It Never Rhines but It Pours

By Erin Evans

Rhine maiden, Piper Cavanaugh, is on the job as a Guardian hit-man, but can she execute an innocent witch? When she discovers her target has been framed, Piper has to discover the true killer or risk losing her job – and her life. As she sorts through a dwindling number of suspects, Piper tries to keep her trigger-happy vampire friend in line, fix a back-fired spell, deal with some unwanted house guests, and still find time to mother her two toddlers. With every use of her power of command bringing her closer to immortality, Piper soon realizes, it never “rhines” but it pours!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Erin Evans
• Release date: Jul 2, 2011
• ISBN: 9781476445861

Erin Evans

Erin Evans is a stay-at-home mom of eight (!), wonderful, little children. When she's not chasing after children, changing diapers, teaching school, cooking, chauffeuring, or potty training, she is writing, playing drums at her church or crashed out dead asleep. In urban fantasy, she loves Charlaine Harris, Patricia Briggs, and Kim Harrison. All time favorite authors would be Robin Hobb and Jasper Fforde. Jim Butcher's Codex Alera has become one of her favorite series. BOOKS: - In her first series, "The Rhine Maiden", Erin based her character Piper Cavanaugh on her own life, but decided to have pity on Piper and only gave her two kids to start off with. - Erin's latest work, the "Pernicious Princess Trilogy" is a take on twisted fairy tales. - Her other works include "Food For Love", a foodie romantic comedy with a twist.

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Book Two in the Rhine Maiden Series

by Erin Evans

It Never Rhines but it Pours. 2nd edition

Copyright Erin Evans 2010, 2013

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For my mother,

who not only taught me the way to Neverland, Narnia, Middle Earth, and many other worlds, but also taught me how to write, dream big dreams, and, most importantly, how to be a good mother myself.

And for Katie,

who created incredible cover art, proofread my drafts, and pointed out glaring plot problems. Any mistakes and typos are all mine!

Chapter One

Guardians

I stared at the carnage before me. Broken, mangled bodies were everywhere. Some were still feebly moving, clinging to life as they slowly slid into oblivion. They had mostly died in pairs, although some had died alone.

There were hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Slaughtered for no other reason than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. When something hits you at seventy miles an hour you don’t have a chance. I frowned and made a face.

I detest lovebug season.

At least the car was a rental. I would hate to have to clean this mess off my car. Lovebugs, in addition to being worthless nuisances that plague our state two times out of the year, like to hang out on the highway and other roads. Their bodies are slightly acidic and, when splattered across the front of your car and then slowly baked in the hot Florida sun, can eat through your paint. Not to mention how hard it is to clean them off the windshield so that you can see to drive.

Urban legend says that they were genetically created in hopes of controlling the mosquito population. Instead, a non-biting, non-mosquito eating, constantly mating, and inedible bug was created that swarms twice a year. I doubt that is true. I don’t think scientists are capable of creating something so heinous. If they were, entomological warfare would be all the craze, and it’s not.

The rental car had started out white. It now had a heavy five o’clock shadow. Lovebugs show up wonderfully on a white car. I guess the idea is that the color white will keep the car cooler in the heat. Ha. Nice thought, but no. We had totally skipped winter this year and had gone straight from summer heat, to slightly cooler fall, right back to summer. Just stepping out of the air-conditioned car had made my sunglasses fog up. I took them off and squinted in the bright light as I cleaned them on the corner of my shirt.

Ugh! It’s hotter than an oven out here! My little sister Sarah was climbing out of the car. She was barely dressed at all in a skimpy tank top, cut off shorts, and flip-flops. I was also pretty sure she wasn’t wearing a bra. She was sixteen and had the figure of a runway model.

I was more conservatively dressed in light weight slacks and a sleeveless blouse. I could feel sweat pooling up inside my bra and wished that I was at home, drinking ice tea and enjoying the air-conditioning.

