https://twitter.com/#!/omgitsleesa/status/128018197000617984 She started as leesa @omgitsleesa, which was de-activated. Returned as lmf @leesmf. In September 2011 began tweeting from both accounts. Both accounts appear to have been de-activated in early April 2012. She was in the New York City metropolitan area.

A plague of toils.

25 October 2012 Rob Thomas ‏@RobotThomas [^116.4] https://twitter.com/RobotThomas/status/261390536651444224 His bio and stats on 13 November 2012: i was born 'n stuff. Location: Hanging out in my garage. http://favstar.fm/users/RobotThomas - 33,147 tweets. 6,053 following. 5,597 followers.

The first days are the hardest days. Once you're dead inside, the days get much easier.

17 May 2011 Donni Saphire [^116.5] https://twitter.com/#!/donni/status/70382386856206336 His bio and stats on 4 November 2012: Comedy sand wedge. Writer, performer, fledgling opener, packet submitter. Host of TwitTalkers (http://twittalkers.com). Sea cows probably never see cows. Location: Chicago City Of Wind · http://qr.net/donni - 9,640 tweets. 839 following. 25,773 followers.

Be the monotony.

27 April 2012 Friedrich Nietzsche ‏@TinyNietzsche [^116.6] https://twitter.com/#!/TinyNietzsche/status/195940689064902656 Twitter bio and stats on 17 June 2013 for this parody account: Will to power less. Location: Prussia · twitter.com/TinyJesus - 13,921 tweets. 571 following. 22,555 followers. Parody account.

My work here is dumb.

23 February 2011 Shane @shanethevein [^116.7] https://twitter.com/#!/shanethevein/status/40473549672030208 His bio and stats on 28 October 2012: Twitter should be an escape, not a destination. http://favstar.fm/users/shanethevein Location: America's Finest City! · http://shanethevein.tumblr.com/ - 21,001 tweets. 5,385 following. 16,054 followers.

It's not the work, it's the people.

7 November 2011 Pauly Miller @PaulyMortadella [^116.8] https://twitter.com/#!/PaulyMortadella/status/133764483804954624 No Twitter account found with this ID on 18 March 2013.

I'm so much nicer on days I don't have to do things for people I hate.

7 January 2012 Master Shake ‏@ExcuseMyTweets [^116.9] https://twitter.com/excusemytweets/status/155637822668292096 Her bio and follower count on 4 June 2012: I'm an oxymoron of empathy and cynicism. Human rights pacifist. Oh, and inappropriate jokes are sort of my thing. 3,849 followers. Twitter bio and stats on 21 November 2013: I dislike most things. IG:SomeoneStopHer - 37,982 tweets. 2,196 following. 5,620 followers.

I am a tool that hates itself.

8 December 2011 Ms. Spalanzani @rejecter [^116.10] https://twitter.com/#!/rejecter/status/144736725476982784 Her bio and stats on 19 December 2012: Commie hoochie trollop. Subterfugitive. 17,014 tweets. 267 following. 4,547 followers. Her Twitter bio and stats on 24 September 2013: She can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad. Location: Västerås. 19,573 tweets. 300 following. 4,400 followers.

All I have to do before I finish this project is bargaining, depression, acceptance, and the project.

22 June 2009 @ErsatzMoe [^116.11] (Moe) from ÜT on Favrd. URL lost. No Twitter account with this ID found on 23 August 2013.

an unknown error has occured, it is now sunday evening

10 November 2013 Albertus ‏@vyfdewiel [^116.12] https://twitter.com/vyfdewiel/status/399568912691384320 Bio and stats on 14 November 2013: a face you can trust. Location: South Africa. 43 tweets. 227 following. 77 followers.

@daveweigel Europe: 35-hour workweek. America: 35-hour Monday & Tuesday.

13 September 2011 Garance Franke-Ruta @thegarance [^116.13] https://twitter.com/#!/thegarance/status/113863203053764608 Her Twitter bio and stats on 23 August 2013: Senior editor, @TheAtlantic. Your early warning system. Politics, media, breaking. Location: Washington, D.C. · theatlantic.com. 30,661 tweets. 4,202 following. 30,836 followers.

I watched Monday crying in the corner, no longer the bully it once was, having lost its power over me now that I'd started working on Sunday

Monday 16 April 2012 Very Short Story @VeryShortStory [^116.14] https://twitter.com/#!/VeryShortStory/status/191945145061613568 Bio and stats on 31 January 2013: Twitter sized fiction. Stories by @sean_hill. Send me a noun and I'll use the ones that inspire me in a story. Get the book http://amzn.to/VeryShortStories - Location: Austin, Tx · http://www.very-short-story.com - 1,136 tweets. 40,553 following. 145,010 followers.

Sunday night is the new Monday morning

10:28 p.m. PDT, Sunday 4 August 2013 seattle ‏@jseattle [^116.15] https://twitter.com/jseattle/status/364256534865256448 Bio: Justin, publisher, CHS Capitol Hill Seattle Blog -- DM or @ for breaking news or txt/call [phone]. Location: Seattle, WA 98112 · capitolhillseattle.com - 39,100 tweets. 2,812 following. 10,504 followers.

In the US tech sector and for many self-employed professionals, Sunday night is often spent working, although rarely in an office. Justin (the ‘j’ in @jseattle) worked at Microsoft before launching his hyper-local news publication.

So it's the weekend, I have decided not to work late today and now I don't know what to do with my life.

30 August 2013 Maham Ali ‏@Mahamali05 [^116.16] https://twitter.com/Mahamali05/status/373531048350449664 Her Twitter bio and stats on 4 September 2013: Not a Human Rights Activist. 25,349 tweets. 158 following. 4,669 followers.

The difference between a job and career? A job ends when you walk out each day. A career comes home with you, physically and mentally

22 June 2011 Jeremiah Owyang @jowyang [^116.17] https://twitter.com/#!/jowyang/status/83638879122497536 His bio and stats on 18 November 2012: Industry Analyst, Partner at Altimeter Group. Some tweets publish on timer. How I use Twitter http://bit.ly/LK0i - Location: Silicon Valley, CA · http://web-strategist.com/blog - 36,460 tweets. 13,132 following. 115,905 followers. Bio and stats on 27 April 2015: Founder of http://CrowdCompanies.com @CrowdCompanies, and housemate to @goodboyrumba – Location: Silicon Valley, CA - web-strategist.com/blog - 57,709 tweets. 18,513 following. 161,010 followers.

Work Hard, Play Dead.

28 September 2013 MajorFlakes ‏@MajorFlakes[^116.18] https://twitter.com/MajorFlakes/status/384084905430224896 Twitter bio and stats on 28 September 2013: I'm probably afraid of you. (RIP @MajorFlake). Location: Eeeeeeeee · com.com.com. 190 tweets. 122 following. 270 followers.

My biggest fear is that one day the cleaning lady will forget to wake me up and lock me in the office.

30 July 2012 dudi sharon ‏@Thedudish [^116.19] https://twitter.com/Thedudish/status/230001104153374720 His bio and stats on 17 January 2013: I wish I had the ability to read my own mind. Location: Under the fridge · http://favstar.fm/users/thedudish/recent - 936 tweets. 774 following. 6,608 followers.

Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible. –jobs

22 June 2011 Will Phillips @TheThryll [^116.20] https://twitter.com/#!/TheThryll/status/83637603806609408 His bio and stats on 17 January 2013: Handsome. Unemployed. Handsome. Ken Burns enthusiast. Location: Parts Unknown. 3,304 tweets. 742 following. 15,869 followers.

Click This Link Please My Boss Counts How Many People Click It and Compares It To The Number of People who Click My Coworkers' Links

9 December 2013 Mal Harris ‏@BigMeanInternet [^116.21] https://twitter.com/BigMeanInternet/status/410145340315422720 Bio and stats on 21 January 2014: @newinquiry | ain't a real writer | RT'd by Justin 4/1/2013 | BieberFan420 on http://Chess.com – Location: Brooklyn · thenewinquiry.com – 30,589 tweets. 1,305 following. 4,875 followers.

