To Risk Is To Live

By Catlin Jane Odell

To Risk Is To Live

A sensuous love story which take us into the lives of two women, Teri and Jessie, and their battles with age differences, family matters, and personal issues.
Teri, a successful early middle aged lesbian, who dives into therapy to increase her self awareness and overcome her struggles with shame, intimacy, relationships, and boundaries.
Jessie, a younger woman struggling with issues of abandonment, intimacy, and relationships stemming from a being abandoned by her mother as a young child, and then trying desperately to re-enter her life some thirty years later.
The love of these two women transcending the enormous struggles they face in a modern day lesbian relationship. Only they find more complications than either of them ever dreamed of when the reappearing lost mother turns out to be Teri's first Lesbian lover.
The twists and turns of this story tax both of these women to their breaking points. Will their capabilities of dealing with their personal issues, and their relationship with each other survive this new complication?
Set against the backdrop of Denver, Colorado and the beautiful Rocky Mountains, the characters in this thought provoking novel are engaging, as they struggle with stepping out into their own womanly power.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Catlin Jane Odell
• Release date: Jul 4, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476175126

Catlin Jane Odell

Catlin lives on a North Central Texas Farm with her partner of 18 years. She is a college graduate with degrees in Agriculture; and she loves motorcycling, shooting sports, reading good novels, occasionally traveling, and writing. Her barnyard contains a menagerie of creatures, large and small.

Book preview

To Risk Is To Live

By Catlin Jane Odell

Copyright 2012 Catlin Jane Odell

Smashwords Edition

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Author's Note:

This Book is fiction. The therapy concepts are strictly my own interpretation. The therapist characters in this writing are my personal concept and perception of two very caring and dedicated professionals that I had the distinct privilege of knowing during a period of my life. The remaining characters represented, may resemble people I have known; however, they are composites of the many women I have had the pleasure of enriching my life through the years. Areas of geography, certain locales and establishments in the Denver, Colorado area do exist. It is my hope, that in writing this book, I was able to provide entertaining reading. I also hope the therapy pieces were presented clear enough to help someone who might be struggling with the same issues. May you find the courage to be with yourself, respect and honor yourself to the enrichment of your own life and personal relationships.

May you take the risk to live, with my love, to all the Lesbian Women of the World.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Spring Time In The Rockies

Chapter 2: September Color Changes

Chapter 3: A Night On The Town

Chapter 4: Love Is In The Air

Chapter 5: The Truth Be Told

Chapter 6: Good Byes All Around

Chapter 7: Friends And Family

Chapter 8: A More Perfect Union

Chapter 9: Shocking Family Ties

Chapter 10: Revelations

Chapter 11: Johnnie Walker Black

Chapter 12: Leaping Lesbian Follies

Chapter 13: A Wondrous Soul

Chapter 14: Beware The Ides Of March

Chapter 15: Coming Out Never Ends

Chapter 16: Love Springs Eternal

About The Author

Soon to come at Smashwords from Catlin Jane Odell

Chapter 1 Spring Time In The Rockies

April in Denver can be very fickle, but billboards, tourist brochures, and magazines display countless picture-post-card-perfect scenes of spring time in the Rockies. They neglect to mention, that all of these photos are taken during the whole five days of spring!!! Little do the tourists know, spring time doesn't usually exist, it goes straight from winter to summer. Forty degrees and 8 inches of snow one day, and 80 degrees the next, and then ‘zappo’, 95 and up. No chance to adjust. Winter coats to shorts. At least it seems that way. After twenty years you'd think I would be used to it by now. But no, not me, I keep thinking what it's like at home. The corn is already two feet tall and the sorghum is about six inches high. Wheat is headed, and all of the trees are in full leaf, with a green blanket of grass, splashed with wild flowers such as Bluebonnets, Indian Blankets, Daisies, Indian Paint Brushes, Wine Cups, Phlox, and Foxglove splashing the hills with an artist's palette of color. Here in Denver, a few trees, mostly Cottonwoods have forced tender pale yellow green leaves out of their winter security blankets. If you look really close, a few infantile grass shoots poke their spears up through the remaining snow. The only really visible greens are Rocky Mountain Blue Spruce, Ponderosa Pine, and other evergreen trees and shrubs that people planted.

