On Robots and Leprechauns

By Alan Lickiss

A collection of five science fiction and fantasy short stories previous published in various anthologies and magazines.
-Kicking and Screaming Her Way to the Alter
-Water Goeth Before the Fall
-Alternate Marketing
-The Dogma Wagging the Prophet
-The Case of the Allergic Leprechaun

• Language: English
• Publisher: Viking Horde Media
• Release date: Jan 18, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458120045

Alan Lickiss

Alan Lickiss was raised in the suburbs of Washington DC, where he met and married his wife Rebecca. He lives along the front range in Colorado with his wife, children, and an ever changing variety of pets the children just can't seem to live without. Alan writes science fiction, fantasy, and mystery stories. He is also an avid photographer.

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On Robots and Leprechauns

Alan L Lickiss

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Copyright 2010 Alan L Lickiss

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Acknowledgements

Kicking and Screaming Her Way to the Alter

First published in The Future We Wish We Had, 2007, DAW Books

Water Goeth Before the Fall

First published in All Hell Breaking Loose, 2005, DAW Books

Alternate Marketing

First published in Analog Science Fiction and Fact January 2002

The Dogma Wagging the Prophet

First sold to the e-book anthology 44 Clowns: 11 Stories of the 4 Clowns of the Apocalypse

The Case of the Allergic Leprechaun

First published in Something Magic This Way Comes, 2008, DAW Books

Table of Contents

Kicking and Screaming Her Way to the Alter

Water Goeth Before the Fall

Alternate Marketing

The Dogma Wagging the Prophet

The Case of the Allergic Leprechaun

Kicking and Screaming Her Way to the Alter

I don't care what you say, that's not my father.

Jeffrey groaned, not bothering to internalize it so the customer wouldn't be offended. He had been arguing in circles with his client, the soon to be Mrs. Rene Stevens, or as Jeffrey liked to think of her, the brat, for the past hour while they stood in his office. The thick blue carpet had long since stopped soothing his feet. No amount of evidence could convince her that his staff had created an accurate android of her father complete from his physical appearance down to his disgust of professional baseball players.

But Miss, he looks exactly like to holo you provided, said Jeffrey.

The brat stomped her foot, actually stomped, and shoved her fists toward the floor. No, no, no, no, no, she said as she looked down at her stomping foot and shook her head back and forth. The short blonde hair whipped back and forth, fanning her perfume around the room. Jeffrey almost laughed when he thought about the wave in her hair waving at him.

Jeffrey retreated behind his desk. Miss, if you could be more specific at the deficiency in our work I could make sure we correct the android.

For one, my father was taller, the brat said. She had stopped her tantrum, but had switched to pouting while standing with her hands on her hips, one hip cocked out toward him.

In the six months he had been working with the brat, Jeffrey had learned every one of her give-me-what-I-want-now poses. This one he had labeled little girl number four. Unfortunately for all her stances and facial expressions the brat only had one tone, a whiney high pitched one that was worse than fingernails on slate to Jeffrey. It's only variance was in how loud she spoke.

Miss, we have checked your father's drivers licenses, his passport, and even, forgive my indelicateness, his measurements taken by the undertaker who interned him. All of them agree, your father was five foot eight. As he listed each item, Jeffrey pointed to the copies he had obtained that were now laid out on his desk.

I decided to allow your company to service my wedding because you promised that the father I remembered would be able to give me away, said the brat. She extended her arm and pointed to the android, the tip of her finger inches away from its nose, That is not tall. My father was this tall. The brat was the same height as the android. When she stood on her tip toes and held her hand high above her head she gave her father a height over seven feet tall.

I'm sorry, Miss, our contracts are very clear, said Jeffrey. He reached into the spread of papers on his desk and fished out the signed contract.

You see, he said, underlining the fourth clause of the contract with the motion of his finger, We commit to creating the android from all official sources of documentation as to the physical features and characteristics of the loved one that has passed on. Jeffrey waved the contract toward the android. That we have done.

But-

Jeffrey raised his hand to hold her off, and was amazed when she stopped. "When you had an issue with how the android behaved, saying it was too stilted and nothing like your father, we contacted his living friends and family and interviewed them extensively about