Reply:

@BigMeanInternet At Change(dot)org, there was one shared Google Analytics page which listed each editor's weekly hits. And we were Judged.

9 December 2013 Charles Davis ‏@charliearchy [^116.22] https://twitter.com/charliearchy/status/410148309047586816 Bio and stats on 21 January 2014: A contributor to society. [charles (at) http://freecharlesdavis.com ] Location: Los Angeles, California · FreeCharlesDavis.com – 17,624 tweets, 261 following. 4,247 followers.

I hate to break it to you but clams aren't all that happy.

24 February 2012 Not the Lord ‏ @byronblurb [^116.23] https://twitter.com/#!/byronblurb/status/173233432720191488 His bio and stats on 2 November 2012: skilled at the art of changing the subject; unlimited fountain of useless nonsense; usually able to finish 2 cheeseburgers with no problem. Location: Close enough to come visit. · http://www.favstar.fm/users/byronblurb/recent - 10,007 tweets. 5,593 following. 6,024 followers.

Plays on happy as clams, an idiom that originated on the East Coast of the US. It replaced its precursors, happy as a clam in high water and happy as a clam in high tide in 1830-1840. High water protects clams by making them hard to see by clam diggers, who would also be unlikely to walk out into the water during a high tide because the tide might sweep them away.

My work environment would be much more serene if I could stop screaming.

18 July 2011 Chris Angel @TheChrisAngel [^116.24] https://twitter.com/#!/TheChrisAngel/status/92910593077547008 Twitter bio and stats on 18 July 2012: Recording artist. Singer/Songwriter. Eater of Skittles. My wife married an idiot. My name is Chris. Location: Ottawa. 16,906 tweets. 695 following. 5,671 followers. No account with this ID found on 8 June 2013.

The great thing about working in a cubicle is nobody can see you crying!

16 December 2011 Josh S ‏@jorshuwah [^116.25] https://twitter.com/jorshuwah/status/147787813084078080 His bio and stats on 28 March 2013: favstar.fm/users/jorshuwah – Location: Sydney, Australia. · jorshuwah.tumblr.com - 2,254 tweets. 996 following. 1,909 followers.

Crying at work is the most demoralizing thing you can do.

2 July 2012 Veronica ‏@RoniGrace - https://twitter.com/RoniGrace/status/219842452784295937 Bio and stats on 7 July 2012: I've started an empire; it may or may not be evil. I write stories. Some of them are erotic. 39,974 tweets. 1,366 following. 4,261 followers. Twittercided and returned on 17 July 2012 as Veronica Grace ‏@ronigrace [^116.26]. On 7 August 2013 her second account (@ronigrace) was found to have been abandoned and the ID taken over by someone else.

No matter how busy I get, I set aside 2 or 3 hours a day for my hobbies of eating and sleeping.

12 October 2010 donni @donni [^116.27] https://twitter.com/#!/donni/status/27212781548 His bio and stats on 4 November 2012: Comedy sand wedge. Writer, performer, fledgling opener, packet submitter. Host of TwitTalkers (http://twittalkers.com). Sea cows probably never see cows. Location: Chicago City Of Wind · http://qr.net/donni - 9,640 tweets. 839 following. 25,773 followers.

I almost did this stupid thing at work where I think for myself.

3 April 2012 nerdamage ‏@nerdamage [^116.28] https://twitter.com/#!/nerdamage/status/187364429061558272 His bio and stats on 28 October 2012: I tweet so you don't have to. http://soundcloud.com/nerdamage - 14,015 tweets. 3,128 following. 9,547 followers.

Mediocrity is not only tolerated, it's celebrated!

6 June 2012 midtowngirl ‏@_Midtowngirl [^116.29] https://twitter.com/_Midtowngirl/status/210572019811631104 Bio and stats on 16 March 2013: Investment Banking.100% Nerd. @Columbia alumni. Native NY'er (Born & Raised on the Upper West Side) with typical cynical outlook on life only true NYers have. Location: Midtown, Manhattan. 11,091 tweets. 179 following. 499 followers.

Go away, mosquito. I've already had the blood drained out of me by my job.

3 September 2011 Steve Mieczkowski @IGotsSmarts [^116.30] https://twitter.com/#!/IGotsSmarts/status/109880980495540224 His Twitter bio and stats on 20 October 2012: I only have 26 letters to work with. Don't expect any miracles. Location: Albuquerque, NM http://favstar.fm/users/IGotsSmarts/recent - 4,327 tweets. 793 following. 9,276 followers.

I’m running on zero sleep and don’t even remember driving. Shit! I don’t even work at this place.

15 February 2012 Calamity ClemRocks @TrueTorontoGirl [^116.31] https://twitter.com/#!/TrueTorontoGirl/status/169774980589035521 Her bio and stats on 30 October 2012: I am ASS whatever.... Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada · http://favstar.fm/users/TrueTorontoGirl - 19,538 tweets. 1,187 following. 12,323 followers.

I don't mean to brag, but I kick ASS at not dying on my way home from work every night. EVERY NIGHT.

6 December 2010 Kelly T @ISaidDont [^116.32] https://twitter.com/#!/ISaidDont/status/11964684739543041 She was in Vancouver, BC. Her Twitter bio and stats on 23 August 2013: Seriously, don't. And don't touch my stuff either. Location: Vancouver, America Jr. · favstar.fm/users/ISaidDont - 15,049 tweets. 987 following. 2,844 followers.

Just a reminder: creativity is important, but not yours. Never yours.

4 June 2009 Dean Cameron Allen @textism [^116.33] https://twitter.com/#!/textism/status/2031023776 His bio and stats on 22 November 2012: Hooray chums! Location: Rhône Valley, FR · http://textism.com - 1,882 tweets. 151 following. 5,123 followers.

Thanks for the alienation.

13 November 2012 Rob Thomas ‏@RobotThomas [^116.34] https://twitter.com/RobotThomas/status/268590092837347328

His bio: i was born 'n stuff. Location: Hanging out in my garage. http://favstar.fm/users/RobotThomas - 33,147 tweets. 6,053 following. 5,597 followers.

A blind and deaf monkey could do my job.

13 July 2012 Janelle ‏@Cornfed210 [^116.35] https://twitter.com/Cornfed210/status/223849992769646594 Her Twitter bio and stats on 27 July 2012: Don't expect much and you won't be let down. Location: North Carolina. 428 tweets. 221 following. 180 followers. No Twitter account with this ID found on 23 August 2013.

I love my job as much as I love you.

5 April 2012 Jerzey Bitch!‏ @JerseyShell1 [^116.36] https://twitter.com/#!/JerseyShell1/status/187939377299718146 Her Twitter screen name, bio and stats on 23 August 2013: Jerzey @JerseyShell1 - I just tweet about real stuff that happens in life...some of it funny, some not so funny...You have been warned...If you don't like it, leave.... - Location: Mutha Fuckin' Jerzey. 23,220 tweets. 1,424 following. 1,476 followers.

I'm definitely not married to my work. I know this because it's fucking me.

22 January 2011 Bill Mc7 ‏@BillMc7 [^116.37] https://twitter.com/BillMc7/status/29063220169805824 His bio and stats on 14 December 2012: Writer for Ladies' Home Journal and Penthouse Forum. Location: Los Angeles · http://favstar.fm/users/BillMc7 - 5,933 tweets. 1,238 following. 31,033 followers.

I silently mouth the words What the fuck? at least 20 times a day.

28 June 2012 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^116.38] https://twitter.com/Schmoodles/status/218314297053417473 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

Goal for today: Don’t Cry.

1 October 2012 Pelsjas ‏@elsaPelsjas [^116.39] https://twitter.com/elsaPelsjas/status/253021357649039360 Her bio and stats on 14 November 2012: I take half the stuffing out of soft toys because no one is allowed to be THAT happy and then I write copy for ads. Location: Cape Town, South-Africa · http://pelsjas.wordpress.com - 10,223 tweets. 1,918 following. 1,773 followers.