Hey! You idiot! Where'd you get your drivers’ license? Out of a cereal box? People in the city are always in such a damn big hurry. God damn city anyway! I hate rush hour traffic, and it's still early! Talking to myself out loud is a habit, especially in stressful situations. My conversations with myself are not always out loud, but are usually there. And sometimes, I beat up on myself severely, lashing out at myself for being imperfect. This verbal self abuse developed at an early age, and after forty years of practice... I'm an expert. It's a hard cycle to break. But that isn't the only cycle I have that needs breaking.

Today is Wednesday, therapy day. I've been going to therapy for about a year now, since early menopause struck. The night sweats, and roller coaster emotions were just too much. Happy as a lark one minute and on the verge of tears the next for no reason. Medical Doctors don't know shit about menopause, because most of them are men, and they don’t believe it exists except in our minds! There were all of six books on the subject at the Tattered Cover, a large book store, and if the one of the larger book stores in the United States doesn't have a wide selection, it just doesn't exist. Menopause wasn't the only reason I sought out therapy. I began to notice myself flying off the handle in certain intimate situations and did not know why. So I had a discussion with Karen, one of my closest friends in the world. She suggested I might want to try therapy to find out why those situations were causing the reactions I was having. I had known for some time Karen was in therapy and it was really helping her through a lot of her childhood learned responses that weren't exactly healthy. Not healthy for herself or her personal relationships. Now this was something I had to think about, because the way I had been raised, only crazy people went to shrinks, not that Karen was crazy, far from it! But this idea of therapy was hard for me to apply to myself. It was OK, and was a healthy thing do. Lots of people went to therapists. Big Hollywood Movie Stars went to therapists. Hell, even Presidents had therapists! I really got to thinking about it, and figured out I knew several people that went to therapy, and none of them were the least bit crazy. They just all realized they needed a little outside help to work through some stuff and handle some problems they didn't understand. So, after rummaging it around in my mind for quite awhile, I went back to Karen and asked her if she could recommend a good therapist. Well, I talked to the right person, she definitely set me on the right track and I began my adventure into the world of Psychotherapy.

Roaring down Interstate 25 to my therapy appointment, my big red Ford F 150 pickup doesn't get much competition for road space. The rainbow sticker and lambda sticker in the back window really get some attention though. I've grown used to the hand signs and shouts from open windows, but that started when I first moved to Colorado and still brandished Texas license plates. Some people are awfully narrow minded. Then on the other side, there are the honks and waves with big smiles when some cars pass. Sure enough they have rainbow stickers too! That’s nice. It took me quite awhile to put those stickers on the truck. Yea, Yea, I know. Not another closet dyke! Well, I was a late bloomer.

I always knew there was something different about me as I was growing up, I just didn't realize what it was till Natalie confronted me. Hell, I thought it was an everyday affair to wear boots, jeans, and a chambray shirt. At least where I grew up and even when I went to college, you weren't cool unless you were ready to step in the stirrups of a saddle. Real shit-kickers! I walked into that bar on a hot July afternoon, ordered a beer, and found a stool to watch a pool game. Having driven back to town after my last class out at the college farm, being out in the sage brush all day; I was dressed properly for the occasion, blue jeans, long sleeve chambray shirt, lace-up work boots, and a big straw cowboy hat. I must admit, I was still an impressionable college kid. Natalie sachets over in jeans that were poured on and a string tank top, and asks if I can watch her back while she finishes her game. Now I didn't know this woman from Adam or Eve.

These gals don't like being beat at pool, especially when there's money on the table. Could you watch my back for me? She asked.

Gullible me, I piped up in my best confidence filled butch voice, sounding like fights were common place for me, I said, Sure, it's been awhile.

Besides, three on one wasn't my idea of exactly fair. A couple minutes later she sunk the eight ball, collected her winnings, walked over, downed her beer, and thanked me. She stuck out her hand, gave me a good solid hand shake and introduced herself as Natalie Duncan, which I later found was just one of her aliases. Somehow or other I wound up driving her home.