Sarah was finishing off her large DQ blizzard which was another source of contention between us. It wasn’t fair. I was only ten years her senior, but, as a mother of two, I had to carefully watch every bite I ate. Instead of ice-cream I had ordered a diet coke which I was leaving in the car to turn into a watery mess. I was still a little ticked that my traveling companions were both wolfing down sugar and fat like they would never grow old.

In the case of Cecily, it was true. She was frozen forever at somewhere in her mid-twenties. She could eat ice cream all day long and not gain a pound, and she was dead. As in vampire dead. Contrary to popular beliefs, she could walk about in the sunshine, she just looked like sleep deprivation with a hangover. When the sun set she would revert back to her usual cheery state. I didn’t know a lot of vampires, but I thought she was unnaturally jolly. It got on my nerves sometimes. That and the blood drinking. I tried to avoid anything that had to do with blood.

She was wearing her favorite combo of gauzy, asymmetrical skirt with matching color top, and strappy high heel shoes that I would break my neck just trying on. The heat didn’t seem to bother her at all, a fact which I added to my list of complaints.

I was grumpy, Sarah was teen-age sullen, and Cecily was exhausted. We made a great team. Just call us the PMS Girls.

Are ya’ll finished? I snipped, still mad that I wasn’t eating a blizzard. Who cares about being thin? Oh, yeah, I do. I just wanted to have my cake and eat it too, literally.

Yumm, Sarah sighed, overacting. Don’t you wish you had one of these? She waved her spoon under my nose.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Just wait, I answered maturely, When you get older it’s all going to hit you and you will turn into a blimp.

Whatever, Sarah rolled her eyes. Her silver bracelet gleamed in the sun as she raised her arms over her head in an exaggerated stretch.

It was my turn for the eye roll. Great, Sarah. If there were any teenage boys around I’m sure that pose would be very effective. Try to be a little professional!

Cecily slid out of the car and added a large brimmed hat and dark sunglasses to her ensemble. She looked like Audrey Hepburn, if Audrey had been taller, curvier, and had midnight black hair. The large claymore she was wearing sheathed across her back somewhat detracted from the overall look.

Do you have to bring that thing? I hissed.

She glowered at me, As Wielder of a Sword of Justice it is my job to be ready at all times. Besides, she grinned, a killer whale sort of smile, I might get to use it today!

I groaned and tried to wipe sweat off my face without removing all my makeup.

"Remind me again why you get to be the Wielder?" Sarah asked petulantly.

You want to cut someone’s head off, slurpee? Cecily snarled.

Maybe I’d start with yours, Sarah shot back.

Cut it out, you two! I cried. We’re all cranky and nervous and the last thing we need to do is fight with each other!

Yes, Mom, Cecily and Sarah said at the same time.

They laughed. Apparently mocking me united them. The enemy of my enemy and so forth.

You’re sure that no one can see that thing? I was highly skeptical. After all, it was huge, and I could definitely see it.

Cecily yawned, We’ve been over this, Piper. Only magical beings can see the sword. Humans won’t even know I have it.

Non-magical humans, I corrected her. I had fought too hard to join the United Supernatural Beings as a human to let that one slide.

Until Sarah and me, humans had been completely in the dark so far as supernatural beings were concerned. Vampires, werewolves, Fae, and all the others kept themselves out of human knowledge. In fact, the one law instantly punishable by death, with no trial, was to do something that might even risk humans finding out about the rest of the beings that share their planet.

The only reason Sarah and I were hanging out with a vampire was because we were not exactly normal ourselves. As an adolescent I had discovered the ability to command people’s obedience, but forcing someone to act against their will is a horrible violation and I had promised myself I would never use my ability, except one night in college when I had to use it to save my roommate’s life. I’d gotten married, had two beautiful little girls, and thought that I could live the rest of my life as a normal human, when I slipped up. It was all Sarah’s fault. If she hadn’t been such a rebellious pain in the butt, and if my parents hadn’t gone out of town and left me in charge, nothing would have happened.