When I was a little girl, there were lots of things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Crack Whore was higher on the list than the job I do now.

3 October 2011 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^116.40] https://twitter.com/#!/Schmoodles/status/120946563731300352 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

When I grow up I wanna be a divorced father of two who works in a cubicle, lives in a subdivision and gets stressed out about gas mileage.

28 April 2011 Adam Juskewitch @juskewitch [^116.41] https://twitter.com/#!/juskewitch/status/63640973992923136 Twitter bio and stats on 15 June 2013: Every night I steal the little gnome figurine from my neighbor's yard and replace it with a gnome that's identical but one inch taller. http://witstream.com/contributor/Adam_Juskewitch - 7,222 tweets. 681 following. 10,931 followers.

I specifically asked for the graveyard shift because I am dead inside.

30 September 2011 Tina Chesal @tinaisall [^116.42] https://twitter.com/#!/tinaisall/status/25981810399 Twitter bio and stats on 18 June 2013: You are so pretty. Instagram: tinaisall. Location: New York/London/Paris/Tokyo · duhbytina.com - 6,892 tweets. 1,021 following. 6,330 followers.

Most people don't realize the Hunchback of Notre Dame's back problems were a result of his grueling database entry job.

23 May 2012 Jeremy Wetzel ‏@WetzelGeek [^116.43] https://twitter.com/WetzelGeek/status/205383233842581504 Twitter bio and stats on 24 August 2013: The only business talk here is inspired by poop jokes, and fart sounds. Location: Washington DC · http://favstar.fm/users/WetzelGeek/ - 1,483 tweets. 530 following. 3,336 followers.

Some days I just stand here at work and think how bad could prison really be?

27 June 2012 Cocky McCockerson ‏@Randy_was_here [^116.44] https://twitter.com/Randy_was_here/status/218040518947520515 His Twitter bio and stats on 24 August 2013: Foul mouthed fitness geek, nascar fan, wetter of milf panties, married to @KimberlyH315 so behave. Location: Club Vanderrsexxx · http://favstar.fm/users/Randy_was_here - 19,480 tweets. 2,519 following. 2,263 followers. On 24 August 2013 this was his top tweet on Favstar.

My performance review is like a parole hearing. I'll just sit there nodding, say sorry a dozen times and go right back to my cell.

13 October 2011 *ecorno* @ecorno2 [^116.45] https://twitter.com/#!/ecorno2/status/124485381046550528 Bio and stats on 8 November 2012: Se non è vero, è ben trovato. Sogni d'oro. Godetevi lo spettacolo. 5,400 tweets. 1,049 following. 5,318 followers.

We're sorry, but your services are no longer needed.

You may collect your personal items from the bottom of the dumpster.

5 July 2011 Jocelyn TestesHarder @FilthyRichmond [^116.46] https://twitter.com/#!/FilthyRichmond/status/88234536592355328 Twitter bio and stats on 5 March 2013 for Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond - Kiss Mommy's cold sore and make it better! #RVA http://FilthyRichmond.com Location: Richmond, VA · http://favstar.fm/users/filthyrichmond/recent - 9,914 tweets. 3,384 following. 65,783 followers.

If you work for one company long enough, eventually you will find a way to sue them.

2 September 2011 Will Phillips @TheThryll [^116.47] https://twitter.com/#!/TheThryll/status/109744817252208640 His bio and stats on 17 January 2013: Handsome. Unemployed. Handsome. Ken Burns enthusiast. Location: Parts Unknown. 3,304 tweets. 742 following. 15,869 followers.

Companies love misery.

25 April 2012 Peter Serafinowicz ‏@serafinowicz [^116.48] https://twitter.com/#!/serafinowicz/status/195118159878037504 Bio and stats on 22 March 2013: Male actress and comedienne. A Billion Jokes (Volume One) is out now! http://amzn.to/RJiu2S - Location: Earth's Core · http://www.peterserafinowicz.com/ - 17,571 tweets. 2,917 following. 684,985 followers.

Instead of misery loves company.

RETURN TO THE BEGINNING OF VOLUME TWO

117. Bosses, negative

I run the machine that runs the machines.

6 December 2010 donni @donni [^117.1] https://twitter.com/#!/donni/status/12008072155234305 His bio and stats on 4 November 2012: Comedy sand wedge. Writer, performer, fledgling opener, packet submitter. Host of TwitTalkers (http://twittalkers.com). Sea cows probably never see cows. Location: Chicago City Of Wind · http://qr.net/donni - 9,640 tweets. 839 following. 25,773 followers.

Spent the day doing typical business stuff. Shaking hands in front of globes, mostly.

28 June 2011 Tim Siedell @badbanana [^117.2] https://twitter.com/#!/badbanana/status/85792663818866691 His bio and stats on 13 November 2012: Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire. Location: Nebraska, USA · http://about.me/timsiedell - 14,736 tweets. 270 following. 625,020 followers.

These cats aren't going to herd themselves.

16 August 2013 Trey Darley ‏@treyka [^117.3] https://twitter.com/treyka/status/368495872880807937 Twitter bio: jack-of-all-trades; vehement pragmatist; bit-flipper; voracious inquirer; private pilot; husband; father; philosopher without portfolio. Location: Brussels, Belgium · treyka.net/about/ - 8,115 tweets. 827 following. 873 followers.

More I study the Marine's war in the South Pacific, I believe victories were not due to senior level leadership but rather in spite of it.

13 October 2012 Michael Ross ‏@mrossletters [^117.4] https://twitter.com/mrossletters/status/257164817700364288

His bio: Former Mossad ops officer. Served in NE, Africa and Asia for 11 years, and the Mossad's CT liaison officer to the CIA and FBI for 2.5 years. Pacifists kill me. Location: Vancouver, Canada · http://itunes.apple.com/ca/book/the-volunteer/id415646709?mt=11 701 tweets. 211 following. 301 followers.

The United States entered the Second World War with the fifth largest navy in the world. The US Navy was outnumbered two-to-one in the battle of Midway and several other early engagements in the Pacific War.

If you ask a manager what exactly he does, he'll point out to all those innumerable emails he has been spamming everybody with

12 April 2013 The Bad Doctor ‏@doctoratlarge [^117.5] https://twitter.com/doctoratlarge/status/322930214311182337 Bio: I'm the doctor nobody warned you about. Also, I hate assholes - because I couldn't become one. http://doctoratlarge.wordpress.com/ - 37,111 tweets. 295 following. 17,522 followers.

Then:

A manager is someone who has somehow convinced the organization that they need to pay him a lot of money to do nothing

12 April 2013 The Bad Doctor ‏@doctoratlarge [^117.6] https://twitter.com/doctoratlarge/status/322933286160719872 Bio: I'm the doctor nobody warned you about. Also, I hate assholes - because I couldn't become one. http://doctoratlarge.wordpress.com/ - 37,111 tweets. 295 following. 17,522 followers.

" There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright

25 September 2012 Mike Joubert ‏@brandsrock [^117.7] https://twitter.com/brandsrock/status/250640832099663872 His bio and stats on 27 September 2012: rainmakers, matchmakers & caretakers. Location: Cape Town · http://www.brandsrock.com - 6,419 tweets. 404 following. 2,124 followers.

Twitter bio and stats on 24 August 2013 for Steven Wright @StevenWright [^117.8] I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. stevenwright.com. 73 tweets. 12 following. 46,270 followers.

Dale Carnegie's 'How To Win Friends And Influence People' would be better named 'How To Be a Slimy Shallow Manipulative Asshole'

22 September 2013 The Bad Doctor ‏@doctoratlarge [^117.9] https://twitter.com/doctoratlarge/status/381704685859504128 Bio: If you laugh at the world, it hates you. If you take yourself seriously, it laughs at you. I think the former state is preferable. doctoratlarge.wordpress.com. 45,106 tweets. 308 following. 26,588 followers.

