The Wisdom of Death: Six Paths to Understanding Loss and Grief

By PV Villa Nuevo

The greatest fault found in other grief and loss books is they have not “systemized” the understanding process. Popular works have the information the reader needs so desperately spread throughout their pages or contained in multiple books.

There was a need for a book that plainly and simply “systemized” the journey through death, grief, sorrow, and anger. Needed was a book, which took the wisdom of the ages and applied it to several simple steps or paths.

The Wisdom of Death: Six Paths to Understanding Loss and Grief fills that need. It gathers the most important aspects of understanding loss and places them in a six-path system that enables the griever to grasp universal wisdom and truth easily and orderly.

Especially helpful is a "death timeline" where one can approximately determine a loved one's death by observing certain physical and spiritual symptoms. Also, the author discusses methods to responding to others, who are mourning, through a natural empathy. This is called the A.I.M. approach and has assisted many people.

The book contains information in an appendix that discusses financial matters one may face after losing a loved one. This includes a very useful and practical financial checklist. Cons, scams and other financial pit-falls are also examined.

Packed with wisdom, practical advice, and a spiritual view, The Wisdom of Death is a must read book for anyone who has lost a loved one through death. This book was born from first hand experience with the dying process rather than from a cold clinical psychological perspective. The author experienced everything he writes about.

The Wisdom of Death will impart to the reader a better understanding of the dying and grieving process.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fifthookmedia, LLC
• Release date: Jul 3, 2011
• ISBN: 9780983764410

PV Villa Nuevo

None

Book preview

The Wisdom of Death:

Six Paths to Understanding

Loss and Grief

By

Paul R. Villanueva

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Copyright 2011 Fifthook Media Smashwords Edition. This book is available in print at most online retailers.

ISBN 978-0-9837644-1-0

Smashword Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Contents

Chapter 1 - Introduction

Chapter 2 - The deaths

Chapter 3 – Path One: a time to die

Chapter 4 – The death timeline

Chapter 5 - Path Two: death in nature

Chapter 6 - A.I.M. approach for others

Chapter 7 - Path Three: where are they now?

Chapter 8 - Leaving your shoes

Chapter 9 - Path Four: the wisdom of anger

Chapter 10 - Creating through grief

Chapter 11 - Path Five: the new important

Chapter 12 - Path Six: the afterbirth

Chapter 13 - Memorials

Chapter 14 – Conclusion

Six paths at a glance

Appendix

About the author

Bibliography

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Chapter 1 - Introduction

Death is unique to each individual, much like fingerprints are one of a kind for each person. So are the experiences of the surviving loved ones. Other factors which make death unique are the age and gender of the deceased, the age and gender of the surviving loved ones, and each person’s spiritual maturity. One can see that because of the magnitude of experiences in loss through death, there are many views, which reflect a wide array of research in this subject matter.

In my own quest in understanding loss through death, I found many books written from many perspectives. Some emphasized the psychology of grief while others spiritualized death and loss. Many authors wrote from personal experience while others wrote from knowledge gained through research. I found that some writers wrote about experiences similar to the same things I was experiencing, and this confirmed my journey into understanding loss.

However, the greatest fault I found was that no one had systemized the understanding process. There was a need for a book that plainly and simply systemized the journey through death, grief, sorrow, and a host of other emotions and feelings. Instead, most books have the information spread and hidden throughout the book, or even worse throughout multiple books.

There was a need for a book that took the wisdom of the ages and applied it to several simple steps or paths in helping a person understand the loss of a loved one. The Wisdom of Death: Six Paths to Understanding Loss and Grief fills that need. It gathers together some of the most important aspects of understanding loss and arranges them in a six path system that enables the griever to grasp universal wisdom and truth easily and orderly.

One of the most helpful things you will find in this book is the death timeline, which assisted me in determining just about how much longer on earth my dying father had remaining. The chapter on the A.I.M. approach teaches you how to respond to others who are grieving, and teaches you to filter out negative comments spoken to you.

At the conclusion of the book, the six paths are revisited and summarized for the reader. Additionally, this book has an appendix at the end that discusses financial matters after experiencing loss. It reveals secrets and strategies that the death and dying business do not want you to know. I discuss cons and scams along with supplying a very practical financial checklist that may save you from experiencing even more grief than you already feel.

One must realize that the paths to understanding loss are not leading to a place where there is no more grief or pain from sorrow. The paths lead to different levels of understanding and coping. They sometimes cross, sometimes move in circles, and other times lead one to the valley as well as the mountain top. A person does not experience death of a loved one on any given day, and then travel forward in a straight line away from grief until they are no longer affected by the death, at which time they resume life as it was before the loss. They are permanently changed by the death.

