Separate Beds

By MJ Cruise

Ernie and Twink are in the autumn of their lives. In celebration of their thirtieth wedding anniversary, the couple's children send them on a Caribbean cruise. Free of chores and children, Ernie and Twink are wined, dined, and introduced to exciting people. When they meet the rich, seductive Blake and Beth, who still seem to have a perfect life together after ten years of marriage, Twink becomes infatuated with the glamour of the other couple's lives and seeks to reignite the spark in her own marriage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Playwrights Canada Press
• Release date: May 15, 2013
• ISBN: 9781770911406

MJ Cruise

MJ Cruise is an award-winning playwright and published choral composer. Her plays have been performed across North America and have been translated and produced in Germany. MJ teaches drama in Grimsby, Ontario, and is an ambassador for promoting the arts to young people through workshops and festival productions. Other plays include Albert Street, Dried Flowers, In My Life, and A Stranger in Our House.

Book preview

This is dedicated to all the actors, directors, technicians and designers

who have been a part of Separate Beds over the years.

But most of all, to my husband, Brian, who never tired of reading my drafts

and who still puts the twinkle in my eye.

Separate Beds was originally produced by Theatre Aquarius in Hamilton, Ontario, in 2002 as a one-act play. It was performed by David Ferry and Kyra Harper. In 2004 it became a two-act play with the same two actors playing both couples.

Since 2004 it has been performed across the world, including in Kingston, Ontario; Geneva, Switzerland; Long Island, New York; Salzberg, Austria; Port Colbourne, Ontario; Auckland, New Zealand; and Charlottetown, PEI.

Characters

To be performed by two actors. (Of course, depending on the needs of the theatre, it can be performed by four actors.)

ERNIE Fraser, fifty-five

TWINK Fraser, fifty

BLAKE Stone, fifty-five

BETH Stone, forty-nine

Set

The action takes place in a cabin suite and on the breakfast deck of a cruise ship. In the cabin suite there are two single beds. The patio area has a small round table with two chairs. In act two the single beds are pushed together.

Note

Names of places, expressions and references may be changed to suit the local audience. Music selections are only suggestions. However, I Got You Babe is highly recommended.

Act One

A cruise ship sailing in the Caribbean. Island music is playing softly. The lights are dim in a cabin suite. ERNIE and TWINK are tucked into their separate beds.

TWINK

Ernie?… Are you sleeping?

ERNIE

Now what?

TWINK

What if there’s not enough lifeboats?

ERNIE

Twink!

TWINK

Or there’s a hurricane or a tsunami?

ERNIE

Go to sleep. You’re driving me crazy! There’s enough lifeboats—not hurricane season—no tsunamis in the Caribbean. Go to sleep.

TWINK

I only asked a question. You don’t have to be so grumpy.

ERNIE

I’m not grumpy. I’m tired. My back hurts.

TWINK

Because you don’t do your stretches.

ERNIE

Because I sat for five hours on a plane in a seat made for sardines. Then I sat for two hours at the muster station learning the drills, and then I sat another two hours for dinner. So now can we go to sleep?

Pause.

TWINK

But I can’t sleep. I need to get something off my chest. I need to vent.

ERNIE

Vent. Hurry up.

TWINK

Okay. You embarrassed me.

ERNIE

Me? What the heck did I do?

TWINK

You were rude to our dinner partners.

ERNIE

Rude? I wasn’t rude. I hardly said a word.

TWINK

Exactly. You hardly said two words and you had that look on your face all night.

ERNIE

What look?

TWINK

That bored look.

ERNIE

Because I was bored. The guy is full of himself. He talked about himself all night. And he bored me to death with his African safari stories. And his wife was the rude one, not me! She kept texting all through dinner.

TWINK

Because Beth’s an actress and she was texting her agent. She’s waiting to hear about a movie role. I wonder what it is? She couldn’t tell me.

ERNIE

Who cares?

TWINK

I care! I’ve never met a real live movie star before.

ERNIE

Movie star? I’ve never heard of her.

TWINK

She’s been on The Young and the Restless—twice—and she was on Broadway with Dustin Hoffman. And right now she’s in that cute dog-food commercial. Little Joey loves that commercial!

ERNIE

That’s her? Really?

TWINK

Yes. Of course she’s wearing a wig. But that is Beth Stone. So there.

ERNIE

Okay. I rest my case. I do like that commercial. I love how Joey imitates that little dog. Now can we go to sleep?

They both get settled.

TWINK

Oh, Ernie. I just want us to have some fun. And the kids paid a lot of money for this trip.

ERNIE

The kids should have saved their money.

TWINK

That’s my point. They did save their money because they want us to celebrate our thirtieth anniversary in style. And they want you to relax. They’re worried about you. You are so stressed out.

ERNIE

Well, I have good reason to be stressed out. Business is bad.

TWINK

It’s slow for everyone.

ERNIE

But I can’t compete with Home Depoooooooooooo—

ERNIE has the beginnings of a charley horse in his leg.

Charley horse!

TWINK bolts out of bed and turns the bedside light on. She is wearing her life jacket.

TWINK lifts his leg, straddles it with her backside facing