Young & Divorced: Triumphing Over Tragedy

By Samantha Kelly

What happens when the life you dreamed of, prepared for, and invested in suddenly goes up in smoke?

Samantha Kelly, a professional counselor and professor of Stress Management, shares her honest and personal story of divorce at twenty-three years old. Find empathy, strength, guidance, and hope through her experience and application of doctrinal principles and healthy coping skills.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483512600

Book preview

possible.

Me and the D word

I will be divorced. That D word was so awful. It caught in my throat and stayed there, choking me. I couldn’t actually say it aloud.

I had this idea of what divorced women looked like. They didn’t look anything like me. They were older. They had children, mortgages, and long-standing problems with their spouses. I had only been married two short years. I was thankful I didn’t have children yet, and instead of a monthly mortgage, I had grad school loans.

Trying to align this common label of a divorced woman and my own self-concept was a strange experience, bizarre and uncomfortable. Putting myself in that category was like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole. Sure, people got divorced all the time, but I—Samantha Card—was not one of those people. At least, I thought I wasn’t. Turns out, I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did. Turns out I had a lot more stretching to do.

Everyone’s doing it

In today’s world, divorce is common, even among young couples. Most of us can quickly identify a twenty-something person we know who is on the verge of divorce, presently getting a divorce, or has been divorced. In my first semester teaching at Utah Valley University in 2009, in a class of just over twenty, there were four twenty-something female students who had already been divorced.

Observing this prevalence of divorce among young people, I wondered if something as awful as divorce is a reality for so many young adults, how are all these people getting through it? How are they moving on with their lives? Where are they turning for support, guidance, and strength?

I’ve been there

Even though I knew I wasn’t the first person my age to get divorced, I remember feeling very, very alone. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and suddenly fundamentally different from everyone with normal lives. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), I felt like there was also an added measure of guilt and shame. I felt like I hadn’t proven faithful enough or strong enough. I felt unrighteous. Instead of enduring to the end, I was choosing to break my temple covenants and end what I had thought would be a celestial marriage.

One of my biggest motivations in writing this book is to reach out to young adults for whom divorce is a reality. I hope I can provide some real empathy. You are not alone in this struggle. Another twenty-something has been there and has lived to tell about it. I pray you can learn from my experience. This is how I began to take my first steps over the line from married to single.

What I know to be true

Writing this book has been quite the journey. I’ve gone through numerous drafts, and the manuscript has taken many different shapes. At one point, I deleted nearly 50% of the written content. One of the areas of focus throughout this process has been whether or not to write the book specifically for an LDS audience. I, of course, want the book to be accessible and applicable to as many people as possible and, for a time, contemplated speaking in solely universal terms when it came to religious matters of faith and worship. Ultimately, I decided that doing so weakened my story. I resolved that I simply can’t be everything to everyone, and while I hope that the LDS overtones won’t alienate those not of the LDS faith, this is my story, and this is what I know to be true. If I’m writing a book about how I triumphed over tragedy, I can’t take out the actual tools and principles I used to triumph. I do believe, however, that the general concepts of prayer, faith, and scripture study can be applied to anyone’s life, regardless of religious denomination. You don’t have to be LDS to benefit from the lessons and experiences shared in this book.

We all have different trials. An active relationship with God will plug into and work to improve anything. If you’ve ever dealt with something painful or challenging in your life, keep reading.

Your choice

In the years since my divorce, I’ve had a few young women ask about my marriage and how I came to the decision to get divorced as they were contemplating that very difficult choice themselves. I tell them that choosing to sign those divorce papers is not up to your family, your friends, your in-laws, or even you alone. That kind of life-changing decision is one that should be made by you and the Lord.

This book describes my own personal experience of deciding to get divorced, going through the process of divorce, how I found healing, and my life post-divorce. Along the way, I highlight various lessons I learned and important knowledge I gained. Think of it as a how-to handbook on divorce. This book is not meant, however, to instruct on whether or not divorce is right for you and your spouse. The purpose of this book is to show how you can obtain help from your Heavenly Father through the process of divorce. He is available and accessible. He can offer individualized guidance regarding not only your divorce, but your life after divorce as well.

Only one side of the story

Every story has two sides. This is my side of the story, and my side only. Everything in this book is solely from my point of view. Names have been changed, and I have deliberately chosen to focus on my own experience while leaving the details surrounding my ex-husband largely out of the narrative. As I wrote my story, honoring his privacy and respecting his confidentiality were of the utmost importance to me. I have tried to share only enough to give readers the context of our marriage and a general sense of the problems that led to divorce for us. No more. We both made mistakes and are now living separate lives, moving forward the best we can.

How this book is structured

After finishing my master’s degree in art therapy and mental health counseling, I took a job as an adjunct professor teaching Concepts of Stress Management for Utah Valley University’s Public Health Department. In the years I’ve taught this course, I’ve come to highly value the principles and lessons that my students learned each semester. Throughout this book, I’ve highlighted various stress management strategies that correspond to my own experience with divorce. As you read, you’ll find these lessons about stress designated by three asterisk symbols (***) within the context of the