Reply:

@doctoratlarge If you'd do that you'd find most ppl are already like that, without they ever reading the newly renamed book.

22 September 2013 Vikas Badal ‏@vbadal [^117.10] https://twitter.com/vbadal/status/381707200038572032 Bio: Happy go lucky! Location: ÜT: 26.910919,75.7947. 6,841 tweets. 487 following. 169 followers.

Hey everyone - great job today.

20 August 2012 Matt Ingebretson ‏@mattingebretson [^117.11] https://twitter.com/mattingebretson/status/237771707778215937 Bio and stats on 28 August 2012: Funnyman. Location: Los Angeles. 4,847 tweets. 431 following. 3,153 followers. His Twitter bio and stats on 8 July 2013: Funnyman | Contributor to @TheOnion. Location: Los Angeles · mattingebretson.com - 5,345 tweets. 514 following. 5,798 followers.

I want to be intimidating but well-liked.

10 January 2012 kdn @kdn13 [^117.12] https://twitter.com/#!/kdn13/status/156915469746573313 Her bio and stats on 16 November 2012: I have a weakness for split infinitives. Location: Bay Area, CA. 4,724 tweets. 247 following. 19,916 followers.

The humor in kdn’s statement is bolstered by her petite stature.

I can respect you without liking you, but I can't like you if I don't respect you.

28 October 2012 Just Lee ‏@Just_Lee_ [^117.13] https://twitter.com/Just_Lee_/status/262764101661495296 Her bio: I have Twitter Tourette Syndrome. Its a real thing. And its incurable. So fuck it. http://favstar.fm/users/just_lee_ - 21,957 tweets. 1,755 following. 10,934 followers. Her bio and stats on 15 April 2014: Lets not make this personal. 781 tweets. 487 following. 2,306 followers.

I like what’s underneath that suit of yours: The chair.

15 November 2012 Pelsjas ‏@elsaPelsjas [^117.14] https://twitter.com/elsaPelsjas/status/269093609859592192 Her bio and stats on 21 November 2012: I take half the stuffing out of soft toys because no one is allowed to be THAT happy. Location: Cape Town, South-Africa · http://pelsjas.wordpress.com - 10,413 tweets. 1,661 following. 1,766 followers.

The only thing I bring to the table is a chair.

29 December 2010 Clarke Kant @clarkekant [^117.15] https://twitter.com/#!/clarkekant/status/20314553124388865 Bio and stats on 18 November 2012: I'm all for saving the world, just not necessarily the people. Now available on http://Witstream.com ! Location: America-ish · http://favstar.fm/users/clarkekant - 9,997 tweets. 776 following. 29,442 followers.

Superintendent? More like so-so-intendent.

18 September 2011 Anita Doobie @CandyWarhole [^117.16] https://twitter.com/#!/CandyWarhole/status/115446607490715650 Her Twitter screen name, bio and stats on 20 June 2013: Lani @CandyWarhole - Comedy. Idiot. French kisser. Huzzuhhhhhhh. Location: Nashville, TN · bit.ly/qdAnQI - 2,766 tweets. 609 following. 10,474 followers.

There's a moron in every office.

They usually get paid more than you.

9 November 2011 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^117.17] https://twitter.com/#!/Schmoodles/status/134285100786524160 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

Little did he know, but that never stopped him.

24 April 2012 Melissa Marrs ‏@ImaAngryBitch - https://twitter.com/ImaAngryBitch/status/194951300797046784 Twitter screen name, ID, bio and stats for the account the tweet resolved to on 11 July 2013: Scott McGrew @iNusku3 - recovering narcissist. Location: Lubbock, TX · nusku.tumblr.com - 671 tweets. 198 following. 407 followers. From @iNusku3 on 17 June 2013 he tweeted: I'm moving from this account to @iNusku just to be confusing. [https://twitter.com/iNusku3/status/346732196075290624]. Twitter bio and stats on 11 July 2013 for: Scott McGrew @iNusku [^117.18] World Dishwasher Tetris Champion '96. Location: Lubbock, TX. 111 tweets. 502 following. 556 followers.

I'm going to take an extra strength pain killer and hope it works on my supervisor today.

26 September 2011 Sly @slyoung5 [^117.19] https://twitter.com/#!/slyoung5/status/118334635846537216 Her bio stats on 7 November 2012: Straightjackets required. No corners allowed. Love bouncing! Location: Canada · http://favstar.fm/users/slyoung5 - 27,287 tweets. 8,732 following. 14,630 followers.

I laugh at all of my boss's jokes because I have bills to pay.

21 February 2012 ChrisAnna4real @chrisanna4real [^117.20] https://twitter.com/#!/chrisanna4real/status/172069489393930241 Her bio and stats on 27 October 2012: I RT A LOT. My life will make you laugh. I'm drunk a lot. Beer me. Most at home in @chopper4jk's pants and my best girl is @the_martinigirl. IG: chrisanna4real Location: So Cal, that's all you get. · http://favstar.fm/users/chrisanna4real - 31,994 tweets. 9,265 following. 17,404 followers.

Theres nothing more annoying to a person than taking their insult as a compliment

13 April 2012 Rez ‏@ragazzel [^117.21] https://twitter.com/ragazzel/status/190702130649239552 Her bio and stats on 29 April 2013: A happy monkey stuck in a human suit, raised by the sea. Location: Egypt. 1,870 tweets. 404 following. 1,081 followers.

Constructive criticism never seems quite as constructive when it's coming from someone you don't really care for.

24 April 2012 Aspersioncast ‏@Aspersioncast [^117.22] https://twitter.com/#!/Aspersioncast/status/194972113038348288 His bio and stats on 21 November 2012: It's always a pleasure to meet someone with no sense of humour, then when I fuck with their head, it's unbelievably satisfying. Location: Perth Australia. · http://favstar.fm/users/AspersionCast/recent - 18,059 tweets. 17,901 following. 22,264 followers.

We do things a little different up here is code for slower and worse.

1 November 2011 Alec Sulkin ‏@thesulk [^117.23] https://twitter.com/#!/thesulk/status/131410387374583808 His bio and stats on 22 November 2012: Breaker of Swift Mustache Hairs. Location: Los Angeles. 6,748 tweets. 836 following. 481,460 followers.

I asked for an explanation, not an excuse.

13 March 2012 the_moonface @the_moonface [^117.24] https://twitter.com/#!/the_moonface/status/179587546873995264 His bio and stats on 18 March 2013: There should be a cleverly written paragraph about how unique and special I am written here. Same username for kik and Instagram. Location: A small body in orbit. 2,281 tweets. 2,716 following. 12,926 followers.

I should be hearing I'm sorry, but instead I get analogies and excuses.

23 June 2012 nerdamage ‏@nerdamage [^117.25] https://twitter.com/nerdamage/status/216779828421066752 His bio and stats on 6 October 2012: I tweet so you don't have to. http://soundcloud.com/nerdamage - 13,477 tweets. 3,154 following. 9,233 followers.

I'll stop making excuses when other people start taking responsibility for my actions.

9 June 2011 SlappNuttz @SlappNuttz [^117.26] https://twitter.com/#!/SlappNuttz/status/78911799893831680 Twitter bio and stats on 16 July 2013: RIP SlappNuttz -- Just making sure no asshat takes this username and uses it for good. 0 tweets. 0 following. 1 follower.

I'm all your fault.

20 September 2012 Junkyardigan ‏@junkyardigan [^117.27] https://twitter.com/junkyardigan/status/248995737311014913

His bio: The biggest pile of shit you ever saw. 2,720 tweets. 1,672 following. 1,949 followers.

My coworker is such an idiot that she keeps holding 25-person meetings to determine why her project is over budget. Hello! ‪

#KCS

16 July 2012 Meeting Boy ‏@MeetingBoy [^117.28] https://twitter.com/MeetingBoy/status/224874746112770049 Twitter bio and stats on 8 August 2013: I hate my job. Location: across the conference table · meetingboy.com/posts - 6,123 tweets. 86,778 following. 148,037 followers.

