Fantasies From The Kitchen Sink

By Fiona McAndrew

After a wildly successful and scandalous career as a stripper, Fifi Lemott pens her memoirs and makes a fortune. She then buys the house of her dreams in the quintessential town of Dorking, and embarks upon on a journey of adventure and mischief in the hope of finding love. 

In her search for a new life of romance and respectability, Fifi finds her path crossing with sexually frustrated pensioners, and finds herself baking cakes for the Women’s institute laced with Marijuana.  She also teaches them how to Pole dance, and fights a battle of wills with the town’s controversial book reviewer, Ted Pembleton. 

On a visit to LA to stay with an old friend, Fifi is seduced by the gardener, which ends disastrously.  A surprise phone call from her flamboyant gay agent Luka brings Fifi back to England for the Queen’s garden party, where all hell breaks loose when she discovers that some of the Dorking residents are also attending. 

Fifi, not beaten, but lonely and bored, sells up and returns home to her mother’s house in Gateshead.  The death of a friend and a brief encounter with a long lost love brings Fifi’s world crashing down. 

With the help of a transsexual drag artist called Elspeth, Fifi re-evaluates her life, returns to LA, and starts once again to write her next adventures. 

Darkly humorous tales filled with poignant reality and the ridiculously funny.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Spangaloo Publishing
• Release date: Sep 2, 2014
• ISBN: 9781502290793

Book preview

Chapter 1

Fifi Hits The Big Time

––––––––

The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes.

Agatha Christie.

Fifi La Mott Hits The Big Time And Moves to Dorking

Fifi stepped from the car; her beloved poodles jumped out from behind her and immediately cocked their legs up to pee against a freshly painted fence post.

She finally arrived, not just to Dorking, but to the life she had always wanted.

The sales of her memoirs, The Life And Crimes Of A Newcastle Stripper were soaring. She had made a packet. Sex sells! said her publisher and editor Crank it up a bit Fifi! So she did. Every sordid and depraved act she had ever committed, she wrote about. She had slept with a long list of men.

No one would ever know the real truth....... that, in fact, Fifi was also a very good lapsed Catholic.

The money she made from her book sales had at long last allowed her to buy the house of her dreams, in the South, where she had always wanted to be. She had spent months preparing her quintessential English Cottage, the furnishings, décor, and garden. It reminded her of Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives.

Fifi’s neighbours were in the garden pruning roses when she arrived. They greeted her with a warm welcome. Fifi had met them on previous visits. She thought they were weird.

Hilda and Jim Blackcock looked slightly confused as Fifi took out from the back seat of her car, a life-sized cardboard cut out of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the Starship Enterprise, from Star Trek on the telly.

Oh he’s a big one isn’t he dear! said Hilda, nodding towards the cardboard cut-out.

Hilda, Jim, I want you to meet Jean-Luc.

Star Trek fan are you then Fifi? Jim asked staring at Fifi’s chest whilst scratching his crotch. I saaay!

No snapped Fifi. We met at a friend’s soirée a few years back. I took him home that night. We’ve been bosom buddies ever since Fifi lovingly massaged Jean-Luc’s chest with her highly polished fingernails. He’s been an absolute rock, she purred.

Well dear that’s nice. I must tell you, all the ladies at the Women’s Institute are reading your book.

They certainly are! Jim nodded in agreement, as he smacked Hilda’s ample backside.

Fifi noticed that Jim had what appeared to be dried porridge stuck to his jumper.

If you’ll both be so kind as to excuse me? It’s just that I need to get Jean-Luc and the dogs inside...

Yes of course dear, off you go, Hilda smiled. We would love you to pop into our Women’s Institute meeting this evening at seven dear. If you’re free, maybe you could sign a couple of books?

Absolutely, Fifi replied before slamming the front door closed behind her.

And saying to herself, Christ almighty! As she got her breath back.

Fifi took Jean-Luc straight upstairs to her bedroom. Everything was in place. She stood her Captain by the window, so he could survey the neighbouring properties in the pretty cul-de-sac. She sat down at her writing bureau.

I’m ready Jean-Luc.

Jean-Luc spoke. The log Fifi.

Fifi opened her laptop, and as it sprang to life, she sat poised waiting for her next command from Jean-Luc.

Take notes Fifi.

Of course Captain.

Captains log 2.45 pm, Dorking Lane. Jim and Hilda in the garden – sub-header; perverted pensioners.

Fifi typed the notes into the