The Dysfunctional Christmas Cookbook
By Beth Hanley
()
About this ebook
The Ranting and Ravings of a Southern Cook.
A book filled with wonderful recipes and dysfunctional humor.
Finding yourself, your family or your friends in this book is positive proof that you are probably kind of normal.
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Book preview
The Dysfunctional Christmas Cookbook - Beth Hanley
The Dysfunctional Christmas Cookbook
The Ranting and Ravings
of a Southern
Cook
Copyright 2011 by Beth Hanley
Smashwords Edition
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without permission in writing from the publisher.
This book contains basic recipes passed around by family and friends.
Most names have been changed to protect the dysfunctional. Professional diagnosis should only be attempted by a doctor.
Finding yourself, your family or your friends in this book is positive proof that you are probably kind of normal.
Dedicated to:
My Husband he walks to the beat of his own drum.
Most of the time I hear the same beat. Now, I don't know if that is romantic,
scary, or just plain dysfunctional, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Cooking Tip #39: Never make eye contact with anything you’re having for dinner unless they'll be coming as a guest
INTRODUCTION
GUILT PRODUCING CHRISTMAS CAKE
Obsessive-Compulsive~ Coconut Cake
Faux Obsessive-Compulsive~ Coconut Cake
Grandma's Oral Fixation~ Orange Candy Slice Cake
Co-Dependent Fruit Cake
Red Velvet Women
Dishing the Dirt
Hard Drive Envy~ Chocolate Cake
ALWAYS IN GOOD TASTE CHRISTMAS PIES
Pull My Finger~ Sweet 'Tater Pie
Confrontational~ Chocolate Pie
Behavior Modification~ Peanut Butter Pie
Granny Alzheimer's Pie
Cognitive Pumpkin Pie
Chemical Dependent~ Custard Pie
All the nuts are not in the Pie~ Some are in the Living Room
Sourpuss Pie
Inside the Comfort Zone~ Chocolate "French Silk- Pie
THE CHRISTMAS COOKIES ARE HERE!
Man-Bait Cookies
Unemployment Stickies
Repressed Memories
or Simply Melting Moments
Juvenile Offender Cookies
Uncle Charlie Pinched My Butt
Cookies
NOT A COOKIE, CAKE OR PIE BUT STILL SWEET
Off the Wagon and on to Rehab~ Chocolate Truffles
Down in the Dumps Cobbler
Spiritual Healing~ 'Nanner Puddin'
The Chocolate Fix
Cultural Diversity Fudge
Chocolate Suicide
FOOD FOR GIFTS& DRINKS
Bi-Polar Jelly~ A Mood Swing in Every Bite
What to do with 50 Jars of Bi-Polar Jelly
Munchies by Proxy
The Night before Christmas In Twelve Steps
Martyr's Strawberry Lament
Hot Flashes Cold Drinks
Passive-Aggressive Punch
SALADS & APPETIZERS
Solvent Green
Testosterone Dip
Mountains out of Molehills~ Cranberry Salad
Underachievers Salad~ Lackluster Cranberries
Seven Come Eleven~ Cheese Ball
Goodie Two Shoes
Wimps & Weenies
INVITE A COW, CHICKEN OR PIG TO CHRISTMAS DINNER
Obsessive-Compulsive
To the Second Power
Playing Press-up Sauce it-glaze it-Stuff it
The Queen of Sauces
Wonder Woman Casserole
Macho Maniacs & Coons
HOLIDAY VEGETABLES DISHES
Far too many to mention here
WHEN ALL IS SAID & DONE
Cooking Tip #176: Make a list, check it twice, then send a man to the store so
he'll get all the good stuff.
INTRODUCTION
Hi my name is Beth Hanley and I'm writing a cook book .This is your lucky day ...cause I'm not a writer, but I do love food and cooking. I'm a fair to midlin' cook, It depends on who you compare me with. I don't spend an enormous amount of time in the deli but I don't do biscuits for breakfast either. Guess I'm pretty average. We could be a lot alike. That is; if you are middle aged, frustrated, female. Oh yea, let's not forget plump,
that seems to fit nicely. People like us tend to view life with a sense of humor. We have to, it's in our genes or something. Course I simply don't know of any other way to look at life.
I have opinions on just about everything from spiritual awareness to catching a man to cooking a coon. This is not necessarily a sign of high intelligence, it is ranting and raving. I'm middle-aged, I'm tired and I've earned the right just like my grandmother and her grandmother before her.
Did I mention that I'm southern? Nothing special here, I just think that Southern women are usually birthed