People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything. -Thomas Sowell

18 March 2013 Kirsty Ballard ‏@KBellSays [^117.29] https://twitter.com/KBellSays/status/313550788398034944 Her bio: A wise woman once told me- Never trust anyone who has a 'stache, can't hold their liquor and never swears. So far, so good! *All opinions are my own | Ogilvian. Location: Johannesburg, South Africa · http://flashingformoney.wordpress.com/ - 10,359 tweets. 1,946 following. 932 followers.

Thomas Sowell [^117.30] No Twitter ID found on 18 March 2013. His bio that day on his website http://tsowell.com/ - Rose and Milton Friedman Senior Fellow, The Hoover Institution, Stanford University, Stanford, California 94305.

I make bad decisions look easy.

7 November 11 Lint Trap @asshat33 [^117.31] https://twitter.com/#!/asshat33/status/133662880078888960 No account found with this ID on 19 February 2013.

I hate decisions.

19 September 2012 Malak Mansour ‏@xMalakMansourx [^117.32] https://twitter.com/xMalakMansourx/status/248218628397338624 Her bio and stats on 27 November 2012: A fictional character created by your perception. 3,255 tweets. 280 following. 503 followers.

I like people who are decisive. Or not. I don't know.

18 September 2012 Lisa Rahmat ‏@lisarahmat [^117.33] https://twitter.com/lisarahmat/status/248030060324483073 Her bio and stats on 25 February 2013: Crazy panda lady who likes looking out windows and things. Location: Singapore · lisarahmat.tumblr.com - 2,341 tweets. 255 following. 3,643 followers.

i can't remember the last time something was my fault

19 July 2012 The Blowout ‏@theblowout [^117.34] https://twitter.com/theblowout/status/225960240846352384 Her Twitter bio and stats on 20 July 2013: is it too early to start drinking 3 hours ago? Location: raleigh, north carolina · about.me/theblowout - 30,827 tweets. 634 following. 10,757 followers.

When in doubt, make someone else do it, and see what happens.

27 May 2012 Mediocre Marvel ‏@EliseRose5 [^117.35] https://twitter.com/EliseRose5/status/206832041583575041 Her Twitter bio and stats on 24 August 2013: Mediocrity at its Finest. Location: Cincinnati, Ohio · favstar.fm/users/eliserose5 - 70,107 tweets. 9,378 following. 15,373 followers.

What do you call a guy who passed the bar exam but doesn't know you can't put a paper plate in a toaster oven? I call him boss.

7 June 2010 Mr. Havercamp @Yidago [^117.36] https://twitter.com/Yidago/status/15646457717 No Twitter account with this ID found on 24 August 2013.

We don't think you're dumb, we're just annoyed by your inefficiency.

5 November 2010 rands ‏@rands [^117.37] https://twitter.com/#!/rands/status/675391429672960 His bio and stats on 3 November 2012: in repose. Location: los gatos, ca · http://www.randsinrepose.com - 8,540 tweets. 499 following. 27,448 followers.

Being an ass kisser can get you a lot of things in life...except respect.

12 March 2011 Joel Ingersoll ‏@FlyoverJoel [^117.38] https://twitter.com/flyoverjoel/status/46802145202274304 His bio and stats on 10 December 2012: I get up and I put on pants. Location: Saint Paul, MN · http://favstar.fm/users/FlyoverJoel/most_retweeted - 9,975 tweets. 540 following. 6,314 followers.

I get my nepotism from my dad.

31 August 2009 JT @InSoOutSo [^117.39] http://twitter.com/InSoOutSo/status/3672137032 His Twitter bio and stats on 15 June 2013: Dicen que soy aburrido... Location: Columbus, OH · favrd.com - 11,704 tweets. 324 following. 3,474 followers.

The boss just chided us that there's no I in team, then took all the credit when the CEO stopped by.

12 April 2012 Meeting Boy ‏@MeetingBoy [^117.40] https://twitter.com/#!/MeetingBoy/status/190476834226446337 Twitter bio and stats on 8 August 2013: I hate my job. Location: across the conference table · meetingboy.com/posts - 6,123 tweets. 86,778 following. 148,037 followers.

There is no I in Team, but there are four in Platitude-Quoting Idiot.

19 January 2011 raj @rraajj4u - https://twitter.com/#!/rraajj4u/status/27756892151353344 His Twitter screen name, ID, bio and stats on 10 August 2013: Raj @CorruptConcrete [^117.41] Concrete,steel,Duck tales,beer,music,Politics, Films, Photographs, NaMo, ChelseaFC,Jainism. Location: Bombay south. 20,815 tweets. 407 following. 396 followers.

There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in... Everyone in this office is an idiot & I work better by myself.

5 June 2012 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^117.42] https://twitter.com/schmoodles/status/210044523986948099 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

TEIAM - problem solved fuckers

19 March 2011 Hebrew Hammer @HairyJew4Life [^117.43] https://twitter.com/#!/HairyJew4Life/status/49124468680949760 His bio and stats on 16 November 2012: Sarcastic asshole that is hairier and jewier than you are. All the girls say that because I'm jewish that I'm cheap and have a small dick. Location: Dead on. http://favstar.fm/users/HairyJew4Life/recent - 5,931 tweets. 954 following. 11,137 followers.

My boss went home sick yesterday. If you are wondering how much I dislike her, I would gladly do all of her work if she stayed home again.

30 October 2012 @Kayditty - https://twitter.com/Kayditty/status/263244729020452864 Her bio: Filter free zone. I also occasionally like to post pictures of my cat. If that bothers you, I really don't care.18+ http://favstar.fm/users/Kayditty/recent - Location: NC · http://favstar.fm/users/Kayditty/most_favorited - 13,862 tweets. 3,955 following. 4,847 followers. Her Twitter screen name, ID, bio and stats on 10 August 2013: K-Ditty @_kayditty [^117.44] A picture may be worth a thousand words but if I use the right words the mind can make a thousand pictures. Location: NC · http://favstar.fm/users/_kayditty/tweets_of_the_day - 27,942 tweets. 6,815 following. 10,407 followers.

I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

18 March 2010 Tiffany @TiffanyJMoore [^117.45] http://twitter.com/TiffanyJMoore/status/10683280909 Her Twitter bio and stats on 10 August 2013, when her most recent tweet was dated 12 February 2012: Misunderstood Southern belle. Location: Georgia · tiffanyjmoore.tumblr.com. 2,161 tweets. 287 following. 3,269 followers.

Anakin grew up to become Darth Vader.

Me: I'm excellent at my job. You're lucky to have me.

Boss: Why are you waving your hand?

Me: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

28 September 2011 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^117.46] https://twitter.com/#!/Schmoodles/status/119136719382650880 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

I love my boss to death.

That's why he's in the trunk of my car.

19 June 2009 Josh Hopkins @thedayhascome [^117.47] on Favrd. URL lost. His Twitter bio and stats on 10 August 2013 when his most recent tweet was dated 26 February 2013: father. husband. web designer. geek. thinker. doer. founder of http://40horse.com – Location: Indianapolis, IN · thedayhasco.me - 3,974 tweets. 465 following. 9,012 followers.

Where can I find a mug that says, World's 4,238,957th Best Boss?

18 October 2011 Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw [^117.48] https://twitter.com/#!/IamEnidColeslaw/status/126438713667497984 Her bio and stats on 16 November 2012: the Garbage Pail Kids version of Zooey Deschanel. Location: Chicago. 13,504 tweets. 4,054 following. 84,168 followers.

My co-worker: I don't understand why they don't make me a manager. I'm overweight and I have no fashion sense or people skills.

26 November 2008 delfie @delfie [^117.49] http://twitter.com/delfie/status/1024700693 Her Twitter bio and stats on 5 March 2013: Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm a nice chick, just your average, bulletproof chick. 448 tweets. 93 following. 863 followers. Her most recent tweet as of 31 March 2014 was from 23 January 2010.

the way my boss spends 2 hrs saying the same thing and repeats it 50 times in the next 2 days tells me he'd do fucking great on twitter.