I used my Voice in a public place, and was visited that night, not by one of the spirits of Christmas, but by my own personal vampire. I had previously known her as my friendly next door neighbor who worked the night shift at the morgue. I was understandably a little surprised when she saved my life from a Guardian hit. See, I had broken that one important law and was a free target. Cecily saved my life that night by taking the bullets herself. In retrospect it was a good thing. I would have had a much harder time believing that she was a vampire if I hadn’t seen her body magically heal after the bullets were pulled out.

Cecily had been assigned to kill me after a vampire I had unwittingly embarrassed lied about me abusing my powers. She had quickly seen that I wasn’t using my Voice at all and had requested that I be put on parole. Allowed to live as long as I continued to never use my ability again.

To save my life, I had to appeal for membership in the USB. The United Supernatural Beings. They remind me of a magical version of the United Nations. They probably based themselves on the UN but they would never admit that. Humans are the lowest of the low on the totem pole and copying anything a human created is embarrassing for a supernatural being.

Long story short, I was allowed to join as a human if I could find another human with mental abilities. Enter Sarah. I should have known she had a gift. There was no way that someone as wild as she was could have my parents totally wrapped around her little finger. I had thought that my parents were just getting tired in their old age. Sarah was allowed to do things, go places, and dress in ways that would have had me grounded for a year.

When my husband, Mark, didn’t remember a huge altercation between Sarah and myself, the altercation that forced me to use my Voice for the first time in years, I knew she had a gift.

My gift is vocal, hers is more mental. She can change people’s memories. My parents didn’t know that she was running around dressed like a gothic whore with a groping boyfriend. She had changed their memories. That still ticks me off. I would like to point out that I never used my Voice against my parents. At least, not knowingly. It took me a while as a child to figure out what was going on.

Cecily did a little research for us and discovered that we are descendents of the Rhine Maidens. Remember Odysseus tying himself to his mast and stuffing his sailors’ ears with wax so that he could listen to the sirens’ song? Those sirens were Rhine Maidens. A couple of them got it on with humans and then abandoned their subsequent offspring. Rhine Maidens weren’t known for having much human empathy. The children of those children and so forth eventually married and were my parents. Somehow the magic strain skipped all those generations and landed on Sarah and me. Our other sister and brother have no abilities that I know of. Just lucky, lucky me and my annoying little sister.

All this probably sounds great. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be boss of the world? Imagine what you could do if everyone had to obey you! It has a catch. Isn’t there always a catch? Not only does my Voice only work for about ten minutes, give or take, depending on how mentally strong the person is, but if I use it too often I run the risk of turning immortal.

Sarah is thrilled by this. She thinks being immortal sounds fabulous. She is an idiot. Did I mention that she is sixteen? It goes with the territory.

So, Sarah and I were allowed to join the USB as humans. Big whoop. Even better, we were allowed to live. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I know my ability is real. I’ve seen it work. But come on! Witches with magical powers? People who turn into animals? How can that possibly be? How could humans be so oblivious to what is going on around them?

Speaking of hard to believe, I’ve also been told that aliens are coming to earth. Yep. Aliens. I laughed too. How sci-fi can you get? The big hoopla about our joining as humans had a lot to do with the possible alien invasion. The witches and some other members wanted to declare open season on humans. Come out of the shadows and start killing people. The witches in particular get most of their power from death magic. The more humans they are allowed to kill, the more power. The more power, the better their ability to protect earth if the aliens are not friendly.

The vampires also would potentially benefit from not having to hide anymore. Instead of drinking from blood banks or other undercover means that I don’t want to think about, they could go on a rampage and stock up as it were. Same for some of the other magical species. If staying hidden was no longer the primary objective then, theoretically, they would all be more powerful and therefore less likely to be wiped out by an alien attack.

I, understandably, had some huge problems with this. As a human I thought it rather important that I protect my species. Being the occasional snack item is bad enough, but becoming the main course would be horrific.

Cecily backed me up on this. She, and others, believe that coming out of hiding would be a mistake. Either humans would freak and start the witch hunt of the ages, or humans would be wiped out and then the magical beings would have to start feeding off each other. World War III. I wasn’t too concerned with the war part; after all, we humans would all be dead at that point. I was more concerned with the all being dead part.