Not two blocks from the bar she blurts out, Are you a Butch? Shit, I didn't understand what she meant. I had no connection to the community let alone the community language. She comes back with, You know, a Dyke?

I'm still ignorant and more than a little set back at the forwardness and questions. I'd only met one other person in my life that forward and she still had me back-peddling at times, even though we were good friends.

I just had to tell this Natalie Duncan, I don't know what you mean. But I guess deep down in the recesses somewhere, I had funny feeling I did know what she was talking about, because there was a barrel full of butterflies fluttering around down in my gut. Anyway, the suspense didn't last long.

She cheerfully, if not a little annoyed with my ignorance, or backwardness, countered, Hey I'm talking gay here! You know queer! Lesbian! You like women?

I was dizzy and my head was swirling. I really didn't know what to say. So I just stammered out in my cute Texas Drawl, Ya know, I really d-don't know; but I've always had more of a fondness for my girlfriends than I ever did for any hairy legged old boys.

Now wait a minute! Don't take offense; I've learned a lot since then. She read me like a book and I hadn't even looked at the cover. I came to the conclusion that big city women definitely judge a book by its cover! And I guess I looked the part that day. Boy howdy, was this country kid in for some education!

Well, that was damn near ten years ago; and like I said, I have learned a lot since then. Natalie was my first lesbian love. She was thrilling, and just plain gutsy. Hell, the woman was as dangerous as a rattlesnake in the fall getting ready to shed their skin. Never in my born days have I ever met anyone like her, and still haven't to this day!

4:45 p.m. I park in front of an office building. One of many high rise office buildings in Denver reaching up to try and compete with the mountains in height. You know the type, eighteen to twenty stories high, mostly mirrored glass, so you can see the reflections of the puffy clouds easing by on gentle breezes, and the usual parking garage. I hate those! In my big truck, the CB antennas always scrape the concrete roof and bang against all the pipes that are proverbially suspended from the ceiling of each level. It feels like I'm going to scrape the roof of my truck off. Claustrophobic panic overtakes me when I have to park in one, so parking on the street is preferable. I don't care if I do have to walk a block or two. ‘No way Jose’! Avoidance is the best possible solution. With just enough time to go to the bathroom before my appointment, I punch the elevator button for the 14th floor.

4:55 p.m. Walking into one of the many offices in the building and setting down in a big overstuffed chair, I wonder if she will be on time today. The inner door opens. Beth appears keys in hand. She smiles, I'll be just a minute, and slips out into the hallway. So much for on time! I hate Therapist's hours. You pay by the hour, and if you're lucky, you get fifty minutes. Is that a rip off or what? I know, they have phone calls to make, messages to check, and a quick look at your file before you get in there. It still feels like a rip-off. The outer door opens and I look up from my book, another Lauren Wright Douglas Catlin Reece Mystery.

OK, I hear. Such a soft voice it is almost inaudible, as Beth stands there with her smile filling the whole waiting room with her warmth. So I get up and enter the 'inner sanctum', the hallway leading to Beth's office. Inside, I sit in another comfortable overstuffed chair. Beth, gently closes the door and sits in her contemporary chair, kicks of her sandals and crosses her legs under her. Beth is about 5 feet 4 inches with full, and I mean full head of red curly hair. She adjusts her glasses and asks in that familiar soft whispery caring voice, So, how are you?

I'm OK I guess, I grin, because I know what is coming next. Sometimes I play this cat and mouse game on purpose. Just for grins.

What does it mean? She knows I'm playing today.

Oh, I don't know?

Teri, she says, exasperated!

Well, I'm excited and scared about the Group starting tonight, I admitted reluctantly.

What are you exited about?

Meeting new people. You know I don't know much about the Gay and Lesbian community. And I don't know that many people at all, except where I work. So it will be really neat to be in a room with a whole Group of Dykes.

So what scares you?

"The same thing, meeting new people. I don't know those women! They’re perfect strangers, and I'm supposed to go in there and spill my guts? I have a hard enough time doing that with you, even after a year. I know,