24 May 2012 Sweet P ‏@preawsaurus [^117.50] https://twitter.com/preawsaurus/status/205585612928065536 Her bio and stats on 8 November 2012: i am nice. at least that's the way i perceive myself. i could be wrong. Location: Tellus · http://favstar.fm/users/preawsaurus/most_retweeted - 12,197 tweets. 910 following. 8,090 followers.

If you find yourself insightful and extraordinary, you can be certain that you are the only one who does.

22 July 2012 tackie_jackie ‏@tackie_jackie [^117.51] https://twitter.com/tackie_jackie/status/227094497325117441 Her bio and stats on 16 November 2012: Took a weird-ass turn and ended up here. 8,854 tweets. 776 following. 9,369 followers.

Type A people are the only ones who care if you’re Type A.

7 November 2012 Gabriel '❑' Cubbage ‏@Remiel [^117.52] https://twitter.com/Remiel/status/266294085021728768 Bio and stats on 5 January 2013: Gabriel '❑' Cubbage @Remiel Remiel (.org): A 60x60px red square. Gabriel Cubbage: Director of 67 Robots. Most firms have 66 robots. We have 67. So call us. Ask for Gabriel or Monocle Bot. Location: Perma-nomad; currently Hawaii. · http://67Robots.com 3,554 tweets. 127 following. 4,045 followers.

Perfect confidence is given to the less talented as a consolation prize.

--Robert Hughes

7 August 2012 midtowngirl ‏@_Midtowngirl [^117.53] https://twitter.com/_Midtowngirl/status/233004569800634369 Bio and stats on 16 March 2013: Investment Banking.100% Nerd. @Columbia alumni. Native NY'er (Born & Raised on the Upper West Side) with typical cynical outlook on life only true NYers have. Location: Midtown, Manhattan. 11,091 tweets. 179 following. 499 followers.

Tweeted the day after the death of Robert Studley Forrest Hughes [^117.54], an Australian art critic, author and producer of TV documentaries. The full quote: The greater the artist, the greater the doubt. Perfect confidence is given to the less talented as a consolation prize.

Confident people are very often just wrong people.

27 June 2012 Alex Baze ‏@bazecraze [^117.55] https://twitter.com/bazecraze/status/218154981344292865 His bio and stats on 23 November 2012: Cynical shell. Soft, chewy center. Location: NYC. 5,989 tweets. 535 following. 52,032 followers.

When you say I'm pragmatic, I hear I don't understand the principles involved.

(With apologies to @rands.)

18 August 2012 glyph ‏@glyph [^117.56] https://twitter.com/glyph/status/236920919031947264 Bio: Hi. I'm glyph, a guy who sometimes writes programs. 1,596 tweets. 167 following. 952 followers. This tweet follows a format popularized by @rands.

If you look close enough you fail to see the whole picture.

20 August 2012 Bitch_In_Me ‏@BitchingMe [^117.57] https://twitter.com/bitchingme/status/237805434482864128 Her bio and stats on 13 January 2013: If you can't handle bitches, fuck off. My DM has autodelete function. In love with my Reality so don't bother. Location: Somewhere but not there · http://favstar.fm/users/BitchingMe/recent - 15,803 tweets. 9,647 following. 10,255 followers.

Petty is as petty does.

10 August 2012 Rameeza Nizami ‏@RameezaNizami [^117.58] https://twitter.com/RameezaNizami/status/233974383230742528 Her bio and stats on 12 November 2012: Unauthorized, unofficial, etc etc. This isn't even me, really. Location: In an office, most of the time. 5,010 tweets. 890 following. 3,331 followers.

With great power comes great micromanaging.

1 February 2014 Matt Stancliff ‏@mattsta [^117.59] https://twitter.com/mattsta/status/429834515205603328 Bio and stats on 26 February 2014: A full time homosexual extremist and part time computational neuroscientist. Available for parties and corporate events. Location: New York, NY 11109 · matt.io - 7,410 tweets. 72 following. 322 followers.

Please, please, please stop trying to micromanage what you don't understand!

7 December 2010 Meeting Boy ‏@MeetingBoy [^117.60] https://twitter.com/#!/MeetingBoy/status/12160995791208448 Twitter bio and stats on 8 August 2013: I hate my job. Location: across the conference table · meetingboy.com/posts - 6,123 tweets. 86,778 following. 148,037 followers.

Don't call me a control freak. I prefer to be called normal person surrounded by people doing it wrong.

29 September 2012 · rachel lichtman ‏@DJRotaryRachel [^117.61] https://twitter.com/DJRotaryRachel/status/252171824513810433 Her bio and stats on 15 October 2012: my windsong stays on your mind. Location: Los Angeles. 3,398 tweets. 903 following. 17,551 followers.

The best part about overreactive control freaks is how much they hate themselves.

Really saves me a lot of time and energy.

4 September 2011 bllix ‏@bllix [^117.62] https://twitter.com/#!/bllix/status/110330222913650688 Her bio and stats on 30 October 2012: Electronic music producer/knob-twiddler, MYLF, Multilingual programmer, Attorney at LOL, Thug 4 Life, Laundromancer, METAL AS FVCK. Damn, Gina. Location: Portland, OR. · http://bllix.tumblr.com - 12,746 tweets. 501 following. 4,516 followers.

Never let passion for improvement make you a critical, negative, nitpicker.

5 October 2012 Dan Rockwell ‏@Leadershipfreak [^117.63] https://twitter.com/Leadershipfreak/status/254237625471365120 His bio and stats on 16 October 2012: My dream is when people see me they think that guy made my life better. Presenter, author, MBA, happily married. Location: USA · http://www.leadershipfreak.wordpress.com - 24,883 tweets. 111,734 following. 124,371 followers.

Hey everyone, check it out, my boss is contributing to the business world by helping coin the term nano-manage.

21 February 2013 Chroma Geddon ‏@ChromaGeddon [^117.64] https://twitter.com/ChromaGeddon/status/304735647535607808 Bio and stats on 21 April 2013: It's ~Dr~ Geddon, if you don't mind. I earned my title from an accredited online college of mixology that I hacked. Location: San Diego, CA · http://iwav.es/setmusicfree - 8,314 tweets. 463 following. 840 followers.

My boss keeps micromanaging me so I put his boss' name in his spam filter.

That will take some of the heat off of me for a few days.

21 July 2009 RoughDiction @roughdiction [^117.65] https://twitter.com/#!/roughdiction/status/2760321776 Twitter bio and stats on 10 August 2013: Show me on this Internet where I give a shit. Location: NYC. 4,936 tweets. 3 following. 9,039 followers.

I can't wait to get promoted to my level of incompetence.

22 June 2011 Sputnik Sweetheart @Verlieren [^117.66] https://twitter.com/#!/Verlieren/status/83688978745794560 Her bio and stats on 14 November 2012: Creator of Google, previously psychotic person. Not to make you fall in love with me but I probably don't have AIDS. http://tinyurl.com/verinstagram - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001856/ - 11,012 tweets. 548 following. 14,712 followers.

I have a special ability to read words.

You should be our project manager.

#apprentice

9 May 2012 Richard Neville @RichNeville [^117.67] https://twitter.com/#!/RichNeville/status/200316379801460739 Twitter bio and stats on 10 August 2013: Still holding out the hope that my life up to now has just been Derren Brown trying to teach me an important lesson. catbinfever.com · harpurger.com. 47,398 tweets. 942 following. 6,502 followers.

when I get to the top of the pile I will kick the ladder over in the true spirit of piles

1 May 2012 Abbey 5¢ ‏@everylilthing [^117.68] https://twitter.com/#!/everylilthing/status/197550499011108864 Her screen name, bio and stats on 22 March 2013: Hushpuppy 5¢ @everylilthing - Mary's dress waves. Location: los angeles. 8,644 tweets. 712 following. 1,486 followers.

BOSS: Wow! You're a real go-getter!