By joining the USB as humans, Sarah and I effectively kept the protective status on all of humanity. We argued that if there are two, then there must be more. I’d like to be able to meet them, but I’m working on the assumption that they are out there.

The witches are still trying to argue that our membership should be revoked and we should be executed. It might have something to do with a certain fertility statue the Fae and werewolves had me steal from a homeless shelter the witches were using to harvest humans. The bottom line, the witches hate mankind in general and me in particular.

The downside of being a protected member species of the USB is the taxes. Every species has to pay a tax. Sarah is underage and unemployed. I’m married with a joint bank account and a husband who I haven’t gotten around to telling the truth to yet. I know, I know. Marriage is built on trust. That is exactly why I can’t tell him. It would destroy his trust in me. I’ve racked up too many lies at this point to come clean. Or so I keep telling myself. I’m just a big chicken. I’m scared Mark will leave me if he knows the truth, and I couldn’t stand to lose him.

We had to work a deal to cover our taxes. Sarah and I are now members of the same hit squad that tried to assassinate me. The Guardians. Our job is to use our combined abilities to cover up any magical mishaps. No classes, no training, just get out there and clean things up! Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how annoying she is being, Cecily was able to join our team. Part of the job is whacking any supernatural being who crosses the line and gets caught. Or who, in the Guardian’s opinion, might cross the line and might get caught. Lots of room for leeway.

Cecily was delighted with her part of the team. Not only did she get to carry a wicked big sword, but she was also allowed to use it to chop people’s heads off! And, triple bonus, she had permission to drain the victim, I mean criminal, of blood if she so desired. Heaven for a vampire. I wasn’t so thrilled. I was okay with manipulating human minds and erasing memories so that they didn’t stumble upon the supernatural world, but being judge, jury, and executioner was a little over the top for me.  Which would be why I wasn’t carrying the dumb thing.

They have a metal detector, I stubbornly pointed out to Cecily. I was really hoping she would leave it in the car and thus not even have the possibility of using it.

Piper, she yawned again, it’s a magic sword. No one will see it, feel it, smell it, nor will it set off a metal detector. Relax.

I made a face at her. Relax my backside. Our very first job and we get Witches Gone Wild in Kissimmee. Close to our home town of Melbourne, which is why we were assigned the job, but still a little big for first-timers.

All right, ladies, I said, Let’s go over the plan one more time.

Good grief, Sarah whined, It’s a million degrees out here. Couldn’t we have gone over it in the car?

I didn’t think of it in the car, I answered regally. Okay. Here goes. We walk in. I say that we are the legal representation for the guy and command them to take us to him. Sarah, you be changing their memories as we go so they don’t remember any of this as soon as my command fades. I command them to let him out. Here’s where you come in, Cecily, you keep him under control until we get out of the building. Sarah, still changing those memories. Quick and simple. In and out. Any questions?

They both shook their heads. We had gone over this a bunch of times on the drive over. I was just stalling for time. I did not want to walk into that police station. It was a pretty building with red brick on the sides and huge curved walls of glass in the middle. And by pretty I mean pretty scary. It looked huge to my smaller town eyes. The parking lot was small and curved around the front of the building where the mandatory flags hung listlessly in the mid-day heat. We would start to draw attention if we stood out here much longer.

I took a deep breath, Okay then. Let’s do this.

Chapter Two

The Hit

It was rather anti-climactic to be almost totally ignored when we walked into the police station. We stepped through the metal detector, having our purses rifled as we did so. They took my tweezers but Cecily breezed right through with her claymore strapped to her back. Guess she was right about its magical discreetness.

I walked up to the main desk and waited, and waited. The police officer receptionist was busy filing her nails and chatting on the phone. She wouldn’t even make eye contact. I tried clearing my throat. Still no response.

Use your Voice, Cecily whispered in my ear.

