Enjoy Parenting Teenagers: Teach, Guide and Assist Them to Become Self-disciplined Adults

By Bob Myers

Enjoy Parenting Teenagers is a 138 page relationship building ebook aimed at helping parents be a compass for their children and the wind beneath their wings. It also helps boost the confidence and self-esteem of parent and child.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 6, 2013
• ISBN: 9780987530004

Book preview

ABOUT THE AUTHOR.

Bob Myers is a father, grandfather and great grandfather who first became involved with disadvantaged teenagers in his capacity as an honorary probation officer and the director of a residential facility for young people who were either homeless or unable to live at home. Some of the young people were severely emotionally damaged and not only presented very challenging behaviour but also questioned most of the accepted beliefs and values of society. Bob adopted the radical approach that solutions had to be found for responding to both the behaviour and the questions of these young people, without the option of expulsion.

During that time, Bob wrote his first book, Parenting Teenagers in the 1990s, to assist the parents of residents, and others, to understand the situation they found themselves in and how they could respond to it. The Australian Council of Educational Research published that book in 1992 and also his second book, Raising Responsible Teenagers, in 1996.

After leaving the residential facility, Bob set up a private counselling service called Harmony in Dispute and also became a founding member of Pace e Bene Australia (PeBA), a service specifically set up to promote cultures of dynamic peace in families, workplaces and communities. His third book, Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness was published by Xlibris in 2011. Apart from writing, Bob facilitates PeBA nonviolence programs.

Enjoy Parenting Teenagers is a revised and updated version of Parenting Teenagers in the 1990s.

Enjoy Parenting Teenagers.

Teach, guide and assist them

to become self-disciplined adults.

Bob Myers.

Publisher: Harmony In Dispute.

Enjoy Parenting Teenagers.

Copyright 2013: Robert Joseph Myers.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Published by Harmony In Dispute, Victoria, Australia, 2013.

Harmony In Dispute

3 Brierly Street

Warrnambool

Victoria 3280.

Or online at: www.roadofpeace.com

Original line drawings by Julie Smith.

Cover illustration by Julie Smith.

ISBN:  978-0-9875300-0-4

Other books by Bob Myers:

Parenting Teenagers in the 1990s,

Raising Responsible Teenagers.

Travelling the Road of Peace and Happiness.

Table of Contents

CHAPTER ONE

AN OVERVIEW OF ADOLESCENCE.

Setting the scene.

A stage of turmoil and change.

Knowing how and when to let go.

Children now know their rights.

Coping with the rights of the child.

Parent of the child or parent to the child?

The teenager’s need for approval.

CHAPTER TWO

WHY CHILDREN BEHAVE AS THEY DO.

Who controls the parent?

The relationship between reason, cause and purpose.

Four effects of problem behaviour.

Power.

Attention.

Revenge.

Inadequacy.

Responding to problem behaviour.

How to react to a power struggle.

How to react to attention-getting.

How to react to revenge.

How to react to inadequacy.

CHAPTER THREE

CHANGING THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP.

What you can change.

The effect of the past on the present.

The effect of the present on the future.

How to decide who owns the problem.

When it is your child 's problem.

When it is your problem.

Sharing a problem.

How to reduce the range of problem areas.

Solving the problem.

How both of you can be winners.

CHAPTER FOUR

BEING ASSERTIVE WITH TEENAGERS.

Mutual respect.

When criticising, whose problem is it?

What are values?

The teenager's confused value system.

Where do values come from?

How to criticise teenagers' behaviour.

Give all the information necessary about the problem without demanding any correction.

Separate the Child from the behaviour.

Stick to one problem.

Be positive and encouraging.

CHAPTER FIVE

COMMUNICATING WITH TEENAGERS.

The rules of talking.

Eye contact.

Communication is a 50-50 deal.

Adding an insult.

Talk on the same level.

Questions.

Starting and ending conversations.

Offensive talk.

CHAPTER SIX

THE ADULT EMERGING FROM THE CHILD.

The parent, adult, child theory.

The three parts of every person's make-up.

CHILD.

PARENT.

ADULT.

The difference between PARENT/Parent, ADULT/Adult, and CHILD/Child.

Childish.

The role of the ADULT part of a teenager.

Questioning the PARENT file.

CHAPTER SEVEN

HELPING TEENAGERS MAKE ADULT DECISIONS.

Responsible behaviour.

Three parts of responsible behaviour.

The thinking part.

What are ’limits'?

Discipline.

Setting the limits for your family.

Problems areas.

Suggestions for setting appropriate limits.

Helping teenagers make decisions.

CHAPTER EIGHT

PUNISHMENT Vs CONSEQUENCES.

Rewards and punishments.

Consequences.

Some differences between punishment and consequences.

Changing to the use of consequences.

The practical use of consequences.

Kids can help make the rules.

Have kids set their own consequences.

The cooperation trade-off.

Problems after they leave home.

CHAPTER NINE

LETTING GO OF YOUR TEENAGER.

Drawing it all together.

Helping the teenager build an identity.

How and when to let go of the young adult.

Rescuing versus responsible behaviour.

Rescuing at the thinking stage.

Rescuing at the doing stage.

Rescuing at the consequences stage.

When can a child be held fully responsible?

Being accountable Vs being to blame.

Some final remarks.

CHAPTER ONE.

AN OVERVIEW OF ADOLESCENCE.

Setting the scene.

This book was written in response to the need for a simply-worded guide for parents who are experiencing difficulty in their relationship with their adolescent children, or who want to improve that relationship. In saying ‘their’ adolescent children I do not mean that the ideas, methods and examples presented here can only be used by the old, traditional two-parent families. In fact, so many teenagers now live in single-parent families or in families where there is one step-parent, or de-facto parent, that the traditional family is becoming something of a rarity. The term ‘parent’ is used throughout this book as a matter of convenience but should be taken to include any of the persons mentioned above. The information presented here can be used by any person who is fulfilling, or trying to fulfill, the role of a parent. Indeed, by altering the wording only slightly, the same ideas can be used by residential youth workers and social workers.