Translation: You are a threat to me. You'll be fired the next time we so much as run out of coffee.

11 May 2012 Vasculitis Vixen ‏@MistookMistake [^117.69] https://twitter.com/#!/MistookMistake/status/201056263990296576 Her bio and stats on 7 March 2013: When I'm not busy losing 15lbs. so I can fit behind my fridge to get an M&M, I'm tweeting jokes, writing a book, & speaking about my cause: beating Vasculitis. Location: Dallas, Texas · favstar.fm/users/MistookMistake - 2,950 tweets. 2,216 following. 11,058 followers.

A clueless man who has worked at my company for 4 months asked me, today, if I was a hacker right before he fired me.

Friday, 14 December 2012 Jason ‏@cybertheorist [^117.70] https://twitter.com/cybertheorist/status/279826330881753088 Bio: Tech, Theory & Politics in the Digital Age. Location: Washington, DC. 11,329 tweets. 314 following. 2,085 followers.

You are not your job.

You are how you treat people.

11 January 2014 Sarah Kendzior ‏@sarahkendzior [^117.71] https://twitter.com/sarahkendzior/status/422199941050552320 Bio and stats on 12 January 2014: Writer on politics, economy, media. Columnist for @AJEnglish. Researcher on Central Asia. Recovering academic. Location: St. Louis · sarahkendzior.com - 16,374 tweets. 1,025 following. 17,311 followers.

Loud posh man is explaining to ticket collector that he doesn't have a ticket as his secretary must have forgotten to give it to him.

13 January 2012 Vivienne Clore @Vivienneclore [^117.72] https://twitter.com/#!/Vivienneclore/status/157821878956859393 She was in the UK. Twitter bio and stats on 10 August 2013: nose to the agenting grindstone, fingers to the twittering keyboard with varied results. vivienneclore.com - 29,488 tweets. 758 following. 8,479 followers.

Rather than allowing a bunch of little employee birthday parties throughout the year, I will permit one big group celebration for mine.

30 June 2011 Jocelyn TestesHarder @FilthyRichmond [^117.73] https://twitter.com/#!/FilthyRichmond/status/86446302866571264 Twitter bio and stats on 5 March 2013 for Jocelyn Plums @FilthyRichmond - Kiss Mommy's cold sore and make it better! #RVA http://FilthyRichmond.com Location: Richmond, VA · http://favstar.fm/users/filthyrichmond/recent - 9,914 tweets. 3,384 following. 65,783 followers.

Watching workers watch their workers work is horribly exhausting.

25 May 2011 dropdeadchris @dropdeadchris [^117.74] https://twitter.com/#!/dropdeadchris/status/73526750495260672 - On 27 July 2013 this tweet was found to have been deleted and the account was found to have experienced a change of control. The new account holder’s Twitter bio and stats on 27 July 2013: Christopher Ruiz @DropDeadChris - hey im Chris. Skating is my passion. Oliver Sykes is my idol. @drellarose is the love of my life. 3 – Location: CA. 76 tweets. 32 following. 15 followers.

When the going gets tough, the tough watch upper management make bad decisions. #literalwisdom

8 July 2009 SeoulBrother @SeoulBrother [^117.75] on Favrd. https://twitter.com/SeoulBrother/status/2536048050 Twitter bio and stats on 12 June 2013: Half Seoul. All Brother. Part of the http://AmericanDrink.net crew. Location: Tacoma · tumblr.seoulbrother.com - 5,526 tweets. 234 following. 5,934 followers.

I love how the people who are quickest to demand respect are the ones least likely to give it to anyone else.

30 July 2011 Cindy K ‏@Kraz60 [^117.76] https://twitter.com/Kraz60/status/97506843282251776 Her bio and stats on 23 October 2012: Things I wonder about. http://kraz60.tumblr.com - 13,403 tweets. 1,564 following. 2,485 followers.

I hate when people don't believe me. Especially if I'm lying.

22 May 2012 Nicole Betz ‏@TomHanksIsHot [^117.77] https://twitter.com/TomHanksIsHot/status/205056961018994688 Her Twitter bio and stats on 12 June 2013: I laugh at jokes I understand. Location: Los Angeles, CA · about.me/nicolebetz - 8,327 tweets. 908 following. 9,664 followers.

I think I am hesitant and indecisive but I don't think so.

3 March 2012 Ella Capparella ‏@RamblingMachine [^117.78] https://twitter.com/ramblingmachine/status/175853973700485120 Her bio and stats on 25 April 2013: Extraterrestrial carbon-based unit planted on Earth to outsmart you. First Jupiterian miss universe. I can teleport, talk to aliens & twinkle like a little star. Location: Red Spot, Jupiter. · http://favstar.fm/users/RamblingMachine - 25,983 tweets. 7,191 following. 11,361 followers. On 20 April 2013 she posted a twittercide note: http://crossingthevoid.tumblr.com/post/48467799778/goodbye-forever-beautiful-tweeps

If shredding evidence is wrong, I don't want to be right.

26 September 2011 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^117.79] https://twitter.com/#!/Schmoodles/status/118330842685775872 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

Checking voicemail, my favorite time of the day. Not only can I check them all on speaker but I can bitch about how many I have too!!

3 August 2011 The Office Prick ‏@theofficeprick [^117.80] https://twitter.com/theofficeprick/status/98836455098560513 Twitter bio and stats on 26 October 2013: Documenting and chronicling the daily actions of The Office Prick. Yes, these are true. 112 tweets. 48 following. 61 followers. On 26 October 2013, this account’s most recent tweet was dated 13 January 2012.

I'm walking around work with a condescending sense of entitlement while criticising everyone & contributing nothing...Like a boss!

18 April 2012 Aristotles @AristotlesNZ [^117.81] https://twitter.com/#!/AristotlesNZ/status/192821537416548354 His bio and stats on 3 November 2012: My avi is one of 3 reasons why I live and why I drink. Father of 3 little boys. Husband of 1 Wife. Location: Under the Down Under · http://favstar.fm/users/AristotlesNZ/recent - 13,213 tweets. 2,378 following. 11,033 followers.

Condescension. Awesome!

16 October 2012 Rob Thomas ‏@RobotThomas [^117.82] https://twitter.com/RobotThomas/status/258422224955006976 Bio: i was born 'n stuff. Location: Hanging out in my garage. http://favstar.fm/users/RobotThomas - 30,787 tweets. 5,394 following. 5,029 followers.

Listen very carefully and I will explain what condescension means.

30 June 2010 Crab @Blue_Crab [^117.83] https://twitter.com/Blue_Crab/status/17441124507 Bio and stats on 24 March 2013: Stronger than ativan and more powerful than chocolate. Send me an email at google – BlueCrabsEmail – Location: South · http://favstar.fm/users/Blue_Crab - 3,473 tweets. 381 following. 2,174 followers.

Asking for my opinion after you've already made up your mind is like asking if I'm smart like you or an asshole.

29 July 2011 Shari Vanderwerf @shariv67 [^117.84] https://twitter.com/#!/shariv67/status/96991124819947520 Her bio and stats on 27 October 2012: My work has appeared on Comedy Central, Cartoon Network, VH1, E!, film festivals and major publications. Comedian & Writer · http://www.sharivanderwerf.com - 11,392 tweets. 3,551 following. 24,593 followers.

I’m open to critism as long as I agree with it

10 September 2012 Stings ‏@thatstings [^117.85] https://twitter.com/thatstings/status/245325982653878272 His stats on 12 November 2012: The Peanut Gallery · http://favstar.fm/users/thatstings/recent - 8,460 tweets. 3,001 following. 9,475 followers.

It's not a meeting if you do all the talking, boss; that's called a lecture.

21 August 2012 Meeting Boy ‏@MeetingBoy [^117.86] https://twitter.com/MeetingBoy/status/237934352569364480 Twitter bio and stats on 8 August 2013: I hate my job. Location: across the conference table · meetingboy.com/posts - 6,123 tweets. 86,778 following. 148,037 followers.

