Bolg PI: The Vampire Bride

By Dave Freer

A humorous, satirical noir detective urban fantasy, set in a small city in flyover country, which has an unusually high population of Trolls, werewolves, fairies and a dwarf.

Private Investigator Bolg, a Pictish gentleman who happens to be vertically challenging, a self-proclaimed dwarf and tattooed so heavily he appears blue, finds himself called on undertake paranormal cases: in this case tracing the Vampire bride's absconded or kidnapped groom.

The groom should have been a troll by the name of Billy Gruff, the manager and owner of the Ricketty-Racketty Club - a topless bar and nightclub. Bolg finds himself, and his client embroiled in murder, extortion and a Celtic wizard. The latter is supposedly helping him, but wizard's help is not always what it you think it will be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dave Freer
• Release date: Jul 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476287621

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Bolg, PI: The Vampire Bride

by Dave Freer

Copyright C 2012.

Smashwords edition published by Dave Freer, 2012.

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction, in whole or in part in any form. This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

BOLG PI

DAVE FREER

You Son-of-a-bitch! she screamed. You’re gonna DIE, damn you!

I dived forward. Rolled. Metal shrieked above me. Can’t we talk? I yelled trying to get flatter than the 10 inch steel I-beam I was hiding behind. I didn’t even try to reach for my gun. Lead would just make her madder.

Talking time is OVER, hissed Gabriella, stalking forward, her Berretta ready. I’m gonna shoot your butt, squirmer. I can see it. Then I’ll shoot your balls off. Then…

My reaching hands grasped a solid piece of steel off-cut. Razor edged. Nasty. I twisted and flung it with desperate strength. Hit her.

Scrambling up, I sprinted headlong at her. The bullet seared along my back as I jinked left. I threw myself at her.

No! she yowled as I ripped at her gun arm. We fell together, wrestling on the oily floor. The thunder of gunfire echoed in my head, with the taste of blood and cordite in my mouth, as the gun clattered away. I wrapped my legs around her, locked ankles as she raked savagely at my eyes. I pulled my face back. Grabbed her hand. Squeezed with my legs, crushing the breath out of her.

I hate you! she gasped. Bit, but I let her white sharp teeth bite on her own slim fingers.

I hate me too, I tightened the scissors-grip on her lower chest, as she tried to writhe free. So, can you tell me why you want to kill me more than I want to kill me, if I let you breathe? I was starting to feel the pain and shock now. My mouth was dry, and full of bubbly spit and the taste of vomit. Her malignant, contorted face was as white—in the stark moonlight through the ruined roof—as her wedding dress had been. Well, white except for the scarlet blood dripping down her forehead.

I tightened my grip. I still have horse-rider’s thighs from my youth. Nod when you are ready to talk, I said, wishing I knew why women always wanted to kill me or put drinks down on my head.

It was, I was sure, all going to be my fault. Some things you don’t need a private investigator to find out. I was one, with a pretty shiny official card and all, but I couldn’t afford to hire myself. Not that I was pricy, but because I was broke. I kept right on squeezing. Killing one of the undead is usually quite difficult, but you can make busty vampires like Gabriella short of breath. I was not sure if they actually needed to breathe to go through with their semblance of life, but they do need breath to make their vocal chords work. And if Gabriella was deprived of the pleasure of killing me, she’d eventually want to talk. Or at least yell.

It took quite a while, but I concluded that yes, there must be some form of aerobic respiration happening in vampires, unlike in zombies, where respiration is definitely anaerobic. You can’t even drown zombies. Gabriella’s lips were going a little blue by the time she nodded. It suited her, I thought. Went well with her hair. But then, I like blue. I have to.

I relaxed my grip slightly. She tried to squirm free, so I squeezed harder again. Try not to be dumber than rocks. I know it’s a challenge for you. Tact has always been my strong point. I’ve had something like two thousand years to practice it, so I must be getting close to perfect, right? And I am not like one of the undead. I have had to put up with living all of that time. And some of it was a challenge for me too, even when women weren’t trying to kill me. There were always other problems. Men trying to kill me, that kind of trivia. Taxes. Census takers.

She nodded again. So I let her breathe. She didn’t try anything this time around. If I’d been as dumb as she is, instead of merely as dumb as I am, I’d have figured that I was out of trouble. Eventually she’d get around to talking. Fortunately, I was here on my own time, and not billing myself per hour.

This is all your fault, Bolg, she muttered sulkily.

Yeah, so I was right. My fault. There is something satisfying about being right, even when it would have been nice to be wrong. Now all I needed to know was just what I was being blamed for. I’d probably done it, but usually, when I knew some woman was going to try and kill me as a result, I was careful to be elsewhere. Also, in the private investigating business, mostly I investigate things to be

Reviews for Bolg PI

[baronessz · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

fun, would like to see it in a book form like the harry dresden files, but maybe it is and i just dont know about it. just diescovered this author and story set tonight. i'll read more.

its light and fun, just what i was in the mood for. there is another author it reminds me of a bit but i cant think of who. Not in a derivative way, but just similar in tone. its someone fun and funny.