While we are on the subject of convenient terms, I have used many of the terms people commonly use when they talk about their offspring, such as kids, children, young people, young adults, teenagers, and adolescents, partly because this is how people talk, and partly because some of the topics and methods apply to all people, not just teenagers, and the wording will reflect this. Another point I need to make before proceeding is to briefly state what the job, or mission, or responsibility of parents involves. The role of parents is to teach, guide and assist children to become self-sufficient, self-controlled adults who will one day do the same for their children.

Parents who find it difficult to cope with the behaviour of a child seem to need two things, and they need those two things quickly.

They need to understand why the child is behaving that way.

They need to feel confident in their way of responding to the situation.

Parents sometimes think they will go crazy trying to work out a child’s behaviour, what they can do to control the situation, and how to correct the behaviour. Sometimes the parents come to believe the child must need psychiatric care because they find it so hard to make sense of the behaviour. It doesn't help much to ask the child for reasons because most children, especially adolescents, seem to limit their answers to all questions about reasons to either, Dunno, or, It was something to do, I was bored.

Many people come to doubt their worth as parents at this stage of their parenting , and wonder what has gone wrong. "Where did I go wrong,’ and ‘I know I’m not perfect but I didn’t think I was that bad either’ are two expressions of bewilderment commonly heard from parents having problems with their teenage children.

For some parents the difficulties experienced in the parent-child relationship go way back to the early years and become worse at adolescence. If this is how it has been for you, you may need to seek professional help. This doesn’t necessarily mean psychological or psychiatric help: it may be as simple as a talk with your doctor about the child’s general health, or about his diet. Many children act up badly after eating certain foods, especially those that contain artificial additives. Perhaps you could take note of any change in behaviour which occurs after eating or drinking junk foods, for instance, which very often contain artificial additives. There are books available which list food additives and their effects, and which tell you how to recognise the additives in a product by the numbers on the contents label. This subject will not be mentioned again but it is well worth keeping in mind. So too is the need to have a child checked for difficulties in things such as reading and hearing. These can also greatly affect a child’s behaviour.

In chapter two, an attempt will be made to answer the 'why' of what is often called problem behaviour. Some quite simple suggestions will be provided there and in later chapters, which you may wish to try in your own way in order to gain confidence in your responses to adolescent behaviour. For now though I just want to set the scene, to talk in general about being the parent of adolescent children.

A stage of turmoil and change.

Adolescence is a stage of parenting that takes many parents by surprise, and leaves them wondering what on earth is going on. It is a stage that requires you to change your parenting methods to match the changes that the child is going through. It requires using your old parenting skills in new ways and realising that you already have the skills to cope, you just need to become more aware of those skills. I hope to help you realise you are the expert on your family's problems and you know more about how to deal with them than any outside 'expert'.

So this book is about helping you to cope with this very special stage of parenting, by making practical suggestions about all kinds of situations. You will become aware of parenting skills you didn't know you had and remember many from earlier years that you will again find useful. After all, you by now do have many years of parenting experience and of course you once went through adolescence yourself.

Parents, then, are the experts on their families. No one can ever know the problems of a family like its members and each member has the capability of working towards solving problems which arise. All that parents need are the tools to help themselves and other family members find the solutions. In this book I will discuss some ways of dealing with problems and how to put these into action.

Adolescence is somewhat different to all other stages of parenting. However, there are similarities between the adolescent stage and earlier stages, in particular the two year old stage, so much so that some parents find it useful to think of adolescents as being two year olds with muscles. Thinking back to how they coped with the defiance and independence of that stage, they simply adapt those methods to suit the defiance and independence of the adolescent. Take care in using this method, however, because it usually doesn't work with the adolescent, of course, if your way of dealing with the two year old was to give her a hefty smack - the two year old with muscles may just thump you back.

One of the most striking similarities between an adolescent and a two year old is the way an adolescent will push the rules to see how far they will bend, to see just how much he can get away with. Remember how the two year old used to watch you and give you a cheeky grin as she held a finger just off the thing she was told not to touch? The adolescent is doing the same, testing the limits so he gets to know what behaviour people will accept before blowing their stack. It may be extremely annoying for parents, but the child really needs to find out what the limits are now that she is changing into a young adult.

The child is also moving into a different social scene and needs to find out what behaviour will be tolerated outside the home. To do this she may test the limits to see if they really are the limits or if people will accept a little more.

Limits and how to set them will be discussed more fully later. For now it is enough to say that limits that are either too strict or too loose will result in big trouble. Fortunately, there are some simple guidelines that will help you set workable limits. Again, these will be discussed in later chapters.

Two year olds and adolescents both experience major changes in their lives, which they must learn to cope with. For example, two year olds can now walk, and so they have to learn where they are allowed to walk and where it is not permitted, where it is safe to walk and where it is dangerous. They are also beginning to talk, and will have to learn what are acceptable and what are unacceptable words. While they have to be taught to say please and thank you, it seems they need no prompting to pick up 'bad' words. Children this age are discovering how to get their own way, by tantrums or by sweetness, and if they are to learn to use these skills wisely, they have to be aware of the consequences of what they do, that is, they must learn which behaviour pays off and which don't. And change is what adolescence is all about; physical, emotional, and psychological changes.

Parents expect their adolescent children to change physically, and generally this doesn’t cause too much hassle. It is suffice to say that boys and girls learn to adapt to these changes but need your guidance. Changes in attitude, however, may come at a surprise to you, and may even directly