Yes you are entitled to my opinion.

5 October 2012 Pelsjas ‏@elsaPelsjas [^117.87] https://twitter.com/elsaPelsjas/status/254455785281695745 Her bio and stats on 14 November 2012: I take half the stuffing out of soft toys because no one is allowed to be THAT happy and then I write copy for ads. Location: Cape Town, South-Africa · http://pelsjas.wordpress.com - 10,223 tweets. 1,918 following. 1,773 followers.

People with strong/firm convictions/opinions are the first to try and silence others.

I'm absolutely certain of this.

8 March 2014 Rock God ‏@redpawn3 [^117.88] https://twitter.com/redpawn3/status/442404019252654080 Bio: http://favstar.fm/users/redpawn3/recent - 97,091 tweets. 4,665 following. 6,900 followers.

"A wolf does not concern herself with the opinions of sheep."

5 August 2012 levinandkitteh ‏@weareourdesires [^117.89] https://twitter.com/weareourdesires/status/232111167546470400 Her bio and stats on 10 August 2012: the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones that are mad to live. Location: In transit. 4,345 tweets. 337 following. 203 followers. On 24 October 2012 her account was found to have disappeared.

I play this game where I don't listen to anybody and get angry when people don't listen to me.

13 August 2012 Muath ‏@Muath_tu [^117.90] https://twitter.com/Muath_tu/status/235152855038844929 His location and stats on 8 December 2012: Saudi Arabia - Jeddah · http://favstar.fm/users/Muath_tu/recent - 5,671 tweets. 488 following. 6,523 followers. No Twitter account with this ID found on 7 August 2013.

My favourite pastimes are pointing out your faults and ignoring mine.

26 August 2012 captain sidcup ‏@captainsidcup [^117.91] https://twitter.com/captainsidcup/status/239814992810106881 His bio: The bi-polar musings of a rampant, unrepentant narcissist. No DM's. Location: The Naughty Step. Kent. UK. 20,730 tweets. 1,068 following. 1,461 followers.

I’m a good person - horrible people

14 December 2013 Peaux ‏@NotJPo [^117.92] https://twitter.com/NotJPo/status/411967525711527936 Her Twitter bio and stats on 15 December 2013: I have PMS. 16,932 tweets. 2,187 following. 26,140 followers.

i'm not judgmental

i'm just right all the time

13 November 2012 lauren ashley bishop ‏@sbellelauren [^117.93] https://twitter.com/sbellelauren/status/268415459714551808 Her bio and stats on 14 November 2012: i'm a comedian from arkansas. i live in LA. but i comede all over. witstream.com please & thank you. www.favstar.fm/users/sbellelauren - Location: hollywood · http://laurenashleybishop.tumblr.com/ - 9,411 tweets. 986 following. 31,379 followers.

I thought I was wrong, once, but I was mistaken.

26 July 2012 Pink Cigarette ‏@MrsMikePatton [^117.94] https://twitter.com/MrsMikePatton/status/228551570046976000 Her Twitter bio and stats on 10 August 2013: Mike Patton's sex slave. Location: Philadelphia · http://favstar.fm/users/MrsMikePatton/recent - 18,203 tweets. 1,594 following. 3,813 followers.

Ask me about my narcissism!

6 June 2012 Aristotles ‏@AristotlesNZ [^117.95] https://twitter.com/aristotlesnz/status/210617194906783745

His bio and stats on 3 November 2012: My avi is one of 3 reasons why I live and why I drink. Father of 3 little boys. Husband of 1 Wife. Location: Under the Down Under · http://favstar.fm/users/AristotlesNZ/recent - 13,213 tweets. 2,378 following. 11,033 followers.

Tweeted during a meeting:

Men make jovial phone calls to mask embarrassment when someone shows them down.

Laugh to show they have power. Use jargon.

10 January 2013 Mahim Maher ‏@Mahim_Maher [^117.96] https://twitter.com/Mahim_Maher/status/289291357133082624 Bio: I blog for the Jewish Journal, work as a Karachi city editor at The Express Tribune, study urban growth, and love cop-talk. Location: Karachi, Pakistan · http://tribune.com.pk - 7,749 tweets. 219 following. 5,153 followers.

Mahim Maher was in a meeting with election officials and officers from the police and military. At the meeting, plans were announced for conducting elections that were, as anticipated, marred by violence and ballot-box stuffing.

Weak men have loud egos.

31 December 2013 Jae Stoner ‏@JaeMar68 [^117.97] https://twitter.com/JaeMar68/status/418214049923338240 Bio: Comedian, but not on purpose. Under 18? Get a signed permission slip from your parents. Location: Place of Evil Ghosts, NJ. 9,229 tweets. 1,333 following. 1,003 followers,

a world dominated by overgrown boy-men

29 December 2013 NYT Minus Context ‏@NYTMinusContext [^117.98] https://twitter.com/NYTMinusContext/status/417457267265769472 Bio and stats on 17 January 2014: All Tweets Verbatim From New York Times Content. Not Affiliated with New York Times. Follow @NYTPlusContext for context. [e-mail] - 1,244 tweets. 911 following. 10.854 followers.

The New York Times @nytimes [^117.99] Twitter bio and stats on 17 January 2014: Where the conversation begins. Follow for breaking news, special reports, http://NYTimes.com homepage links and RTs of our journalists. Location: New York City · nytimes.com -124,082 tweets. 854 following. 10,681,262 followers.

I have no idea how all women aren’t repulsed by businessmen.

3 May 2011 Will Phillips @TheThryll [^117.100] https://twitter.com/#!/TheThryll/status/65524444055076864 His bio and stats on 17 January 2013: Handsome. Unemployed. Handsome. Ken Burns enthusiast. Location: Parts Unknown. 3,304 tweets. 742 following. 15,869 followers. His profile photo showed a dude wearing a bandana around his forehead.

Some women have had enough. Chinki Sinha for example:

"I was tired of being rejected by men who thought their success validated everything they said."

http://www.openthemagazine.com/article/true-life/match-not-found by Chinki Sinha

8 November 2012 https://twitter.com/aem76us/status/266770302632071169

Points to an article by Chinki Sinha about abandoning her search for a suitable husband:

Match Not Found - Confessions of a serial matrimony seeker, by Chinki Sinha, Open Magazine, 22 September 2012, http://www.openthemagazine.com/article/true-life/match-not-found

Chinki Sinha @chinkis [^117.101] Twitter bio and stats on 9 November 2012: Location: Delhi · http://chinkisinha.blogspot.com - 100 tweets. 123 following. 147 followers.

Open Magazine @Openthemag [^117.102] Twitter bio and stats on 9 November 2012: The Return of Magazine Journalism. Location: In over 30 cities across India · http://www.openthemagazine.com/ - 1,670 tweets. 228 following. 12,598 followers.

Yes boss, please tell me more about your high IQ. This is indeed some fascinating shit, and in no way makes you seem like a twat.

21 September 2011 Jessica ‏@Schmoodles [^117.103] https://twitter.com/#!/Schmoodles/status/116506504596688897 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: I silently mouth the words 'What the fuck?' at least 20 times a day. Location: Goon Docks, Astoria, Oregon. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,316 tweets. 1,026 following. 35,696 followers. Her bio and stats on 1 March 2013: Being a grownup has been a fucking disaster so far. Location: LV-426. · http://favstar.fm/users/Schmoodles - 3,647 tweets. 1,115 following. 52,177 followers.

A good way to call yourself stupid is to call yourself smart.

29 April 2012 snarkarella ‏@snarkarella [^117.104] https://twitter.com/snarkarella/status/196555383966412801 Her bio and stats on 17 December 2012: i like snacking on ice cubes. 3,547 tweets. 389 following. 1,594 followers.

I am clearly no match for your level of stupid.

1 October 2012 Zombie, Interrupted ‏@Not_Zombie_Prey [^117.105] https://twitter.com/Not_Zombie_Prey/status/252852368067158016 Her bio and stats on 4 November 2012: Get the fuck over yourself.