The journey into healing is not straight or linear, but circular and spiraling up and down. In other words, when one experiences loss, emotions move in circles going up and down. Sometimes those circles cross the paths of memory, pain and sorrow. The circles become larger, and the pain of loss decreases with time as one travels in spirals up and down in a circular motion, but the pain of loss never goes away. Do not expect it to ever just go away.

Life is no longer the way it was before the death. It has been altered. It has been changed. A look, a deed, a smell, a thought, a memory, or any host of things can bring the pain of loss crashing in like a wave. Understanding this helps one ride those waves rather than drown in them.

The Wisdom of Death came from my experience with many deaths, but the most influential death was my father, who died at home in a hospice environment within two months of being diagnosed with a terminal cancer. Indeed his death was sudden, yet not so sudden that I could not participate in the dying experience with him. Yet, even with sudden and tragic death, one can participate in the journey of death’s wisdom.

I also participated in my father-in law’s dying experience just two months after the death of my father. His passing affected my life also, and he was just as much of an inspiration to me in writing this book as my own father.

The Wisdom of Death will teach you lessons about life, ones learned while participating in the dying experience. If only one chapter, phrase, or thought is helpful, then the goal has been accomplished. I am confident the reader will find the universality of death’s wisdom to be applicable to any situation. These universal truths will allow the reader to think and journey through their grief in order to obtain an understanding of their loss. Understanding leads to healing.

My intended audience is anyone, who has participated in or is participating in the dying experience and who may be seeking some assistance with their thoughts and feelings. I urge the reader to keep an open mind and heart. Reach out and grab the wisdom which death offers, and begin to live your life in a fresh and new way. Life is short, death is certain, so let us live in wisdom, fullness, and abundance.

Chapter 2 - The deaths

My father

My father died in his home. He had been a healthy and vigorous man for all of his seventy years. Eight weeks and two days before his death, they diagnosed him with cancer of the liver. He had a rare and fast-developing tumor that grew rapidly. The doctors said it was not caused by diet, genetics, lifestyle, or anything else he may have done. He simply contracted cancer. He was suddenly gone.

Born and raised in West Virginia within a coal mining community, his own mother died at the early age of 29 when he was only nine years old. He eventually migrated to Los Angeles, California, where he met my mother. His childhood, or lack of one, colored and influenced him and made him who he was.

Married for 53 years to my mother, he fathered three children. He retired eight years before his death and had worked hard for the greater portion of his life. After his death, some called him an angel because he could make people feel special. Many people were deeply affected by his life as well as by his death. He touched many with his words and deeds. I had no idea the depth his influence had on people. He deeply moved them and had many friends.

My father was not a religious man, as some would define religion. Yes, he went to church with my mother, played his guitar for the church, was involved socially in the group, and believed in the Christian faith. But he was not an avid reader or student of the scriptures. He was never a deacon or elder in the church. My father was not one to quote the Bible or to pray demonstrative for another in public.

He was not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination. He was not interested in discussing the five points of Calvinism, the differences in eschatology, or various theological issues. He was not an arrogant pompous hypocrite either. My father simply did not wear his Christianity like a badge to impress others around him with false religious behavior. What he had was so far greater. Simply stated, my father actually lived and practiced those kingdom values that Christ taught his disciples recorded in the scriptures. What a concept.

While my father lay dying at his home, his family was constantly by his side. We all learned some valuable lessons during that time, and our lives and perceptions were permanently changed. His death prompted me to seek universal truths in the dying experience. I had experienced death in others before, but never this close to home. That is what made the difference in my thinking.

My father-in-law

My father-in-law also became very ill. He was sick while my father was dying, but now he was close to death himself. My wife and I, having just experienced the dying process with my father, quickly recognized the signs of death on her father. It opened all the hurt and sorrow again, because we easily transferred our raw emotions to him.

Two months and 12 days after the death of my father, my father-in-law died. This was too short a time span for our comfort. My wife and I went through the same emotions as before, only this time we had the wisdom of death, and death continued to show us life.

Interestingly, he was not an overly religious man either. He did not wear his religion like a suit coat, to be put on and taken off at his convenience. But, he helped so many people and gave so much of himself away to others. At his memorial service, many people talked about how he helped refugees find jobs, shelter, food, and clothing.

He was well known for helping others like himself who struggled in a new country. He displayed true Biblical Christianity by loving his God