The Dysfunctional Christmas Cookbook

By Beth Hanley

The Ranting and Ravings of a Southern Cook.


A book filled with wonderful recipes and dysfunctional humor.

Finding yourself, your family or your friends in this book is positive proof that you are probably kind of normal.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Beth Hanley
• Release date: Nov 27, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465875969

Book preview

The Dysfunctional Christmas Cookbook

The Ranting and Ravings

of a Southern

Cook

Copyright 2011 by Beth Hanley

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without permission in writing from the publisher.

This book contains basic recipes passed around by family and friends.

Most names have been changed to protect the dysfunctional. Professional diagnosis should only be attempted by a doctor.

Finding yourself, your family or your friends in this book is positive proof that you are probably kind of normal.

Dedicated to:

My Husband he walks to the beat of his own drum.

Most of the time I hear the same beat. Now, I don't know if that is romantic,

scary, or just plain dysfunctional, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Cooking Tip #39: Never make eye contact with anything you’re having for dinner unless they'll be coming as a guest

INTRODUCTION

GUILT PRODUCING CHRISTMAS CAKE

Obsessive-Compulsive~ Coconut Cake

Faux Obsessive-Compulsive~ Coconut Cake

Grandma's Oral Fixation~ Orange Candy Slice Cake

Co-Dependent Fruit Cake

Red Velvet Women

Dishing the Dirt

Hard Drive Envy~ Chocolate Cake

ALWAYS IN GOOD TASTE CHRISTMAS PIES

Pull My Finger~ Sweet 'Tater Pie

Confrontational~ Chocolate Pie

Behavior Modification~ Peanut Butter Pie

Granny Alzheimer's Pie

Cognitive Pumpkin Pie

Chemical Dependent~ Custard Pie

All the nuts are not in the Pie~ Some are in the Living Room

Sourpuss Pie

Inside the Comfort Zone~ Chocolate "French Silk- Pie

THE CHRISTMAS COOKIES ARE HERE!

Man-Bait Cookies

Unemployment Stickies

Repressed Memories

or Simply Melting Moments

Juvenile Offender Cookies

Uncle Charlie Pinched My Butt Cookies

NOT A COOKIE, CAKE OR PIE BUT STILL SWEET

Off the Wagon and on to Rehab~ Chocolate Truffles

Down in the Dumps Cobbler

Spiritual Healing~ 'Nanner Puddin'

The Chocolate Fix

Cultural Diversity Fudge

Chocolate Suicide

FOOD FOR GIFTS& DRINKS

Bi-Polar Jelly~ A Mood Swing in Every Bite

What to do with 50 Jars of Bi-Polar Jelly

Munchies by Proxy

The Night before Christmas In Twelve Steps

Martyr's Strawberry Lament

Hot Flashes Cold Drinks

Passive-Aggressive Punch

SALADS & APPETIZERS

Solvent Green

Testosterone Dip

Mountains out of Molehills~ Cranberry Salad

Underachievers Salad~ Lackluster Cranberries

Seven Come Eleven~ Cheese Ball

Goodie Two Shoes

Wimps & Weenies

INVITE A COW, CHICKEN OR PIG TO CHRISTMAS DINNER

Obsessive-Compulsive

To the Second Power

Playing Press-up Sauce it-glaze it-Stuff it

The Queen of Sauces

Wonder Woman Casserole

Macho Maniacs & Coons

HOLIDAY VEGETABLES DISHES

Far too many to mention here

WHEN ALL IS SAID & DONE

Cooking Tip #176: Make a list, check it twice, then send a man to the store so

he'll get all the good stuff.

INTRODUCTION

Hi my name is Beth Hanley and I'm writing a cook book .This is your lucky day ...cause I'm not a writer, but I do love food and cooking. I'm a fair to midlin' cook, It depends on who you compare me with. I don't spend an enormous amount of time in the deli but I don't do biscuits for breakfast either. Guess I'm pretty average. We could be a lot alike. That is; if you are middle aged, frustrated, female. Oh yea, let's not forget plump, that seems to fit nicely. People like us tend to view life with a sense of humor. We have to, it's in our genes or something. Course I simply don't know of any other way to look at life.

I have opinions on just about everything from spiritual awareness to catching a man to cooking a coon. This is not necessarily a sign of high intelligence, it is ranting and raving. I'm middle-aged, I'm tired and I've earned the right just like my grandmother and her grandmother before her.

Did I mention that I'm southern? Nothing special here, I just think that Southern women are usually birthed