Easy for her to say, she had already come to terms with living forever. I still wanted to be normal. I was only going to use my ability if I had to, and not a smidgen more. Cecily could just learn a little patience.

Sarah was draped next to me reading a newspaper that had been left open on the counter. The police officer working the metal detector was not making eye contact either. He was too busy staring at Sarah’s butt. I sighed.

Check this out, Piper, Sarah said in a low voice.

I tried a subtle hand wave in the peripheral vision of the receptionist. She glared at me like I’d yelled something rude and held up one finger. Was that one more minute? Or one warning? I wasn’t sure.

What? I said to Sarah.

She slid the newspaper in front of me. It was a local paper, the Osceola News Gazette. (I’ve always wondered what a gazette was.) Sarah was pointing to a human interest story. The headline read Human Lie Detector Wows Audience. It was a short enough article that it only warranted a small picture of a boy’s face. I skimmed it quickly. Some young man claimed to be able to tell when people were lying. He had done a show at a local community theater and impressed everyone with his accuracy.

I looked blankly at Sarah, What about it?

Human lie detector, she said.

I can read.

Human. Lie. Detector, she stressed every word.

I shook my head, I’m not following you here.

She gave me a look laden with meaning, "You know," she stressed the first word.

I was really missing something here. What? He reads body language? Like the guy in that TV show?

Maybe, she sounded all mysterious. Or maybe not.

I finally got it. Oh. I blinked. I don’t know. Maybe.

Maybe his ability went beyond reading body language and into a real ability. A magical ability. That would really take some of the pressure off at the USB if we could produce yet another magical human.

Cecily was reading over my shoulder. Ah. She got it instantly.

The woman behind the counter was wrapping up her phone call.

We’ll discuss this later, I mouthed and was ready with a big, fake smile as soon as the phone hit the cradle.

Hi! I said with forced cheer. We’re here to see Richard Parker.

There was instant wariness in the room. I felt very uncomfortable.

And you are? the lady asked.

I kept my smile going. His legal representation.

Wariness turned to disgust.

I see, her mouth was turned down in disdain. Your name please. She held out a sign-in clipboard.

I felt so sneaky. I knew the clipboard was coming and I was ready for it. The last time I had to write a false name on a clipboard I had totally blanked out. This time I was prepared. I wrote Arabella Mansfield. Yeah, I didn’t know who she was either until I Googled the first female lawyer. I thought it was a nice touch. It’s the little things that make for a really professional job.

I handed the clipboard to Sarah who scrawled Mary Smith. Very unoriginal.

Cecily’s was so sloppy I doubt even she could read it. She handed it back to the police officer.

IDs, please.

Here came my part of the job.

You don’t need to see our IDs, I commanded with the Voice. Please take us back to Mr. Parker at once.

It was pretty cool. I always felt like a Jedi warrior when I used my Voice. These are not the droids you are looking for.

I’ll buzz you into the back, the woman said. Go around the counter here and wait at the door on the right.

We obeyed and, when the door unlocked, pushed through into the back hallway.

An intercom clicked by my head. Go down the hallway to the end and the officer there will let you into the cell area.

Thanks! I waved to the air. I assumed that they had cameras watching everything in this building. Did you-? I asked Sarah about the memory fixing.

Yes, Piper, she rolled her eyes. I know what I’m doing.

Shall we, ladies? Cecily inquired.

I still couldn’t believe that no one could see the giant sword on her back. I hoped that whoever cast the invisibility spell on it had thought about cameras. Holy crap! What about vampires? Wasn’t there something about not showing up in mirrors or on film?

Do you show up on security cameras? I whispered to Cecily as we walked down the hallway. Man this place was dirty! The walls and floors were scarred concrete and naked light bulbs hung from the ceiling. Talk about inhospitable. I guess criminals shouldn’t expect the Ritz when they got caught.

Cecily smiled at me, Another old wives tale, Piper. Quit worrying so much.

She’s always been like this, Sarah chimed in.

Yeah, whatever, I grouched. It’s not like I don’t have legitimate things to worry about here.